These days… I book expensive travel. Simple as that. I used to book travel so that our little family could spend time together. Blue Eyes often was either working away from home or traveled a lot for business when our children were little. For quite a while he was away from home 20-23 days of the month. Sometimes in order to see him for a whole week at a time, I had to book us a vacation and block his calendar. Strangely enough he always made it on the vacations.
When the boys were in preschool, and I had my own bookkeeping business, it was my responsibility to get our kids pretty much everywhere. Eventually I gave up my little business. I wanted our boys to have a different childhood than I had. I grew up with two working parents (four actually, if you want to get technical about it) and a very modest lifestyle. There were no funds for music lessons or summer camps or fancy anything, certainly not luxurious vacations or international travel. I wanted my kids to be well rounded. To play sports and instruments and have all the art supplies they could imagine. I didn’t mind lugging them around town from baseball game to violin lesson to soccer camp to art studio to piano recitals. As long as they wanted to do these things, and enjoyed them, I didn’t mind being their chauffeur. They were very young when they took their first international flight. Nearly every trip Blue Eyes and I went on together, whether domestic or to foreign lands, included our kids, but I rarely ever traveled with him for business. Blue Eyes obviously still managed a lot of business travel and acting out, but we, me and the kids, were oblivious, and happy.
My kids are well rounded. They are world travelers, they speak more than one language, they know they are part (and responsible to) a much bigger world than the country we live in. The Pragmatist spent the summer in India and is off next month to work in Madrid. He and his brother will head off next week on a road trip, to shoot a documentary film together. I feel like I accomplished what I set out to do. I wasn’t technically a single parent, but I knew it was my responsibility to help them to know they were important. They weren’t an afterthought or to be taken for granted. They were little people that I had the responsibility of raising until they were ready to take on the world by themselves. We do have one that is taking a little longer to fly the nest, but he’ll get there.
When Blue Eyes was around, and present, he was pretty great. He does love his kids, he just didn’t have a good role model in terms of what a kid needs to be healthy. He was not healthy. He didn’t really know what good parenting looks like. Funny thing, my parents had their struggles (who doesn’t), but I grew up with enough forethought to know what I did and did not want to replicate of my parents and their parenting. I was not abused. I tried pretty damn hard to convert Blue Eyes to my way of thinking, but the damage his parents perpetrated on him runs deep. I filled in ALL the gaps.
I will say that I built up some debt over the years our children were growing up. We had a second mortgage and some hefty credit cards. Some of the debt could be tied back to the business. Starting a business from scratch, with no investors, can be an expensive proposition. By the time Blue Eyes procured investors, he didn’t want to roll up what he called our “personal” debt into the business. It frustrated me, but it was difficult at that point to separate the two, so we plugged along, paycheck to paycheck and then the business was profitable, and we were able to pay off a lot of the debt. Our ‘tight budget/end the month in the red’ days are behind us, and so is my belief that my husband, although quirky and distracted, was faithful and devoted to only me. C’est la Vie. I am rolling with the punches.
So, when he decided to ditch me for work colleagues and his self imposed mindfulness retreat at our beach house this past week, I got busy on the internet. First, Hawaii in December. Booked. Check.
Oahu, Hawaii
A shot of our hotel at Ko Olina, from last year
Our favorite Oahu Beach, Lanikai
Second, thirty year wedding anniversary next summer, Tahiti. Partially booked. Check. We do Hawaii every year, but I have had Tahiti on my wish list since I worked for a commercial photographer during college. That’s like… almost 35 years ago. My boss did the photography for high end car brochures and luxury cruise line catalogs. It was my job to sleeve all the negatives (this was old school, the 80’s) and I drooled over those photos of Tahiti. I have been eyeing a Paul Gauguin Tahiti Cruise for as long as I can remember…. and a bungalow over the water on Bora Bora. It’s happening guys.
Bora Bora
Over water bungalows, Four Seasons, Bora Bora. See ya next summer, Tahiti!
Oh, and something I haven’t really mentioned here on the blog… I had plastic surgery. What a funny term, plastic surgery. There is nothing plastic about it. I had a tummy tuck with liposuction. After my recent weight loss, I was left with some sagging, stretch mark riddled skin on the old belly. It’s gone. Now I can’t wait for the swelling to go down. Liposuction is not for the faint of heart, the dripping and draining, and hard bits that never seem to go away. I’m pretty excited to try on swimsuits in a couple months though.
