My answer is: no.
“This life is for loving, sharing, learning, smiling, caring, forgiving, laughing, hugging, helping, dancing, wondering, healing, and even more loving. I choose to live life this way. I want to live my life in such a way that when I get out of bed in the morning, the devil says, ‘aw shit, he’s up!”
― Steve Maraboli, Unapologetically You: Reflections on Life and the Human Experience
Time has helped me realize my wounds are manageable, but time alone has not healed my wounds. In the time since discovery, I have spent many hours contemplating my own reality. I needed to evaluate what was real, and frankly, what wasn’t. In the nearly three years since the fateful phone call, I have done a whole lot of soul searching. I have had pity parties. I have dissociated. I have harmed myself. I have let the other woman consume way too much of my brain power. I have spent literally hundreds of hours talking and trying to figure out what the fuck happened. In turn, I have been compassionate, kind and loving. I have learned to rely solely on myself for strength. Sure, I love having a life companion. I love doing things with him, sharing things with him, and we get along well. Generally, I like people. I like to socialize some of the time. I like isolation some of the time. I have realized, over time, that I have the power to choose how my life will turn out. People are going to do things that affect me and I have a responsibility to act in a way that stays true to who I am and to my own life goals. I love the above quote. I want to continue wreaking havoc on this world and enjoying it. No one can take that away from me. I have also given up a bit on planning every detail of my future. It is obvious I have no fucking idea what will be thrown at me, but at the same time… this last three years, I have learned how to deal with that fact. Time is not healing my wounds, I am using time to heal my own wounds.
I have realized over the past few months that I am still a bit cautious in my approach with my husband. I have embraced smiling and laughing again. I rarely cry although I do become emotional at times that I might not have otherwise without the betrayal trauma. I no longer feel like I don’t have anything to smile about. I am not afraid of the world anymore. I do not fear socializing. But, the one thing that I still do, and for a while I thought it was terribly broken, is I still bring up the other woman. I still say things like, “hmmm, if you don’t like how things are here in our house… I am sure your girlfriend would take you in a second.” Or something crazy like this, “Maybe you would be happier with your girlfriend, she seemed to be everything you were looking for.” I know this sounds really cruel to my recovering husband, but what I have realized is this is about me, not him. I think my subconscious throws this kind of shit out before I have time to stop it, because it is my way of reminding my husband, AND MYSELF, that I will never forget. No matter how “healed” I am, I have not forgotten what he did that affected me so deeply. Of course I don’t really think he wants to go back to the other woman. Of course I know she was not really his “girlfriend.” Of course I realize he hates hearing me say these things nearly three years in, but frankly, I don’t care. This is my way of reminding both of us there are consequences to our actions. We all must be held accountable for living in our own reality and for the choices we make. I am sure, one of these days, I won’t bring her up anymore. It’s not really about “her” anyway. It’s about me. It’s about me reminding him, that I have not forgotten what he did. I have learned to live with it over time, but every once in a while, I still stop and look around, for my own safety. There are still very infrequent moments in my life where I get the wind knocked out of me and my mind immediately goes to the phone call that shattered my world. It is just reality. If I didn’t acknowledge it, I would be pretending. And we know pretending about our own reality can really fuck with us, so let’s not pretend this didn’t happen. Let’s not pretend I don’t have the right to heal in my own time and in my own way. It’s not a lot to ask under the circumstances.
One of my all time favorite quotes:
“Sometimes fate is like a small sandstorm that keeps changing directions. You change direction but the sandstorm chases you. You turn again, but the storm adjusts. Over and over you play this out, like some ominous dance with death just before dawn. Why? Because this storm isn’t something that blew in from far away, something that has nothing to do with you. This storm is you. Something inside of you. So all you can do is give in to it, step right inside the storm, closing your eyes and plugging up your ears so the sand doesn’t get in, and walk through it, step by step. There’s no sun there, no moon, no direction, no sense of time. Just fine white sand swirling up into the sky like pulverized bones. That’s the kind of sandstorm you need to imagine.
And you really will have to make it through that violent, metaphysical, symbolic storm. No matter how metaphysical or symbolic it might be, make no mistake about it: it will cut through flesh like a thousand razor blades. People will bleed there, and you will bleed too. Hot, red blood. You’ll catch that blood in your hands, your own blood and the blood of others.
