We found out early Friday morning that my dad is in critical condition, in the ICU up north near his home in Washington State. He's 77 years old. He’d been in some abdominal pain for a few days, which then became severe, and he asked my step mom to call an ambulance because he literally … Continue reading Too soon to say goodbye
childhood
Barbies
When I was a little girl my Grandma worked at a Veterans of America thrift shop in Southeast Portland. The store was walking distance to my Grandparent's house (the one where I would garden with my Grandpa John on warm summer days). Grandma Elsie had a cute little tan miniature poodle named Tina that she … Continue reading Barbies
A Girl’s Garden
A Girl’s Garden Robert Frost (from Mountain Interval, 1920) A neighbor of mine in the village Likes to tell how one spring When she was a girl on the farm, she did A childlike thing. One day she asked her father To give her a garden plot To plant and tend and reap herself, And … Continue reading A Girl’s Garden
On being an addict
Below is an old blog post Blue Eyes wrote while he was working on his fourth step. I thought I had read everything on his blog, but somehow I missed this. Honestly, I think this post speaks so very clearly to his struggle with being an addict. It was extremely difficult for me to read because as he said the same things over and over, the same concepts, the same fears, I could literally feel his emotions rising up in my own chest. I could feel the tenseness and anxiety. I could feel the fear. In my opinion he has made great strides since he wrote this post. I can see the progress. As two flawed people, we continue to work this path together.
Incoherent Thoughts on Fear
My therapist thought it would be a good idea for me to journal about Fear and specifically as it relates to Women, my mother, the last acting out partner, and my soulmate. Of course I have been in fear about writing this and naturally put it off until I could not take it anymore…
Women in General – because of the relationship with my mom I definitely was uncomfortable and feared woman. I did not know how to have a normal relationship with a woman. I was always latching on, moving to quickly, sexually tilted craving relationships, I would scare woman away. I think I did this because I did not feel worthy and was trying to put a bandage on this huge wound of abandonment. I can remember rejecting girls and later women that had interest in me because I just was afraid and scared…
View original post 2,411 more words
Here we go again
Anger is often called a secondary emotion because we tend to resort to anger in order to protect ourselves from or cover up other vulnerable feelings. A primary feeling is what is felt immediately before we feel anger. We almost always feel something else first before we get angry. We might first feel afraid, attacked, offended, disrespected, … Continue reading Here we go again
Holiday Treats
Just like anyone else who celebrates, I have lots and lots of memories and feelings surrounding the Christmas holiday. As I have discussed, religion is all over the place in my family. First, my parents are Christian. They were married in a Christian church (even though they have no idea what kind of Christian church, it … Continue reading Holiday Treats
I did it
I made it through that fucking colonoscopy like a champion. Ha, I am patting myself on the back, obviously, for something thousands of people do every single day without complaining. A routine procedure, if you will. The thing is though, I never realized before how toxic trauma can really be. I never realized simple fears could … Continue reading I did it
try not to cry on my rainbow 