Days like this

Disclaimer: I took two dance classes and a stretching class this past Saturday, then took two very long walks, and now my right knee is absolutely screaming at me. Exercise is critical to my continued health goals. Damn I HATE being injured and grounded. It pisses me off. So here goes…

I’m not sure if anyone ever watches the Youtube videos I link here. I know it’s annoying having to sit through short ads and whatnot. I posted this one because I think it is a beautiful video. My boys cringe when I play Top 40/Pop songs, but I have always listened to Top 40, and I love a lot of the music. I have taken to doing my Zumba moves whenever a song plays that I know from Zumba class. I don’t care… I love to dance, even knowing I am not good at it. Anyway, I think this ridiculously overplayed song by Ed Sheeran is beautiful and with the addition of Andrea Bocelli, well, it fills that empty void I sometimes get, the one left behind by my husband’s betrayal. Sometimes I long for that time when I believed that Blue Eyes thought I looked perfect in a certain dress, or on a certain night, but mostly I just love to close my eyes and listen.

Sometimes I do have days where the emptiness sits in a pit in my stomach and the melancholy threatens to absorb me and no amount of music can fix what is broken. I try not to go away anymore. I try really hard to stay with it, to live in my reality no matter how painful. We are well into year five and the pain is deadened for sure, but it’s still there, deep inside. It’s not going to ever go completely away. My world goes on. I have a happy and fulfilling life, but the truth is there is nothing my husband can do to take away all he did that hurt me. I’m not feeling sorry for myself, just stating the truth. I know this is a truth a lot of people live with. I know I’m not special in this regard.

I do go full days without thinking about betrayal. I go weeks without thinking about the other women who slithered their way into my life by way of my lying husband. I go months without thinking how long it has been since my story was torn from me with a single phone call. And I go very long periods of time now without shedding a tear. But that does not mean that there isn’t a hole.

We’ve been quite busy. I returned from North Carolina mid May. Upon my return, there was that whirlwind week of Mother’s Day, my Birthday, a trip to California, lots of birthday meals strewn in, decadence, lots of decadence, Blue Eyes made sure my birthday week was very special.

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I received an Instant Pot (from my parents) and a cast iron tortilla press (from my son) for my birthday (along with P!NK tickets from Blue Eyes). My first meal with the new appliances was Mole Chicken tacos on fresh homemade corn tortillas.

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10th Row on the floor at the P!NK concert. I had so much fun!

Then the following week we jetted off to New York City. I booked us into a gorgeous 49th floor condo building in the heart of mid-town on Fifth Avenue.

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Lower Manhattan view from one corner of the condo and yeah, our next door neighbor was the Empire State Building!

Amazing, and add to that meal after meal of delicious food, because, you know, NYC!!!

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My favorite lemon ricotta pancakes with braised blueberries and whipped cream from Saraghina in Brooklyn. Hey, I lost two pounds in NYC, so that tells you how much I exercise these days.

 

And family! We were together in the city to share a very big day with our older son. We are so proud of both our boys, but that older kid, man he just keeps blowing us away with the way he handles the world he has built around himself. He was in charge of an event, one of four people, he being the youngest, the only American and literally hundreds of people showed up to share that day with him. Because he was the only local, the vast majority of visitors on opening night were there just for him. And it was a beautiful night with people literally spilling out into the streets of Chelsea. We stood back and watched him, seemingly with little effort, handling the opening night crowd with grace and a kind of confidence and ease that can’t be bought, or taught. Truthfully, both Blue Eyes and I are fairly confident in front of people, but The Pragmatist makes us look like amateurs. It’s a gift he came to us with.

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Chelsea at dusk on a beautiful May evening from The Highline near the opening night venue.

We returned from NY and I poured myself into finding our company new office space. Not sure if I had mentioned earlier that on the tail of one of our main employees up and quitting (and stealing a bunch of stuff), the management company/high rise office tower we have been leasing space from for a dozen years decided they wanted a full floor tenant and that means they need our space for that tenant. So much for loyalty these days. At first I thought it was going to be a fight, and we enlisted the help of our attorneys and then I went scouring the town for viable alternative ready-to-move-into spaces, but it seems we will be able to do a deal with the current management company. I’m actually pretty excited about one of the spaces they showed us, but I did spend a lot of time in meetings and days touring office space for lease and buildings for purchase before reconciling the matter. We are still in negotiations, but I feel confident.

