Today marks the 7th anniversary of the phone call. This day holds no specific or magnified trauma for me anymore. I don’t count backwards or forwards from January 11th anymore. I’m not sure how to define healing really. It’s true the path is not linear or smooth. Since the trauma symptoms were many, they didn’t all go away on one special day, nor, in fact, have they all gone away. Some had dissipated by the two-year mark, and it’s true, many had been worked through by the five year mark, so the 2-5 year healing period was not totally off for me, but I do still write about things that happen with Blue Eyes because he is still very much the same person he was all along and he has some seriously frustrating characteristics, sex addict, or not.
I still feel the remnants of the pain of betrayal. I know they will never leave me completely. I’m changed in many ways. I do see more clearly now. I’ve lost my innocence, especially that which existed alongside unconditional love. My commitment to my marital relationship used to be unconditional, or so I believed. Now I know there should always be conditions to that kind of love. No one, and I mean literally no one, deserves to be cheated on and lied to by their best friend. The weakness of others shouldn’t be able to destroy me, and it didn’t.
Betrayal trauma and specifically sexual addiction induced betrayal trauma and related post traumatic stress are very very real and debilitating. I started my journaling away from this blog, and then directly to this blog not to try to help others, but to try and ease my own burden. I found a beautiful community here and I will be forever grateful.
I have received comments by wives who have moved on from their cheaters, and are grateful for having done so, and I get that. I’ve also received comments by wives who read my blog, are still with their cheaters, and are concerned by my continuing issues with Blue Eyes, after so much time has passed, and I certainly get that too. The thing is, we are all flawed. Many of Blue Eyes flaws were medicated by his addiction. They weren’t obvious, or even visible. When his drug was stripped away, BAM, there they were. On one hand, he frustrates the hell out of me, his ADD, his insecurities, his emotional dependence on his parents, and his blame shifting. On the other hand, if all those traits vanish, would it be because he miraculously fixed everything? Or because he was back to his old ways? It still astonishes me that the man I know today could pull off so many secrets and lies without any obvious symptoms. He really believed his addiction was keeping him alive. I think he’s happier, overall, now, but he is very dysfunctional. We are all works in progress!
I recently cleaned my walk in closet and decided to be rid of some of the books that were cluttering the space. Books I knew I wouldn’t be reading again. We are lucky to have Powell’s City of Books here in Portland. It’s a magnificent place, the largest independent bookstore in the world. The store has nine huge themed rooms with 3500 sections and it takes up a whole city block. I honestly didn’t realize there are Yelp reviews for book stores, not sure why I didn’t, but Powell’s has over 4200 reviews with an average 5 star rating. That’s pretty amazing. Anyway, they purchase used books. Blue Eyes scanned all the bar codes on my books and emailed them to the store, and then the store responded with a list of books they would purchase, and the purchase amount. Now we just need to mail them the books (due to Covid, no direct drop offs), and they will credit our account.
Even though this whole Powell’s blurb feels irrelevant to my post, it isn’t. Of the 30 or so books that were scanned, Powell’s agreed to buy 9: my Hunger Games hardbacks, an old John Grisham novel, and ALL my books regarding sex addiction, every single one!
That says something to me, because other than the sex addiction books (and the classics I opted to keep), I read pretty mainstream stuff. Sex addiction books are in demand. This is not a new phenomenon, sex addiction. It’s merely a common addiction that is actually being recognized and with that recognition comes help!
Peace to all!