We are all just players in his game

Journal Entry: January 12, 2015

Logging in and out of WordPress in Japanese, it’s pretty cool.

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Living with a recovering sex addict really sucks. I can see them all, all the personalities that reside in him and represent the healthy and unhealthy bits. He cannot see them, or feel them. He is working on it, but it is a slow and painful process. The self-awareness that allows him to innately understand an emotion and why he exhibits it at any one point in time, it’s missing. I can see his moods staring back at me as if from reflections in a pile of broken glass. There he is the grandstander, the show off, the guy who likes to make everyone laugh, the center of everyone’s attention, the salesman. The salesman is covering up for the little boy who feels lost and alone and unloved. There is the predator, the man who feels entitled to sex with women who are too broken to know he is abusing them, and then the deceiver, the man who believes he will never get caught. The deceiver is falsely arrogant and adept at compartmentalizing. The procrastinator is the guy who puts everything off because he resents being put on a schedule or feeling like he is being told what to do. Most of these personalities derive from and are a reflection of the neglect and abuse Blue Eyes suffered in childhood. Much of his behavior and the underlying insecurities I could clearly see, even before discovery day. There is, however, a lot I did not know, and therefore, a lot I did not see. Those early days of adolescence for Blue Eyes included discovering a way to make himself feel better when he felt bad and then nurturing behaviors that masked underlying emotions. His teen years were fraught with self-doubt, obsessive masturbation, and self-loathing. After years of rationalizing and compartmentalizing, he honed his addictive behaviors, his infidelity, and his betrayal to the point where he floated smoothly in and out of his cycles, I am sure, without much thought or care. His habits were set.

We all put on masks every day, because we have to, to get through the day, but many of us know why we wear those masks. We are aware that we are wearing the masks. Blue Eyes rarely understands why he does the things he does. In the past, he never questioned why taking out the garbage or having to stop at the grocery store on his way home really pissed him off. He always had his addiction to help him cope. He did not stop to think, hey, why do these simple tasks that everyone has to do make me angry, or is what I am doing to cope with my negative emotions regarding every day activities normal? No, it was all done out of habit. If he had to do something he didn’t like, he rewarded himself with something he did like, addictive sexual acting out behaviors.

Blue Eyes was raised to think that being a success at your career meant you were a success as a person. He poured everything into his work. He worked excruciatingly long hours and often worked away from home, especially when the children were little. The more he worked, the more successful his business was and the more he rationalized his sexual acting out. What started out as masturbation and porn, turned into acting out with other women. He didn’t know why he was doing it, but he knew he needed it, a cost of doing business so to speak. It was all part of the deal. He did it because he had to, to keep all the balls up in the air, to keep the façade going. He did it to cope, just like he had done in childhood, to handle those things that were simply too difficult to manage without the addiction.

As we sit at my husband’s favorite Japanese ramen shop, Tenkaippin, at Shijo dori across from the big white Kabuki Theater in Kyoto, I know my husband is in one of his moods. He is in full on hyper addict mode. He is grandstanding, and I am just a mere member of his audience. He is excited about everything in front of him, the plastic bowls with the logo on them, the little jars of shoyu and gyoza sauce, he is reminiscing and he is acting a bit crazy and it leaves me with a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. It could be anyone sitting across from him now, at this little ramen shop. Now, when he is in showman mode, he wants me to believe he is excited because he is here with me, and it is special. But I know differently. Unfortunately, I am acutely aware of the circumstances surrounding his mood, even if he is not. Nothing is sacred about this situation, and the hyper addict state that drives him. Yes, he LOVES this ramen, but he loves the idea of it even more. He sat across from his AP in a ramen shop just like this, with this same excitement and anticipation plastered across his face while he reminisced about why this place means so much to him. She was not special. I am not special. We are all just players in his game, a game where reality gets blown out of proportion, and life is more exciting to him because of it.

When my husband is in addict mode, all the people around him are just players. We are interchangeable. We are faceless, and nameless, and we merely fill space in a game he designed so that he did not have to live in reality with the rest of us.

