I’m sorry

/ CrazyKat1963
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Peonies from my cutting garden.

Sometimes I feel like I need to put out a disclaimer before I start typing. Although we are moving forward together, me with Blue eyes, and I am healing, and I keep writing because it helps me feel better in the moment, this ride is so tumultuous, some days I feel like I’m going to be sick. I have written before, and still hold by that truth, that I had never suffered not even one day of depression before discovery. I mean sure, I had moments of sadness, anger, frustration, despair, all natural emotions, but they were truly moments (not weeks, months, or even days) and they weren’t necessarily focused at Blue Eyes. I mean yeah, most of the frustration was, to be honest, because we are so very different in personality. I was frustrated by how disorganized he was, how much he worked, and how little time he carved out for me and the boys in the scheme of things, etc… etc… etc… all water under the bridge now. When he was with us, he was a pretty great husband and a fun and present Dad. I accepted him for who he was, and vice versa, warts and all.

After discovery, everything changed. I cannot really think of anything that didn’t change. Our lives will never be the same, never look the same. I cannot un-see what has been seen (mostly I conjure images in my imagination of his bad acts). I can’t un-hear what has been heard and I especially cannot un-do what has been done. My march forward bears all the painful truth that was hidden before discovery. I am truly grateful that my journey so far, all 1,254 days of it, has included much healing. I literally can go days now without thinking about the other woman, without thinking about the disgusting behavior of Blue Eyes’ secret life, and I do not, at this point, think of leaving him anymore. Unfortunately, with all that progress, the pain is still there, sometimes in the most subtle of ways, and I’m pretty sure it will never ever leave me.

It started last week. Blue Eyes was out of town for the day and I needed to take the dogs to doggie daycare. He had taken my car and left me with the dog car. The morning started out so ordinary. I hooked the dogs up to their leashes and we headed out to the old Volvo. This used to be my car. I sat in the driver seat and adjusted the mirrors and out of nowhere, I was struck by an image of the other woman driving my car to Seattle. Something I hadn’t really thought about for… years? Sitting there in my old car, with the dogs staring expectantly at me from the back seat, I felt physically ill. That nauseous feeling just swept right through me. I didn’t know what to do with it. I was aware of where this feeling could send me. Should I stay in the moment and feel those feelings again, possibly leading me to a crying jag or worse? Should I center myself with a little deep breathing and meditation. Should I get out of the car and go back inside the house and throw up? I felt like I needed to. And, truthfully, the dog car smells badly of dog. I’m rarely in this car anymore and I wonder how Blue Eyes can tolerate it. That makes me wonder why he doesn’t take the effort to clean it more often. Honestly, he still has the distinct talent of compartmentalizing so much, apparently even the smell of dirty dog. I opted to just sit in the moment. I opened the windows and there was a nice cool breeze. I took deep breaths of the fresh air and mindfully cleared all the thoughts from my head. I sat like that for close to 10 minutes, listening to the birds and the distant sounds of traffic. I did okay at getting out of the tough spot, and I made it back home having blocked out the destructive image, but that melancholy stayed with me.

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My favorite room at the Four Seasons Beverly Hills

While we were in Los Angeles, I had a few rough moments. At one point Blue Eyes actually said, out loud, “I’m tired of being reminded of my bad acts.” That made me feel totally alone. Of course he apologized, but the words were already out there. The rest of the time, I felt like something was missing. When Blue Eyes was with me, I could feel my energy seeping out of me. When he was off to meetings, things seemed less stressful, and my mood improved.

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Sunset in La La Land

Yesterday we drove to the beach house to check on everything. We had a company deep clean the house (there was so much construction dust) and also do the windows, which were filthy from all the coastal storms the past few months.

