I woke up to nothing, part two

behind-my-smile-is-a-hurting-heart-behind-my-laugh-8533659The next message Blue Eyes sent early Tuesday morning went like this:

Been thinking of going to beach house Friday through Sunday or Monday morning are you up for it? What do you think?

Ironically, one of the only “conversations” we had had the night before involved me telling Blue Eyes that our son and I had discussed us, all of us, Blue Eyes of course, and our son, our two dogs AND the cat (as she can no longer stay home alone since her sister passed away last summer), all spending the weekend at the beach house. I was talking, but when I saw that Blue Eyes was on his phone, doing something, not listening to me, I just stopped talking and he never noticed. He must have heard some of what I was saying, way back in the recesses of his mind but obviously doesn’t remember where the idea came from as now he is claiming it as his own.

Is anyone else as frustrated as I am? This shit is so infuriating, but also heart breaking.

At 8:49 Tuesday morning, his next message came through:

in flight just wanted to let you know how difficult it is to be without you

As that point, I was on the road, heading to a 10am appointment. The drive was two hours long. My phone let him know that I was driving with Do Not Disturb activated.

He then sent this message:

I know I am radioactive but I think this is new age. It’s a revolution. I will get it right this time. (I think he must have been listening to music on the plane. These words sound suspiciously like song lyrics). I know it’s scary and it all seems too familiar. This time it’s all in. I won’t disappoint you. I need you in the rocket ship. All systems go. It does not work without my co-pilots. Systems are coming on line. It’s a new beginning.

I kid you not, word for word, that is what he wrote. What the actual fuck? I can summarize my feelings at this point in a few words… he never takes ownership, he never addresses the real problems, he deflects from any responsibility, he ignores my needs and my moods, he refuses to talk about things when we are face to face, then sends weird selfish (what he obviously thinks are cute) messages to make himself feel better. His life is supposedly more difficult without me? Why? There is no feeling there, just a statement about how his life is somehow less than because of the circumstances. And yeah, he’s gonna make it right “this time.” Why is this even a “time.” And if this is a “time” how many “times” have come before this one? Dozens, hundreds, thousands? A LOT, that’s how many, A LOT. To be clear, we’re no longer in the post infidelity trauma stages. I know everything I am ever gonna know about his sexual acting out shit. I know all about his childhood wounds. He’s been in recovery and therapy for sex addiction for five years. This, now, what I’m dealing with, is where he’s at. I’m not sure if he has decided that staying sober takes a fuck ton of work, so to hell with giving Kat what she needs as a life companion. He can barely keep his life right side up much less deal with me. Oh, he has shown empathy and compassion and all that, but perhaps not while he was juggling his work addiction on overdrive. I think he tossed his work addiction (if ever so briefly) aside to deal with the fallout of his secret life being revealed. He worked hard for 4+ years, now he has let the work addiction take back over. That’s what I think.

I am a strong woman. I am not some whiny little bitch upset because hubby shut down her cable. I am just so freakin’ tired of the bad behavior and the deflections from his own culpability. It is still his first instinct to do what works best for him and then damn the consequences. Have the consequences really been that bad for him? I think NOT.

When I finally was able to send a response to his text messages, I knew he was in transit and I was not in a mood to speak with him anyway, so I just typed away:

Just so you know where I’m at, when I saw in your message earlier “Been thinking… ” I really thought you were going to say you had been thinking about my text messages from yesterday and what I had been trying to get through to you and you were going to address my pain. Nope. I honestly don’t know why I bother hoping you will ever get it, get what you’ve done and just listen and do the right thing the first time. Based on yesterday, I feel you took a huge step back, or maybe you were pretending all along. I know it’s easy to rationalize that it’s this or it’s that, but it isn’t any of those excuses you want to use. It’s you. You never step outside your comfort zone. It breaks my heart. There were so many things you could have done yesterday for me, but you didn’t. I told you it wasn’t about the tennis/tv/cable, whatever. Those were merely symptoms of a big problem that eats away at me little by little every day. There are so many things you can do, but you don’t. You do what is easiest for you. You continue to make excuses and rationalize. If I was a priority, I would feel it. Read back through my texts and tell me you didn’t ignore my needs. I still feel the same as yesterday. Nothing has changed. You haven’t made it better. This isn’t going away and it won’t because it hinges on you. I know you are busy, swamped with work, ungrounded, whatever. Those will never be legitimate excuses for not being kind, loving, giving, and understanding of me. After all this time, you still don’t get it. Or maybe you do, and you just don’t care.

