Seven years

Good Night Moon, 12/31/20

Today marks the 7th anniversary of the phone call. This day holds no specific or magnified trauma for me anymore. I don’t count backwards or forwards from January 11th anymore. I’m not sure how to define healing really. It’s true the path is not linear or smooth. Since the trauma symptoms were many, they didn’t all go away on one special day, nor, in fact, have they all gone away. Some had dissipated by the two-year mark, and it’s true, many had been worked through by the five year mark, so the 2-5 year healing period was not totally off for me, but I do still write about things that happen with Blue Eyes because he is still very much the same person he was all along and he has some seriously frustrating characteristics, sex addict, or not.

I still feel the remnants of the pain of betrayal. I know they will never leave me completely. I’m changed in many ways. I do see more clearly now. I’ve lost my innocence, especially that which existed alongside unconditional love. My commitment to my marital relationship used to be unconditional, or so I believed. Now I know there should always be conditions to that kind of love. No one, and I mean literally no one, deserves to be cheated on and lied to by their best friend. The weakness of others shouldn’t be able to destroy me, and it didn’t.

Betrayal trauma and specifically sexual addiction induced betrayal trauma and related post traumatic stress are very very real and debilitating. I started my journaling away from this blog, and then directly to this blog not to try to help others, but to try and ease my own burden. I found a beautiful community here and I will be forever grateful.

I have received comments by wives who have moved on from their cheaters, and are grateful for having done so, and I get that. I’ve also received comments by wives who read my blog, are still with their cheaters, and are concerned by my continuing issues with Blue Eyes, after so much time has passed, and I certainly get that too. The thing is, we are all flawed. Many of Blue Eyes flaws were medicated by his addiction. They weren’t obvious, or even visible. When his drug was stripped away, BAM, there they were. On one hand, he frustrates the hell out of me, his ADD, his insecurities, his emotional dependence on his parents, and his blame shifting. On the other hand, if all those traits vanish, would it be because he miraculously fixed everything? Or because he was back to his old ways? It still astonishes me that the man I know today could pull off so many secrets and lies without any obvious symptoms. He really believed his addiction was keeping him alive. I think he’s happier, overall, now, but he is very dysfunctional. We are all works in progress!

I recently cleaned my walk in closet and decided to be rid of some of the books that were cluttering the space. Books I knew I wouldn’t be reading again. We are lucky to have Powell’s City of Books here in Portland. It’s a magnificent place, the largest independent bookstore in the world. The store has nine huge themed rooms with 3500 sections and it takes up a whole city block. I honestly didn’t realize there are Yelp reviews for book stores, not sure why I didn’t, but Powell’s has over 4200 reviews with an average 5 star rating. That’s pretty amazing. Anyway, they purchase used books. Blue Eyes scanned all the bar codes on my books and emailed them to the store, and then the store responded with a list of books they would purchase, and the purchase amount. Now we just need to mail them the books (due to Covid, no direct drop offs), and they will credit our account.

Even though this whole Powell’s blurb feels irrelevant to my post, it isn’t. Of the 30 or so books that were scanned, Powell’s agreed to buy 9: my Hunger Games hardbacks, an old John Grisham novel, and ALL my books regarding sex addiction, every single one!

That says something to me, because other than the sex addiction books (and the classics I opted to keep), I read pretty mainstream stuff. Sex addiction books are in demand. This is not a new phenomenon, sex addiction. It’s merely a common addiction that is actually being recognized and with that recognition comes help!

Peace to all!

Welcome 2021! 🥂✨

16 thoughts on “Seven years

  1. “I don’t think my husband understands love the same way I do.” Yes, this. And I suppose that’s true for all couples; love is somewhat nebulous. Look at love and marriage from 1820 to 1920 to 2020.

    I personally don’t like the IAD stuff that still comes out – whether blame-shifting or lying. Yes, my husband lied this week (not about betrayal, but still.) I still struggle at times if he pushes my buttons, but I am also much better detaching and walking away from an unhealthy exchange (than before). We are all a work in progress for sure! I am having some real sleep challenges, so that wears me down.