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Unfortunately, our time at the beach house was short as Blue Eyes needed to be back for more out of town meetings today, and I need to pack and prepare for Paris. As I got into the driver seat of my car outside the beach house last night, I noticed a longish blonde hair stuck in the headrest of my seat. I don’t have blonde hair. I don’t know anyone that would be in the car that would have long blonde hair, especially in the driver seat. It brought back memories of me and the boys visiting his work apartments in California all those years ago and noticing long hairs in the shower drains. He always had an excuse. The cleaning person he had hired (what cleaning person leaves hair in the drains???)… his roommate’s girlfriend probably used his shower? Of course they really belonged to the first other woman. She had been to both his apartments. He was so quick to offer an excuse, then. This time he just looked at me, as confused as I. He had the car cleaned after our Yosemite trip. He parked my car with the valet service at the airport a few days ago. He had no clue how the hair got there. Funny I hadn’t noticed it before. It was really stuck in there.

Even though I don’t believe the hair is from some new other woman, and frankly it makes me tired just thinking that, I still feel off. As I have said many times, menopause is kicking my ass. I am emotionally drained. I know I have some kind of minor depression. I don’t feel altogether sad, I feel tired. Tired of dealing with all of it.

So, I’m sorry because I’m not bringing a burst of light and joy into the world today. I’m sorry that writing out my problems helps me feel better because I know people who read might feel worse. I’m sorry that there isn’t some magic pill that makes all this go away. I’m sorry that I feel so dark on such a gloriously beautiful almost summer day. I think I’ll take a nap and hope to dream of Paris… four days and counting. Paris is going to be grand! ❤

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Pont des Arts. Lover’s locks bridge. Paris, France. June, 2013.

51 thoughts on “I’m sorry”

  1. I love all of Paris but my absolute favorite place is the Rodin museum. Looooved it! The figures explode out of the rock. I had no idea how powerful his pieces are. I enjoyed every place we visited but I would go back and camp in the building and just stare.
    Please put lots of pictures up.

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    • Missed this comment somehow. Funny enough, at the Grand Palais there was a Rodin exhibit, but we only had time for the Jardin Exhibit. I had the Rodin Museum on my wish list from my first visit to Paris in 2013, and it’s still on the list… next time. I have been to the Rodin Museum in Philadelphia, and they have a large permanent collection of his works at the North Carolina Museum of Art, which I visited with a friend when I was in NC last year.

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  2. Oh that hair would have sent me reeling in to Trigger Land. The pain of betrayal absolutely permeates every area of life and even when a new life is built that pain can rush back in at a moments notice. Thinking of you! (P.s. the glimpses of your beach house are stunning!)

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  4. http://www.grandpalais.fr/en/event/jardins

    You might enjoy this. I am planning to go to Paris (and Berlin and Vienna) later this year and sadly I will miss this. I love the Grand Palais; I have seen an awesome Monet exhibition there and the absolutely fabulous House of Cartier retrospective there.

    Definitely go to Iceland!!! I was there when my “friend” was in cancer hell and while I was thinking of him constantly I madly loved it. I have a picture in my bedroom of a beautiful rainbow I saw there the day he was finding out if his chemo was working…I will never forget what I witnessed that year. I want to go back sometime without that kind of emotional burden.

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      • No, not a tour person. Rented a car and drove about a third of the Ring Road on the East side. I have never seen anything like Iceland–waterfalls, glaciers, lakes, volcanoes, and a zillion sheep (though not as many as in Scotland!). Breathtakingly beautiful.

        Sometimes I use Viator for day trips, though. Iceland is the only foreign country I have ever driven in and Viator works with local companies everywhere, with a lot of small group (like in a van) options. Went to Hunter Valley and Great Ocean Road through them in Oz in February.

        Have fun in Paris, I am dreaming of La Grande Épicerie at le Bon Marché!!!

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            • Ah, B. You caught me while I am actually at my computer for the first time in weeks. Paris was magical, as always. I will write about it soon. I did feel like we lived at Le Grande Epicerie. I think we were there every day. It was a half mile from our apartment in St. Germain. I even managed to bring home some butter and chocolate wrapped carefully and then surrounded by ice packs in my luggage. Also spices from the spice store at the food hall across from Galeries Lafayette. If BE had been with me, I wouldn’t have bothered, but I wanted to bring back some treats for those who weren’t as lucky as me. My last day I had Pain Perdu at the Epicerie restaurant called La Table. Divine. We did make it to the Jardin exhibit at the Grand Palais. It was wonderful, but I think I was expecting more large scale floral or garden paintings/murals. Next time I will go to Musee de l’orangerie to get my fix. I am going to try and fit the whole seven days into one blog entry… xo

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              • Did you do airbnb? My last time I was a couple of blocks from the Bon Marché but in a studio apartment. Great location (though most are, as long as you are near a Metro so you don’t have to crawl home too far at the end of the day). Looking forward to the recap!!