And once the storm is over you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, in fact, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.”
– Haruki Murakami, Kafka on the Shore
try not to cry on my rainbow 
❤️ This. The second quote it particularly pertinent this week.
But I do think at the core of who we are doesn’t change, sometimes our behaviour adapts but the core of us is resolute. X
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I think for a while I forgot how resolute my core actually is. But, I am back! 🙂 ❤
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I’ve got to say Kat, I’ve been reading your blog for almost 3 years, I think your resolution and the heart of who you are has always been crystal clear. But I’m glad you feel it, man that is amazing! 😍
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Thank you! ❤
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I am in the same place as you, 3 1/2 years since d-day. Almost 40 years with my husband, 36 years of lying and betrayals. Now we have this new marriage based on total honesty. Some days I feel very good, but the black cloud always hangs over my head. And the whores are always in the corner. Thank you for your inspirations on how to navigate thru this. Unless you are walking in these shoes, you cannot truly comprehend what betrayal trauma does to ones sole.
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That is so true, Rhonda. Unless someone has been through this, they really have no idea. We can make the best of a bad situation, but the betrayal is never forgotten. Consequences. The pain of their actions can never be taken back. A simple reason I would never do such a thing to anyone. I wish we had all been treated with the same respect. ❤
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I agree wholeheartedly. Of course! I don’t do the “go see your girlfriend” thing anymore, so it does stop, I think. I didn’t do it a lot anyway, weirdly. But yeah, it happened. More than once, yes, often after particularly hot and sweaty, passionate, exhausting sex, lol. With our situation, he did plan to leave me for her. For about five minutes, then the reality of who she is, who she has always been hit home. She is a compulsive cheater and nasty piece of work, narcissistic, all about her and what she can get out of anyone and any situation. His needs or wants, which have been paramount in OUR relationship (ugh) would have been a long, long last. He knew that.
The odd thing for me is that during this latest period of … even more acceptance(?) I have thought again about contacting her to try to have that decent conversation that I thought in the beginning that we could have. To let her know who I am, and who I have become through my life journey. To explain the absolute adoration and deep love I had for Roger for the first 21 years – that it was never a case of boring old ‘marrieds’ for us, that our relationship was ‘special’ – yeah right! I wanted to appeal to her empathy and humanity, Lord knows she doesn’t have either! I don’t know why, but twice recently, I have wanted to message her. Thank God I don’t! And I won’t! But the urge to do so is back in force. Ugh! And my nightmares have increased their intensity again, I know I must have one powerful self-protection psyche in place, damn it! Time is just a marker, it has no magic properties on its own.
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Since the OW in our life is a stranger to me and a throw away to my husband, saying “your girlfriend” holds very little reality in and of itself, but it does sting him. I totally understand you not wanting to use that phrase or any for that matter. She is way too much of a reality in your situation. Also, considering what HER STD/STI panel must look like, yeah, “nasty piece of work” seems to fit.
That desire to tell my own truth, about who I am (and more importantly who I am NOT) and what kind of wife I am and how I feel about BE is very very strong in me too even though I don’t know this woman. Because it is about me. I need to be happy knowing that I know that I am all those things and more. BUT, it’s a bitch convincing myself I don’t need to sit her down and tell her my story. I know she won’t hear me. I know she will always only be able to rationalize herself through hating me. It sounds like Leanne just doesn’t care one way or the other. She was just after Rog. Strangely different situations but two equally crazy bitches.
I hope your nightmares eventually subside. Dreams are such a strange thing and definitely represent residual thoughts in our minds. BE had a dream the other night that he was about to cheat with a gorgeous woman and then the woman’s face turned into a pig face and gravy started pouring out of her pig nose. OMG, Ew!!!! So that’s what it is going to take for him to be turned off from cheating, hahaha. And actually I love pigs. Now I just can’t get that awful image out of my head. Geez, BE, thanks for sharing!!!
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I think the telling of the story is an important part of it for me, and I believe for many bloggers. I think it is a big part of the drive for my Masters topic – to allow people to tell some of their story. Weirdo that I am!
