My rose petal breakfast tea.
We are here in La La Land and Blue Eyes has back to back meetings… conference calls, in-person meetings, etc… He broke away for 20 minutes to have room service breakfast with me. Honestly I don’t know where this conversation came from, I can’t remember, but as I sat there eating my healthy breakfast (I am now counting calories, 1200 per day, balanced healthy meals, TotallyCaroline is my accountability partner) the subject of betrayal came up. Gee, what a novelty, am I right?
Pink grapefruit, poached egg, baby bok choi.
Maybe it’s because we are here in the land of sunshine, palm trees, beautiful scantily clad bodies, long hair blowing in the easy breeze, a movie studio next door to our hotel and the fact that we have been here before. We started talking about how cheaters rationalize bad behavior because their life just isn’t the way they want it to be. Oh, I remember now, we were talking about sex. The sex we had last night. Was it satisfying for me? Was it too monotonous for him? He likes his rituals. I do too. We are in a pretty amazing groove to be honest, but we were always in a good groove. I know sex is not what drove him. In my opinion, sex is not what drives most people to cheat. Blue Eyes was able to separate our life completely from his secret life. Not so easy for me. So, cheaters make up excuses. They blame their “life” partner. She’s let herself go, she’s too busy with the kids, sex has dwindled, she doesn’t give him enough attention, her life doesn’t fucking revolve around him. Is she even in love with him anymore? And then, there’s someone there (there’s ALWAYS someone there), to take her place if only for one night… or a few months, or a few years. Would life be better with her? Would it really be different? In the meantime, what is all this doing to the partner? How is she feeling about her husband spending so much time away from her, and time away from the kids, and he doesn’t seem to care about their life anymore. She gets the impression he finds them a burden. She’s lonely. She’s not satisfied. She pours herself into her own life, the kids, her own job, friends. What comes first? The lack of communication about feelings, or the temptation? Each situation is different, but the truth is, unless you really don’t like your partner and don’t want to spend time with him, his absence is frustrating. His distractions are infuriating, the phone calls, the laptop, the mobile phone, the late nights, the having to run out on evenings and weekends. It often doesn’t make any sense. The reasons come so easily, the excuses, why would they lie? The loneliness can be heart wrenching. From his end, the denial is insidious, the selfishness palpable, the rationalizations… well, they know no bounds. How can people set aside their love, their commitment, their devotion, in order to be so freaking self absorbed? To me, it’s a crime. If it was a crime, would people behave differently? I have had discussions with bloggers about how some people (mostly guys) are just cheating arseholes. It’s chronic. Well, I don’t know any people like that. I would not marry someone like that. Blue Eyes is actually not like that. He never bragged, he never flaunted his sexual exploits, he never actually told anyone. Overwhelming shame and fear of losing what was really important to him stopped him from telling ANYONE. Even his therapist.
Three years ago this summer, Blue Eyes and I stayed at this very hotel. He met with the very same clients at the very same location. We had to cancel a dinner because he ran so late getting back from that meeting. He had to take a business call. There was horrible traffic. The truth, there was no traffic and there was no business call. He pulled off the freeway to take a call from the other woman. A very long phone call. They had just had sex two days prior. He was trying to talk her down. She could feel him pulling away from her, again. Maybe she sensed the end coming. That was the last time they had sex, July 30, 2013, the day after our 24th wedding anniversary.
Today as I sat out on a lounge chair by the hotel pool in the bright Los Angeles sunshine, I received a text from Blue Eyes. Sorry, he is running late. He had to send an important email… and oh, there is traffic. Deja vu. The difference between now and then? I know the truth about Blue Eyes. We talk all the time. I know he doesn’t want to go back to that place. It just sucks that there ever was “that place.” It is incredible to me though that he was able to fit in all that dysfunction, all those lies, all that cheating, all that madness into his already very busy life. I paid a huge price.
Why do people torture themselves so, and everyone around them? It cannot possibly be for a little clandestine sex. It’s just not worth it.
try not to cry on my rainbow 
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Kat…it is so odd to be at this place. To read about you and BlueEyes at this place and think about HUSBAND and me at this place. This place of such fragile and utter transparent beauty, but bought at the cost of devastating pain.
I love this post, and I am incredibly grateful to have your voice speaking into my life and my journey.
Hugs…
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Thanks, SS. I hope you are well. I need to keep writing this out because it doesn’t really go away, it just kind of fades further into the background and causes less overt and crushing pain, but yeah, still there.
Big hugs back!