28 thoughts on “We are all just players in his game

  1. I know this is from a year ago, but I just got this far in your blog (I’ve got a lot of reading to do to finally get current).

    This really struck a chord within me. I see me all over this post. In the past, my compartments were well separated…..or so I thought. I thought my husband compartment was great. I had a fantastic father compartment. My “I deserve this break” compartment was separated enough to not interfere with the other, better, compartments. (I won’t expand on any more compartments. Needless to say, there are many.)

    However, I’ve recently been watching some old family videos, and I see the egotistical me that I thought was controlled. I’ve deceived even myself for my whole life. No wonder my wife used to always ask me “what is going on with you today?”, and my answer was always “nothing.”

    I appreciate your posts so far. While my addictive actions were a bit different than your husband’s, the underlying behavior pathology is very similar (I’m learning this is similar amongst most addicts). It is helping me understand myself a little better, and helping me understand the utter destruction I have brought on to my wife.

    As I start into your 2015 posts, I’m praying I find progression in your husband’s recovery, your healing, and in your marriage (three distinct things, in my opinion).

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    • Thank you for your comment, Will Surrender. Ironically, in a recent 2016 post I reference this entry to show how far my husband has recovered. I know there are a lot of posts here, but I can assure you, there is deep and sincere recovery going on, much progress has been made, and the actions that prompted this particular post, are distant memories. 2015 was quite tumultuous, but this kind of healing doesn’t happen over night. I wish much strength to you and your wife on this journey. Getting down inside to that person you really want to be is so very worthwhile. Also, I agree with you… individual healing and then marital healing are all distinctly separate things, and yet inextricably intertwined. Peace to you.

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  2. Pingback: Looking back, part one | try not to cry on my rainbow

  3. When I read your post i cant help but thinking what an amazing person you are, because despite what you have been through with him, you speak of him in a way that shows you really know his ins and outs so well. You take the time to really understand him. He is so lucky to have you in his life.

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    • Thank you for your kind comments. Sometimes I say to my husband that I will never understand him. But it is not the understanding, because I do understand him. It is just so difficult to believe that the man I thought I knew would do such horrible things. I know he wants to get better, but addiction is insidious. He needs to get stronger and time is not necessarily his friend. I try to be patient. The blog actually helps with my thoughts. Some journal entries are incredibly difficult to write, like the one I am writing now…. back to it 🙂 .

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  4. I could have been the OW (in my case , technically, because i was lied to about the divorce , forged papers and all ) in your case.I was all shades of crazy , because what he said and what he did was always on the opposite sides of the spectrum.
    I cannot comment about your husband , but reading your blog gave me a complete insight on how he must have managed a double/triple/ multiple life and managed a home life with his wife never having a whiff of what was going on.
    My DDay was a double whammy.Not only did I find out that he was married and living a very norma life with his wife , but that there were multiple other women in various stages of grooming and prostitutes as well.
    I , of course , walked away.He kept begging and pleading for me to stay and help him through his addictive problems.I just told him that since he was married “I am part of the problem and not the solution ” and that he should go to his wife to help him out. He was petrified and asked me whether I would be telling her.I told him I would not because I just wanted to walk away from the crazy.
    Ideations about suicide, counselling , anti anxiety medicines and two years after leaving him and strict NC ,inspite of multiple attempts by him to re establish communication , I am just getting to a happy place.
    Kat , he too is a CEO , a sales person.
    Had his wife found out , I am sure he could have painted me as one crazy person because of the way I behaved .I am definitely not crazy . In fact I am very highly educated ,one of the top paid names in my profession.
    His lies and contradictions and the crazy making that comes with juggling too many women is what drove me to my irrational behaviour.Constant feeling of edginess, suspicion because things never added up , constant pleading to be told the truth , even as much as telling him that if he felt the relationship was not working we could call it off , never mind the fact that he had given me a ring and called me his wife.He cried, bawled , sobbed , pleaded , begged me to never ever leave him, all the while telling me he was all alone and living with his teenaged daughter.
    We spent weekends together , took holidays together, went for movies , dining ,sight seeing , texting the whole day and through the night , talking on the phone till midnight.
    On DDay i learnt he was living with his wife and daughter , buying houses , taking holidays , and doing everything as required for a normal life.Its beyond my comprehension how he managed this plus multiple other women too and his corporate high flying job.
    He travelled a lot for work and he had a woman in every city he travelled.If she was not available he called a prostitute.From the phone records I found that he had a prostitute in his room , once she left he chatted with his wife for half an hour , then with me upto 2 a.m. and then the local girl friend upto 4 in the morning.How ? I yet cant figure .Maniacal energy ?fuelled by his addiction?
    My counsellor does not subscribe to the sex addiction theory , says he is a psychopath.Any one who can lie for so long , and carry on a double life for such an extended period , telling multiple women that he loves them is a psychopath.
    Kat , I really hear you and wish you all the very best.
    I know the crazy making and I also know how charming and contrite they can be.It nearly killed me to walk away.I probably would have wanted to help him through the multiple other women but finding out that the divorce filings he showed me were forged and that he was with his wife , no matter the assurances that he was going to file for a divorce ,was a deal breaker.Plus the fact , that he was not my cross to bear and that I was not responsible for his recovery.
    Your husband is really lucky to have you as his wife.You are the only one standing in the way to hell that his life would eventually become.
    God Bless