Perhaps you couldn’t tell how bad things were when I was sobbing on the phone and had to hang up? Perhaps you just didn’t want to deal with it. If you had heard my pain, you would have come home immediately, got me, taken me to a safe place, and held my hand and truly listened to me, and heard me. Instead you got our son up and I had to shut down emotionally, which is incredibly damaging to me. It’s all trapped inside. My heart hurts.

And here is what he sent less than 5 minutes later (if I wasn’t crying, I would have laughed out loud):

Thinking of you. Same room we had last time. We’re just hanging out as only one room is ready. Do you remember this?

IMG_1071

Oh man, guys. Of course I remember this strange toilet situation in a room Blue Eyes and I stayed at nearly six years ago on a wedding anniversary trip to Los Angeles. A trip during which he spent hours talking with his sexual acting out partner. He spent an entire Beverly Hills shopping trip for his niece’s birthday glued to his phone texting his sex partner. I know this because of the phone records that were eventually shared with me during his first step. I purchased myself flowers that trip in the lobby flower shop while he was away “at meetings” because I love flowers and I called them my anniversary flowers. He never commented on them. Yeah, this is the same hotel, and the same room we stayed in together. But not only that, this is the only response I get to what I wrote above. After I remind him about the last time we stayed in that room, he sends this:

I am sorry for everything that I have done. I will do better. I will be at coast on Friday unless you do not want me there…

Pity party much? We live together. He will see me way before the coast on Friday. Ugh.

That evening I sent him a pretty selfie of myself before going to bed and told him that if I didn’t love him so much, he would be out of chances. I knew he was sleeping and that he would be up in the morning before me. I honestly thought he would wake to my message and send me something right away, letting me know he liked that I sent him a nice, sweet, thoughtful message for him to wake up to. Nope.

I woke up to nothing

He read my message at 8:05 in the morning, but waited until he had showered, worked, and attended a breakfast meeting before sending me this:

Good morning beautiful. I am dead to the world, but happy

He sent that message at 10:34am. I had been up for some time. He later made the excuse that he didn’t want to wake me up with a text message. We have had this conversation so many times. I don’t keep my ringer on on my phone. I don’t even have it on vibrate. He knows it wouldn’t have woken me up, but he chose not to text me, and to use that as an excuse. I wanted to just let it go, but I was in one of my moods, and I just couldn’t. This is what I wrote:

I was hoping to receive that message much earlier than this. You have to know that I do care whether you are thinking of me (over other things) and that you express it to me. Not when it’s convenient, after getting ready and having a meeting, but if you actually think of me when you wake up without me. You read my message at 8:05am. I know you think you can’t win no matter what you do, or you never do anything right, but please view this from my perspective. You don’t even try.

If I wasn’t the person I am, it would be quite easy for me to fill the voids you leave behind, with other people, but I don’t. Not a threat, a reality. Don’t you have a book about watering the seeds in your garden (relationship)? I know you read things and they become your favorite thing to talk about for the moment. You even purchase books to give away to other people. Which is all fine, but hypocritical if you aren’t taking care of your own garden. I’m dying. I’m withering from lack of care in our relationship. This isn’t like “old times” where you put in a little effort then go back to ignoring. This time is different. I’m different.

Five years has actually hit me quite hard (I’m supposed to be all healed up, right?) and I think you are just going to continue on this lackluster path.

Lily’s not going down to breakfast.

He read my entire message, commented not one little bit on anything I said, EXCEPT…

Call me regarding Lily.

