My Story

January 11, 2014

The story in my head plays out. I am a happily married 50-year old woman with two amazing and mostly grown sons. My husband and I have been best friends and partners for 30 years. We share everything. We are passionate, loving, kind, and show each other mutual respect, until I realize, one of us isn’t living the same story. I receive a heartbreaking phone call. The truth is revealed. Within days my husband is diagnosed as a sex addict and I find myself suffering from complex PTSD as my new story includes years of lies and betrayal. Suddenly I am living a nightmare. I fear I cannot survive. Someone please wake me, soon. This is my story.

 

 

37 thoughts on “My Story”

  1. Hi, Kat. I have been following your blog since last October and finally decided to make one for myself. I won’t pretend to understand your pain. I am nineteen and have never been married. However, I have dated two porn addicts long term and have been cheated on in the past. It is heartbreaking and instills cynical habits for future relationships… it makes me sad and enraged those lying assholes still manage to have an affect on the good things I have now. Your blog inspired me to make my own, and to write about my healing process. I check your blog regularly, and you inspire me so much.

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    • Hi middlebird. Thanks for commenting and for your kind words. Welcome to the blogging world. I have learned that the pain we feel from betrayal, whether long term relationship, or short, married, or not, affairs or porn, it all hurts badly. No need to minimize your pain. I hope your blog is a healing place for you as mine has been for me. Big hugs and lots of love.

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    • Thank you so much for your comment. Sorry I didn’t respond sooner. I have been offline for a while taking care of myself. I know how painful this first stage of discovery and healing can be. Big hugs! I’ll check out your story. xo

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  4. So glad to have come across your site. I also am a wife of a sex addict, with both of us in recovery for just over two years now. I am looking forward to digging deeper into past posts. Thank you for sharing your journey.

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    • Welcome, Cynthia. I tried recently going back and reading my early posts. *sigh* I’m happy where we are right now at 3+ years of recovery and healing. Pretty sure I didn’t think I’d get to this place. It takes two to make it work, always! Peace to you and your husband! xx

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  5. My day was July 12 2016. I am 2 months and a week into this life that still feels completely foreign. I lost myself. My husband is successful and lived an extremely self centered life. My rational brain realizes he has a serious problem and I feel such empathy that I can’t leave. I also think I still love him and want so badly to see him come out of this and “feel” life. Then there is the little girl in me who feels so sad and betrayed and ugly and unloved. This is so difficult. I read a lot of Buddha inspired books and thought I had a grasp the on who I wanted to be in this world. It feels deconstructed now. And how could I be with someone who truly had no compassion for others? It’s all confusing. I have seen a couple counselors and am planning on attending a wives group this week but I am hesitant because I don’t feel like a victim completely and I’m afraid this could keep me down…. Just want to feel like a little bit of me again. Your life will never be as it was but are you truly happy now?

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    • Welcome, Joni. First, I’m sorry you have to live this pain too. I hope your husband is on a recovery path and that you are being kind to yourself. Use your instincts when it comes to therapy, groups, etc… I learned the hard way. They don’t all work out well, but when they do, it feels good. Healing is a slow torturous process, but it is possible to come out the other side, with or without your husband. I do know intimately what it feels like to want to come out with them. I can say that now, today, 32 months from discovery… yes, I am happy. I’m happy with my progress, I’m happy with his progress, and I love my life again. Those bits of you that you are missing, they will come back. ♥️

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  6. I just wanted to reach out and say thank you for your blog. My own d-day was December 9, 2015 – one month and ten days ago. Most of what I’ve found out there is overwhelmingly negative; the pervading message seems to be run, as far and as fast as you can. I don’t know if my relationship can be saved. I don’t even know if I want it to be saved, but reading your words is like a balm to my soul, and gives me some small measure of hope that there can be a way out of this, as individuals, and as a couple.

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    • Sillara. I am so sorry you are going through this and I know exactly what you mean by “most of what I’ve found out there is overwhelmingly negative… ” When I perused the forums and other websites, there was a lot of negative energy. Same with the wive’s of sex addict group. I needed something to believe in, so I stayed present in my own relationship with my husband as much as I could realizing we were two unique individuals and my husband wasn’t someone else’s husband, etc… It was incredibly difficult those first few months believing in anything anymore. But, I tried to stay present (sometimes I failed miserably) but in the end (well, at least to this point… I don’t think there is an end to this) I did believe in my husband. I believed he wanted to change. I believed the acting out behaviors were not him trying to replace his life with me, but him trying to cope with his life. Once my husband found his 12 step group, and there were many success stories in there, I felt a littler better. He felt better too knowing there were men who had succeeded and wives who had stayed. I stay very far away from the forums. I like blogs because they are individual stories of people usually talking it out. Some partnerships work, some don’t. I am not going to pretend that the naysayers are all just bitter or wrong. Sometimes the addicts don’t recover. BUT, from what we have witnessed first hand, a lot do heal and recover. And there is absolutely no reason you cannot recover, with or without him. I feel very close to the blogging community even though each story is unique and there isn’t one exactly like mine, there is hope and honesty and love and compassion. Thanks for reading my blog. ❤