I’m beginning to wonder who I am… 2018 has been quite a year, first the tattoo, then the tummy tuck, and now I have started adding blond highlights to my hair with balayage treatment. Pretty sure people won’t be able to recognize me soon.
All part of a master plan? Ha, no. Just ready for some changes and nothing is holding me back. Oh, and I’m not pissed off anymore. 🙂
try not to cry on my rainbow 
You are gradually reinventing yourself! LOL I loved your tattoo post when I read it.
So would love to do the Gauguin trip. Jealous much? Damn right! I think that would definitely help with the pissed-offness.
Have fun on both/all your trips. X
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I love traveling and am so happy that it is not triggering anymore. I remember back to how frightened and traumatized I was when the OW showed up on a plane with us and stalked me at the airport. It seems like lifetimes ago. I’m loving reinventing myself and still adore my tattoo. I’m planning the next one. A magnolia flower on the outside of my upper right arm. At least that’s the plan today. 😁 Also just scheduled more highlights for my hair next month. So fun! Keep pushing through. Life is too precious to let others steal our glitter (as Paula used to say). I haven’t seen her mention her glitter lately. I must remind her! xo
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Yes. Paula really needs some glitter in her life right now!
I have three small tatts and would like more. Probably something to do with my grandkids. X
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Your grandkids have encouraged you to get tattoos, how wonderful. What tattoos do you have? I am always interested in how people choose their tattoos. xo
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Sorry. I didn’t word that well. I meant I might get more tattoos inspired by having my grandkids. They are a bit young yet to tell me what to get. LOL
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Ha ha. I wasn’t really thinking age, I guess. Just so focused on tattoos, LOL. So you have one for each grand baby! Sweet!!! ❤️
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Great plans and I love the last comment about “if I’m not with my husband”…… We spent many years on Oahu for our anniversary only to find out the my husband found special Asian whores on the last two trips so now I can’t even think about going there again with him. I mean, seriously, the last brothel he visited was across the street from the Hilton where we stay. WTF?
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Oh ouch. I have wives tell me often that OW are not more difficult to stomach than prostitutes, “massages,” etc… because it is so much about the lying and betrayal, and choosing awful behavior over time with us, and you prove the point right there, Marie. It’s all heartbreaking and frustrating. I would definitely find a different place to vacation because even though we know these women meant nothing (whore or affair partners or whatever), it’s like a punch in the gut to us. I had a terrible time with Japan, especially being at a hotel with a view of two hotels he had taken the other woman to, but with each trip, and time, it is a lot easier now. Maui is nice, or the Caribbean. ❤️
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I hear ya. How in the heck did you deal with the Japan trip and would you go back again? The challenge I have with my guy is that anonymous sex with strangers is available everywhere. I know the little whores don’t care about anything but the money but I feel so disgusted that he would do that. No emotion, no attachment, nothing but narcissistic entitlement. My disgust has not waned even in the face of all I know about compulsive sex. Even after three years of “sobriety”, whatever the hell that means when you like to rent a whore by the hour it gives me little emotional confidence that given the right set of circumstances he would do it again. He says never again. I say let me know when you turn down that opportunity or when you meet the devil and walk the other way. Ugh. There is no trust anymore regardless of what he say. It took a lot of planning to locate, initiate and follow through with his little extra-curricular visits to his Asian whores, not to mention the secrecy, deception and decades of lies. I just wish we did not have four decades behind us plus adult kids and many grand kids to think about. Actually, he never thought about us/them at all. I was a devoted wife/mom like you Kat. It never mattered at all what I did because it was his screwed up life and moral/emotional deficits all the time and I was collateral damage. The last time I had a meltdown he said, “I’m sorry I ruined you life.” I just said, “You did not ruin my life. Nobody is going to ruin my life. You ruined your own life.” Now he has to deal with it. I hate that I’m almost 70 and have to live with this shit. Honestly, I hate it.
