I used to call them triggers and they inevitably caused me tremendous suffering. Triggers were everywhere, literal memories of "the phone call" or buried feelings of being emotionally abandoned by my husband, or conjured visions derived from the fallout of Blue Eyes' sex addicted behavior. Now, the triggers have slowly morphed into memories that no … Continue reading Memories
Sex Addict
Whenever I read, in a story, an article or a blog entry or wherever, that a person has self-diagnosed as a sex addict after being caught cheating, because theoretically it's a good excuse for bad behavior, I sigh. Whenever I hear someone call someone else a sex addict because the target of hate and disdain … Continue reading Sex Addict
Beyond sobriety
Sometimes talking things out is the best way through, and I'm always grateful for this blog. This entry has been sitting here for a while because I started this post and then abandoned it. Some days, weeks, months, I don't feel like putting my thoughts into words. I guess I would call it a slump. … Continue reading Beyond sobriety
I knew it wasn’t perfect
It was Sunday morning of this past holiday weekend and I was triggered by something, I don't quite remember. It wasn't so much debilitating as it was distracting. Those feelings of not knowing, of my instincts being totally off, for years. Of him telling me about Ashley, the first, how she had worked years before … Continue reading I knew it wasn’t perfect
Thoughts for today
I knew it wasn't perfect Not me, not you. Our faults were written all over our faces, and on every wall and in all the spaces. Me, always too much. Always the first and last to speak and share. The one with all the words, the one who never shuts down and always cares. You, … Continue reading Thoughts for today
Strong a.f.
I’m currently on a plane to San Francisco to spend a long weekend with Blue Eyes, being touristy. We’ve been to the Bay Area dozens of times, Blue Eyes was actually born just outside the city, but this time I wanted to do a couple walking tours, Chinatown and Little Italy... some history, some food, … Continue reading Strong a.f.
Pretty things
Started Friday evening. Completed Sunday afternoon. I was away from home for six weeks, and away from Blue Eyes for 4 1/2 weeks. I've returned home and have been here now for exactly 44 hours. Blue Eyes couldn't wait for me to get home, he missed me so much, that's what he said. Today he … Continue reading Pretty things
Moving on
Street Art at Wynwood Walls, Miami Disclaimer: I wrote this post as the third in the trilogy of 'I woke up to nothing' posts. I'm over those feelings now, but March included a couple of really difficult weeks. The sadness even spilled over into our business trip to Paris, but again, I'm doing better. I'm … Continue reading Moving on
I woke up to nothing, part two
The next message Blue Eyes sent early Tuesday morning went like this: Been thinking of going to beach house Friday through Sunday or Monday morning are you up for it? What do you think? Ironically, one of the only "conversations" we had had the night before involved me telling Blue Eyes that our son and … Continue reading I woke up to nothing, part two
I woke up to nothing, part one
Jack Kornfield said, “At the end of life, our questions are very simple: Did I live fully? Did I love well?” I've always held my husband completely accountable for all the lies, all the cheating, all the betrayal. Forgiveness came fairly easy to me (perhaps too easy). I don't hold hate and resentment in my … Continue reading I woke up to nothing, part one