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Loved the picture to go along with this post shallow water
And people still jump in head first ugh Facepalm
Any ways love your reminders not to let triggers get me down
This morning not sure why but I remembered going to Kendra’s grand baby’s funeral and it was 3 1/2 hours from my house and I wanted to support my friend
It was stormy and rainy
I took the son with me
And off we went to Charles’s mistress’s grand baby’s funeral
Ugh
We could have got in an accident and died
I was pregnant with Squish and I woke up and was like this MF
He could have cared less!!
But I wake up to Squish and L in my bed sleeping
I did not die
And Charles’s carelessness does not determine my worth
Or outlook on my life
So here’s to the day!!
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Yeah, things look really different when we look back, after knowing the truth. But today’s reality is right there in front of us. I remember waking up with kids in my bed. I miss those days! I hope you are having a really awesome day, NH!!! ❤
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Hello Kat
I just discovered your blog and want to thank you. D-day was five months ago for me, shattering what I thought was a wonderful 26 year relationship. I inadvertently discovered a text message from a prostitute. (I picked up his phone thinking it was mine.) He confessed most of it then, although disclosures continued for another few weeks. Second marriage and we were together for nine years before marrying because I didn’t want to make another mistake. Married for 17 years. My husband was visiting prostitutes 2X a week for over 30 years, so his behavior pre-dated me. He has been diagnosed as a sex addict, is in therapy and faithfully working the SA 12-step program. I am also in therapy and attending S-anon. I really relate to your earlier posts. I have been on an emotional roller coaster these past five months. I don’t know what will happen to our marriage at this point. My husband says he is committed to his recovery and to our marriage and I want to support him. But…what can I say? I am afraid..Thanks for sharing your story.
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You are very welcome, Maggie. I remember those first few months so vividly. The trauma can be so visceral and YES, the addiction pre-dates us and has nothing to do with us other than it devastates us. It is important you have support from people who understand and care and hopefully you have that through S-Anon. You don’t need to worry right now about what will become of your marriage… just day by day. Be kind to yourself and keep getting that help because it does get a whole lot better. We realize we are strong enough to survive and thrive, regardless of what our husbands do. Much love and many hugs to you. Come back any time and feel free to email me too. ❤
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I loved this post.
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❤
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I am going to be crude here. How long does an orgasm last? Seconds? The high a SA gets, it appears to me, has little to do with that and everything to do with getting to escape their pain by plotting, planning “escaping” life. If you compare all of you that blog none of your husbands acted out the same way but the outcomes were the same. They escaped. Look at Shattered. Her husband is the poster child for sex addiction. Frantically, and frenetically, rushing, rushing, rushing to the next woman. He appears to have completely cut himself off from emotions whereas your husband managed a relationship with someone. I don’t think for a minute that he loved her but he had a family to protect and she was available.
I think Horsescumin was not just hurt by the affair but by a friend. Someone who should have always been off limits. Then he insulted his wife by conducting the affair in hc’s homes. You don’t shit in your own nest.
Everyone has a breaking point. All of you carry wounds. For those of us who stumbled on your blogs it is wonderful to see you mending day by day.
I would like to defend Chump Lady. Her posters, for the most part, have been played horribly by narcissists and sociopaths, or they have been abandoned. They just need a place to vent. Her blog has over 10 million hits which says something so sad about the way people treat the ones who love them. Her blog is dedicated to an entirely different focus than yours.
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Thanks, Moi, for your comment. Due to the 10 million hits, I doubt Chump Lady needs your defense, but I totally get it. Paula (horses) likewise reads Chump Lady (I know lots of others who do too) and defends her. Stay or go, I don’t particularly find her helpful, but I also don’t come at this from an angry or bitter perspective. And when I was horribly broken, I was appalled by the sarcasm and bitterness that permeated that blog. I also very much like to think for myself and not be bombarded with negative thoughts and images, from Chump Lady’s site or others. There is a “support” site specifically for wives of sex addicts that is full of hate. Not my cup of tea. I am totally stubborn that way. I realize many people feel the need for that kind of camaraderie and understanding while facing an abusive situation. The main reason I do not go anywhere near Chump Lady is because she disavows sex addiction and I frankly just do not get it. Sure there are assholes out there who say, “oh, don’t leave me… I have an illness, absolve me of all my wrongdoing and I’ll pretend to recover.” And then, there are thousands of sex addicts who desperately need help and need a path to heal their wounds. Not all go the SA route for healing, but in my opinion, as defined by the system and as you say about Shattered’s husband, they are textbook sex addicts. Just because I would give them that label, however, doesn’t mean they need to, obviously. The traditional healing paths for sex addicts help many many people every day, namely my husband. So…. I do come on here and say, WHY??? Why, Chump Lady, why trash someone’s reality, especially if she hasn’t actually dealt with sex addiction or a sex addict. Why does she do it? I believe she does it because it incites anger and bitterness in people and gets her more readers. I have written about it here on my blog. I am not attempting to speak to a wider audience. I am not trying to get 10 million hits (ever) and I am not trying to make money off this. I am not giving people advice on whether to stay or go. I am merely writing out my story and it helps me to do so, and from what people write me, it has helped a few other women to not feel so alone as well. So, yes, her blog is dedicated to an entirely different focus, and I write about how I don’t care for her focus, or need it in my life. Because… this is my blog. I’m sure she and her thousands and thousands of readers would love you having her back though.
