It’s complicated

/ CrazyKat1963

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True Story.

As Blue Eyes and I were packing up at our midtown NYC hotel room this past Sunday I received a distressing phone call from a friend. I was already stressed out as the front desk staff and the housekeeping staff were having major communication issues and even though we have a guaranteed 2pm check out at this particular hotel chain (due to rewards status, which is why some of us try to be loyal customers, and why rewards systems are set up in the first place, right???), Blue Eyes had verified the 2pm checkout, and informed housekeeping of this fact, but apparently they REALLY needed to get into our room.

At 1:15pm housekeeping proceeded to knock violently on our door and then when Blue Eyes yelled through the door as he was dripping wet in a towel (I was on the phone), that he had a late checkout, housekeeping didn’t answer him, but returned a few minutes later with SECURITY, to get us out of the room. There was no way Blue Eyes was opening the door for security (and again, I was on the phone), so he called down to the front desk to ask them to please stop harassing us while we were trying to pack. We had been there for four days. It was really nuts. Meanwhile, I was struggling to connect with my friend. I had texted her apologizing for not having the time to get together while in the city. She had texted me a couple short bursts, then called me. Totally unexpected as we rarely talk on the phone. I had her on speaker phone while I was frantically packing and Blue Eyes was battling with housekeeping.

The story goes like this. I met Nina on my healthy Southern sojourn Spring 2018. We walked, we talked, we met up in New York City a couple months later. She’s 20+ years younger than me, but that didn’t seem to matter at all. On our first walk together, she told me of how she had struggled with eating disorders for years and how upon arriving to the South (the summer before I met her) she was a total mess. After battling eating disorders since adolescence, she was at her heaviest weight and felt disgusted with herself and horrible about life in general and her long-term boyfriend had recently been diagnosed as a sex addict. I KID YOU NOT. I am like a sex addict partner magnet. For real! They had broken up and she was still heartbroken. She had worked her ass off to lose something like 75 pounds in six months and she was a workout machine. She had not only lost a lot of weight, but she had become incredibly fit in the process. She continued to return to the south for “tune-ups.” I met her on one of those return visits.

Fast forward to Sunday. As it turns out, nearly the entire time Nina was in and out of the south, what totals about two years at this point, she had been having an affair with a married man. A local man, Nina’s age, married to his high school sweetheart, and with a young daughter. He claimed he was in a loveless marriage. He claimed his wife didn’t understand him. He claimed they never had sex anymore. He claimed he loved Nina and that he wanted nothing more than to be with her for the rest of his life. That is what he said. Nina, having been very recently out of a dysfunctional relationship was swept off her feet, and she was incredibly vulnerable. She knew all along he was married, but she believed what he said. After the affair was two years old, she pushed for him to tell his wife that he was leaving her. The realities of the situation started to dawn on the married man and he became really stressed out. He became more difficult to get ahold of. He didn’t always answer her calls anymore. He started ignoring her texts. Nina was traveling back and forth to the south to see the married man, the healthful tune-ups although partially true, were mostly a cover. When she was away from him, she was incredibly lonely and depressed. When he became harder to reach, she got frantic.

A couple months ago everything came to a head. Nina called and called, but the married man didn’t answer. Nina proceeded to call, text, email, continuously. Prior to this they had talked every day. When they had been apart, he would ring her at 7am every day with an I Love You wake up call. In her desperation to reach her lover, she called his parents’ house asking about the married man. She told them she was a friend who had suddenly lost touch and was worried about him. She sent the married man’s wife a message on Facebook messenger saying the same thing… she was a friend who had lost touch. The married man finally called Nina back. He told her he was going to tell his wife everything. The married man quit his job (not wanting to face his co-workers when they found out he was cheating on his wife), and he then went home and he did tell his wife and parents that he had been having an affair with Nina and that he wanted a divorce. This is, at least, what he told Nina he had done. Things went sideways from there.

At this point, the married man cut off all communication with Nina. He blocked her calls and texts. He blocked her on social media. Nina was frantic and in her quest for information she found out that the wife had gone “a bit crazy.” She had begged her husband to go to counseling, to make it work. She threatened, custody of the daughter was on the line, and she got an attorney. And, because Nina had sent her a message on messenger, and she had contacted the wife’s in-laws (the married man’s parents), the wife got a restraining order on Nina. She said she had her daughter to protect.