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                • No airbnb, HomeAway. It worked out very well. We needed a two bedroom/two bath and this apartment was really nice. It was a little noisy at night in my bedroom (street side) as it was right above and across from two very active cafe/bars, but it cooled down enough that I could close the windows at night and the little fan blocked a bit of the noise. And yeah, we did a bit of crawling home late. We were very close to three Metro stations.

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              • There is an excellent documentary out now about Monet’s life called “I, Claude Monet”. Saw it this spring. Amazing story. So much suffering and struggle. I am a YUGE fan of his and found out there is so many paintings I know nothing about.

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                • I’ll look it up. I am also a big fan of Monet. I loved visiting Giverny and the gardens a few years back. What a quaint little village and gorgeous place of inspiration. But there is always so much we don’t know because the artists tend to be remembered and honored for a specific type of art, or a specific period of time.

                  I visited the David Hockney exhibit at the Pompidou and learned so much about Hockney. I knew about his pool paintings and his polaroids, but I didn’t realize he had so many other “periods” of exploration in his life. It was fun.

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  5. Don’t ever apologize 4 having funky thoughts. The fact that you had the courage to start this years ago has helped so many of us. I know I would have been so lost without you and this blog.
    Years ago I read a book called “conquest of mind”. I have turned to this sooooo many times in my life. It helps with unwanted thoughts and emotions w a Buddhist approach. Amazing… I think.
    However, I often wonder what to do when thoughts come up. I remember early on (I am 11 months post dday) people told me to “feel it.” I don’t think I had much of a choice then. Now, though, when my thoughts go dark I try to reel it in and detach like I did when I was younger and naive and trusting. I want to be that woman/girl again. I want to be my resilient self again.
    I teared up when u said u weren’t depressed ever before BE betrayal. I felt the exact way. Keep believing in you- be the woman you envisioned yourself to be when you were in high school. I am convinced it is my choice how I move thru this & I don’t want any more days muddied up.

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    • Thanks, Wow, I’ll look into picking up that book. I want to be that resilient woman I was too, but I am not there yet, and not sure I ever will be, but I am okay. I know I’ll be fine, just a somewhat muted version of my former self. xo

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  6. Most people have a relatively short time to feel guilty. It is so uncomfortable that they will stop feeling it if they can. This may be where BE is. This has nothing to do with shame. Shame is forced on us by circumstances, usually by our parents. Guilt is when we knowingly do something to someone that we know we should not do. We apologize and then don’t understand why things can’t go back the way they were. It is called growing up. When you are an adult and you do something wrong you take the consequences. When your choices are as bad as his, then he knows there is no short-term fix, but he gets tired of feeling guilty. This is no excuse for his behavior but I am guessing that underneath all of it is horrible anxiety, and that is what propelled him. Ask him what he is feeling when he begins to want to act out sexually. Ask him to give you words so that you can understand exactly what he feels. I know it is shame-based, and I know there’s depression, but the older I get, and the more I read and study, the more I believe anxiety is THE driving force that gets most of us in such hot water. Anxiety is actually painful. I think it is as painful as depression.
    I had an in-law who was so badly damaged as a child that his marriage was his everything. When his wife was away from him he would call incessantly and he was loud enough that we can hear his voice on the phone. It sounded like it was 10 octaves higher than normal you could hear the anxiety coming through the phone. He did not suspect her of any bad behavior he was just so miserable without her because she was the only stability in his life. He lived with that anxiety until he died. That is what BE needs to focus on. He absolutely needs to figure out how to manage his anxiety in a healthy way.