So, in reading back over your comment… I AGREE. The whole point of the post was that it is not about the sex, it is about the emptiness. The brokenness. The wounds. Stay or go, these wounds need to be dealt with in all of us and regardless of whether I stayed married to my husband or not, his wounds are deep and he is my best friend and I never would have walked away from that part of our relationship. I want nothing more than to see him heal from what caused him to behave so badly in the first place.
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You are not who you were 3 years ago and neither is BE. So same place yes, but you are now different people. But yeah, I can totally see how and why these thoughts were triggered. Look at the pretty boys, drink the rose petal tea, and know who you are. You can never be put in that scary place again now because you are not unarmed anymore. I don’t think u will ever be put in such a situation again, but hypothetically, I think if you were, you would handle it. Not as a scared woman who is shocked and wouldn’t know what to do, you would handle it lake a boss.
But stay in the present. You are in a beautiful place and life is good. Savor it ❤️
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Thank you, C, for the votes of confidence for both me and BE. Indeed, we are both different people now than three years ago and I will never be hurt in the same way again. I am wiser and stronger, BE more honest and open. Your words are always so kind and comforting! And yes, life is good! xoxo
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Lots and lots of confidence in the two of you.
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That means a lot! ♥️
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Kat, you are so very strong for not letting these super-trigger-materials get to you. Same town, same hotel, same excuses? I am happy you find such confidence in you, in him, in his recovery, in your own healing. I hope he’ll not use your confidence to stab you in the back again, now or in ten years time, or ever. It would be too easy, too tempting for an addict. And while it is awesome he doesn’t want to go back there, he will always be an addict, won’t he? That’s what scares me in my own story: if I ever get to that place where I am comfortable revisiting places and push the triggers away, how far can I really go in being trustworthy again? Not only in him, but in my own ability to SEE. To me, that’s the biggie. Will I ever trust ME to KNOW if he is lying again? He fooled me for eight years the first time around. Not sure if I make myself clear – I want this be positive but it doesn’t quite come across as a positive note. I want it to read I am taking (or am going to take when I am ready) a ‘trust but verify’ stance, which is a massive change to the ‘I want to trust someone 100%’ stance I used to apply. I don’t believe in trusting someone 100% anymore, he killed that in me. I used to hate him for that, but now it has become my new normal. Is it slightly more positive now? I’ll stop before it gets even worse, haha.
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Hello! I haven’t forgotten that I owe you an email. It has been a busy week.
I know you are still early on… early on in the trauma, in the healing, in the decision making process. You don’t have to attempt to be positive on my blog. I get it. I get you. The reality is, the triggers might never go away, but they don’t send me into turmoil anymore. They still might get me to thinking, but they don’t make me angry or make me cry. And, Blue Eyes will never be able to stab me in the back again because I am always facing him now. I know the truth about his illness. I know how insidious addiction is and I know it isn’t about me. It took about a year of healing for me to come to the realization that he will never be able to hurt me in the same way again. There are no fantasies about who he is, or what our marriage is or isn’t. I live squarely in reality now that I know his truth. I want him to heal for himself. I have my own boundaries. He knows what they are. I think he is now able to go a day without fear that I will walk out the door and never return to him. When you move past the fear and anger, and if you really want to be with your husband, you will be fine. You can also move on without him, and you will be fine. The point is, eventually you will be fine and you will always be in charge of your own destiny. The truth, you will always be able to move on. So, if you do stay with him, and he does relapse, you will always have the choice to go. Your life doesn’t really hinge on whether or not you can trust him, or whether or not he will remain sober. It is a much bigger deal for him as a human being to master the darkness in him. For you, you have choices and they will always be your responsibility to make them. It’s not always pretty, but our lives are ours to own. Many hugs to you. xx
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Oh Kat, you are right in everything you say, and I know my life is mine to own, and I’ll be fine either way. I can stay or leave, now or later, and it’s always my choice. I moved past the fear, I think. I couldn’t yet move past all the anger (only most of it), but working on that part. My struggle right now is more about the sensitivity of timing – being 36 and having a 2 year old, I am facing different decision factors, hence it’s taking me a while to see clearly what I really want. But I guess it’s normal. Anyhow, I’m glad you are where you are, because I can tell you truly own your life and that’s awesome. Hugs!
