or that I am perfect, or whatever, I’m here to set the record straight. Ha ha ha, of course I am not perfect. No one is perfect, and I am far far from it.
I was doing my monthly check in, google search, etc… of my little family and for the first time in a couple months I checked the other woman’s Facebook using my divorced man’s fake Facebook account. I know, I know. This mature 54 year old woman is not so mature after all. Checking to make sure she hasn’t done something crazy, even after four years, like post a photo of her with my husband in some International location like Gothenburg, Sweden, or Copenhagen, Denmark, or Nara, Japan, just gives me the teeniest piece of mind.
So I checked her Facebook and along with all her posts about how awful Donald Trump is (I agree with you there, crazy person) and how horrible it is to purchase a dog from a breeder (versus saving a dog from a shelter–well, I totally see the value in this even though we have two full bred dogs), she had a couple posts that made me pause. Like the post about Japan and mindfulness. It hit a little close to Blue Eyes’ home if you know what I mean. All of a sudden I started questioning whether he had been in contact with her… spreading his new mindfulness mantra all up in her business. It just seemed so freaking out of place on her feed.
The video also includes quotes about how the key to happiness is being kind and respectful of others. I wonder if she ever thinks about how destructive her behavior was. How she was effectively trying to break apart a family and drive me insane. Of course she was being fed lies by Blue Eyes, but you have to be pretty delusional to believe those lies under the circumstances. Ah, well, I guess we can all be delusional sometimes. And I think it is a bit funny (not ha ha funny) how latching on to mindfulness seems like a modern concept when really, in my opinion, it should be our natural instinct. Treating others as you would want to be treated.
I started this post a couple days ago, and it has given me time to think about why I still do this. Why I check the only online presence I have for this person who so desperately tried to drive me crazy and break apart my marriage. She’s not doing it anymore. After Blue Eyes called the police (twice, at least) to my knowledge, she gave up. I think for a while it was a game to her. I truly do not care about this woman. At one point I admit I was very afraid of her, but that died out with my trauma. I was never envious of her. So why do I still check her Facebook?
I believe my motives have nothing to do with the other woman. It all goes back to not trusting my husband. As much healing as I have done, it will be a very long time before I fully trust Blue Eyes again, if ever. This is what 30 years of lying, and 15 years of cheating gets him. It is what it is. But just to be clear, this is not the opportunity to say, “Well, she will never trust me, so why bother even trying to gain back that aspect of our relationship.”
This is the opportunity for him to keep striving, every single day, to prove to me that he is trustworthy. Healing and recovery do not just end. There isn’t some magic day where we merely wash our hands of this messy business and move on as before. There is no “before.” Before doesn’t exist because reality didn’t live there. At least not for me.
try not to cry on my rainbow 
To acknowledge and be willing to live in the wreckage we created and be at peace with it. The anger or resentment at not having trust again is a barometer of the strength and cunningness of the addiction and the power of negative seeds. Acceptance that trust is gone and will never be the same and taking responsibility for it and being at peace with Kats questions her doubts her mentioning of OW’s and my past bad acts, being able to be grateful and have compassion and empathy for Kat that is the bell for my recovery. Recovery is the art of compassion for Kat and for myself and not running away. It’s the toughest journey I have ever taken, but insight and awakening are priceless.
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Well, here is one thing we certainly have in common, Mr. Blue Eyes. We both love our pulpits! I can only imagine how difficult it is to live honestly out in the light, having lived in secrets and lies for four decades. I do agree that being angry and resentful, or even frustrated with lack of trust in who you are now versus who you were in your addiction is a barometer of the power of negative energy and addiction, but, no one is perfect and sometimes those emotions need to come out. Let them out. Show us all who you really are. That’s what life is about, not hiding or pretending. Thanks for sharing! ❤
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Thanks for the reality check post, Kat. After almost 2 yrs. of a very rocky recovery, my H has 104 days of sobriety. I pretty much believe him mainly because of changes in his behavior. He’s finally embracing the SAA group he has attended almost daily now for almost 2 yrs., meets with the best CSAT in our area 1X a wk, has joined a therapy group with other SAs, sees a psychiatrist and is on meds, in short it’s his life. Why do I say I “pretty much” believe him? Lack of trust. He’s lied so much and so well, only time and his behavior will tell. He’s sometimes frustrated with that, but as I’ve said to him, I would be lying if I said I trusted him completely.