Yesterday was our day to drive out to the farm and pick up our CSA (Community Supported Agriculture) vegetables. This year we have started a new tradition of visiting a nearby Mexican restaurant for street tacos before picking up our veggies. It’s a dive of a place, but the tacos are SO delicious, with fresh meats and veg, and homemade tortillas. Can you tell I’m a bit in love with Mexican food. 🙂

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As I sat there waiting for our tacos, a young Mexican girl ran by, dark mane flowing with a bright ribbon in her hair. She was speaking Spanish to her mother, a thirty something woman, both of them clearly still in their Sunday church attire. There was something about that little girl and her mother that took me back.

I NEVER know when it’s going to hit me. In a split second I was back in Santa Clara, California. It was Summer 1999 and my boys and I had just been to the amusement park. We were tired and happy carrying our souvenirs and trudging our way up the stairs of Blue Eyes’ apartment that he rented while he worked away from home. He worked as a consultant in Silicon Valley five days a week. We lived in Oregon. During the summer we sometimes traveled to visit him and stayed with him in his apartment. As we made our way up the stairs that early summer afternoon, a 30-something Hispanic woman and her two girls (similar ages to my boys) were coming down the stairs from Blue Eyes’ apartment. The woman didn’t look familiar and she refused to make eye contact with me. I asked Blue Eyes about it later and he said it was “Ashley” the woman who did some clerical work for him (but I never received an invoice), plus cleaned his apartment, and so he let her bring her daughters to use the pool, BUT she wasn’t supposed to be there when I was there with the boys. Blue Eyes seemed pretty upset we had crossed paths. At the time, although I thought it was strange that she didn’t say hi or anything–again she knew who I was, I did not know who she was–or WHAT she was to my husband, I wasn’t all that concerned. I never in a million years thought my husband was a lying cheater.

I’m not sure why that girl yesterday reminded me of one of Ashley’s daughter’s (“Ashley” is a freakin’ Grandma at least 2x over at this point), maybe it was the ribbon in her long hair, but she did and I felt like I had been punched in the gut. Blue Eyes noticed the change in my mood, but had no idea what was going on. I told him how I was feeling. There is nothing for him to do in these situations except remind me how sorry he is for all he has done. And he did that, but it doesn’t help. Nothing really helps. It’s just an emptiness now brought on by the knowledge that something was stolen from me that I can never get back. He can never make it right. No one can. It doesn’t feel good.

Later that evening we talked a bit more about “Ashley” and about that time period. She was Blue Eyes’ first extramarital relationship, 10 years into our marriage, 15 years into our relationship. As it turns out, Blue Eyes’ memory is a lot clearer now than it was four years ago. He remembers vividly now what happened. He invited her to his hotel room in Silicon Valley (before he had the apartment) where they first had sex, one time, then she left. They never had sex in the Santa Clara apartment, but she did clean it and she did use the pool on occasion with her daughters. The second time they were “together,” she flew into a different California city where he now had a different apartment. He made her salmon dinner as he wasn’t comfortable taking her out in public and he felt he owed her a meal, and he loves salmon. Again she orchestrated how sex would happen. She started by giving him a blow job, but during the process he called out my name (he has always said this happened). She became upset, stopped everything. He never “came.” She cried and slept in the living room on the sofa. She did take a shower before he took her to the airport the next morning (thus the long bleached blond hair in the shower that I later found). Knowing more details doesn’t help with any of it anymore. It just makes me wonder why he couldn’t come up with the truth, or the full story, four years ago. I think he made the whole thing (in his own mind) into something much more than it actually was, part of that fantasy he had to keep going–to feed his addiction. I never feel like I have the full story and it doesn’t really matter much anymore. I know he has the capacity to lie over and over. That is what I know to be the truth. It is definitely totally a reflection on him and not on me. Maybe some day he will realize that telling the truth is the only honest and healthy way to live. And then again, maybe he won’t. Ashley did call Blue Eyes years later to ask him what they had had together, and he told her nothing. Ashley was married at the time as well. Again, it makes me wonder about some women, or this particular woman. She flirted, she seduced, she allowed herself (a married woman) to be seduced by a married man and they had full fledged sex exactly ONE TIME. Who thinks that is a relationship? Then of course she blackmailed him into hiring her incompetent playboy of a brother. The whole thing is just sick.

I am grateful that I am able to go very long periods of time now without any trauma induced feelings, or harmful behavior, or depressed days, but there is still that little empty spot inside me. It’s smaller than it used to be, but I know it will never disappear completely.