    My daughter has been to France twice and both times stopped off in Iceland. She fell so in love with the country that she went back just to see Iceland. She says it is a phenomenal place to visit. I hope the two of you have time there if you have not been before. Have a great time in Paris. It is such a beautiful city.

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    • Howdy Moi. It’s only me with a stopover in Iceland. I am meeting blogger friend Totally Caroline in Paris (she flies from the east coast). I will not be leaving the airport in Reykjavik this time, but now that I know that we have a direct flight to Iceland, I’m pretty sure BE and I will be flying there in the future. I have heard great things about Iceland.

      Blue Eyes will not be going on this trip and you are correct. He lives with anxiety every day. He is anxious about me being gone even though it is just for one week and our son is here at home with him. I do think that people who suffer from severe anxiety have a difficult time recognizing their constant anxiety and working to manage it. Even when I was spending days at the beach house, he was off. It was his choice to drive back to the city, not mine. It is so strange to me because when he is busy with meetings or whatever, I don’t hear a peep from him, but when he doesn’t have anything in particular scheduled, instead of doing some of the other tasks that he needs to do, he calls me and even keeps me on the phone for his entire ride home in the car, or whatever. He’s definitely still working on his separation anxiety. Before, he would fill his mind with addictive thoughts, sexual thoughts, texting, emailing, grooming, whatever. Now I am like a security blanket. A little bit of it is normal I think, but a lot of it is quite obsessive. Not only is he missing his addiction, but he is also aware that my always being there for him is tenuous… he broke that part of me that believed in an unbreakable bond. He broke the part of me that believes I will always be there by his side whenever he needs me. There are parameters around that now. While he was doing all his acting out, ironically, I don’t think he ever thought about losing me. Now, however, that the truth is out, I believe it is often on his mind and exacerbates his anxiety.

      I’m pretty sure he works on this with his therapist, but again, I am a bit jaded when it comes to therapy.

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    • Oh my, yes — anxiety is very painful. Both of us have it. Hub’s seems to have gotten worse after “the bomb went off” and after his suicide attempt. He was in so much emotional pain that he really wanted to end his life. My hub is a physician, so he is a smart, accomplished guy, but his emotional maturity is messed up b/c of his childhood (in my humble opinion).

      Hub talked to his doctor and his doc changed his medication. I don’t believe the answer to anxiety lies in a pill; so, yes, managing anxiety in a healthy way is needed for both of us. Yoga helps me. Looking into my dog’s eyes helps me. Being by water help me.

      I felt so sad when I read your comment “somewhat muted version of my former self” — it reminded me of how I am now compared to before. I was so full of life-energy, always smiling, creative, and beaming out love-vibes. Now I feel like a depressed, gray rock. I’d love to get my power bak and I know I will someday, but I am so much in the midst of this turmoil right now. I need to keep processing it and continue to practice self-care.

      Peace and light to you and anyone else who made read this!

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      • Hi beleeme. I try to respond to messages in a timely manner, but I have been away and then jet leg… then the holiday, well, I’m exhausted. Yes, unfortunately I do feel like a muted version of myself on many days. I don’t have the same energy or enthusiasm much of the time. And yes, there is a lot of processing to do and a lot of healing. xo

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  7. Totally Grand my dear, I insist on it, and I will make sure we have the best time ever ♥️♥️♥️
    These bad thoughts come and go. We can’t stop them. Talking about them can help, but be careful not to do what I sometimes do: create horrible scenarios that don’t or never existed. Look, the only person u have control of is you. Believe in yourself enough to know that no matter what BE does or doesn’t do, you are strong enough to be ok (yeah, easier said than done, but you are on the path to reaching that).
    You are an amazing woman, and there is only one person just like you. Remember that. Remember how awesome you are and own it!!!!

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    • Yeah, I know, I’m pretty awesome. 😉 I know BE thinks so too, but it doesn’t change what was done. On normal days it’s all good, but some days are so tiring.

