On loving kindness

/ CrazyKat1963

I took a little break from technology, blogging, etc… while Blue Eyes and I set off on a trip to a local spa hotel in the wine country. It wasn’t technically a Valentine’s celebration (we all know how I feel about Valentine’s Day), although it did coincidentally happen over Valentine’s Day. It was a gift to me for taking care of Blue Eyes post surgery. Of course such a lavish gift was completely unnecessary, but I enjoyed the hell out of it anyway.

Before I share a little of the loveliness that was showered on me over the past few days, I want to say, Thank You!!! Thank you to you guys, my blogger friends, for helping keep me sane. Thank you for helping get me through some of my roughest days. Thank you for understanding me and having my back, and questioning my motives, and for humoring me as I dream about meeting all of you. I want to have this big betrayed spouse (or just blogger friend, don’t have to be a betrayed spouse) convention where we all sit around in sunshine by a gorgeous pool, very near to a beach, and have a good cry, and a good laugh, and find inspiration from just being with each other. And I really am not a “people person.” Do you believe me? Anyway, I want this. I really really do.

I have a couple Facebook friends who have recently set up loving kindness pages where people share their ideas and actions regarding being thoughtful and kind citizens of the world. How they are paying it forward and being thankful and trying to replace some of the anger and hate in the world with pre-emptive acts of love, kindness, generosity, and caring. It might just be an inspirational meme, shoveling the neighbor’s sidewalk, or paying for someone’s coffee… but all designed to help people feel good. Even though I know a lot of us try to do these types of things every day, it is nice to see that some people are calling it out and making a point of quietly celebrating being able to give to and or give back to other humans. I am here to thank each and every one of you for being that for me… for following along and sharing your thoughts and hugs and love and pain with me. It means a lot to me. More than words can describe. Thank You!!!

So, our time away was not all bliss mainly because I realized once I leave the house, my emotions flow more freely. I am trying to control myself more. I have mastered a lot of the more intense emotions around the betrayal trauma. I am trying to not upset my son as much. Do I think it is fair, nah, not really. But life is not fair sometimes. Once away, however, when something triggers me, which sometimes can be as simple as a moment in a hotel room, or days like Valentine’s Day, I open the floodgate of my feelings and sometimes it is difficult to get that gate shut again. This happened a couple times during our excursion away, like when my husband told me I looked beautiful. This prompted a response from me that included, “when you say those things to me sometimes, these days, I just don’t feel special because I know you said them to her.” I know my husband never cared about the acting out partner the way he cares about me, but that knowledge doesn’t always negate the fact that he betrayed me, and part of that betrayal was with those bitterly hurtful words he said to her, about her, but also about me. There was also a point where we were dressed up in the fancy hotel restaurant and the only words that came into my head, and then out of my mouth were, “I cannot believe how wrong I was about you. I would have staked my LIFE on the fact that you would not have betrayed me.”

We were able to get through all these not fun moments and have a lot of fun anyway because Blue Eyes remained present, and honest, and open about his feelings. We had a loving time away and there also is the fact that I was lavished with gifts and spa treatments. Upon entering the room there was a monstrously huge and amazingly beautiful floral arrangement smack in front of us on the table.

flowers

As I turned around to express to Blue Eyes how lovely the flowers were, he held up a pretty little bag in front of me with the words Tiffany & Co. printed across the front. Inside was a gorgeous 18k gold charm bracelet with four charms. Each charm is engraved on the back, snuggle (bunny), sweet (heart), honey (bee), and bear (hug).

tiffany bracelet

We also luxuriated at the spa for many hours indulging in a garden manicure and pedicure (my toenails are now a lovely shade of Valentine’s red), hot oil wrap, and sensory bliss massage. We shared a healthy spa lunch in the couple’s lounge in our plush robes, and it was amazing. I feel revitalized and rejuvenated and all that jazz.

During our stay, I also received a phone call from Ms. Honey, the therapist, saying she had a cancellation and would I like to have the appointment time for Tuesday (yesterday). I grabbed it up and am very very happy I did!

Much love to all of you because, it seems, we made it through another dreaded holiday.

❤

28 thoughts on “On loving kindness”

  1. Pingback: Charting progress | try not to cry on my rainbow

  4. Sometimes us “no fuss” girls can be bloody annoying for these guys. Actually, I think it makes us pretty high maintenance. What to do? Ignore the day? Buy expensive things that aren’t REALLY appreciated (not your thrill at the bracelet, Kat) Say loving words that don’t QUITE ring true anymore? They are in the classic no-win situation. We just decide to re-double our efforts to be kind flatmates to one another.

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    • Yeah, I absolutely do get what you are saying, Paula, but I do also sorta love that little charm bracelet! I know BE means what he says and he didn’t bother with the elaborate card full of fancy words. He did good, all things considered. I’m pretty sure he is grateful I didn’t abandon him at the hospital! 😉

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  6. I am so glad you had such a special weekend. It’s hard not to voice how we feel no matter where we are. Triggers are never planned. I also have problems when I think of the words he used to see partner. If he says the same things to me I freak. Thankfully it hasn’t happened that often. We too had a nice weekend but not much fuss because that is how I prefer it. I am glad your weekend had such a positive effect. Hugs x

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  8. Well I thank you Kat. You lay it all out there, right or wrong. You’re a great writer. You are provocative and you make me think. That’s a good deed my friend. You also take criticism remarkably well. I admire you.

    Haha if you do have a girl retreat I hope I’m on the list. I’m not a people person either. I tend to be a little too frank and it may be off putting for some more delicate flowers. I just have zero fucks to give anymore!