Baby, I’m dancing in the dark, with you between my arms
Barefoot on the grass, listening to our favorite song
I have faith in what I see
Now I know I have met an angel in person
And she looks perfect
I don’t deserve this
You look perfect tonight

I hope Blue Eyes realizes I am a fucking angel to have put up with him through all of this. Obviously it’s been one of those days. I NEVER thought there would come a day in my life where not being able to exercise would PISS ME OFF. Who am I?

34 thoughts on “Days like this

  1. What an achievement for your oldest son! So very proud of your health goals and hope that knee heals quickly. I’m about to start a natural supplement with turmeric, Curamin. You may want to look at it to see if it’s something you could try. One day, we will hike together!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Ooh, I missed this comment, A. Yeah, we’re totally blown away by that kid. He leaves for India on Wednesday, for two months, then home for a bit, then Madrid!

      My knee is better. It seems I stressed one of the quad muscles around my knee and my knee was popping like crazy trying to find the right balance. I also have arthritis and a torn meniscus in this knee, but this wasn’t that. It’s okay now. No PT, yay! I did two dance classes today and am all good. Ironically I think I injured the muscle in a stretching class!!! I’ll check into the Curamin.

      I’ll probably be back in NC in the Fall. Maybe we can hike then! 😘

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Pingback: Anger. And tears. | Tearing at the Fabric

  3. This is a fantastic post. I don’t have much to add to the truly insightful posts, but I have a thought to share. Recently I learned that the reason most school shooters are men is because men in our culture lack empathy. Apparently empathy is an advanced social-emotional skill that not only affects how you treat people, but how you cope with stress in your own life. I thought about how often I’ve heard partners say how they can’t understand how their life partner, best friend, lover, confidant, soul mate,etc. could do this? How could they betray, and then lie and lie? I guess I even wonder, (although I don’t care) about how they lie to, groom and seduce the other women, or pay drug addicted whores and then walk away not giving a damn. And yet, these men show up in our lives as caring, sensitive, loving partners. I suppose the treatment programs and 12 step programs teach empathy,including having empathy for yourself. Maybe that’s how they work.

    Liked by 1 person

    • And digging even further, Maggie, I think the reason many men lack empathy is because it is trained out of them as small children. Either they are neglected, or put in the man box, or whatever. They learn early on how to survive, not thrive. I’m not sure we can teach empathy, but I do think once they have worked on all that baggage, empathy is easier to embrace. When BE talks about being kind to himself or loving himself, it still irks me a bit because I feel like all he was doing was focusing on himself and his own needs. Not my fault that those needs were so messed up, but then again, this isn’t about me. *sigh* I do want him to love himself, but that is certainly not mutually exclusive to being kind to others. ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Thank you for sharing. I am nearing 4 years. I have yet to go a day where his affair hasn’t crept into my thoughts. I haven’t cried in a long time and I don’t get stuck in the rabbit hole of darkness anymore. But, definitely get sad. Like a piece of me is missing. I enjoy life. My kids. My job. My friends. And at times our relationship is good. But the sadness – or hole – is always there. And the triggers just hit. My biggest struggle is wondering if I’ve been told the whole story. Like you said, he has the capacity to lie over and over again. While the details would hurt if I learned more of the story – the bigger hurt and issue is the continued betrayal and lies. I guess that’s my biggest fear. That I stayed, put all this work into rebuilding a better relationship and I find out he’s still a big fat liar. There have been many positive changes in our relationship and communication. It just seems like for as much progress as we make (and I make as an individual) that this will never go away. Which then gets me wondering if this is the right relationship for me.
    I’m so happy for you and where you are now. Like you said, no matter what he does you know you will be fine. I appreciate you sharing your pain and story. It definitely helps others. I’m pretty sure Blue Eyes knows you are a rock star. And even if he’s a total moron and doesn’t – it definitely does not mean you aren’t one! 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thanks HtoH. I have learned with my husband that because I don’t lie, have never lied big (versus small white lies) and I value the truth, we definitely look differently at lying. He has always lied. Was trained to lie. Learned to lie and was rewarded (by not being punished) since he was little. Lying in order to keep his secret life going was crucial to his survival, in his mind. If I lied big, not only would it be a huge departure from my personality, from who I KNOW I am, but it would be about the other person, not necessarily about protecting myself. It’s why I don’t do it. I don’t want to hurt other people. In regards to BE, however, he lies to protect himself, not to hurt other people. This is literally imbedded in his personality so his instinct is actually to lie. This has taken me a long time to understand. It makes me feel very bad when he lies to me and I cannot reconcile my life with his continued lies, so he is working on it. But the truth is, he doesn’t lie to me to hurt me or with the intent of betraying me… he lies because it is his instinct for survival. Of course this is bad wiring and he is trying to change, but I have had to accept that we are just THAT different. What they have done will never go away, and I do believe I will always have a hole, but I am consciously making the decision to stay now, with a certain level of truth in front of me. I take responsibility for that and it helps me realize I am actually in control of my life and him, his. I do feel I am living a more genuine life now, but it is definitely not easier.

