UGH. So what I really wanted to be doing while Blue Eyes is at his weekly Buddhist Meditation Meeting is writing another post about Paris, or even writing a post about how wonderful the recipe turned out that I tried for dinner tonight. The plantain tostadas with chipotle ranchero sauce, cilantro citrus marinated chicken, guacamole, and fresh pico de gallo were AMAZING! But instead, I really just need to get this out and off my chest before we head to the airport. The other posts will have to wait.
Yesterday turned out to be a difficult day for me. I do have transition issues when we go out of town. I have noticed they are much more pronounced since dday, but they have always been there. I didn’t feel like doing much of anything other than watching tennis on television. At one point, we did go for a ride in Blue Eyes’ convertible and that was nice, but otherwise, it was a bit of a bust. Last night, as we were going over the logistics of our upcoming trip out of town, somehow I got dragged back in to the nightmare. A vivid vision flooded my mind. It was a vision of my husband of 20+ years getting out of our car, kissing me good-bye, and then proceeding into the airport and meeting the other woman at the gate where they would travel off together to have dirty filthy cheating sex. I couldn’t stop it and wasn’t quick enough, or aware enough, to re-direct. That sick feeling overwhelmed me. What did his face look like when he saw her? Did he give her a big smile, like the one he gave the stranger on the plane last week, or did he nervously glance around to make sure no one he knew would see them there, together, right in the town where we live, where our children go to school, where we own our own business and numerous families depend on us for their livelihood, where we go out to dinner and to the movies together, where my family lives, where I go out with friends, where my life and my strength and my safety used to reside.
He could see that I was drifting away. He asked what was wrong. I told him what I saw, in my head, that vision of him leaving me and going to her. He grabbed me tight and held me there on our bed. He kissed my head and rubbed my hair and said… “I know how difficult it must be… It is hard on me too.“
I looked at him and instead of going away to a place of protection inside myself, instead of pulling away from him physically and emotionally, I looked him dead in the eye and said, “there is no fucking way you have any idea how I feel.” And that is the truth. There is no way he knows MY pain. He has his own pain, I get it, but that has nothing to do with what he has perpetrated on me. I couldn’t stop myself. I said to him, “you want to know how I feel?” And then I did not let him answer, but his answer probably would have been “no.” It should have been no because I was about to unleash a whole lot of painful truth on him right then and there.
I said to him, “Picture this. We are on a plane together. Let’s say we are in, oh, row 2 of first class. We have just completed a wonderful trip to Hawaii, the beautiful Big Island. We have spent an amazing 12 days together. We are blissfully exhausted and ready to get home to our kids and our pets and our lives and there, on the plane, is a man. He is a large man, quite overweight really. Unkempt. He does not take care of himself. His face is fleshy and pasty. He looks sick actually, certainly not like he has been in Hawaii. He is not attractive and he is balding. He kind of has that sallow look of an alcoholic, because he is an alcoholic. His clothes are oversized and ill fitting and look like they came from a thrift shop, and not in a good, Macklemore kind of way. He stops at our seats and says, hi Blue Eyes, hi Kat, what a strange coincidence. He stands there longer than he should, he stares at us, but mostly at you Blue Eyes. He has that knowing look on his face. His look says I have been inside your wife dozens of times. I have had dirty, filthy, disgusting sex with your wife so many times I have lost count. She told me she loved me. She told me how handsome I am. How much she loves my penis and how much she loves having it inside her, over and over and over. His look reminds you of all the things I told him about you, all the lies, about how you don’t like sex and we never have sex and that you probably don’t even love me anymore. He reminds you of all the horrid acts of betrayal that have been perpetrated against you, not to mention, he scares you. You know his presence on the plane is not a coincidence. He looks out of control, like you are not exactly sure what he might do to you. He eventually leaves us and continues on into the plane. And now, you get to sit there with the vision of that large, unattractive man seared in your mind and realize that me, Kat, your wife, your companion of 30 years, wanted that man. I orchestrated encounter after encounter with THAT man. I welcomed his penis into me, I gave him oral sex, I traveled all over the world with him. I sat in a hotel room and plotted a week long trip to Sweden with him and I made sure there was no way you, my loyal, loving husband could go with me because I REALLY WANTED TO GO WITH THAT MAN and then, to top it off, I HAD YOU PLAN THE WHOLE FUCKING THING FOR ME RIGHT DOWN TO THE TAXI WE TOOK TO THE AIRPORT YOU STUPID, FUCKING, IGNORANT, IDIOT. That man took your place dozens of times and for countless hours of phone calls and texting. I wanted that man over you. HOW DOES THAT MAKE YOU FEEL ABOUT YOURSELF, BLUE EYES???”