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I’m so glad you both have gained this much progress! To be honest, I think the bigger pull to stay sober for BE is that he cherishes that sobriety date and his chips more than that he doesn’t want to lose me or hurt me or whatever. I know that sounds bad and he would most likely say it’s both, but I think he is extremely proud of his sobriety and it is something he controls, solely by himself whereas my mood, my healing, is much less tangible for him. Cheers to 2018! xo
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Some variation of the “you’re only as happy as your unhappiest family member”, or “you’re only as healthy as the sickest member in your family” come to mind reading this. Because addiction is a disease, dis-ease, the illness pervades every part of the family. It is probably a great deal like a long chronic illness that is eventually spread to other members of the family. I did not know until this year that there are people who are carriers of strep. They can keep it in their bodies all their lives without getting sick from it and yet people around them are constantly sick with it. BE brought his illness into your marriage. He did not know he was a carrier at that point but that is what he is. He brought the illness of sex addiction into your family. Your family will only heal when he is healed and with addictions you never heal. Cat, that is your reality. It really is. My husband has a bad heart and that is my reality because whatever he does and whereever he goes I’m aware of it. Every time I hear a siren and I’m away from home I watch what it is and where it is going. If it is only a cop I can breathe, if it’s a ambulance and it turns down towards my home I go home. As we age we become either so used to trauma that we stop dealing with it by becoming numb, or we become so sensitive that we are hyper aware of it. Whatever the case, there is no getting away from the reality of life. There is no one that I know that does not have a burden. We all do. It is the grace with which we carry it that sees us through. When our burden is inflicted on us by a person we love and trust it becomes even heavier. As long as your husband shows his dedication to you and your family then your burden is lighter but it is always there. That’s the reality of life
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Btw, the OW might have found this blog. I can’t remember how I did. I think I stumbled onto another blogger and you wrote a thoughtful reply. I really have no idea. Anyway, she is probably constantly looking for you, or BE on line. It might help for you to take this private but I think you are a light in the darkness for new bs. To take away your experiences and your philosophy would be one less “rock” for others to stand on.
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I don’t know whether she has found the blog, and I blocked her from FB, but as you know, my Instagram is wide open. She can pretty much see our life, usually after the fact, but still, I don’t really care. I tried going private on social media and it just didn’t work for me. I like people and I like meeting and interacting with lots of different types of people. If she feeds off of our life, so be it. This will always be about Blue Eyes. I’ve never actually contemplated taking the blog private. It’s just my story, no one else’s, but it always helps to feel less alone and sometimes a blog can do that.
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I’m just jumping in to say that I found Kat on a recommendation of a psychologist! I think (possibly?) SHE found Kat b/c of her field and treating betrayal trauma, and she has gathered resources for betrayed partners — and Kat’s blog shows the ups and downs and the long journey in our healing, but mostly, how we are responsible for our own happiness. So, my point is — of course it’s Kat’s choice to do whatever she wants with her blog and settings, yet I concur that she has been a light in my own darkness.
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It always surprises me in a pleasant way when I hear that someone trying to help other betrayeds has referred my blog. As I have written, I never intended for that to happen nor sought it out, but feel extremely humbled by the association. Because I have received overwhelmingly positive and kind responses to my blog, I will not make it private. The other woman can read it all she wants. It is merely my truth, day by day… thank you, beleeme! I hope 2018 is a year full of continued healing for you and your husband! xo
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Thank you Kat. My husband is working very hard in his recovery – I can see it. I’m struggling with managing triggers, but since FTD *just* happened a month ago and the holidays were here — that’s normal and I am giving myself some much-deserved grace and self-compassion. Here’s to healing! I’m already healing (D-Day was almost 2 years ago) and FTD can be a bit of a trauma setback, and I knew it would happen and it’s ok. I will be more resilient this time, b/c I have tools now that I didn’t have on D-Day.
I believe you are “spot-on” regarding trust. IMHO, and in my situation, it will never be the naive, blind trust that I had in my husband before. There is no going back. In some ways, I think that’s a very, very good thing, b/c I was too trusting.
I do believe some elements of trust can be re-built over time, with consistency, and actions matching words. The operative word — some. Not all.
May I share something else? You commented whether the OW reflected on herself and how destructive she was toward you, your family, and??? It’s very clear that she is psychologically sick to abuse anyone like that. (This doesn’t mean I’m suggesting that you have empathy toward her — you are wise and you know how to figure out what’s best for you.) This comment got my attention, though, b/c TODAY I was listening to a therapist (not my therapist) talk about this very situation. Apparently, the OW sent pictures to the wife. The therapist commented that the OW’s behavior was cruel and abusive, and clearly very sick, psychologically. I’m sorry you had to endure the OW meddling in your marriage.
Anyhow, not sure if this helps at all — but when I read your post and then heard the other story — my thought was, “These OW are just as sick as the addict.” They are not operating from the same “place” we operate from (self-reflection, care for others, honesty, etc.). A school psychologist I used to work with gave me a gift one time. She said, “You can’t make sense of crazy.” That helps me when I ruminate about why some people do such unhealthy things to others.