      BE is no moron. He knows I AM a rock star! 🙂 Thanks for your lovely comment. Big hugs!!! (((<3)))

      Liked by 2 people

  5. Oh Kat, this post is spot on in so many ways. My three year D-day is mid June and your exact thoughts have been racing in my head and heart. You often read that someone said it takes 3-5 years to get over infidelity but the truth is that there is always going to be that black bottomless hole in my heart, carved out by my husband’s selfish, thoughtless and narcissistic ways. His porn addiction led him to buy sex when he was out of town including on our anniversary vacations when he was supposed to be out walking when I was at an exercise class. Please do not think your husband would have been exempt from the gateway drug of porn to prostitutes. It seems like a logical path now that I know so much about how porn affects men’s brains. My hatred for him is so deep at times and my compassion for his life is also deep and warm at times but overall, even though I enjoy my kids and grandkids and other things, that deep painful hole is not supposed to be there. I’m just not sure how I will manage to live the rest of my life with this deep well of pain but it will unfold in front of me. After 40 years of marriage and now knowing his lifetime of lies, cheating, lies by omission, etc, it is as if I live on a plane of flatness. I can do whatever I want to do and I enjoy most things but knowing that I have chosen to remain with a man who can become disregulated by life and go buy a whore for an hour nauseates me. He swears he will never go back to porn or whores or other women again and I know that he is probably telling the truth in the moment. It is also true that he has not been tested by life since disclosure so he really has no idea how he will react. I’ve actually thought about setting him up to see how he would handle himself but have not had the courage to do it, yet. I take it one day at a time. I won’t celebrate my marriage to someone who has spent most of the past 40 years lying to me and living a completely disgusting life. When he tells me he loves me, which he does many times a day, I sometimes want to knee him in the balls and say, “thank you”. How does that feel? I loved the video, thank you for sharing. We deserved so much better than this.

    Liked by 3 people

    • We deserve SO MUCH BETTER!!! That undying love of our life partner should be what smoothly guides us into our final years of life, but they soiled that reality so thoroughly it will never be clean again. I know there is no difference in how they decided to exhibit their addiction and feed the beast, I just simply hate the fact that there are women who thought for one second (or still think) that the man I vowed my life to, and vowed his to me, belonged to them? NO! Of course he cared nothing for them, but they’re still out there. For me it will never be about the dirty disgusting sex, it will be about the delusion and simply the lies, so many lies. My husband has been tested in the past 4 1/2 years and although he has not acted out sexually, he has become extremely ungrounded. I’m not sure the 3-5 year thing holds up. Maybe it takes approximately that much time, generally speaking, for us to come to terms with what transpired in our lives and to realize we are going to be fine… just fine, not fabulous, but good. Regarding the addict, however, there is no expiry date on recovery. They will always be an addict and will always need to check and recheck themselves. When I hear of sex addicts who have “completely changed” either in their words or the words of their spouse, I’m leery. Addiction is a life battle. They always loved us and didn’t want to hurt us, but they did. The tendency will always be there to rationalize and compromise themselves for their addiction. We are fallout. I realize now that I will never be devastated in the same way again, regardless of what he does, and that brings me great piece of mind and peace of mind!!! We can never get back what they stole, but we can continue to be the amazing women we always were! Much love! ❤️❤️❤️

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  6. I just wanna copt and paste ALL THE THINGS here! The post is incredible. The comments also. THIS. This is what no one gets. The irrevocable damage to the special. I thought I knew something about what cheating does to the betrayed. Nyuh-uh. Nope. Not even! It does something to you that no amount of self talk, building yourself back up, confidence, etc, can fully reverse. Ugh.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yeah, we don’t wish this pain on anyone and yet we know people cannot possibly understand without living it. Ours was not a partnership that had failed. We weren’t broken as a couple. He didn’t cheat to orchestrate a new life with someone else. That’s what people assume, but it’s not true. This is trauma, pure and simple. Our truth, our story was stolen from us by people being totally careless with our fragile yet enduring emotions, and our love was taken for granted. It is all about them, their destruction, but a lot of the shrapnel hit us and has left permanent scars. We’re healing but there will always be pieces of us missing. Every once in a while there is that little tiny voice inside that tells me to run, far away, where no one knows my story. 😘

