I’m struggling with a sinus infection. I would like to be out in the garden planting my newly procured veggie starts, however, they will just have to wait a couple more days.

The Peacemaker and I returned Sunday night from a month+ at our house in Ojai. This winter, Southern California ended its recent drought with more rain in two months than Portland gets in a year. The Ojai laundry room flooded. We knew it was a problem area, but no rain (for basically years) meant no leaking. The previous owners had planned and started to execute an addition, but neglected to get any permits, which prompted the next door neighbor to call the county on them. They ended up slapping on a wall, and we knew all this… Anyway, all the nice little improvements we made, pergo floors, new paint, etc… were all for nought. A full re-do of the laundry room was in order. I’m severely allergic to dust and mold and well, let’s just say my sinuses struggled the entire time I was down there, culminating in a monstrous sinus/ear infection, which I am still trying to shake.

Even chronic sinus issues, however, could not dampen my love for Ojai and our little mid-century bungalow.

Not so endearing an experience was my first time as a landlord. When I left the house last June, everything was immaculate. Since we had intended for the house to be an airbnb, it was fully furnished and fully stocked. The beds were made, the bathrooms stocked, I even had flowers in the vases. I mentioned to the renter that we hadn’t had time to put a lock on the supply cabinet, so please just leave it be. We had some tools in there as well as basic supplies: shampoo, conditioner, soap, laundry detergent, etc… for at least 6 months. There’s a studio out back of the house where we were storing other items, some personal, some paint & supplies. We had never intended to include the studio, but she begged as she wanted to be able to use it if family visited. I very begrudgingly said okay, and I carefully stacked all our personal items in one corner.

Her lease was for six months, July through December. She asked to extend through February. I agreed. She eventually moved out the first week of March and later in March, we made our way down to Ojai. The last couple months the renter did quite a bit of complaining. She didn’t understand with ALL THE MONEY she was paying us, why we couldn’t fix the electronic gates out front. She complained about the laundry room, but didn’t want anyone at the house while she was there. Her rent was inclusive of utilities (my BIG mistake), and she ran up the utilities to exorbitant amounts. Like $750 gas, $500 electric, for a 1500 square foot house! In one month! 😮

Anyhoo… we arrived at the house at 10pm on a Saturday night and I honestly couldn’t believe my eyes. The house was filthy, the beds were stripped, bedding and pillows missing, the supply cabinet was wiped out and there wasn’t a paper product to be found. After a quick run to the grocery store for TP, we found our son rummaging through every cabinet trying to find the internet router. I had installed the highest quality internet available in the area because we work from the house/studio. It was installed in a room where the studio would get full service. She had the router moved to the attic. To say our son wasn’t happy, well… 🤦🏻‍♀️ He also noticed all his brand new drill bits were rusted. What?

The next day I found our personal belongings from the studio outside where they had been rained on all winter. Ruined. The woman also took books & decorative pillows and some kitchen items with her. It had only been 8 months and yet the wear and tear on the house in general and the kitchen specifically looked like she’d been there 8 years!

Thankfully we had a month’s rent on deposit and I started making a list of everything taken and everything damaged. I’d just compiled expenses for our accountants, so my memory was fresh. I told her I would refund her once I had deducted everything.

One of my favorite people in Ojai is my real estate agent. She and her mom were at one of their listings that next afternoon, so I went to say hi! The mom had been the one who had introduced me to the renter, and my agent had written the lease. They didn’t make a dime on the lease transaction, but were led to believe that the renter wanted to purchase in Ojai, so they helped. Shortly after moving into our house, however, the renter blew off these agents and found another, but never did buy, and now, interest rates! Oy! Good luck with that.

While I was sitting there with these lovely women, the renter left a message with my agent’s mom (the one she blew off) saying what a bad landlord I was!!! We all had a good laugh. This woman is actually a wealthy, entitled user who hasn’t a clue and Ojai is a very small town. No more renters for me for a while!

So back to what I had intended to write about in the first place. Last night I was watching a program and it included physical spousal abuse. The woman was making excuses for why her husband had hit her. She was sort of begging her friend not to tell anyone. He’d been angry, she’d got in the way, as if abuse was just part of the deal, of being married, of loving someone. Which got me thinking. Before discovery of my husband’s secret life, I think I would have been surprised by the reaction of this educated, driven woman. How could she allow such abuse to continue, especially when she had the means, the ability, to walk away. How could that be love?

Now I know different. I know that until we are faced with that set of circumstances, abuse, we have no idea what we’ll do. I consider what my husband did to me, abuse. Even though he may not feel like he did anything TO me, he did. He lied and cheated, broke trust and said and did things that hurt to my core. His actions caused me to question myself and my worth. Everyone has a reason for being abusive. Not a good or legitimate reason, but some excuse. Blue Eyes likewise had his reasons. But to me, there is no way I would have believed him capable of what he did, or me capable of loving someone who could be so cruel. And if he didn’t realize what he was doing was cruel, THAT’s cruel! How could any of this be love?

It’s true I’m a compassionate and forgiving person, but even I didn’t realize I was this forgiving. We think we know ourselves and how we will react to any given situation. I’m a mature adult who has always been practical, and a caregiver. But trauma sent me into a spiral that had me self harming and dissociating on a daily basis. There’s no way that’s me? But it is. At least it was, under those specific circumstances. And I have no regrets. That is one thing that has remained constant with me. I respect my own choices and I ALWAYS have choices. How I feel about myself and how I treat myself will always be far more important than how others treat me. Maybe the biggest lesson I have learned in this process with my husband is that I am a work in progress. It was idealistic of me to think my husband wouldn’t hurt me. This isn’t Fantasyland. Life hurts, some days. Thankfully the really hard days are behind me, mainly because I’ve discovered just how strong I really am, no matter what!