If you are thinking of straying, don’t. Don’t do it. Take the mightier, healthier, bolder, more righteous path. Choose to be honest and faithful and live with integrity no matter what has been done to you. If you feel lonely, or tired, or sad, or broken or useless or used or neglected, stop and think. Who is really responsible for the decisions you make. Who will suffer once you have broken your promises. The answer is: everyone. Everyone will suffer.
Our 26th wedding anniversary is next month. We’re also approaching the 31 year mark of the day we officially began dating. Summer should be all about wonderful feelings and happy memories of love. Of taking a picnic in the park, strolling hand in hand at the ocean, ducking into a movie to escape the sweltering heat. It should be all about promising your undying love and devotion to that one person you don’t want to live without, and meaning it. It was all that and more for us all those years ago and then for every year since, a glorious time spent with our boys traveling the world, building castles and playing baseball in the sand at the coast, sending them off to summer camp, reigniting our passion as a couple at a boutique hotel in San Francisco or sharing lobster tacos under a palapa in Zihuatanejo, Mexico. Blue Eyes is planning a great four day trip to Victoria, BC for this year. We haven’t been to Victoria alone since Sammy was six months old. We’ll take the train and then the ferry over from Seattle. We’ll luxuriate in a gorgeous hotel room, stroll the streets, window shop, have afternoon tea at the Empress, eat delicious food, watch the activity at the harbor, maybe take a boat ride or a bike tour.
I received a text yesterday saying:
We are now booked for a lovely time next month. I love you so much!!!! Looking forward to our anniversary weekend!!!!!
And wouldn’t you know it, that innocent, benign text was a trigger. If my husband had been true and honest, that text would have brought a sweet smile to my face. Instead, I stared at it for the longest time trying to push away the painful thoughts of how it must have been two years ago. I’ve written too many times about two years ago. It was the summer that ended the sexual relationship between Blue Eyes and his last acting out partner. It also included thousands of texts and hours of phone calls before and after our 24th wedding anniversary. Damn if those phone records didn’t blast the almighty fucking truth all over my happy little life, soiling the very fabric of my marriage, ripping at that undying love, magnifying the memories of trials and tribulations, straining the feelings of joy and elation, upending the comfortable settling in to a deep feeling of contentment that I had so looked forward to and had finally achieved. Everything felt broken. Everything was broken, but especially my faith and trust in my husband. I want to be able to block out all the painful memories of finding out how obsessively Blue Eyes pursued his drug, ingested his drug, and then threw away the source of his drug like a piece of garbage and in the process, propelled her on a mission to destroy me and my world. What really really hurts though, is all the lying and manipulation that went into his secret life of cheating. The calling card of all cheaters is covered in lies and deceit. What somehow feels right at the time, romantic, sexy, intoxicating, wreaks havoc on the cheater, the other person, the betrayed spouse, the innocent children, and the pain of the lies and betrayal have a ripple effect that leave everyone scarred. Cheating is the answer for absolutely nothing.
I know a lot of the people that follow my blog are betrayed spouses and in most cases I am preaching to the choir, but I just have to say it here once, on my blog, most everyone writes or talks about it eventually, cheaters and betrayed alike… JUST DON’T DO IT.
It’s not worth it.
try not to cry on my rainbow 
Take it from someone who has been there. You are absolutely right! The thrill of the moment can’t begin to outweigh the pain, loneliness and shame which show up after the moment ends.
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I’m sorry for you. Don’t beat yourself up because you are not ready to forgive, you already suffer enough at times like these as it is. Cut yourself some slack. I hope your trip will be great anyway.
BTW, I think you are right. I cannot imagine it being worth it – though that is not something I would have thought even a half year ago.
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Thanks. There is so much destruction in the wake of an affair and yet, people do it every day, sneak around, lie, and rationalize. Life is tough enough.
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It makes me so sad to hear that what would make most women feel so happy, makes you feel sad. I am sure I would have those same feelings if my ex and I decided to work it out. I know its easier said than done, but you are creating a new future for yourselves now (or at least trying to). You are entitled to your feelings, of course, but try to enjoy yourself. It sounds like it is going to be a wonderful little adventure
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It is sad, C. And I think of it often. I’m glad I have this venue to write it out, and hopefully the negative feelings pass quickly. I do appreciate his effort at planning a fun trip for us and that I have a partner who wants to do such things. I know he loves me and he is trying. I wish I could just forgive and forget. I have forgiven, but I just can’t seem to forget. It’s too new still. I know it will get better. I hate to think that there will always be this little pit of sadness deep inside, but life is full of ups and downs, darkness and light. I have to give up the fantasy land and live in reality land, without resentment and fear. It just doesn’t come that easily I guess. It will be a wonderful adventure. Victoria is a lovely town. ❤
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My heart goes out to you, it is a terrible thing to have all this good stuff be tainted 😦 but i hope the two of you will be able to create new and happy memories.
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Argh I hate triggers!!! LOL I had one in Bed Bath and Beyond on Sunday!!! Seriously freaking Bed Bath and Beyond!!!!
We are a fucked up band of sisters. Rant on Kat, rant on we are here to listen!!!
Oh yeah, congrats ??? Hugs to you
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Thanks! I love my fucked up band of sisters, LOL! I have had a trigger in Bed, Bath and Beyond, too. But honestly now, where haven’t I had a trigger. Definitely fewer and farther between these days. I am looking forward to the trip next month. Thanks for listening. I actually had plans to post a healthy recipe today, but of course, wouldn’t you know it, other shit got in the way. Hugs back at ya.
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I always end up feeling like such a pathetic loser when I have triggers in places as pedestrian as Bed, Bath and Beyond amongst the mops, bedding and coffee makers! Hotels, restaurants I see, but BBB ugh. I am such a loser. Anyway I wanted to bop him in the head with a magic duster while there! That made me feel better 🙂
You know what, seriously, turn it around. Try to laugh at yourself and realize that was then this is NOW. You are lucky in many ways. So am I 🙂 Go, enjoy, live in the moment.
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First I have to go live in a couples therapy session moment, then I can live in a happier place. I am dreading the words… “so, how did things go this week?” 🙂 . I AM lucky in very many ways.
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lololol–here’s my answer “peach, fucking keen!!!” I feel your pain 😦
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I told my husband just in the last few days that I’m finding myself anxious anticipating our anniversary, which is also Dday. I an closer to a year now.. Since I found out. What a warped sense of time..
But I wanted to say that I too love the band of sisters! I’ve not been in a space to write for a while, but I keep up with my favorite blogs!
Just before Father’s Day I was at my favorite hallmark store… The clerk,whom I’m familiar with, brought me tissues.
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Well, when you feel the urge to write, we’re here. I know people come and go from this blogging world, but I do love that there is a place to go where I know most people really really get it.
I have stopped buying cards with text in them. I buy beautiful blank cards and write what I want. Good luck with d-day. I find the thought of d-day less anxiety ridden now than I did in January at the one year mark. I have a feeling two years will be easier. I’m still having trouble with the actual affair event anniversaries… like their last time (two years next month) and the barrage of emails and texts during our anniversary trip that year. I know I’ll get past it all, but in the meantime, I write. Hugs. ❤
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‘Everyone suffers’
Exactly…
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It seems so obvious, and yet…
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