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    • Hi! Thank you for your comment and I am so sorry you had to go through such agony, because I know it must have been agony. Maybe even still is some days. The pain of being betrayed and lied to does not go away, especially since you thought he was available, and yours. This was not the case with my husband’s other women. They all knew he was married. Two of them he even told the truth, that he was happily married. Who knows what they believed in order to rationalize having sex with him? But, they did know he was married with two small children. The third, he told her he loved me and didn’t plan to leave me, but the more she pressured him for reasons why he was cheating on me, the more he made up in order to keep her on the hook. They are lying to everyone. After the year we have had, we both definitely believe in the sex addict diagnosis. Without it, it is very difficult for them to get any kind of help if they want it. We finally have competent experts in the field guiding us and my husband is finding his 12 step group to be really helpful. He no longer feels alone, or like a monster. I do believe sex addicts exhibit sociopathic behavior, but the lack of conscience that sex addicts exhibit is really more compartmentalization and rationalization that they hone from a very early age in order to cope, at least it is in my husband. I do not consider my husband a psychopath, as he is not violent or aggressive in any way. Thankfully, my husband was ready to get help and he is doing so. He did feel like he was on a straight path to hell. All people are different, obviously, and all sex addicts have their own pathology. Do you know if your ex ever told his wife? An non-recovering sex addict is not someone to try and have a life with. You were smart to get out. As I have said many times, I worked really hard this year on getting strong enough to leave my husband if he strays from his path of recovery. After 15 years of cheating, he knows he has used up all his chances. I hope you have been able to find someone worthy of your love!

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      • Hi Kat,
        Thanks for your response and wishes.I am amazed at your generosity because , all said and done , I did happen to be the OW,though unknowingly and unwittingly .

        It is amazing that ,given your situation, you could see beyond that fact at the reality.I am humbled that in midst of your pain you find it in you to empathise with mine.

        I do not think that his wife knows.I ,though , cannot state anything regarding him with even the slightest certainty because post DDay when I was trying too understand things , what i unravelled was unbelievable.The web of deception that he had spun , it was like a completely parallel universe.In fact , he has lied about stuff which dont even matter.

        At one time , he wanted me to establish communication via e mail with his daughter using his e mail id and as him , reason being “I do not like the manner in which her mother (his wife ) is bringing her up and I want you to be her mother .”I , of course, refused to do anything of thesort and told him that its not fair to the child and , as I was given to understand , someday I would be her step mom and i did not want this deception between us .To this day , I cannot figure out why he wanted me to do this. Unless it was just a ploy to make me believe that we had a future together .And knowing me , he very well was cofident that I would do nothing of the sort.Imagine , using your child to fulfill his addictions. He had also shared every single milestone his daughter achieved and we celebrated them together. Meanwhile , he was doing the same with his wife.Incomprehensible.I mean , how much of a black hole did he have inside of him ,that no amount of emotions from so many women filled it up.