    What is it about freaking V day that sets all women off? I mean even my younger non betrayed friends are in a bad mood on that day. It’s such a bullshit day. All the pressure is on the men. The poor saps never know what to do. My h went overboard on Christmas. Diamonds and pearls!! I asked him not to buy me anything. Cards do nothing for me so I asked he not get one for me. Sunday was a miserably cold rainy snowy day. We stayed in and wTched Sunday news shows in the morning and golf in the afternoon. No cards, no flowers, no rushed gifts. Lots of cuddle time. It was ordinary and perfect. He asked if I’d be his Valentine as he kissed me. I loved it. I don’t give one damn if he ever said it to her. What matters now is he says it to me. What’s past is past. He was sincere when he said it and I accepted his love sincerely. Who knows or cares if he ever said it to her, but I do doubt the sincerity since he spent every Valentine’s Day and night with me. How sincere could it have been given his logistics?? I don’t need some contrived displays of affection on a totally contrived holiday. Fuck you Hallmark!!!

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    • Ha, yes, abso-FUCKING-lutely! I think a blogger actually wrote about coming up with a card line for betrayed spouses, etc… I say if it hasn’t already happened, someone needs to get on that. Let sarcasm abound!!! I think men and women both hate Valentine’s Day. It is only a thing because retailers make it so, but some people actually were engaged and married on Valentine’s Day, so I’m sure it means something to them. I do hear a lot more grumbling than loving though, even outside the blogging world. It’s a lame holiday no matter how you look at it. And yeah, the sentiments should be there every day in the way people treat each other.

      I have actually learned a little about handling criticism from this blog. I have learned it can be a very thought provoking and productive aspect of healing and just living. You are definitely on the list for the girl retreat. 🙂 xx

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  10. Oh I love that bracelet! It is so nice to see you being lavished with lovely things. Yo underserved it all and more.
    I’m totally with you on all us betrayed spouses doing nice things together. I feel like the people I’ve met through blogging have been the greatest comfort and inspiration to me. You most of all. I want the happy fairy tale ending for you so badly. I know you think that maybe that train has passed, but I don’t necessarily think so.
    Here’s my feeling: if one person wants something really bad and works super hard for it, than more than likely they will achieve their dream. Now if it’s two people? Nobody can stop them. I believe you and BE have that kind of tenacity to make things work.
    Love Always, C ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

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    • I do love the little gold trinket as well. Thank you for always being there for me and being a great cheerleader for my relationship with my crazy sex addict husband. I know BE thanks you too, for your positive attitude and belief that this ragged old relationship of ours will thrive in the end. I do believe we both still have the desire to make it work, and therefore we can. I am assuming you got home from NYC safely. The trip looked delicious!!! ❤ xoxo

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      • Yes I’m home, got back on Monday. I’m a little fatter, but happy to be home. I must say, the last two days have been lovely, waking up and not going to work. I’m going to o join the gym too. Might as well make the most of it. 😜
        And you are right, I don’t think I’ve ever said Yo lol… Ever.

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        • I’m a little fatter too, after the weekend, and my food was not nearly as delicious as yours looked! I think if there is going to be a post on hot chocolate though, it needs to be done in Paris, chocolat chaud, you and me! Glad you are enjoying your newfound freedom. Wait, did you say gym? As in, hey, I think I’ll go to the gym now, YO!!! 😉 ❤

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          • LOL you kill me!
            Yes hot chocolate In Paris it is!
            The ones in NY were pretty good, but Paris wins. Hot chocolate blog soon to come 😋
            So here are the new NY musts: pain perdu at the Landmark (I insist!!!) and sturgeon and cream cheese at Murrays. To die!!!

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            • Okay, we’ll be there in two weeks. We are not huge french toast fans, but we will give it a go on your recommendation. The bagel is a no brainer for BE although he does insist on open faced, ha. I will take a little nibble of that. I still need to book our hotel and I am actually thinking of booking near a Murray’s. What have you done?! 😉 I will be scarfing down the Levain Bakery Chocolate Chip cookies though, I am already dreaming of those… and of course I say those because even though I couldn’t finish one in one sitting… I will be taking some with me to New Jersey and Atlanta… to keep me company!!! ❤

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  11. How lovely for you! I am so glad that in the midst of all the ugliness, you and BE are able to find and appreciate some togetherness and genuine connection. That is amazing progress and truly hopeful. You are strong and resilient and an inspiration…and let me know when and where for the broken hearts convention…I will be there! **hugs** ❤️

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    • Ha, I plan on plastering it all over my blog! 😉

      Thank you for the kind words. I try really hard and yet, as we all know, sometimes our trying just isn’t ever going to be enough to repair what must be worked on by two willing and committed people. BE does work very hard at trying to work his end, but as you know, a lot of damage has been done and they are just not very good at thinking about others or even recognizing fully the damage that has been done. I mean, they can talk a lot of pretty words, but betrayed spouses have a really keen way of seeing through the facade, now. This is such a long and frustrating road, but days like the past few definitely keep me here and committed (and not because of lovely and expensive gifts, although I’m not sending the bracelet back). xoxo

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  12. You would have staked your life on his faithfulness. I bet my childrens’ lives’ on Losers’ faithfulness. Every single day, I wonder which one of my children will pay for my egregious mistake.
    I love the bracelet and I’m so glad you had a good time…and feel rejuvenated. Cherish the moments. Hugs.

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    • These are not our mistakes. Unfortunately we do have to live with the consequences of other’s mistakes. Thank you for the hugs. I cherish anything at this point that doesn’t send me to my knees in painful agony. Thankfully things are getting better again. I had a great session with the new (old) therapist yesterday, which I will write about. Hugs back, lady. I am still metabolizing your post about the text from your son. It always takes a while for me to calm down after reading a post where you blast and blame yourself for your husband’s bad acts. I wish you would stop doing that. ❤

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