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      • “Ours was not a partnership that had failed. We weren’t broken as a couple.” No. He was a very broken man and he made all the bad choices. Why do I still struggle with this? Is it because I never saw him as a broken man because he always seemed so put together? I’m working through all this in my head but as much as I try, there are still so many times when I weep because of the pain. (coming up on 3 years soon) I’ve never been blindsided like this before. “Our truth, our story was stolen from us by people being totally careless with our fragile yet enduring emotions, and our love was taken for granted. It is all about them, their destruction, but a lot of the shrapnel hit us and has left permanent scars. We’re healing but there will always be pieces of us missing. Every once in a while there is that little tiny voice inside that tells me to run, far away, where no one knows my story.” Dang woman, you are reading my mind. I so often wish I could just pull back that purple curtain and enter into another life where nobody knows me and I can start anew but also, that is my fantasy. So thankful for your blog.

        Liked by 1 person

        • I’m so glad I have this blog. It’s one of my healing places for sure. I’m so glad others can feel a tiny bit less alone too. We all have unique healing paths and also our own wounds that sometimes hinder the healing process. I know from therapy that I was expecting my husband to be that one unwavering pillar of strength in my life, and he was never strong enough for that position. Potentially no one should have that much responsibility in our lives, but certainly my husband wasn’t equipped. Thus all the lies to cover up his own destructive choices. The expectations on him were high, all the way around. He had to lie to keep everyone “happy” because he wasn’t willing to give up his drug. He realizes now how truly destructive his behavior was. I cannot go back and erase what he has done, but I can forgive and move forward. He has his own path and he has awareness and knowledge now that he frankly did not possess before. Year five is much better than year three! ❤️

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  7. I’m sure you did look perfect in every dress on oh so many nights regardless of if B.E believed it or not but actually I’m sure he did though.

    Kat this post made me cry because I feel that pain and that missing part of myself too. I’m just learning that it’s okay to not be okay and while I can’t let it take me over I need to let the feelings in because that’s actually the only way to deal with them. I’m finding when I focus on the feelings they change a bit. What was a monster becomes a mouse. It’s a very long road isn’t it? But it helps to know there are people out there who understand.

    I know in my heart that I’m a beautiful, kind, caring, strong, fun and yes sometimes bat shit crazy lady and I can take care of me. It doesn’t stop it all hurting and the negativity sneaking it’s way in though.

    Keep living it up girl and enjoying the good things in your life and I’m gonna do the same.

    Loads of love ❤️❤️ Xxx

    Liked by 2 people

    • It is a very long and trying road and yeah there are a lot of us living the nightmare. We’re not alone! I had a doc appointment last week and she said how happy it made her to see me doing well, after “everything“ (her words). I told her I now realize that no matter what my husband does, I will be fine. My happiness doesn’t rely on him or his sobriety. Being away from him for 10 weeks solidified what I already knew… I’m a pretty cool person to be around, by myself or with other people, I’m a happy person deep down in there. Enjoy life!!! We deserve it! ❤️

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  8. I agree. The acting out was never about us, but it was nonetheless done to us and at our expense. And yes, it fucking sucks so very, very much, especially when you know that you could never ever have done the same things or harmed your partner in the same way.

    It sounds to me like you have an excellent excuse to create some wonderful memories in Madrid this Fall! 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  9. There is so much packed into this post, but the sentence I kept going back to is: “Sometimes I long for that time when I believed that Blue Eyes thought I looked perfect in a certain dress, or on a certain night… .” It speaks to so many things, like self-esteem (“I believed”) because we now doubt those compliments. We question whether, behind the compliment, there were/are thoughts of others. It speaks to the lingering damage to what once seemed to be a simple, pure exchange between husband and wife. It’s those very simple things that I’m finding I mourn the most.