The married man now has a new job. He is no longer with his wife, but he is not with Nina either. Nina has spiraled down the rabbit hole. She’s depressed, and sad, and angry, and well, she thought I would never want to talk to her again, because, she’s the other woman. And she’s pretty sure she understands how I feel about other women.

Well, she’s not MY other woman, and even if she was, I would set her straight. People lie. People cheat. I told her as much on the phone. She said, BUT, we’re like soulmates. We’re meant for each other. He told me his marriage was over. He told me he could never love anyone else like he loves me. I bet he said those same words to his wife, too, at one point in time. Nina knew he was married but somehow she convinced herself that she was different. It was MEANT to be. Hindsight is pretty obvious on this one… the marriage is over when the signed divorce papers are in hand, and not a moment before. Don’t believe otherwise.

The thing that gets me about this story is… Nina made a big, huge mistake. Pretty sure she knows that now. Pretty sure the wife thinks she also made a big huge mistake, quite a few years ago. But guess who’s now a “free” man, leaving two broken hearts in his wake. Yep, he’s theoretically out of his marriage, and maybe Nina isn’t the one for him after all. I mean, she sorta stalked his wife, and family. Meanwhile Nina is going back to the south for a court date, to fight the restraining order. I know she wants to tell her side of the story, but, mistresses don’t usually garner a lot of sympathy. Nina’s attorney has also warned her about the alienation of affections law tort that still exists in North Carolina. It’s a bizarre law by which the wife could potentially sue Nina for causing her divorce. It’s all very complicated and unsavory.

I wonder what the real statistics are. The numbers on how many mistresses actually end up with their man. This story isn’t over yet. Who knows what will happen. I put my money on neither the wife or Nina ending up with him.

36 thoughts on “It’s complicated”

  1. A restraining order for a Facebook message seems extreme.
    If there is one I would not fight it if I was Nina.
    I would send a letter of apology and hope that is dismissed.

    I don’t doubt she is very hurt by this breakup, but she knew she was involved with a married man. If she thought there wouldn’t be drama she was fooling herself.

    I hope she learns from this. She should expect to be included as part of a fault divorce as she clearly identified herself as the adultery partner. The husband will probably not be impressed.

    Sad story. Cheaters ruin many lives.

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    • Yeah, there’s a restraining order and she has her plane flight booked to go to court.

      I think she WAS fooling herself. People do that a lot. I don’t know if they have fault divorce in NC, but the married couple have to wait a year before the divorce is granted. I think the hope is that in that year the couple will work out their differences. Who knows when the government gets involved in personal lives.

      The interesting thing to me, not having to do with Nina, but just the way I looked at my own marriage… I wouldn’t want to be married to someone who didn’t want to be with me, or who wanted to be with someone else. It’s one of the first things I asked my sex addict husband after the phone call from the other woman. Do you want a divorce? He didn’t. If he had, that would have been that. I had no clue about sex addiction or really about cheating. Why people cheat, the numerous reasons. I assumed that if people cheated, they didn’t love their spouse anymore and it was over? I was wrong.

      And yes, cheaters do ruin lives. It’s cruel.

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      • My spouse didn’t want a divorce. But once I knew about the cheating I did. I guess I no longer cared what he wanted. After all, he didn’t think much about me when he was having sex with someone else.

        Some days I miss him. But mostly I enjoy the freedom of singledom.

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        • We all have unique stories, and needs. For me, I really needed to understand what was truly going on with my partner of 30 years (at that point). Again, I was blown away, and also traumatized by all that was revealed that first month of sobriety. We had so much time into the relationship, two kids together, a business together, and the way I found out about it all (the phone call), was really orchestrated by him and his weaknesses. He wanted his secret life revealed, he just didn’t have the guts to do it himself. And that sucks no matter how I look at it. But it’s part and parcel to who he is. I vacillated on leaving for 2+ years. My decision was less about sobriety than it was about me believing he really wanted to step up and work his recovery with the goal of being an honest and viable partner to me. Sobriety is one of the boundaries, but probably not the most crucial in my mind at this point. Being actively involved in recovery is crucial and that for me means maintaining relationships with other recovering sex addicts, as well as replacing old bad habits with new good ones. He’s a work in progress. I know I would be fine and happy as a single person too. Some days I dream about it! xo