Lily is our 10 1/2 year old Golden Retriever. I was eventually able to get our old girl to come down to breakfast. I think she was just being obstinate. She’s quite manipulative. Probably wanted me to bring breakfast to her… and people think I’m spoiled, ha.

Anyway, I’m writing this here to get this off my very heavy hearted chest and move forward. I know what I signed up for 5+ years ago. I have evaluated my situation many many times and I continue to do so on the daily. I wish it wasn’t so, but this is a pretty thankless journey. Blue Eyes and I haven’t really talked much about any of this. We had lunch together when he got back to town. He’s incredibly busy, but never an excuse for ignoring my needs. He knows this. We leave for the beach house after work today. In a week we’ll be off to Paris, then Miami, then I will have my month to myself in North Carolina.

Life marches on…

50 thoughts on “I woke up to nothing, part two

  1. I’m sorry you are going through this. It is so difficult to look at the man you love and wonder if he cares. Why can’t he show it? Is it capable? Does he just not care? I ask those questions as well. I have yet to find a balance between what he is capable of and what I need. I’ve also not mastered allowing him some slack for his limitations without letting him off the hook – at the same time not ignoring my needs. This is tough work. Relationships are not easy. Throw in infidelity. Addiction. Baggage. Sometimes it seems overwhelming. I could see my husband and I having the same interaction. It is amazing that what seems so logical and common sense to us, doesn’t translate the same to others. Hugs!

    Liked by 5 people

    • Although I do ask myself often, whether I think my husband cares, I’m pretty sure he actually does care, a lot. Unfortunately he struggles with wanting to control and manipulate everyone and everything. He’s easily distracted and rationalizes that he’s too busy to deal with my needs. Well, that doesn’t work so well in a marriage. They don’t get to do what they did and then just wish it away. What they did affects how we see everything in the marriage now. He has to work harder now at understanding my needs, whatever they are, and caring and meeting me at least half way, or it’s just not worth it. Hugs back!

      Liked by 2 people

      • I believe he cares about you deeply. I believe my husband cares for me as well. They just royally suck at showing it when their issues get in their way. I’m struggling with my husband (as you read) respecting my boundaries. He just doesn’t seem to get that I’m not ok with certain behaviors anymore. I’m not letting things slide anymore. I’m not keeping my mouth shut and suffering in silence anymore. He and I are new at enforcing boundaries so I expect some bumps in the road as we learn. But I’m not tolerating blatant disregard for me and my needs. Step up or step out. I’ve given so much to repair the marriage his affair obliterated. We had issues before and the affair was a symptom of that. I get it. But some of those issues are still cropping up. And he just doesn’t get it. He always feels like I’m trying to control him, because he has never had boundaries with anyone until recently. It’s all so frustrating and heartbreaking.

        Liked by 3 people

        • You know, no problems in a marriage warrant an affair. I’m sure he still feels bad about it and a natural instinct is to deflect. Marriage is hard even without infidelity. Lack of emotional maturity doesn’t help. Continued marriage counseling sounds like it might be the only way to get you two communicating in a productive way. I hope it works out if you want it to. Years ago when BE and I were living in Japan and I was miserable, I threw a plate at the kitchen wall in anger and frustration. He claimed for years that I threw it at his head!!! 😧 We were early 20’s at the time. I assured him that if I had intended for that plate to hit his head, it would have! Idiot! Anyway, marriage is hard! Big hugs. xoxo

          Liked by 3 people

  2. I don’t really have words for how I’m feeling. Your post brought me to tears. At this particular moment in time I am in a remarkably similar boat (will write after I try to process it) and I know how very sad and distraught I am. I can’t imagine doing everything you have done to heal -and everything BE had done to recover – and yet still be dealing with this insanity 5 years out. I hope this passes quickly. I’m rooting for you and sending love and virtual support.
    Xo❤️