And then I was exhausted, and he sat there, stunned. He did not have much to say after that. I did not feel good or vindicated by my mean and hateful words. I did not feel like what I had done evened any score. I had to let it go. I no longer feel guilt for what comes naturally from my pain. He left the room to make sure the garage door was shut and the doors were locked and everything was put away in the kitchen before bed. By the time he got back to our bedroom, I was asleep. We both had a fitful night. This morning, the bags under his eyes were dark and deep. I asked him how he was feeling. He was honest in the fact that what I had said had devastated him. He could not stop thinking about the vivid images and how it would actually feel to be me and be in that situation, this situation. We talked a lot. We had a really productive conversation that covered all kinds of useful topics including his recovery, our travel, our work schedule and some other aspects of work since his workaholism and sexaholism were so inevitably intertwined, it is important to stay on top of it all.
The truth is, I would never have sex with another man, any man, while married to Blue Eyes. I would never hurt him in such a way. The harsher truth is, he did have sex with a horrible, mean, hateful, stalking, woman similar to the man I describe above. He did do that to me. He can no longer live in denial of what he has done. I can’t fix him, but I can sure open up that hell box he has buried me in and give him a peek inside every once in a while. It doesn’t feel good, but somehow it feels necessary.
try not to cry on my rainbow 
Well done.
You sure are articulate, Kat. Any stone in your view is never left unturned.
Even the heaviest ones.
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Hi Amanda… how are things? I wish you still had your blog. Anyway, I read your comment a few times trying to make sure I was understanding it. If you mean I communicate the hell out of every situation, you are correct, like a dog with a bone. LOL. My husband tries to get away, but knows he needs to stay. Despite everything, I believe I am good for him. Not sure the reverse is true.
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I meant only the most sincerest of compliments (me clearly not being as articulate as you)! I am continually impressed by your willingness and ability to bring into the light your feelings as well as keeping Blue Eyes honest and examining the myriad consequences of his actions.
You are absolutely so good for him.
I am not personally dealing with sex addiction (at least as far as I know!) and I don’t recall how it is that I stumbled across your blog a few months ago, but I follow you because of your razor sharp ability to cut through the bullshit, and get to the core of the matter. I respect your honesty and your vulnerability, and I can clearly see how much your words and your journey positively impact others, me included!
Rock on, Kat!
(P.S> I do still blog, though not so often. I got away from it for awhile as I got away from my high of whole foods eating and yoga…but it’s waking up again -both the blog and my wellness 🙂
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Thanks for your kind words. I am a very open and verbal person and try to cut to the chase. It still blows my mind that my husband could do what he did. We couldn’t be more opposite, but I still do love him despite everything. I hope that never goes away… I guess what I really mean is I hope he doesn’t do anything stupid to ‘eff it up any more than he already has. Where is your blog? What is the address? I can’t find it. So, we are sitting here in Miami and I am having some crazy cravings. The Whole30 is very rigid. I crave bread and pasta and chocolate. I have been really good though and feel great. I no longer feel stuffed and lethargic after meals. I hate to say it, but I think the breads/starches are going to have to go most of the time for me to maintain a normal weight, that is, when I finally get there!!! I have yet to incorporate the yoga, but it’s still on the list for 2015. If I remember correctly, you are traveling for your big birthday this year? Good luck to you and healthy living. I know it’s not easy. Thanks for following along on my crazy journey.
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How ’bout that? I thought if you clicked on my hand pic, it would link to my blog. Thanks to you, I see it doesn’t! Will try to fix that. In the meantime, you can check out my blog at: http://www.whyitmattersblog.com
My experience with the food cravings is that after eliminating flour and sugar for 3-4 days, the cravings virtually disappear. As a result, it helps me to think twice before putting it in my mouth. Of course, I am not currently clean of the stuff… but with spring comes the good food, and my need for comfort food is starting to subside, thank gawd!
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Oh good. Glad I could be useful, ha. 🙂 We have cut out all grains, legumes, dairy, sugar, preservatives, etc… (I think we are on day 12?) and I still have cravings. Perhaps I am not eating enough vegetables. Also, on the Whole30, they want you to just eat three meals a day and I had been eating small meals/snacks all throughout the day. I do not like to eat until I am over full, but I do get hungry in between meals. We also travel a lot and we usually indulge while traveling, so it’s probably bad habit memory working against me. I’ll figure it out, but the cravings never actually go away for me, at least not yet.
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Another strange thing… I just went to your blog and I am following you, but I know your last two posts did not show in my reader feed? I mean it is possible I missed them, but I check it daily. I will periodically manually check in on your blog to see what you are up to.
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I’m so glad you said that. It’s a horror story… unbelievably deceitful and harmful – throughout your entire marriage – to everything good in your life. You placed him square where you are and that was painful enough for him to IMAGINE. But he has the privilege of a superb, loyal wife who did NOT actually do those things. HE, however, DID. This self-agonizing he feels at a topical level, just from hearing the hypothetical *possibility,* is but a teensy taste of the big picture that is your reality… the pain you are in because that IS the history he forced onto you, without your knowledge.