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Marie, I am so sorry. We can only each deal with our own circumstances, but I often wonder how things would be different if we had been older or younger at discovery/diagnosis. Younger… would our marriage have survived? Would I have felt the same about him, would I have had to stuff my feelings in order to be a good Mom. Older, would I be bitter and feel like he had ruined my life? I think I would have reacted/behaved much the same as I have, but I just don’t know. My personality allowed me to eventually devalue the sex, separate sex from intimacy, especially the kind of sex a sex addict has. It helped A LOT. It was a drug. For me it was really about the lying. That level of lying is not conducive to marriage.
You have so much more life to live, so no, he hasn’t ruined your life. If we can get past the worst of the trauma, we are better able to choose happiness. I really wanted to be able to choose happiness. At first it was physically impossible. I think parts of my brain were protecting me from a literal broken heart. The dissociation was a gift in a way.
So, question. What would happen if he did it again? Went to a prostitute?Obviously he would be choosing the addiction, but many addicts relapse, regardless of the drug. Are you concerned about continued lying? I know that I had to throw out the window any assumptions I had about our marriage or about what my husband is capable of. I have thought about what I would do. I know he wouldn’t choose his addiction because he doesn’t love me. It would all be about his own weaknesses. Could I live with that? The fear of the unknown can be debilitating, so I don’t contemplate it anymore. If it happens, I will deal with it then. It’s the only way I can really enjoy my relationship with my husband.
Regarding Japan, we travel there quite often. My brother, sil, and niece live there plus we have business there. We have been there a few times now since dday. The first trip was horrifying. Second one was still traumatizing… the last trip, no problems at all. I’m so grateful for the healing.
Peace and love to you. ❤️
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In answer to your question of “what would I do if he did it again?” I’d start the divorce. I don’t really know if he is lying to me about anything because now I know he has no problem lying to my face. He lies easily and without thinking. He says all the right things and professes to love me unconditionally and all that same stuff that you read about SA and what they say but after nearly four decades of lying I would be a fool to actually think this will change. Oh I know it did change on a lot of things but I suspect if he felt himself being drawn into his fantasy world again he would revert to what he learned well as a child. Hide, lie, avoid, deflect, deny and defend at all costs. I told him if he slipped once, we were done. I love myself much more than I love my husband now. Sad but true. I had to get tested for HIV plus more thanks to him and his choices and then I developed another lesion on my vulva which led to me finding out that he lied early on about what happened between him and the secretary. He just looked me in the face, lied to me and then came back within a few minutes to tell me he lied. It was a revelation for sure that after all the hard work I thought we did to rebuild he would just slip back into the self-preservation of lying. When I confronted him about that, he accused me of trying to hurt myself with that knowledge. I said, “I have to go see another doctor because of you. The doc is going to ask me about my sex life and I have to tell her that you like whores.” You should have thought about this before you welcomed those blow jobs without condoms. I still have times when I wish he would just die.
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Marie, I too, am almost 70 and hate being the wife of a sex addict. My husband, too, used prostitutes and actually developed what he called “relationships “ with some of them. Seriously. It’s beyond me as to how an otherwise intelligent man fell for the bs whores sell. I think the patriarchy has set men up to fall for that bs. Being in 12 step groups and a therapy group has helped disabuse my husband that the whores really liked him. He’s heard all ages, shapes and sizes of men say that whores all said the same shit to them like “You’re my favorite John” etc. As you say, sex is for sale everywhere but I’m hoping the narrative is starting to change. Movies like “Pretty Woman” glamorize a very ugly business, as do euphemisms like “working girl.” Nope, it’s a whore. If I want to be polite I’ll say prostitute but I refuse to use cutesy names.
Yes, I too was collateral damage. I also wonder if my husband would be able to walk away from the temptation. I think if I had discovered this when younger I would have left but who knows? For today, I’ve chosen to stay. Thanks to you and Kat for your posts. 😘
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Maggie, thank you for your reply. It’s hard to find other women my age living with this situation. I’ve chosen to stay for all the wrong reasons although I’m working really hard to find joy and happiness in all that I do. I do not blog but if you have a blog I’d love to read it. I feel so lonely out here. I don’t know how to find people like you to talk to. I just don’t talk about it but it swirls in my head all the time.
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Marie, Thanks for your reply. I don’t think there are wrong reasons for staying, just reasons. This is such a difficult journey. Both partners must heal and then the relationship must be rebuilt. The innocence is gone. Not only must triggers of the past be navigated, but new situations must be addressed. I don’t have a blog but I post here and on Betrayed wife.net and Spouse of a Sex Addict.