I don’t even know if she was after Rog. I think she was after a fariytale, a life that doesn’t really exist – to be a lady who lunches, plays tennis during the week, and lives in her palace, with expensive ‘things’ – ha!!! She wanted to come and live in my leaky roofed, 1970s carpeted, in-need-of-renovation palace! Such ambition! (Nah, I am pretty sure she wanted both – to keep her beautiful home in our largest city, and her ‘farm’ home to visit and play Queen in from time to time.) She totally discounted that half of it is mine.
I think the use of the word ‘girlfriend’ (considering we are all middle aged!) is somewhat hilarious – but also quite ironic, in that both the kids and I jokingly referred to her occasionally as his girlfriend during their affair – totally oblivious to the truth of the title! It was supposed to be a JOKE, DAMMIT!!!
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Yep, because we just know that would never happen, right? Leanne was not actually his lover nor ever would be in your minds because your Rog was not that kind of guy. I did the same with BE. After that strange email all those years ago, when the phone would ring late at night I would say… “hey, maybe it’s your girlfriend.” Not ever saying it because I actually believed it. It was a joke. Joke’s on me. I cannot imagine the stress he was under and that somehow he deemed it “worth it.” Sometimes still I sit here in my lovely home office, or recently in our gorgeous beach house and think… this all feels so unreal. That my life is such a dichotomy filled with lovely things and for so long filled with ugly hidden secrets. I have to move past those thoughts or they threaten to unhinge me some days.
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Beautifully put. I have no doubt, had I stayed with my ex, I’d fall into many of those traps too. I can tell u that I still look behind me in my low moments. It happens less often, but it still happens. I still indulge in the occasional pity party after all this time. I guess it’s a process. In the meantime, despite it all, I like who I’m becoming. ❤️
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You always were and continue to be a beautiful person inside and out. What they did is about them. That being said, we are all humans in progress and continuing to work on ourselves is part of the journey we are all on. xoxo
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Ha! You say “girlfriend” I do the same thing with the word “whore”… makes me feel a whole lot better and reminds him that I will never forget what he did and who he did it with!
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I totally get it, PW. The thing with my husband is, though, that he wants me to call her a whore. That is much more palatable to him (considering he is an addict and calls her a drug) than calling her his girlfriend. Girlfriend is much more personal and hits him a little harder. Different situations. But yes, bringing it up in whatever context is part of the consequence of what they did. Assholes! xo
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Makes perfect sense. My husband once referred to what he had with the PFW as a “relationship”. I told him in no uncertain terms that it wasn’t a relationship, it was a nasty, dirty, disgusting affair! Assholes indeed! Hope you are well. Loves your pics of Hawaii… my happy place ❤
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I am so bummed that I have been sick for two weeks and unable to exercise. I have maintained my weight loss (still have 25 pounds to go), but need to get back to building muscle. I hate being sick, especially trying to put together Thanksgiving dinner with a horrid cough. I am slowly feeling better this week and will be back at it soon. How is your journey?
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Ugh, sorry you’ve not been well. I’m doing ok. Was the 3rd “anniversary” of D Day last month so have been a bit down but hoping I’ll get some Christmas cheer soon. Can’t be too bad or I’d have been on here moaning and bitching about my asshole husband and the whore LOL! Health wise I really need to get back to the gym. We lost my father-in-law in August and I’ve not been particularly motivated to get back since. Weight loss has slowed down considerably but thats ok, might give my skin a chance to catch up! 15 lbs to go until I am officially a “normal” weight according to the BMI chart and I am currently sporting a size 10 pair of skinny jeans from American Eagle and a medium t shirt so I’m feeling pretty good about myself 🙂 All in all, life if pretty good, apart from the whore shaped elephant that continues to sit in the fucking corner 😉
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Those damn BMI charts. You sound like you are in a pretty “normal” range to me. How fantastic! Congratulations. You feeling good is all that matters. I weigh less now than I did when I got pregnant with my first son about 26 years ago, so that is a milestone. I also weigh less than my husband. Another milestone. Regardless of all that, I still need to keep losing and stay strong physically. Age is a bitch. Life just seems to get in the way of our best laid plans. Those anniversaries are not fun. We are a little over a month away from d-day #3, but it didn’t bother me last year, so I’m thinking I will be okay. But ya never know. Still wish someone would herd up all these elephants and ship them away!!! Have you set up some Christmas decorations yet, put on the holiday tunes? Maybe that will help speed up the cheer. xoxo
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