    Liked by 3 people

    • I’m always a reflection of where BE is at. Right now he is not in a grounded space. When his addict behavior affects more than just me, I start to feel things even more deeply. It’s passing, but not without further tears and sadness that he doesn’t want to work hard enough for a life much better than the one he has when he lets his addict control him. He has such a great life, great kids, a successful company he created, and an awesome wife, and yet, he still insists on letting that addict control him and tell him to run, deflect, ignore, rationalize, whatever. This isn’t like the first five years. It’s different because he has learned so much and done so much healing, and yet, here we are. I do believe the situation has been aggravated by the PA. Ironically BE wanted this. Someone to help organize him, and yet he fights it… I’m not sure he really wants to fix what’s broken. He just wants more people around him to manipulate and I’m not going to let that happen. xo

      Liked by 5 people

  3. Is THIS mother-fu(ker here REALLY doing the boundaries thing with you?!!!

    His messages are so to the point, so short, so cold. He’ll put in a little forced Nice Words stuff (also cold and brief) at critical moments but that’s all.

    These exchanges are literally how I enforce boundaries with manipulative people I’m entrenched with and need to extricate myself from. It’s like following the Gray Rock method… address only the technical/necessary issues and take the teeth out of emotionally-charged topics by ignoring them. Don’t feed the fire or react to it; just be boring until the other person stops sending those kinds of messages. It takes a while but it’s effective. He addresses cable. He gets your son to find a solution. He talks about beach-house itinerary and mentions that he is able to NOT be there if that’s what you prefer. Coldly. Succinctly.

    That sonofabitch is reading/getting advice on how to take the charge out of emotionally-charged “situations.” And employing it beautifully, never coming off as an aggressor but as a rational, compliant husband, even throwing out bizarre-to-you things like lyrics that mean nothing to you but would look sweet to an outsider… like he’s going to be accountable to some 12-step boundaries person at a meeting soon. “See? I couldn’t try any harder… look what she writes!”

    What a fucker.

    Liked by 3 people

    • Insist, he doesn’t need to read anything. He is a master at deflection, rationalization, distraction, dishonesty, excuses, whatever. A person needs to be able to shut down all emotion in order to be able to ignore me when I’m sobbing. He is able to do that if he decides it is in his best interest. He deemed himself too busy to deal with my needs and my emotions. When I asked above whether anyone else was frustrated, I can see the answer is YES. Thanks for understanding that this is bullshit that I shouldn’t have to put up with, and I’m not. ❤️

      Liked by 3 people

      • That’s because you’re freaking awesome. It sucks that you get dragged down into his selfishness. It’s like… “AGAIN, you hurt me FOR NO REASON and then pretend I’m being irrational and overly emotional when I cry and say ‘THAT HURTS!’? Thanksafuckinglot.”

        He got his man-panties in a bunch over a damn Comcast bill? Why? Because if HE can’t use the cable, the cable isn’t worth having? What a dick.

        Obviously, it wasn’t about getting rid of the cable for him either… no matter how much he protests that it was. More useless Nice Words instead of Kind Action.

        I lost my shit at last, with him sending you a picture of that $40 home-bidet attachment sold from the wall behind the register at every Arab grocery store. That was the last straw… he cancels the one grounding constant, gives no options, shows he doesn’t care, takes off without resolving it, ignores your emotions, starves you any sense of intimacy and offers to keep it going when he returns, and what… sending you a “light-hearted” picture of a fucking toilet is going to help? What.the.actual.fuck?

        Liked by 2 people

  4. Once, many years ago, I sat down and wrote a list of the pros and cons of my relationship, what made me happy, what made me unhappy. It helped determine where I am today, and the person I became, and continue to become. We all move forward my friend whether we want to or not, and to be complete we have to evolve. Sending a hug, a massive hug. You know where I am when you are in France. Moisy ❤️❤️

    Liked by 5 people

    • That process was recommended by a CSAT who had a support group for betrayed women – – – she called it a “balance sheet” I think. It sounds a little cold (to me, b/c I am warm and loving), but it’s actually a helpful tool. Rational. No relationship is perfect.