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  3. That is a strange law. While it would be nice to have some type of consequence to slam the AP with, what is the ramification to the straying spouse?
    I am a very empathetic person. So I do have a little for Nina. I also found a sliver for my husbands AP. Broken people find broken people. Our lying, cheating husbands find weak women to prey on. The only way this whole affair business works is being able to find a willing partner. Which is not going to be a woman with her shit together. Twos don’t attract tens. They believe the lies they are told. If only to convince themselves they are special and the relationship is real. They are soul mates right? Because why else would a married man cheat unless this new relationship is gold? It has to be real. And I’m sure it feels real. My husbands AP wanted him to leave me. He probably told her he would. Why else would they stick around otherwise?
    I hope Nina gets some help to stop continuing to hurt herself and other women.

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    • Likewise, I hope everyone gets to a place where they start healing. But often people just move on without evaluating the whys. I still think about my sister, Elizabeth, whose husband left her for another man. She took up obsessively running, lost 60 pounds, her hair fell out, but she just kept running. She never dealt with the trauma. She’s remarried with a baby, but I still worry about her. She has a rough edge now. I’m sure deep down she’s still broken from it. If we don’t deal with it, we carry the trauma with us. ❤️

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  4. I can’t say I blame the wife. I would have gotten a restraining order, too. Imagine being in the wife’s position with a young child and another woman calling and harassing just to get to your husband. If she messaged her on Facebook, then she was looking her up on social media. Nina sounds like every wife’s nightmare. I was online stalked by husband’s AP, and it’s just scary. I would totally take advantage of the alienation of affection law and make her help pay for my divorce. She not only helped destroy a family, she then terrorized the innocents. Friend or not, there’s always consequences to poor decisions and they are usually more that we’re willing to pay.

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    • Since I was literally stalked, for months, I do know how it feels. I never pursued a restraining order because I didn’t want to have to be in the same room with her. I had nightmares about the other woman taking my kids from school, even though by the time of the actual stalking, my boys were grown. Dreams are weird. I do get it, but I also feel the responsibility for the lion’s share of the burden falls with the husband in this scenario.

      After two years of a deep emotional and physical affair during which he said all those things married men say… my husband said them too, he convinced her that he loved her and wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. They had even made plans for where they would live. Nina had gone with him to tour his new workplace. In her mind (of course) his marriage was over. When he did finally get to the point where he asked for the divorce, he was ghosting Nina, who believed he was the love of her life. I think she thought he had lost it, and potentially done himself harm. That’s why she was contacting his family. Not smart, but I see how it happened. She was back in NY at this point. I’m not making excuses for Nina, she obviously made a huge life mistake. I know Nina, and I know the married man. I don’t know the wife, so that does leave me a bit biased. Not biased enough that I don’t feel for the wife, I’m sure she’s devastated, and a restraining order is one thing. It’s more of a statement than anything as we all know how difficult it is to stop crazy people when they are on a mission. Pretty sure Nina has no desire to see the wife or child, she wants the married man. She’s not going to get him (by my evaluation), and she’s in agony. 🤷🏻‍♀️ I don’t understand the alienation of affection law though. In the end, the husband owed his wife honesty, loyalty, and fidelity. It’s a strange law. Maybe it was meant to detract people from affairs? I really don’t get it. But that’s me. I’ve never sued anyone for anything even though I’ve had cause. Bad karma, I guess.

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    • Hey, SW. I hope things are well with you! Nina is my friend and I am well aware of her vulnerabilities, so I do have sympathy for her, but I get it. Just like people say they would immediately kick their husbands out if they found out they cheated (but many wives do not), I’m not going to kick my friendship to the curb because I now know Nina fell in love with a married man. Yes, she bears responsibility, but not all the responsibility. It’s sad how this happens. Human beings are weak and able to rationalize.

      I have always had a certain level of understanding around the women my husband preyed upon. They had issues, that’s why he chose them. He obviously does too, just different issues.