Consequences are a real bitch, even if they are hypothetical, in reverse. I hope this trip goes along more smoothly! 🙂
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I agree IH. I also think I have approached the communication in the wrong way in the past. I knew he would never be able to feel my feelings, because he would always believe he wasn’t worthy of my love anyway, so if I cheated, he would just assume it was his fault. On the other hand, getting him to feel how I feel about him sharing intimate moments with THAT woman, now I think he gets it, just a little bit. I don’t care what disease he has, he changed my life forever just having to know that horrible woman touched him makes me sick. So far so good in Miami! Sunshine and 80+ degrees! 🙂
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You know Kat, rage, or whatever, he needed to hear that. He really did. They can “empathise” all they like, but they will NEVER experience this kind of betrayal, this kind of disgust and loathing for themselves, but also for us. They can’t. Partly because they will never experience this betrayal (at least while they are lucky enough to have us as partners) but also because their minds actually work in a different way, even my “nice”, non-sex addict guy. He is great, he “gets it” – but he can’t fully “get it” – because if he did, he could NEVER visit this terror and agony on me, the woman he professes is the true love, the only real love, the “wonderful partner and mother” of his kids. They are different. They are able to compartmentalise, and risk everything, just for themselves. The utterly self-absorbed selfishness of that kind of thinking is mind-blowing!
I think you articulated the horror in the most real and relate-able way possible. What they did is so disgusting, so vile. And they need to hear it.
Hugs xoxo
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Oh. And I HATE it when they say how difficult it is for them! Mine doesn’t. But boy would it push my buttons. I acknowledge fairly often that I know it’s hard for him too. But he is onto it enough to know not to go there! After all, they had choice – even addicts, I believe – obviously for them it is extremely hard to resist, but possible. We didn’t. So it is seriously uncool with me to hear how hard they have it! (Sorry, that made me angry for you, lol!)
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Yes, him saying it was difficult for him too totally pushed me over the edge. It also pushed me out of my own head enough so that I could verbalize just how disgusted I am with him putting himself in the same category with me. If not for him, I wouldn’t even know that woman exists!!!
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Ohhhh Kat. 😥. Hug.
Thing is I suspect they do not want to think about how we feel because it just adds more pain and guilt to what they are already feeling. Just as we feel that they do not know how we are feeling we have no real idea how they are feeling about what they have done. It seems unfathomable to us because we would never do what they did because we are not ruled or led by addiction. I try to empathise with how it must have been for them and I seriously doubt it was as much fun as we think. I keep thinking of the addiction routine. At first it is fun and you get a bit of a buzz and some needs are met but then comes the hangover and the guilt and this plays over and over and over again. What a shit way to live your life!
Stay strong and awesome. Xxx
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The sensible side of me knows you are 100% correct and I usually have this under control, but every once in a while, the trauma takes over and I do something I should regret. It kind of scares me that I don’t, regret it. I know living in the addiction was not literally fun in a healthy fun kind of way, but he did do those things that hurt so much and ignoring them or stuffing them or pushing them aside is not altogether healthy either. Thank goodness those days are few and far between now. I think the Buddhist Meditation helped his mood. That and he and our younger son racked 13 gallons of hard cider this afternoon and are very proud of themselves. Thanks for all your support. I do appreciate it. ❤
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Hard cider? I thought cider is cider?
You know what Kat? It is ok to do what you did and neither should you have any regrets. We have no fucking clue or idea as to how to get over this and we do what we do at any given time because that is just what we need to do.
It is ok.
H spent most his session at the psychologist last week talking about my craziness. The end result is we do what we feel we need to do. There is no guideline. We get it out. We feel better, sure bits might have been mean but it is out and you will never say that again to BE and so another chapter of healing has progressed.
Make sense? Does anything make sense? Lol.
The food you are cooking sounds amazing. I have started Pinterest now and can’t believe how easy it is to use. I made the roasted broccoli last night I found in paleo. It was very tasty.
I will send you my chocolate tart recipe for when you are allowed to have good sweeteners. It is so good.
Have you thought to go along to the meditation with BE? We have a Buddhist retreat here that a couple of my friends recently did. It nearly killed them. 10’days of meditation. No talking. Sitting all day. Minimal vegetarian food. I am contemplating it ( in my next life)
Xxx
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It will be nice when we can expand a little on our food options. I can’t wait to try the chocolate tart. I love to cook. We are here in Miami now and sticking with the program. Mahi Mahi and grilled asparagus for dinner. I have not thought about going to meditation with him yet. I kind of want him to do some of these things on his own for a while, it helps him be more independent and it gives me some much needed alone time. I imagine I will go with him one of these days. So, regarding the hard cider, they take regular old apple cider and turn it into hard (alcoholic) cider. It takes a few months, but they enjoy it. The cider ferments in large plastic containers, then it is racked into carboys for a second fermenting, then stored in bottles for a while. It’s usually ready by summer. They add sugar at the bottling stage so it is fizzy.
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