      When something this huge (SA, betrayal, etc.) assaults a relationship, and the person continues to cause emotional harm and deny emotional support, it can be helpful to lay it out on paper – your needs – what do you get out of the relationship, what harm does the relationship do to you, etc. Weighting certain needs (or pros / cons) can be helpful too.

      I don’t believe anyone ever has a “perfect” balance of their needs being met in any relationship, but when an addict acts out (DARVO) and all of the control / manipulation – it can be so hurtful. It can seem so intentional, too, but IMHO it’s really just the addict side taking over. Like Jeckyl & Hyde (sp?).

      Hugs ❤

      Liked by 3 people

      • I have done this too, beleeme, the balance sheet. It is difficult to put things like love and a cohesive family up against someone technically trying to be and do better, but failing. It’s all so very difficult. xo

        Liked by 2 people

        • It sure is. It’s hard to “weigh” things, but actually just listing them, even though one “thing” may weigh more than another is a helpful exercise. I think (quite a while back?) I completed an exercise re: black box and white box (could be wrong on the actual name?) and I don’t want to dig up that paperwork right now (b/c potential for triggers). Anyhow – one box contained all the ugly, negative traits and harm done. The other was all of the positive traits, love, and “gifts” (and I don’t mean material gifts) to the coupleship. That helped me. For me, it was obvious (looking at long-term traits). The boxes had lids, too.

          I know you are smart and resourceful, and you’ve done your work. I also know sometimes people just can’t take any more. Only we can know what to do, and it’s wise to take the to think, write it out, talk to others who get it, etc., whilst we ponder.

          Many, tremendous, warm, loving hugs to you, Kat.

          Liked by 2 people

          • Thanks beleeme for all the wonderful support and hugs. I feel my life for the past five years has been all about weighing things out and many days it all seems to make sense and is balanced, and other days I feel like the weight of the burden I carry has come crashing down and has literally pinned me to the ground. Things are a little better, but the further into this we get, I guess my expectation is that he realizes ignoring me and my needs just isn’t an option. ❤️

            Liked by 1 person

  5. My question is, WHY do we continue to stay in these relationships that clearly are run and controlled by cheating, non feeling, non caring, non thinking, non understanding narcissists?? We are better than this. I want to be better than this. How do we let go and move on without them. Start over. Learn what REAL love and compassion is..I KNOW it’s the only way to freedom from the pain and to healing.

    Liked by 3 people

  6. “There are so many things you can do, but you don’t. You do what is easiest for you. You continue to make excuses and rationalize. If I was a priority, I would feel it.”

    I heard and felt every damn word..

    As you can imagine.

    This is what happened to me.

    Love you x

    Liked by 7 people

  7. Oh Kat, I a not an overly emotional person, but I teared up reading this. I know this is not about cable but I too thought of discontinuing cable because it’s expensive. I do watch Netflix, Amazon Prime, Hulu, etc. The only thing we watch on cable is news and live sports. I should say my husband watches live sports. For that reason alone I wouldn’t cancel it, but I did negotiate a slightly lower fee with WOW by threatening to cancel. I wouldn’t cancel because I know my husband enjoys it, albeit not that often. Considering all that’s happened, why shouldn’t I cancel? Right?

    I think the deeper meaning of your post is how messed up these guys are. It’s funny, but I was just thinking about that today. I also thought that I have no solution for that. Yes, they can be “sober,” but does that fix what caused them to do the shit they did in the first place? Not really. It’s been three years for me, but I still can’t believe how my husband lied about who he was for 30+ years. I don’t know if I’ve forgiven him but I do know It doesn’t hurt like it used to. I really do see how truly sick he is. 😞

    Liked by 4 people

    • This journey never ends. Like Beleeme said in her comment, we have to decide what we can live with. For me that’s an ever moving target. Indeed they are totally messed up. I’m just happy to be living inside my mind and not having to live inside his. He’s obviously crazy.