      I remember reading on your blog a long time ago a post where you wrote about roles being reversed. Not that you would cheat, but you wrote a story of how you could see it happening. This affair, however, didn’t start in a chat room. It started with close physical presence and human weakness.

      I don’t want Nina to be sued for alienation of affection because she was not the only player in this game. I don’t think she should take the fall. From some of the things she has shared, she may be bi-polar, with her eating disorders being part of her control pattern. She had just had her heart broken. He was married. Yes of course it’s completely wrong, but understandable how it happened. She’s not enmeshed in any way in this betrayed wife community like we are. But even if she was, I could still see it happening. Even if she threw herself at him, he crossed the bigger line. If his marriage was as miserable as he claimed, he should have left, obviously. We all know this, but he didn’t. Nina is not stable. I know he knew this (since I know him), and he should have been able to see the red flags all over the place (i.e., Nina’s stalking-like behavior when he started pulling away). I actually think he thought he was in love as well. It’s obviously a huge mess now and I hope Nina does leave things be.

      Another interesting side note… Nina has access to lots of money, married man/wife do not.

      xo

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  7. As you were describing housekeeping showing up with security I could only think of the hotel eviction scene in Ocean’s 13 ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PxZETZEwe4k ). LOL
    As for Nina, I’m not without empathy for her (just as I have a morsel of empathy for all but one of Handsome’s APs since he lied and they bought it), but this is what happens when you interfere in someone else’s marriage. She should consider herself lucky if the restraining order is allowed to expire and the wife doesn’t sue her. And hopefully she’ll realize one day that she dodged a bullet with the cheater. And yes, her going cray cray when he cut off contact is kind of nuts. I’m sure Nina is lovely, but I’m on Team Wife on the restraining order.
    xo

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    • Ha, I haven’t seen Ocean’s 13, but that is pretty funny, especially since it’s also a middle-aged Jewish man, LOLOL. Well, it’s funny now, but not funny then. Pretty sure that kind of thing wouldn’t happen at a Four Seasons, but we’re not going to pay $1200 a night to verify, so I guess we get what we pay for??? It’s actually the mid-town Kimpton, which is in a great location at 30th & 6th. Too bad.

      Nina knew the married man was married all along, but they have so many great (albeit not at all unique) lines to get that ball rolling, so to speak. She went really cray cray and even as she was talking about it (and I have lots of sympathy for her since she’s a fairly vulnerable young woman–perfect target) I was cringing. She’s not altogether stable and the married man should have seen it coming, but again, the whole thing is nuts. I’m pretty much always on team wife, and I am gently encouraging Nina to let things drop and move on with her life. She did say, “without him, I have no life” Or something like that. Ugh. This is potentially the most cliche relationship dilemma of our times. I’m still not quite sure why people don’t just leave their miserable marriages in the first place (sarcasm). Perhaps sanity is what is missing from modern romantic relationships? I don’t know. xo

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  8. It’s not complicated Kay. It’s cliche!!

    Nina needs to fix her self and her picker before she enters ANY relationship.

    She carries on a two year relationship with a MM and then pressures him and stalks his family? That’s nuts.

    Yes there are those laws. My state had that law. And i intended to use it too had i chosen divorce. You do t fuck with other people’s lives. You can make your own choices but you do t get to choose the consequences.

    She needs to leave the restraint order in place and pray she never crosses paths with any of his family again including Mr Douchebag Married Man!

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    • Oh, I agree. Nina has lots of issues. I kind of meant the legal situation was complicated, and a bit scary for Nina. I was honestly blown away by her story because I actually know the married man and it’s astonishing to me that this transpired. He just did not seem the type, but again, you never really know somebody.

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        • There absolutely is no “type.” And according to “people,” “never say never.” Ha. Apparently I could be the type. 😉 I think a lot of people I know though would be astonished at what goes on out there and how much we talk about it here on the blogs. I know a lot of people who have never cheated and who have never been cheated on. Oh, to be one of those people again. ❤

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          • Gotta admit, whilst I have a tiny smidgen of empathy for Nina’s brokenness – and have known friends having affairs in the past – I struggle to really be kind about them. A marriage isn’t over ’til the parties live apart, and assets are divided.