Hope this wasn’t too long. Thanks for keeping it real. 😉
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Never too long, beleeme. Funny you should mention the other woman and her mental capacities. Three of our therapists (we’ve had a few) believe that this OW has borderline personality disorder. My sister does and some of this woman’s behavior correlates with my sister’s behavior over the years. Realizing of course that it is difficult to diagnose someone they have never met, but they have many stories to base that on. From what she has said and done towards me and also the stories reiterated by BE (obviously also someone with serious issues), they don’t believe she is actually dangerous, but they do believe she is unstable. Well, I was frightened enough that we did call the police and the police did contact her. She didn’t stop the first time she was warned, but she did eventually stop. I do believe she is psychologically sick, also an addict (alcoholic), and I do have empathy. Early on the therapists actually had to actively deter me away from feeling too much empathy for the other women. I couldn’t believe the husband I knew could treat women so disrespectfully and cruelly. Then I realized that they were culpable and didn’t deserve any of my attention. They all knew they were in a “relationship” (of sorts) with a married man with a family and that he had no intention of leaving us. Their problems are their own, but I no longer feel any animosity towards this last and longest OW. I wish she hadn’t obsessively stalked me and sent threatening messages, etc…, but that is in the past.
Exactly four days post discovery, BE’s then therapist helping him with family issues and his brother’s suicide said to me, “stop trying to make sense of the senseless.” None of it made any sense to me. My whole world is about making sense, and doing right, and not hurting people, etc… this has indeed been a very rough journey, and I know you have been on one too. I’m sad we are in this together, but I am glad we are not alone. xoxo
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It is difficult living with these things hanging over our head, and you are right… we’re on high alert and it’s stressful. Thankfully BE is generally a high functioning and pretty happy guy. The rest, yeah, it will always be there! xo
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I believe that I will never fully trust my OH again. He was able to lie, deceive and sneak around behind my back for 8½ years before I found the texts that gave it all away. My naivety has gone forever now. Every ounce of trust and respect I give him, has to be earned by hard work and honesty in every aspect of our lives. Anything less than that doesn’t work fort me!
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Yes, same here! They don’t really deserve our trust and also trust is no longer a sweeping term for something I took for granted. Now it’s day to day. xo
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I’m using this page for a comment on your new theme because once I visited your blog I couldn’t find the new theme post?? It says page not found. Though I’d let you know
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Oh, sorry. Thanks. I changed my mind for now and deleted the post. I couldn’t get the other theme to work the way I wanted it to.
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Thanks for your entry Kat. I blew Trust up! I don’t trust myself, why should you indeed? While I don’t like the situation I am in, I created it. The vigilance is a reminder of the trauma I have caused you and the permanence of the injury. Unfortunately, I lost the expectation of trust a long time ago and don’t have any expectations of getting it back. Acceptance of non trust is necessary, Acceptance of who I am, Acceptance of what I can do are all necessary elements of recovery. They are all good reminders. The ditch is just a step away. Thankful for your non-trust. Smiling, BE
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Acceptance is good, but you should never stop working towards re-building what you obliterated. ❤
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Always working. A journey, not a destination 🙂
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Um hmmm. Seems I’ve heard that somewhere before.
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This lady I used to know found out her husband was sleeping with his coworker for at least a year!!! Every time he’d go out of town, he would meet up with her. He said he never physically cheated, only emotionally. Mmmm? She and I never believed him and never will. When you ignore your wife, sneak phone calls, smell of someone else, and send roses every time you’re out of town to soothe the guilt,. Kinda hard to believe it’s not physical or trust again!!! So I get it!
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Yeah, whether actual sexual activity occurred, time and energy is being stolen from the person who deserves it. Emotional or physical, cheating is cheating. My husband did cheat multiple times with actual sex, the last relationship lasting 8 years!!! Trust is difficult to earn back after all that.
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Exactly!!! Cheating is cheating point blank and the offender has to be patient when attempting to earn trust again!!!
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They need to be patient… and honest to a fault. It’s the only way! xo
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I should clarify, this was after we had “healed” and he had worked really hard on himself. Less than 5 years later he dove back into the dark world and had actually contacted one of the OW I was trying to keep tabs on. The one he called “freaky” and didn’t at all like, even during the affair.
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Yes, I totally get it MaryBeth. This happens quite often, especially in the SA world. Old habits die really hard, or they don’t die at all. Trust is a dangerous thing when someone has proven to be so untrustworthy. My husband knows I don’t trust him. He actually holds the keys to our future together in his hands, and he knows this. I am constantly testing his lying skills and I hate that I feel the need, but I hold in my hands the keys to MY happiness. As I like to say, he will never hurt me in the same way again. I know he has the capacity to cheat again, he’s a sex addict, it’s his way of coping with life. He knows what the consequences are now and he knows all lies are eventually discovered. I don’t enjoy living this way, but it is what it is. Nobody ever told me it would be easy, but gee I assumed it would be easier than this.