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Maggie, wow. I just cannot get your statement out of my head since your wrote, “I don’t think there are wrong reasons for staying, just reasons.” On so many levels this resonates with me, makes me feel a whole lot better about my decision/choice to remain with my husband and offers me another, less negative way to look at myself as a very hurt individual doing the best I can in an unbelievably difficult situation. Is there somewhere I can read your “story”? I’m not very internet savvy.
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Marie, I actually heard that statement from Carol the Coach, who is a CSAT who does a podcast on SAs. She has worked with SAs for 30 years, and more recently has focused on partners. She validates any reasons for staying. It’s all so very individual. Sorry, I don’t have a blog but like I said, I post here, and on the two other blogs. I’m so glad we connected!
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I can connect you two by email off blog if you would like. It always helps to have friends who understand. ❤️
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Thanks, Kat. I am fine with you giving Marie my email., the one that Ibenaik you with. That’s very nice of you.
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I meant to say the one that I email you with. Not sure what I just typed.??? Fingers not working this AM. Lol
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Yes, please do connect us with the email I use also.
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Okay ladies, email sent. ❤
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Hi Marie,
I hear you and I walk in your shoes. I’m 63 and still married to a man who cheated on me for 26 out of 41. I feel like I stay for the wrong reasons as well. I appreciate Kat’s blog. It’s been very helpful, I just wish I could move forward and be happy. It’s been 5 years since DD, and I still can’t find a way to forgive and trust him. I too feel lonely.
Kat, it would be a beautiful thing if you could connect us women who still struggle. When this first happened, I could only find websites that wanted money to connect women like ourselves.
Rhonda
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Hmmm. Let me think about that. I know a number of followers are active on forums. I have never been on forums, but I have no problem connecting people. I am part of a Facebook Private Group of women identifying as wives of sex addicts. That could be an option. Maybe Maggie has other ideas?
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Hi Rhonda. I’m happy to have another email friend, so Kat, feel free share my email with Rhonda. Beyond that, I’m not sure. Maybe starting a private FB group? I, too, became aware of a forum that wanted $ to join. The fee was reasonable but I was more put off by the negative tone than the request for $. I believe we all have to make our own decisions about what is best for us at the time.
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Hi Rhonda,
I would be fine with Kat sharing my email with you also.
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I would like that as well.
Thanks
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All of it sounds perfect to me. And it’s great that you’re no longer pissed off! You gave me a boost just reading it. I’m smiling now. Carry on! 😘
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😁❤️
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Retail therapy is a beautiful thing. I prefer it to real therapy cause it makes me smile and I get toys LOL. Real therapy makes me sad and there aren’t even any feee gifts 🤷🏻♀️
A paul Gaugin Cruise? I can’t wait to hear more about this…
Well, a new wardrobe will surely be in order. New body, new location … something very resort chic with coordinating accessories (of course😜 this is going to be so exciting!!!!!!!!
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A new wardrobe will be in order as soon as this swelling goes down! I KNOW!!! I’m still swollen. 😣
I have wanted to do a Paul Gauguin cruise FOREVER. Dreams do come true!
And four more days. Eek. I should just stop eating now! 😜💖
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I am looking up that cruise ASAP. I’m not a cruise person but that one sounds very special.
You are going to look so fab in your luxury water tiki hut (or whatever those cute little water bungalows are called). I will be living vicariously, so I hope u post tons of pictures.
I can’t wait to see u!!!
♥️♥️♥️
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Oh you know I will post the pics! In the meantime, I’m scouring my messy closet for all the elasticized waists I can find! ☺️🤗😙
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Wooohooooo! Vicarious travel again, yay!
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We both have big trips next year! What fun! ❤️
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Oh, I have always wanted to go to Bora Bora, I don’t think we will ever be able to afford it but you never know, maybe one of these days. I’m so happy for you that you get to go there. I hope you share plenty of pics and your time there I would love to hear about it 🤩
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You never know, BB! I will share lots of pictures. I have almost a year to get super excited! As I told Paula, if my husband and I aren’t together, I’m sure I can find someone to go with me! 😉
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🤣🤣🤣
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