Full disclosure. I wrote this title and the first few sentences below, but I don’t remember doing it. I sat down to write a post today, and here was this. I was going to write about something different, but after reading blackacre’s Post + comments, here I am.
Blue Eyes is very aware of my blog, he’s a subscriber. Sometimes I actually think he is scared to read my posts because he thinks I’m going to divulge something crucial that he doesn’t know, like I’m leaving him, or something. Ridiculous. If I was going to leave he would know, and then I would. I would walk right out the door and head to the fanciest hotel in town, and write about it later. I would blog after I arrived to my suite and ordered a lavish room service dinner, maybe I’d draw a hot bath, lol! The next day I would start shopping for a lovely penthouse condo, with a fabulous view! 😜
I am really tired of the addict driven poor me attitude. I bend over backwards to support my husband but when I’m struggling he brings out the “you’re planning to leave me” garbage. I find this a destructive and cowardly tactic. Prior to discovery of his secret life, I gave and gave and gave and asked for very little in return. That was my big fat mistake. Things are different now. Now I basically ask for common decency, for him to take responsibility for his half of our relationship. Imagine that. Imagine his shock and consternation at having to take care of himself and think of someone else, AT THE SAME TIME! 🤯
I should be able to continue to voice my concerns without him shutting me down by changing the subject and getting all freaked out. He should want to openly voice his opinions and concerns without running and hiding. Isn’t that pretty critical for a successful relationship? I think it is.
Sure he wants it all to go away. I want it all to have never happened. Neither of us is going to get what we want under the circumstances. I’m starting to sound like a broken record for the number of times per month I suggest he get his own living space. I actually like my houses and he can go find a place where he doesn’t have to answer to anyone. Some days I can’t take the level of self absorption and deflection. Addiction is a selfish disease.
I very much feel like Blue Eyes is keeping score. But he seems to only account for the positive things he has done. His tally sheet only contains one column and it’s for him, his good deeds, things he should receive “treats” for. And if he doesn’t receive those treats (acknowledgment, thank you’s, sex, whatever) well in his mind then, he just can’t win, no matter what he does. Bring on the pouting, anger, ungroundedness, distance, silence, disdain, whatever the negative emotion flavor of the day.
In a healthy relationship there is no scorecard. This isn’t a game. And if our relationship was a game, a game about making good, selfless decisions, about keeping vows, being kind and loving, compassionate and forgiving, compromising while maintaining inner strength, well, I guess we know who wins that game. But again, not a game. This is real and my feelings can’t be tucked away in a box with some cards and dice, and a W in the column of my non-existent scorecard.