It seems to me that ever since I wrote the post about Control and the photo of the other woman, I have felt a weird vibe here on the old blog. First let me get this off my chest. My husband has his own path. He is a recovering sex addict. His recovery includes counseling, … Continue reading Did I forget to say how great my husband is?
For Blue Eyes, part of his addiction is clearly about control. As a child, he was under the strict and harsh command of his narcissistic and abusive mother. She belittled him and chided him and rode his ass day and night. He could never do anything right. Failure was right around the corner for him … Continue reading Control
Although my husband is a diagnosed sex addict, he is also a cheater. When I first found out about his cheating, I had no idea he was a sex addict or that such a thing was even real. There were a lot of revelations on his part over those first few days, and an obvious … Continue reading Betrayal doesn’t define me
The reason I know I cannot change my husband, I cannot make him better, I cannot heal him in any way, is because I have been here all along. If it was my job to heal him, I would have done it already. If my presence was enough to make him the man he wants … Continue reading We all need a path out
We are recently home from paradise. I returned from my six weeks of healthful living in North Carolina, spent one week at home seeing my own doctor and signing up for a local wellness center that offers all the fun classes I will want to take in order to preserve the exercise portion of my healthy lifestyle, … Continue reading It still hurts
Another long holiday weekend in the US has come and gone. For the past couple years I have been avoiding large get togethers with my family up north... I would call them the Mormon family, but many of them are no longer Mormon. At this point six of my father's nine children are not LDS. My … Continue reading I’m not good enough
In a hotel room in Paris, I sat bolt upright in bed and gripped my left forearm with my right hand. There was a searing pain there on my arm. Whoa, I thought what the heck is going on. I know I had been having a nightmare, I was sweaty and disoriented, but I couldn't … Continue reading A forever reminder
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kI0Zye_ewPE I am still sick about the untimely death of Prince. As details emerge, it brings back a lot of the feelings from Michael Jackson's death and the pain and suffering of so many other talented musicians, and actors who died too young, it would seem, from merely trying to medicate their pain. Prince, Whitney … Continue reading There’s a cost to all the pain
Below is an old blog post Blue Eyes wrote while he was working on his fourth step. I thought I had read everything on his blog, but somehow I missed this. Honestly, I think this post speaks so very clearly to his struggle with being an addict. It was extremely difficult for me to read because as he said the same things over and over, the same concepts, the same fears, I could literally feel his emotions rising up in my own chest. I could feel the tenseness and anxiety. I could feel the fear. In my opinion he has made great strides since he wrote this post. I can see the progress. As two flawed people, we continue to work this path together.
My therapist thought it would be a good idea for me to journal about Fear and specifically as it relates to Women, my mother, the last acting out partner, and my soulmate. Of course I have been in fear about writing this and naturally put it off until I could not take it anymore…
Women in General – because of the relationship with my mom I definitely was uncomfortable and feared woman. I did not know how to have a normal relationship with a woman. I was always latching on, moving to quickly, sexually tilted craving relationships, I would scare woman away. I think I did this because I did not feel worthy and was trying to put a bandage on this huge wound of abandonment. I can remember rejecting girls and later women that had interest in me because I just was afraid and scared…
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When I think back to how things used to be, with Blue Eyes, it is difficult to remove the umbrella of pain and sadness and trauma that seems to hover over those memories. If I dig deep though, I know what we had was pretty great in the scheme of things. We had a long term loving relationship. … Continue reading “The only winning move is not to play.”