    I’m really glad to read about your birthday week and your travel adventures. Your pride in the Pragmatist is evident and it sounds as if he is fully launched and making the most of life. I’m glad that you and BE could enjoy that experience in NY together.
    ❤️

    Liked by 2 people

    • I can say that after this much time, I know BE does find me beautiful and always has. It is very much as you say a hit to my self esteem that he would have sexual relations with other women. I know I am a great wife, a sensitive and adventurous lover, an awesome companion and his biggest champion. The whole thing is frankly so unfair I find it difficult to reconcile if I even try. After this much time has passed, I know he cared not one little bit about the women, or their bodies, or their minds… he only wanted the hits and he got them. They had the parts and they were willing. It had nothing to do with me, but that doesn’t negate the fact that he was willing to feed his addiction at my expense, whether he looked at it that way or not. It fucking sucks!

      Honestly, the vast majority of our time together now is good. We are both generally more engaged in our relationship and more aware of each other’s needs. It helps that our children are grown and we can focus on each other. We had a blast in NYC. And yeah, The Pragmatist… he’s a pretty cool guy. We always felt like he belonged to the world and we were just taking care of him for a few years. He’s soon off to travel India for the summer with his girlfriend, and then to Madrid in the fall to manage an art gallery. Ah, the life! Our children travel more than we do!!! xo

      Liked by 2 people

  10. Oh Kat! I too am now just into year 5 of trying to heal from the knowledge that the man I adored cheated on me for 8½ years and continued lying about things for at least another year and a half to protect himself from my pain.

    It still really hurts and not a day goes by that I don’t think about it and feel sad. I know I will never again be that happy and content woman I was in the early years of our relationship. Confident in the surety of our mutual love for each other. He stole that from me with his lies and betrayal and all the “Sorry”s and remorse in the world can never restore that feeling. I believe he is living the most genuine, authentic time of his life now, but sometimes it is still not enough. I need more.

    I am so familiar with that pit in your stomach feeling you describe. It has been my constant companion since I discovered his lies. I can also still get triggered out of the blue. I hate that!

    Apart from that, your birthday week and New York trip looked amazing. NY is one of my bucket list places.

    Liked by 2 people

      • It is so beautiful. I love the look on Ed Sheeran’s face when Andrea is singing his song. He had a vision in his mind of how that session would go, and Mr. Bocelli knocked it out of the park, as he always does. I smile when I watch the video even if sometimes the words of that song make me a little sad. ❤

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    • They have most definitely stolen from us… stolen a certain innocence and caused a lot of unhappiness. Part of it is our expectations of what our life was to be, and also an obliteration of the reality of what we thought our life was. It is so very sad that someone who holds such a beautiful and delicate gift in their hands is willing to trample and abuse it for so little. I have a VERY LOT of good in my life and I do appreciate it and embrace it, but it is impossible to fill that empty void where trust and innocent love used to reside. 😦 I know my husband is able to rationalize and compartmentalize even to to this day because of his childhood wounds/abuse and addiction, but for me, on some days, none of that matters. He made choices that have forever changed who I was. It cannot be undone.

      You MUST go to NY. It is so much fun!!! ❤

      Liked by 2 people

  11. Sending love. I’m glad you shared this. You have come so, so far. But there is always going to be a hole, s darkness. You are so right. That was why I connected so strongly with ACT. You accept you will never be able to alter the past, but can commit to building a loving and fulfilling future.

    It is odd that BE is able to recall better now. But it seems so common. Maybe they just stop trying to minimise and reimagine? I’m glad you talked to him.

    Huge hug, my friend x

    Liked by 2 people

    • Yes, I think you are right. I guess I should be glad he remembers more now. I think it is mostly because the secrets hold far less meaning to him today than they did four years ago and he knows I’m not going to run out the door if he starts talking about his bad acts. The thing is… he led me to believe that there was a lot more sex than there was in most circumstances. I think he believed it at the time because his brain was wired to receive hits and he received a lot of hits, but not necessarily from actual sex acts, mostly from thinking about them, or thinking about the secret, or about the potential, or whatever. I think the actual sex that went on just wasn’t that good, but it fulfilled the addictive need. He was willing to let a lot of things go (like kindness, nurturing, intimacy, sometimes orgasms… ) to feed the addiction. I wish he had kept it at porn and masturbation. I don’t feel the same level of betrayal from those acts. Yes he still would have been keeping a bunch of secrets and he would still be an addict, but I wouldn’t feel so deeply and strongly that he gave away something that belonged to me, to women who flat out didn’t deserve it and shouldn’t be in my life or in my mind. I know porn addiction is incredibly difficult to recover from because porn is so prevalent in our society and so easy to acquire, so fast, so secret and no one to divulge the secret, but for me (selfishly) it is less intrusive to my mind.

      Thanks for the hug. Much appreciated! xo

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