    I haven’t felt like writing, but I do want to put up something on my blog. Soon. Miss you. Take care.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Thanks for the update. Tomorrow is my 42nd wedding anniversary and 5.5 years past D-day. My husband is “sober” like yours and still the same person with more awareness of his life and the pitfalls all around. I had to ask him tonight if he remembered what day tomorrow was because neither of us has brought it up. He said, “It’s our 42 anniversary.” His history prior to D-day was to share our Hawaii trip and then go find a couple of brothels or AMP to celebrate in his own way. Like you, the trauma is no longer in my body like it was. I also came to the conclusion that unconditional love was silly and I’ve paid the price. He has no idea how I’ve changed emotionally but our life is still fun and rewarding. He was never the man I thought he was. Now that his secret is out, he has to live with that till he dies. He can’t go back either. He wishes he could because he regrets his life and choices. He says he loves me more now than he ever did but what does he know about love and what that means? We are both a work in progress as you said. I got rid of all my SA books last summer too. I know enough to last a lifetime. Happy New Year

    Liked by 3 people

    • Happy Anniversary, Marie! I hope you are able to enjoy and appreciate on this day the effort you have made to make your marriage work under such dire circumstances. Yes, I agree, I don’t think my husband understands love the same way I do. The things he did were cruel, and however he justified it was cruel. But that period of our marriage is over. The healing has happened for me. I will move tentatively forward from here. My husband still has a lot of work to do.

      Happy 2021! As crazy as it has been so far, I see good things! ❤️

      Like

    • To be honest, SW, the books I got rid of did not help me much. A couple of the SA books were actually quite traumatizing (to me, but apparently not to others), one book that was picked up was the much maligned Anne Bercht book (not SA) “My husband’s affair became the best thing that ever happened to me.” A couple of the books did help me somewhat, but I just don’t need them anymore and won’t be reading them again, so why not let someone else get use out of them. These were my books, not my husband’s. I don’t need them anymore. I keep this blog around because it helped me most, out of that very dark place! 🤗

      Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you! I wish the same for you! Happy 2021! 🎉 I’m hoping our country settles down and starts healing itself soon. In the meantime, we continue to stay home and purge the unneeded clutter! I can’t believe 7 years have gone by. 🤗❤️

      Liked by 2 people

  3. Hi Kat! I think it’s awesome that this day no longer causes trauma and that you don’t think of time before or after January 11th. I completely understand regarding your healing as I too, thankfully, am in a very different place than I was nearly 2 & 1/2 years ago. I’m grateful for the progress that I’ve made in coming to terms with the devastation, heartbreak and trauma that my SA husband caused me. Grateful for my healing and for his recovery. Your blog has helped me SO much, as I’m sure it has helped many others who have had to endure this particular hell on earth, and I’m grateful for that. Thanks for sending me an invitation, that other page I was browsing from time to time was so negative, filled with bitterness, resentment and clearly the lady running it didn’t believe that a person could go into recovery, work a 12 step program and remain sober. Your blog has given me hope. 🙂

    I’ve been to Powell Bookstore in Portland a few times, it is truly a book lovers heaven and a facinating place.

    Wishing you a super 2021, filled with more personal growth and truckloads of happiness, love & health.

    Liked by 3 people

    • Thank you so much, Catherine! I’m not even sure how I stumbled on that other article, but I’m glad I did! 🤗 One of my tranquil activities in the past has been gathering a few landscaping/architecture books in Powell’s and heading to the World Cup Coffee shop in the corner of the store, hopefully grabbing a seat in front of one of the big windows and sipping a cup of hot chocolate (they have the best) while browsing the books. I love that they let you do that without buying! That little piece of heaven has temporarily gone by the wayside with covid. At 2 1/2 years, I hope you are starting to feel a bit more normal, for me the healing definitely improved from there. Much love back to you! ❤️

      Liked by 1 person

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