I pretty much agree with the above and realizing hindsight is 20/20, I have to say before dday I trusted Blue Eyes with what I consider the big stuff… I trusted he would be faithful, and be there for me when I was going through a hard time, sorta, generally help with the kids, house, etc… if I asked him to. I thought we had an emotionally safe relationship, and I really had no boundaries, apparently. So who compromised and gave more to the relationship, objectively and unequivocally, ME!
I was seemingly ignorant to what I should have expected from our partnership because Blue Eyes never helped with the finances, or most household decisions. Even though I worked, his career was his passion so I stepped aside and handled the more mundane issues, which in retrospect are pretty fucking important. I can count on one hand the times he picked the kids up from school, or the bus stop, and he was always late doing so.
For sure I thought Blue Eyes had my back when I was sick. There was the time I had the snorkeling accident just before my 50th birthday, and dday, with an infected coral wound and I was basically bedridden. He was very attentive, and looking back he was most likely trying to strengthen our relationship before the bomb dropped. Because there were many times over the years that he wasn’t there. Like the time I had bronchial pneumonia when the kids were toddlers and he went on an 11 day trip to Asia. Or the time I had a lump in my breast and during the removal procedure he just had to be in Silicon Valley with the other woman, I mean at important business meetings.
Prior to discovery, my emotional well being was my responsibility. I am a very independent person. Post that horrible phone call I felt like I was being punished for my personality, for being that person that blindly allowed my partner to repeatedly lie and betray me. Sad thing is, Blue Eyes was never strong enough to handle his own emotions, much less meet me half way on mine. I don’t want to be that person that is SO STRONG, others feel like they can take advantage. Fuck em. I’m slowly releasing those feelings of responsibility for the needy ones in my life.
Oh, and that one that says, “Do you choose me over your family, friends, and colleagues?” Well that’s a BIG FAT FAILURE on Blue Eyes’ part. It was before discovery and still is today and this is still a potential deal breaker. For me this is not necessarily trust, but plain old respect. Why would someone choose anyone over their devoted partner? I’m just not sure.
After 40 years together, and nearly 36 years of marriage, what have I learned about trust (as it relates to the words above)?
I don’t honestly know.
try not to cry on my rainbow 
I’m very sorry to read these last few posts. You deserve a husband who has fully embraced the deep dive work. He’s the guy who crawled on broken glass, on his hands and knees to show you how incredibly dastardly he knows what he did has done to you. He sits with you in your pain and oozes empathetic understanding. You know, without question, he has your back because he’s repeatedly shown you. He clearly has not done the deep-dive work.
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He’s done and continues to do what he is capable of. I can’t change him and I am still learning to live in my reality. I could leave, but I appreciate what I have and temper my expectations on the daily. Yes he did horrible things when actively in his addiction. No question. I think if he lived in that pain every day, it would cripple him. I don’t expect him to. One thing that still lingers is his insecurity with me… he’s a bit like a child who asks for permission or is worried he’s not good enough or never can do anything right. That definitely comes from childhood wounds, not from me. That is something he needs to deal with on his own, maybe more therapy? I could put my foot down and say you must do this, or you must do that, for me to stay, but I don’t want to. Early on he met all the boundaries I set for him and our relationship and he has remained sexually sober for 11+ years, but it’s true, addiction is bigger than the drug they partook in. To me, it’s more about his wounds that drove him to the selfish addictive behaviors in the first place. Some of those are still there and are his to master. I’m doing okay, just trying to live in my reality and this is a good place for me to write it out! Thanks for sticking with me.
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Hi again Kat,
You nailed, because you know.
“….That definitely comes from childhood wounds, not from me. (Yep, he’s got a MAJOR mother wound-and no wonder) That is something he needs to deal with on his own, maybe more therapy? (The right therapy could definitely help) I could put my foot down and say you must do this, or you must do that, for me to stay, but I don’t want to. (It’s always unfortunate when it comes to the need for a firm boundary or an ultimatum) Early on he met all the boundaries I set for him and our relationship and he has remained sexually sober for 11+ years, but it’s true, addiction is bigger than the drug they partook in. To me, it’s more about his wounds..(That’s also absolutely correct, but like I said, you know that).
Only you can decide what you want/need and what you can tolerate. For me, when I saw things slowly slip down the tubes (Late onset addiction due to life challenges, triggered by childhood wounds) I saw drinking, avoidance, stonewalling, gaslighting, defensiveness- many “acting in” behaviors, not realizing the other part of the cycle. I suggested therapy, couples counseling, etc., but you can lead a horse to water…Anyhow, now I won’t settle. I want/need/deserve a partner who shows up, doesn’t avoid (act in) and can stand in a place of emotional activation and self-regulate. I want a partner who can communicate with honesty and handle another person’s response. Only you know what you can settle with.
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I absolutely agree, Centered. We each need to make those excruciatingly difficult decisions for ourselves and there are so many factors that play in. There is no question that there are only so many compromises we can make to our own happiness. I’ve thought long and hard about what is his baggage and what are my needs and I’ve made serious concessions because some of his behaviors aren’t deal breakers now that I have healed from the trauma. My main question for myself is “would I be happier living separately from him.” The answer right now is no. And that answer has become stronger, not weaker over the past couple years. The prior betrayal exacerbates the marital issues, but many of the issues I still face, are ones I faced before discovery, but they didn’t mean as much before. Now I’m older, and more tired and I view the couple-ship differently. I don’t need (or want) him by my side all the time, but I do need respect and communication, both of which are a work in progress. Sometimes I do feel like I make excuses for him. I guess at this point I still think he’s worth the effort. Know that I do totally understand where you are coming from.
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