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  8. I just wanted to say that I really admire you, and think you are very strong. I admire the fact that you are in therapy, your husband is in therapy, and you are working together for your marriage. I feel like a lot of people wouldn’t do that these days. It’s awesome that you are. It makes me think that the mis-steps in the relationship between my hubby and I can certainly be worked out, and that I would be a coward not to try, after reading what you have been through. Anyways, I just wanted to say I think you are amazing for sticking with your husband. 🙂

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    • Alice, thank you so much for your kind comments. I read your blog with great interest, but I hesitate to comment because even though I feel like I can understand, I have not lived in your pain, and I don’t feel competent at commenting other than saying I think you are doing an amazing job of managing your life. I have my own very recent pain, and it is traumatic, but certainly not the same. My sister has borderline personality disorder, was sexually abused more than once as a child, PTSD nearly her whole life, she has bipolar tendencies as well, and addiction issues. She used to abuse over the counter medication, now it is prescription meds. She was diagnosed about 15 years ago when she was 30. I feel so much pain watching her. She does go to therapy regularly and is heavily medicated. She is a cutter, chews her fingers obsessively, until they are raw, and has been anorexic and bulimic. She has never been married and never had children. But, somehow she finds her own happiness (she loves country music). I am very proud of her. I also have a sister in law who has a beautiful 8 year old daughter, but my sister in law was also sexually molested as a child and she suffers from chronic depression. Raising a child with depression must be so difficult. I am hopeful that my trauma can be managed. Therapy and my husband’s continued recovery are crucial. Your post about your husband’s separation anxiety made me cry. My husband also suffers so deeply from his childhood, including separation anxiety. Now that he doesn’t have his addiction to fall back on, he is raw and all his anxieties from childhood are apparent. So sad to think about all of the innocent victims. You are so strong, and now being strong for your husband too. I admire you!

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      • Thank you, so much. I think that if someone has suffered trauma (no matter the cause), we can understand each other because we speak the language of PTSD– nightmares, flashbacks, hypervigilance, panic attacks, fear, ext. So, I believe they you can empathize with me, and I with you, even of our traumas aren’t the same.

        My mother in law is most certainly a narcissist personality disorder, or something similar. It’s always about her, all the time. In fact, I’m surprised my Hubby has managed to be as “normal” as he is. Mostly, though, I’m just really, really grateful that we somehow, against all the odds, have the type of relationship where we will keep fighting for eachother, and our marriage.

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        • Thank you, Alice. I hope you always have each other to weather the storm with. It sounds like you both bring each other great happiness. I understand your “need” to push people away… my sister has had many relationships where she did, actually push them away. She has settled in now with a nice man that wants to take care of her and she is letting him. That is huge progress for her. I will keep fighting for my husband as long as I feel safe. The PTSD has opened my eyes to the suffering of others. Not that I didn’t believe their suffering was real, I knew it was, I just didn’t understand the magnitude of it all and that there are times we cannot control our minds, we must just manage the situations. I hate when I feel myself falling away, dissociating. I know it is happening and I don’t want to do it, but it is now my protection from the world and what it has brought me. I am healing. I see you are too. Hugs to you.

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  9. I have recommend this book for more than just sex addiction because it addresses PTSD as a very real issue in affairs. If you have seen it on my blog or elsewhere, I apologize for the repeat information. The two authors have been wives in your situation and are counseling professionals. If you have not read it, I encourage you to do so, because unlike so many others, It is written for the victims, not the addicts.

    http://www.amazon.com/Your-Sexually-Addicted-Spouse-Partners-ebook/dp/B0041FJ80S/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1416115528&sr=8-1&keywords=the+sexually+addicted+spouse

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        • The first time I read it, it was incredibly difficult as the stories are so heartbreaking. I had to put it down numerous times. Sometimes it prompted some serious crying spells. Further along in my healing, it is more helpful. My only complaint is regarding how much of the book is spent comparing co-dependency to trauma. Since I do not really relate personally to the co-dependent model (although I do believe we all have some co-dependent characteristics), I really wanted them to just explain the trauma model. They spent a lot of time validating the trauma model, which got a little tedious for me. I realize they are forging a new path, so on a macro level, I get it. Just not as helpful to me to spend so much time downplaying the co-dependent model. I believe there is a place for both. I was in a support group for wive’s of sex addicts where everyone but me associated with the co-dependent model and I believe they were doing that for the right reasons. S-Anon was very helpful to them. I was the odd person out. I ended up going the intensive trauma therapy route. I was blindsided by my husband’s behavior and diagnosis. I wish there was more recent material out there since sex addiction is a real addiction plaguing so many. Hopefully in time, sex addicts will realize they are not alone and get the help they need, earlier. But as a society we need to acknowledge it is real and remove some of the shame, or in the case of male sex addicts, stop making excuses for the behavior.