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Remember, anger is often a displaced emotion. It can be covering for fear, humiliation, hurt, frustration, or just plain sadness. I’m sure it is difficult to know what you really want if you are not with your husband and not seeing in person any kind of healing. I think if there is any chance your marriage will work, you will need to communicate with him and also validate for yourself that he is changing. But I guess first you need to make that decision of whether you really want the marriage. Regardless, most likely he will be in your daughter’s life, so I hope he is seeking recovery for himself. Many hugs back to you. I know, this sucks! ❤
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Good chat. But I don’t think anyone chooses to marry a cheating arsehole! That part happens later. Even if they were always exactly that they are usually good enough at impression management to hide it from a spouse or potential spouse. I know a few. I picked all of them early on. Most of the guys (especially) that we are talking about here have either an addiction or had some life moment that threw them off their ‘usual’ track of love and faithfulness. I don’t think for one moment that I am/was dealing with a serial cheat with a whole different ‘moral’ framework than my own. I do know they are out there. My problem isn’t the cheating arsehole. They’re easy to deal with. You divorce those and rebuild. My problem is more that if one of the ‘good guys’ can be so duplicitous, what hope is there?
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Well… I think people choose to marry cheating arseholes all the time. Namely people who are cheating with already partnered up people and yet still want to marry them, and think it won’t happen to them. But that’s not really what I was talking about here. I was talking about people who knew their partner had the propensity to cheat, maybe they cheated while dating or whatever. Sometimes we want to believe people will change. I know people think marriage will automatically tame a wild horse so to speak. I was also speaking more generally to this notion that society believes people (again, mostly men) are wired to cheat. It is inevitable. I say hogwash to that. I was also speaking about women who find out their husband is a chronic cheater and then instead of looking at a potentially deeper reason, they just call him a cheating arsehole (and call themselves a chump) and either leave, or stay thinking he will just change… because, you know, he doesn’t know what he was thinking and now that he realizes it was wrong, well, you get the picture.
I guess speaking to your last question… we are all vulnerable and fallible in different ways. People keep telling me, never say never. Well, I know I would never cheat, but I am fallible. I have always innately understood the impact cheating would have on a partner and I would never inflict that pain on anyone. I can’t ever imagine being that unaware or that selfish. I guess we just never really know a person. This concept of I would never do that, so I don’t understand why he would either is still pretty strong in me, especially when reliving these deja vu moments. I have moved past letting these kind of deja vu triggers bring me down, but I still like to release some of the poison.
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Indeed. I hadn’t factored those marriages into my comment. Apologies. I know a few of those, too. And I have NEVER understood anyone who marries someone who cheated on THEM. That seems to be a serious self esteem issue at the get go!
My problem is that although I understand what he did and why, even I wouldn’t say I couldn’t cheat. But I feel strongly that I would be highly unlikely to. I don’t get it. I don’t get how anyone can say or feel they love someone and yet knowingly do something that they KNOW will break that person. And they know. No matter how hard they try to convince themselves that no one will find out. Or their partner will eventually get over it. They know the damage is permanent. And yet they choose it anyway. Because they feel good for a short (or long) time. I will never get that. Nor fully forgive it in the traditional way.
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I will never understand it either, but people can rationalize anything…. and it seemed to work out for my step mother. Maybe she got a reformed cheater, nevertheless, he is an arsehole!!!
I have a very difficult time understanding it too, thus the post, but I do think personally there is a wound that causes the cheater to reach for a bandage (affair) and it is that wound that is the culprit. The pleasure they derive from the sex is a byproduct. Some people have emotional affairs and it is still a hole that needs to be filled and instead of doing the hard work, facing their chosen life partner, and being honest and open, they take a quick fix approach and grab the nearest broken person who will listen. If people really owned up to their shit and got help, good therapists would be the most sought after people in the world.
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