            A very simple rule. If you believe a still married person’s bullshit story that their marriage is over, ask why are you still living together then? Why is the divorce not final? They are superb bullshitters. So, like SW, I struggle with a lot of empathy here. But appreciate she is your friend and needs help.

            I don’t think many of these vulnerable women ever really get help, or make healthy changes to their ways of seeking validation. So sad.

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                • I have real issues shutting down my compassion. I’m an empath, but I do hope she gets help for what allowed her to believe starting a relationship with someone who was still married was okay. I know she was lonely, and needy, and emotionally vulnerable, but… we do all have choices. I hope she makes better choices in the future. How are you doing? I hope you are healing well and they got all of whatever was causing you problems. ❤

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                  • I’m an empath too. And also very rational; so I can see the big picture with her too. The man should have some consequences – sheesh! I was going to blog about my surgery. I don’t want to change topics on your blog – but since you asked – I needed TWO surgeries in 4 days. The good news is that the initial pathology doesn’t look like Thymoma (cancer). It looks like Lymphangioma (not cancer – good!) but very rare in adults and very rare in the area it occurred. I won’t rest easy until final pathology report and then second opinion from a specific pathologist at The Mayo Clinic. My left vocal cord doesn’t work b/c a nerve was affected during surgery. So I needed another surgery to have injections to that vocal cord b/c I couldn’t swallow (risk to aspirate into lungs – not good). Anyway – it’s not over – it’s a process, but I am on the right track and I will heal.

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                    • I’m so happy it’s not cancer, and that you were able to get the second surgery right away. I can’t imagine not being able to swallow. Thank goodness for IV’s! Thinking of you and sending more healing vibes. Are you home now?

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                    • Yes. Home on Tuesday. Surgery was the previous Friday and then the 2nd procedure was Monday. I feel like I can’t “accept” the pathology until I have the formal one and then a second opinion. Thoracic surgery is no joke though. Serious stuff. OY.

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                    • I *think* the final pathology form the local cancer hospital (Roswell Park – BFLO, NY) will be done by this coming Tuesday? I meet with my surgeon for follow-up that day. She already knows we are requesting a second opinion and she said she’ll facilitate it. I think the slides are overnighted? The pathologist at Mayo wants to know when to look out for them, so I assume it will be pretty quick? I’ll know within a couple of weeks? Pathologists look under the microscope all day long; that’s their job. They look, review and compare to other specimens, then dictate. This pathologist is looking for cases to review at an international conference in early Oct., so I’m sure she’ll want to see if my case is worthy to present.

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                    • Well, it’s a good thing when it’s a rare case and the docs actually want to evaluate. I just worry about the stress of you having to wait, but I realize there is no other way, so hopefully you are working on keeping the stress at bay and practicing lots of self care and deep breathing, meditation, etc… Or maybe just a comedy movie and a nice snuggle with the fur baby. Much love. ❤

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                    • I’m not really stressed. (That’s odd for me.) I’m more focused on my healing body. I’ve been much more “in the moment” and that’s really a good thing. Gratitude for now.

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      • Wow. You know the married man. What a story here – so synchronistic about how you met her. And you are SO RIGHT – you never really know someone, even in a long-term marriage. Scary stuff. That’s why we betrayed wives are told to believe behaviors. Observe. Watch how they treat us. Agreed – there is no “type”.

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        • Yes, I know the married man, but only in his job capacity. That is how Nina met him as well. I never saw the least hint of him being a cheater, or that he was cheating with Nina. It wasn’t until everything went sideways and she was struggling with letting go (and I was in close physical proximity to her) that she shared any of it with me. I knew they were friends, but in my continuing naivete, I believe men and women can be just friends. People keep proving me wrong though. He is actually getting a divorce, unfortunately he did it all in the wrong order. I always looked at the married man as a sort of southern gentleman. My guess is he wasn’t treated his wife “badly.” But who knows. I know people fall out of love, it just hasn’t happened to me. xo

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          • Yep. The wrong order. I used to think men and women can be friends, too, but I’m not so sure now either. I think if it’s a male who knows the couple, and is friends with the couple, that’s okay. I think some women are capable of being “only friends” but I think males are just wired differently.

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