      I’m doing my final packing right now, well, in between other things. It looks to be warm in Paris. I’m bringing mostly skirts and sandals. I can’t wait. ❤

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    • The gut pain. Yes – I’ve been reading about the Vagus nerve. I know that when I am triggered, and my guts twist or I feel nauseous, it’s b/c of the fight/flight/freeze stuff and my Vagus nerve is reacting. We can’t reason with that beast; it’s reptilian. The only thing we can do is be mindful and use calming/breathing techniques to calm the central nervous system.

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      • So true, beleeme. My stress tends to go to my heart, but BE has been dealing with digestive tract issues since he was a small child. In fact, he is missing most of it, surgically removed many many years ago. 😦

        We’re both working on the stress reduction. xo

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  9. I get slammed with the sadness too. I’m in a bad month, affair wise, even though this is the time of year the kids are home, the beach is calling, etc. But it’s also when he accused me of having no respect for family, while he drove hours to see his dying grandpa and go to a hotel with the ow. I remember that night because I told all our friends over wine that I felt we had turned a corner and that I thought things were good in the marriage. But he was fucking a whore who had made a big effort to leave behind a husband and 4 kids on a summer weekend. Something I wasn’t doing. Because family. It’s been 4 years since he did that, but time isn’t lessening that pain.

    Totally unrelated, but what brand of giant windows did you install? I need to source some that would be east coast usable. New construction, right? It looks beautiful, I’m starting my beach place this summer.

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    • Hi Lemondrop, I’ll have to look up the window manufacturer. They were researched and ordered by our architect. They are rated at 90mph+ winds, etc… for the Oregon Coast, so hopefully they will hold up. East coast is probably similar.

      I no longer have sadness around specific days or events or seasons, I just have a sort of melancholy that sticks around. Sometimes I don’t even know what it is prompted by. And yeah, they have all kinds of deflections they like to throw at us in order to divert from their own culpability. I know my husband believed he was neglected… pretty sure he totally believed it when he told the other woman that I wasn’t focused on his needs and I didn’t like sex and we were like roommates, or whatever. Blah, blah, blah, all lies and deflections for their own rotten behavior, but pretty sure they believed some of it at the time. Pretty sure the OW never believed it, she just wanted what she wanted. Selfish, spoiled, broken, hurtful people. So not fair.

      We are forever changed, but I keep reminding myself that is doesn’t have to hold me back from living life. Summer is supposed to cheer me up, but sometimes it doesn’t. I think Paris will. xx

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  10. Oh Kat- you don’t have to apologize. Getting through a betrayal that devastates a person so thoroughly will never be linear. Reminders of your husband’s duplicity will be painful- even this far along. His response to your sadness didn’t help either. I under all these feelings- you will get through this period of melancholy. I know how awful it is and how it seems to press you down, but these feelings are part of healing. It’s okay to still grieve and mourn over what you lost.

    But also know that there will always be brighter and better days to look forward to as well!

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      • Whaaaaat???? Iceland????? Now I am super jealous! Youngest daughter has a dear friend from Iceland who came and visited us Down Under last summer. We are trying to work out ways to get D up there to visit with R. I also have a landscape photographer friend (exBF actually) who leads excursions up there every three years. He’s done five and is due for another one soon. His work is beautiful, and just makes me desperate to go!

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        • OMG, Iceland with a landscape photographer. Now that sounds like fun. I want to go… 🙂 You know I will not be leaving the airport this time around. I only have an hour and 25 minute changeover. 😦

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  11. If you need to apologise for very eloquently admitting that life is not always peachy, then I would need to live apologising! Life ways has ups and downs. What I have found difficult is the greatly reduced resilience I now exhibit. Am reading a book on resilience at present, written by a woman with a psychology PhD here in NZ, whose youngest child, a daughter, was killed in a road crash at 11 years of age. She has two sons as well. There are some key points about resilience. But the part that got most is her – a ‘poster child’ for healing and acceptance saying that she will never be who she was. She will never be as social. As carefree. Etc. That secondary losses are real and reverberate for years (forever.) And I thought about how loss is usually constructed as so embodied. That you ‘lose’ a loved one, as in they don’t exist anymore, in death. But the embodied presence of someone you will be forever somehow linked with, no matter how precariously (through children, shared interests, friends, etc) makes that ‘loss’ somehow invisible to others.