      On another note, today was the Indian Wells men’s semifinals. Two icons (Federer and Nadal) playing each other. I scoured the Tennis Channel and ESPN for coverage. They were supposed to be the only two networks covering this tournament. Turns out, ABC picked up today’s play. The package BE purchased doesn’t include ABC, so he paid additional so I could watch the match on live streaming, then Nadal couldn’t play because of a knee injury. So much drama, all because my husband apparently hates comcast or me, or something???? Ridiculous! xo

      Liked by 1 person

      • That’s what happens with live sports. Another station picks it up or whatever. Not to mention how many ESPN stations there are now. During football and basketball seasons it’s so crazy for my husband trying to find the games. We both like live tennis. I’ve looked at this cancelling cable idea and can’t figure out how to do it without the situation you describe. If BE figures it out, please share. Haha. My other thought is you call Comcast, tell them to reinstall. Hell, they will probably contact you shortly offering a deal to get you back. Take care, Friend. You’ve got this. xoxo 😘

        Liked by 2 people

  8. “now he has let the work addiction take back over”

    I’m no expert, but something always takes over, IMHO. I wonder if addicts can actually “recover” or if they can just be sober and learn better coping mechanisms, making life somewhat more manageable and somewhat more meaningful. And go through ups and downs. I don’t know.

    One therapist said to me once, “You’ll have to decide if what he has to give is enough.” Enough. What’s enough (for you, for me, for another betrayed spouse)? I do think people have differing needs regarding what is enough, and whether “enough” of their needs are being met. Only we can decide for ourselves.

    Hugs to you Kat.

    Liked by 4 people

  9. I am speechless. How is this still possible from BE after all the “work” he has done and continues to do? Do you think maybe an IMAGO therapist or a Gottman trained therapist might break through to him? Goodness Kat, WTF? Big hugs from southern Arizona.

    Liked by 6 people

    • Thanks for the hugs, Marie. He gets it, he’s choosing to be selfish, and under the circumstances, it’s soul crushing. He’s rationalizing again. When pushed up against a wall ( really busy at work, behind schedule, having to answer to a PA who’s got his number ) he chooses to alienate and ignore. When I needed him, he wasn’t there. He didn’t even try to meet me where I was. He didn’t keep his promises and he devalued my feelings. It’s not gone unnoticed. It hurts. I thought I meant more than that. He tells me I do (of course), actions speak louder than words. Thanks for the AZ hugs, I’m breathing in the sunshine ☀️ ❤️

      Liked by 3 people

  10. With all the mindfulness, SAA, and all of the other stuff these guys read and are taught, you’d think they’d be able to get it.

    Mr. P and I were just in Mexico and he quoted something Deepak Chopra teaches, and I finally told him that “I’ve heard enough of what Tony Robbins, Deepak Chopra, Wayne Dyer etc. have to say, I want to hear what YOU think and what YOU believe – because you are NO master at practicing what you repeat”.

    That may have been harsh, but it’s one thing to read, and another to put into daily practice.

    Ultimately, and unfortunately, these guys are fucked up, self absorbed, and for the most part genuinely unable/unwilling to have empathy. What BE is showing is apathy towards your pain and frustration, which is very alarming.

    I’m so sorry, stay strong and I hope you get some rest when you’re in NC. Until then, look out for numero uno.

    Liked by 6 people

  11. You’re obviously in a tough spot but by no means are you alone. BE might not get you (not yet? Not ever? Can’t? Won’t?) but so many of us feeling souls do. This road is never straight nor level, but you’re the strongest and most grounded woman who has been dealing with life’s curveballs so freaking admirably. Maybe all the tennis I wonder? 🙂 biggest hugs to you. Enjoy your time at the beach house!

    Liked by 6 people

    • Ha, B, I actually have that entire Imagine Dragons album and their new ones as well. For me it’s great exercise music. Gets me going. I feel like he’s combined a bunch of song lyrics into something that sounds like meaningless gibberish to me. Not exactly what I was looking for, but then again, it often isn’t. xo

      Like

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