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          • “I wish there was more recent material out there since sex addiction is a real addiction plaguing so many. Hopefully in time, sex addicts will realize they are not alone and get the help they need, earlier. But as a society we need to acknowledge it is real and remove some of the shame,”

            You sound like your therapy has given you some insight, understanding and compassion,

            But then

            “or in the case of male sex addicts, stop making excuses for the behavior.”

            Which sounds like somewhat less compassion.

            I don’t think that is your attitude, so what am I missing, misinterpreting or misreading with that last sentence?

            Are you saying we are currently treating it as bad behavior that is often motivated by or attributed to relationship issues and not treating it as a true emotional and physical addiction. I say physical because of the role certain hormones associated with drug addiction play in sexual pleasure.

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            • Sorry, I am speaking more about “society” making excuses for the behavior, not from a therapy point of view. I think a lot of cheaters/sex addicts never make it to therapy because they rationalize behavior based on societal norms. Boys will be boys, is monogamy really practical, etc… I believe it is difficult for men to reach out and ask for help for something that is being validated by the media, and potentially validated by their friends and family. And there does seem to be a general theme that the wife needs to take some blame. Not enough sex, not listening to him enough, not fulfilling his needs (this would certainly appear to be the running mantra of many mistresses as well). In my opinion, these are people who not only do not understand sex addiction, but they do not understand betrayal. I understand, if they have not dealt with it in their lives, they do not get it. My sister-in-law expressed her concern that we never tell their parents. That they would only blame me, which is true, and it is truly unhelpful. I am very compassionate when it comes to the men (and women) and the source of their pain and I acknowledge the physical aspects of addiction. I am just not too happy about the general ignorance of the world we live in in terms of the destructive results of objectifying women and also denying an illness. We are still early on this recovery path, so things are quite raw and I am a talker. Thanks for listening and recommending the book. If you think there is anything else out there of value to me, please send it on.

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  10. People, even ones you are so sure you know, are full of surprises and are so hard to truly know. Worse, we self-delude at every turn of a corner of living. You are not alone, if that helps, in an imploding narrative that you pledged your life to jarring you to the bone. After 30 years of marriage, my husband admitted he was gay. Even an ostrich could have seen that coming, but I chose not to. Sometimes brain shock therapy does the trick, though. You sink, rise and continue.

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    • Wow. Your comment gave me the chills. I enjoy your blog a great deal, by the way. My sister’s loving and gentle husband of twelve years, father to their child, came home one day and not only told her he was gay, but that he had been cheating on her with someone from work, for “a while.” At first I felt sad for him that he had lived a lie for so many years, until he decided to sue for sole custody of their child because his “boyfriend wanted a family, and not a part time family.” He fought hard and dirty, but really? He brought my sister to her knees, but she did rise. He was the liar and cheater all along. It was pretty obvious who the more stable parent was. The difficult part for my sister was giving up what she thought was a loving marriage with a man who, she thought, cherished her. Where do they learn to lie so adeptly? In the case of my husband, he was trained by his parents. His disclosures have been so shocking to me, I wouldn’t be surprised if he came home tomorrow and told me he was gay. At this point, I wouldn’t be surprised by anything. So sad.

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  12. Hi KitKat, thanks for following my blog. I hope it helps some, if nothing else than to let you know you are not alone. I have now read from your 1st journal entry through I beleive either January 14th or 16th of your blog and hope to be caught up soon. Sadly I know the indescribable pain and craziness your going through.

    I know the feelings of not only having your world ripped out from under you by infidelity, but also to learn that your entire world is not what it seemed. I know the PTSD and I’m still learning my way through the sex addictions. It’s all very difficult… at times I want to cry and bury myself in the sand, and others I feel fresh and rejuvinated, with a new sense of hope.

    I’d like to believe there’s a positive for us at the end of this dark tunnel. H, like your husband is my best friend as well. We’ve made it throguh so muchin our 23 years. I know he understands and it sounds (so far) as though your husband does too, the depths of pain they have caused simply because they are now being so open and honest. There willingness to painfully do so is proof– we are loved by them, in their own crazy mixed up ways. And it is because of that, I beleive we will get through whether together or apart.

    It is a tough battle, fighting with yourself, your beliefs, and watching your husband suffer in pain knowing if he could take it all back he would. Should our marriages ever cease to exist, I don’t beleive they will end in hate for those reasons above.

    I do wish you strength, peace and hope through this journey for yourself and your husband. If I can ever help, just ask. xoxo

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    • Thanks so much for your kind thoughts and encouragement. We have been through 10 months of hell, so far. I agree with what you say. I want him to reach his recovery goals, but I am in pain and impatient. I hate the fact that EVERYTHING is different now. They say it can be better, but I really did love our life before. Even though a lot of it was a facade, I was happy. I am trying to get some of that happiness back. The blogging and the blog community are helping. *hugs* to you!

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