My husband has also said he didn’t even like this woman, and I admit she is very scary, but I have no doubt that he has the capacity to start up their relationship again.
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“I believe my motives have nothing to do with the other woman. It all goes back to not trusting my husband. ” This is so true. I used to tell my H that they say you should keep your friends close and your enemies closer. Unfortunately for me, it was my H that was the enemy and not the OW.
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So, did you divorce?
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No, he finally accepted that he’s a SA and by the end of the day of the confrontation, had lined up 3 different therapists and contacted a SAA group. Truthfully? Even after 2 years, I can’t say that I’m fully into the relationship. I guess I’m in a stage of watching and waiting to see if he can stay with his program this time.
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It’s all we can really do, unless we decide to leave. Focus on ourselves and let them do the same and if we enjoy the time we spend together, then it’s worth it to me, for now. I still very much love my husband, but in terms of being married to a sex addict, he needs to be in recovery. That’s the boundary I set in the first six months, for the marriage to continue, and we are approaching four years and it still holds true. I no longer think about his meetings or who he texts for support. That is a big burden that has lifted. I can definitely tell when he is ungrounded though, and that is important. That he is showing his emotions because those are what drove him to addiction in the first place. I hope your husband stays in his program.
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Not fully into the relationship – that is normal. I dealt with that for 15 years, not even knowing about SA during that time and thinking the first affair I discovered had a reasonable explanation, which was grief over the death of her mother. What I didn’t know at the time is she had a co-dependent relationship with her mother. When she lost that avenue of positive input, as addicts do, she spiraled out of control since she didn’t have the level of ego-stroking she used to have. It wasn’t until I discovered her addiction and she hit bottom that I knew the first affair was just a long chain of acting out – and I decided to leave. But for 15 years I had the excuse that it was a one-time thing and believed that, but like you I wasn’t able to fully adjust.
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I know that I put up with a lot of abuse from my in-laws and just figured all along that they were very difficult people and had an extremely firm grasp on their son’s sense of well being. I thought he would grow out of it. I never understood this as I am an extremely independent person and did not look to my parents for esteem or approval. Then again, they never denied it to me either. I grew into a strong, self-sufficient adult, whether that is to do with how they raised me and everything else than transpired in my childhood, or it was in me all along, who knows, but my husband is the opposite. He was an extremely sensitive child who suffered multiple stress-induced immune deficiency ailments in his childhood. His parents continued to verbally abuse him and treat him badly even as he grew into an independent adult, in a long term marriage, two wonderful children (their grandchildren, of course), they still kept up the tactics, belittling him, making him feel bad about himself. The last communication between him and his father was four years ago. His father wrote in an email that he is an awful son and unless he can do better, he should not contact them. And he hasn’t. Because he kept his secret life secret for so many years, there was no way I could have known he was a sex addict. Perhaps even if I had known what he was doing I’m not sure I could have put two and two together. But all I knew was that 9 years before discovery he put in a Craig’s List Ad and met one woman for coffee. He saw my devastation over that and kept everything else hidden. It wasn’t until it was all revealed over a very short period of time (and the fact that there are addicts in my family) that I realized what was going on. He even said on that fateful day four years ago… I almost feel like I am addicted to secret sex, like I need it to survive. He had also said he knew that if I found out about his secret life that I would never be able to love him. I had heard all those words before, from my sister. It struck me like a ton of bricks. Then he was officially diagnosed and has been in recovery ever since. He really really didn’t want to hide his destructive secret life anymore–I believe that, but he does still have coping issues and I know some days he longs for his addiction, but he hasn’t gone back to it. I believe that he has remained sober and I know he goes to meetings and fellowship and therapy and he is working on his coping skills. I cannot imagine living with a diagnosed but non-recovering sex addict, or any kind of addict. It’s heartbreaking and soul crushing. My thoughts are with you.
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My wife’s father was abusive, which resulted in her mother cheating on her father, breaking up their marriage when my wife was 13. I do have to wonder if her mother was an SA but I think her cheating was just cheating due to a bad marriage (but that leaves the usual question – why not leave first?). Destroyed her self-esteem and I knew that was a problem for her all through our marriage, long before I knew about her SA. Addiction in general runs in her family, so I think that helped put her on her path to SA. I’ve dealt with abuse too – my mother is emotionally/verbally abusive and my parents favor my brother heavily. I cut off contact for several years with my mother until recently. Sometimes it is just the only way to maintain your own mental health. My self-esteem was damaged until my late 20’s when I found my own self-worth through my own efforts to fix myself. Different genes – almost no addiction in my family, and a different outcome. I think I could have easily ended up as an addict. An interesting contrast.
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