    Have a fantastic trip! Hope you are packing ALL THE elastic-waisted pants/skirts 😉

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    • Oh yes, you know, I pretty much only wear elastic waste clothing! My “figure” requires it! And yeah, cheating and disconnecting, divorce, whatever has become so mainstream it’s as if we have no reason to be hurting. Business as usual. I would dare say people who have not suffered such a loss would expect someone who lost a child to be over it at some point. We live in such a fast paced world where there’s a new story every five seconds and I think people have become somewhat immune and more judgmental. We’ll never be over it no matter what society expects. But we know, we only answer to ourselves. ❤️

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    • Oh yeah, I know this is really horrid of me, but the thought of the other woman dying of cancer would provide me with a huge sense of relief. She’s still out there… ew. I don’t actually wish her dead, but if a spaceship beamed her out of this orbit I wouldn’t be upset. Actually, if she would just move to another town that would be nice. 😣

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  13. OMG I love your beach house!! But Paris??! I’m dying. Paris is where I belong. Well maybe not Paris but France for sure. Je suis tres jalouse!!!

    Not minimizing. I hear you. Guess what?? The OW died last week. Stage 4 cancer ate her up. She’s lying on a slab in a lab waiting to be dissected up!! Sold her body even in death. Am I gloating or happy? No. Because there can always be another OW. Six years later and the specter is still here.

    What a load of bullshit this is

    Bonnie Voyage mon ami.

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    • Paris is going to be wonderful! The betrayal and its aftermath is a load of bullshit. We so did not deserve to be treated so badly! And OMG… I never realized how exciting a few clean windows could be! 😁

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  14. No apology needed, Kat. I can so relate to the feelings. Sometimes I’m truly triggered by an event or an action, other times it seems like the feelings come from I don’t know where. Today I decided that just for today I would pretend none of this ever happened. No d-day, no other women, no b.s. I wouldn’t talk about it or think about it. I wanted to go back to before, just for a day. Of course it didn’t work completely, but it did feel kind of free at times. Out of the blue, I remembered that many years ago a man whom I always considered being happily married telling me how much he admired and wanted me. It came up very unexpectedly. We were friends as couples. His wife was a friend. He and I were walking in the marina rather late one night just chatting and he laid that on me. I was shocked, and yes, flattered, but I quickly told him that no, that would not be possible. He agreed. Nothing ever came of it. He never said anything ever again. He and his wife are still happily married. I’m not sure why I just now am remembering this,. Maybe stuff like this happens a lot? Life goes on, marriages go on. I wondered if he ever hit on others? Did his wife know? I think more of this stuff goes on than any of us know. I don’t think we are as alone as we think we are.

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    • Unfortunately, Maggie, I think you are right. There are quite a lot of us dealing with betrayal, but there a lot of stories that remain secret as well. I fought at first with believing I would be better off not knowing, but we do need to know. My husband needs to recover and he couldn’t/can’t without getting his whole story out. It’s kind of mind blowing how many people are willing to cheat, for whatever reason. And it has become SO easy. Until it happens to us, we walk around blindly thinking it could only happen to other people, with unhappy marriages, or is only perpetrated by horrible people with no feelings or no morals. Truth is we are all weak in certain ways. Some people need constant affirmation and they get that sometimes from other needy people, either through emotional or physical relationships. If they only had the ability to actually feel the pain they are inflicting before they do it, but their being cut off from those thoughts and feelings is the only way they can pull it off. Sad. xx

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  15. Reading this makes me feel more normal. I am not far away from my D-Day and I feel pressure to feel normal again. No one knows, only 2 friends, and I feel alone in my bubble. Knowing others feel the feelings that I do makes me feel normal. I hate that we are all here, but I am relieved to know that we are guiding each other through the pain, just by sharing ours.

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  16. Don’t ever be sorry about writing out your problems. It gets them out there. Does it help? I don’t know…maybe. It certainly doesn’t make them go away…but so many of us understand. Maybe that offers some comfort. 😘

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