I know, it’s cliche, but Happy New Year y’all. Every year is filled with good and bad, happy and sad, births and deaths, love and hate, triumphs and tribulations. I’m wishing everyone more good than bad. All love, no hate. I’m hoping to continue learning valuable lessons about myself and continuing to grow more wise. I’ll continue to try and treat my mind and body with love and respect, at least as much as I am able. My challenge is always balancing my needs with those of the people around me. Keep reminding me, putting my needs first is not selfish, it’s the right thing to do.
I was “challenged” on Facebook to copy & paste the following. I don’t do that sort of thing. I really don’t care for Facebook actually. I keep it, I guess, because it allows me to see things about people that I might not normally get to see, like pictures of a friend’s baby, or my aunt’s new puppy. It would be difficult at this point to actually converse on the daily with the hundreds of people I care about, so Facebook and Instagram do serve a purpose for me.
Here’s the challenge…
“I have been on a journey for 40+ years (for me it would be 50+) with this woman…
I have allowed her to be broken.
I have allowed others to treat her disrespectfully.
I’ve seen her fall and STAND BACK UP SEVERAL TIMES and be a light for the world, and love others despite all of it.
She stood paralyzed by fear while she fought battles in her mind, heart, and soul.
This woman has made many bad decisions as a partner, mother, sister and as a friend.
She has trusted and believed in people who didn’t believe in her. She has loved people that didn’t care about her.
She has a smart mouth and a stubborn streak.
She has scars…
Some people love this woman, some like her, some don’t care for her at all and some hate her…..
She has done good in her life, and she has done not so good in her life.
Every mistake, failure, trial, disappointment, betrayal, success, joy, and achievement has made her into who she is today.
She’s not perfect. She struggles.
She is unstoppable, gracefully broken, but beautifully standing.
…and she will never stop learning, growing or moving forward…
she is me …….💗”
She is me, and you. She’s all of us. We’re all vulnerable. We all need love, and respect, and kindness, but most of all, we need to be kind to ourselves. Love ourselves. Take care of ourselves.
Peace out! ❤️
try not to cry on my rainbow 
I saw your Christmas Day’s post in my inbox. I thought, after almost 9 years will she go? Gosh I hope not. They’ve done so much work. They’ve learned so much, too. So maybe it really is “the process” and not simply the restoration that matters?
Then I saw your uplifting Cheers post and I thought, “Such a warrior! This woman has been to hell and back and she’s a Phoenix who has risen from the ashes of her former self. She’s a kintsugi bowl, cracked and lined with gold. I was pleased to read your positive post. It gave me hope.
I thought of you on January 11th and wondered if there’d be a post that day. I remember your DDay and Betrayedwife’sDDay. I haven’t seen a post from her in awhile, but saw she commented on your post. I wonder if they’ve made it to the other side, together. I realize you’ve both walked this journey for many years.
I’ve read of couples, like Vicki Tidwell Palmer, who went through 5 years of recovery then split. I was sorry to learn they didn’t make it. Then, I just read they’re going through the reconciliation process, again. This is such a crooked journey. So many challenges along the way. I thought, would you and Blue Eyes make it, together? Did betrayedwife? Will we?
We wives know, whether the work our SA spouses have done (are doing) has conquered their demons. No C-SAT needs to confirm what we know intuitively. Personally, I’ve seen my husband grow both spiritually and emotionally these past 2&1/2 years, but there’s still healing of deep wounds needed. He has to grieve his trauma and know it wasn’t him before he can comprehend the depth of hell he put me through and provide any significant degree of empathy. He needs to have feelings and be without shame, to get down and dirty and sit with someone in a hell hole. He’s getting there. Ahhhh “trusting the process” again.
My therapist, who I no longer need to see, once told me “Trust the process.” I remember telling her “Why? I’ve seen too many poor therapists. I’ve heard too many dysfunctional people who ignorantly stumble through 12-step groups looking for the panacea they never find. They never realize (like Dorothy in Oz) it was there all along. They just couldn’t find it because they were so blinded by their addiction and trauma. Their thinking was so far from rational that reality was unreachable. Why should I trust any process? Heck, professionals can’t even agree SA is real and how to treat it. Why should I trust? Look what trust has gotten me?! I trust God, not the process!”
It’s been 2&1/2 years since learning of my husbands’s SA. I’ve found support, a safe space, refuge, validation and clarity from your blog. I
thank you for courageously sharing. I wonder, 6&1/2 years from now will our D-Day come and go without a notice? On the one hand I pray so,
and on the other I don’t think we should ever forget. Best
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Thank you so much, Centered, for your thoughtful comment and insights, also for sharing a little of your journey. It’s so important to everyone in this community that we have a place to share, where we feel heard. Thank you!
Indeed, dday for me came and went without a thought. If not for your comment, I actually don’t know how long it would have been until I remembered that it just passed me by. We were busy, we left on the 11th for LA, then on the 12th for Tokyo. It really never entered my mind. That is such progress since Japan has been a huge trigger in the past. The only reason there has been discussion of separation, at all, the past few years, is because of other issues with Blue Eyes’ personality (not continued fallout from his SA) he’s hard to live with due to his ADD++, and now letting the poisonous parents back in. I can’t sit around and watch them continue to abuse him. It’s not healthy for either of us. Ironically, BE’s sister JUST texted us asking if we are going to see his parents (we’re currently back in LA). He has told her at least 3 times this month that he is no contact again. She just doesn’t understand. It’s exasperating, but minor compared to the thought of actually seeing them. So I just let it go.
I think you absolutely will get to that day when dday passes you by without a flicker. It’s really nice to get past the trauma associated with discovery and all the disclosures. No person is perfect. But as I have written, prior to discovery, my husband’s idiosyncrasies were a part of him. I loved the whole person. After discovery, it’s difficult to rationalize loving such a hurtful person and their baggage. I am getting back to that point, however, where everything he does isn’t exacerbated by all his bad acts. Time may not always keep our partnerships in tact, but it very much does bring clarity to the choices we make. We always needed to know the truth in order to make healthy decisions for ourselves.
We’ll never forget, but we will learn to manage within our own reality. I wish you a peaceful 2023! ❤️
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Love this. Happy New Year to you and yours!
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I hope 2023 is treating you well so far, Dave! Cheers!
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It is. Thanks!!
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Happy New Year!
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🙏🏼. Same. May 2023 bring good things! ❤️
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Thank you for this post! Love these parts so much:
“I’ve seen her fall and STAND BACK UP SEVERAL TIMES and be a light for the world, and love others despite all of it.”
“She is unstoppable, gracefully broken, but beautifully standing…and she will never stop learning, growing or moving forward…she is me.”
This is real, Kat. Cheers to another year of shining.
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Happy New Year to you! ✨💛
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Great post Kat ❤️
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🙏🏼❤️
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