        I have also concluded that maybe it was just an assured source of sex for him and he did whatever he had to do to keep the supply going.all these relationships would always be stormy because of his deceptions and hence he always jumped fom woman to woman to relieve his stress , which he himself was creatng.

        I asked my counsellor the reason for all this and whether he loved his wife or would ever leave the marriage for love if he ever found it .And if he never intended to leave the marriage how could he jeopardise it in such a cavalier fashion.He said the inner self of this man is in a constant state of turmoil and his wife and his life with her are the only constant.Its like he is in the midst of a stormy sea and his marriage is the only island where he feels safe and secure and what gives him respectability.He would never give it up nd do whatever it took to keep it safe.from what I had narrated to him , based on his experience , he surmised that the wife was aware of some past relationship and they had undergone counselling etc and then he had gone underground with his behaviour.

        I was advised by friends and other betrayed wives that I should inform the wife so she could at least take an informed decision about her life.I battled with this for a long time but then decided not to do it for:
        1)I would be thought of as a scorned woman out for revenge(though it was I who ended the relationship).I knew of his ability to spin a tale .He was in sales and I knew how charming he could be and how he had honed to perfection the art of selling whatever he wanted to sell to the other person.I had all the proof ,his profiles on various dating sites, proof of stays in hotels with various other women,midnight calls and sexting with other women, calls to prostitutes etc.If I sent all this to the wife she would have definitely wanted to talk with me and I had had enough.I did not want to extend this relationship for a minute more than necessary.
        In any case he would have made me out to be some vengeful scorned stalker woman .
        2)It was not as if I wanted him for myself ,if at all after revelation his wife walked away.
        3) in fact, at the cost of sounding selfish , let me say that I was safer if he stayed with his wife.In those days , though I walked ,I was very vulnerable to him .When he texted and called me over and over the only thing that kept me firm and not succumb is that he had a wife.If he had left the marriage , in those days when I was so raw and so much in love I would have renewed my relationship irrespective of all the other women.Yes , I was that much in love and besotted.Though I knew life with him could only be hell I would not have found the strength to keep away from him.That he was married , was the deal breaker even if it meant going all the way through hell, which I did.I very much had a selfish interest in his staying married.However , at times , it does enrage me that I wasted so many years in a relationship making it so difficult to find love againin my late 40’s whereas he got away without any damage and got to go back to his life ,all intact .When I hear about him professionally and about his normal family life i get majorly pissed and the urge to do something rears its ugly head.Over the years , though , I have controlled this need and grit my teeth and just get on with my life.
        4)To this day, I internally debate ,whether I have a moral obligation to another woman ,to let her know the truth about her husband. But then i feel that in her ignorance , if she is happy , so be it.I know the agony and hell I went through whereas she has much more history and ties and commitments than me and I wouldnt wish this pain on anybody not even my worst enemy , leave aside some other innocent person.
        5)I also do not wish to be embroiled with him and his life and want him out of my life.any communication with him or his wife would just prolong my agony.
        6)Kat you asked me if I have found love again. No , I havent .Inspite of the betrayal and deception I yet cannot bring myself to touch or be touched by another man.A part of me inside is dead and gone.My body seems to have a physical memory of its own which no mental strength and recovery seems to be able to erase.I do not worry about it much and believe that when the time is right and I am ready it will happen.
        Lately, I have been reading quite a few blogs written by betrayed wives .Though I was cheated and deceived I do feel a burden about having hurt a wife ,unknowingly.Yours is the story which is closest to my life and i admire your strength and courage.

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        • Wow. Your story is heartbreaking. You have said so many sensible things here in your comments, but I can certainly see the pain. You could never have been one of my husband’s other women because you are way too healthy and strong. Despite what you say about yourself “back then” I can see that you have much more on the ball than any of my husband’s women. He chose broken women so that they would be there when he wanted them. He was never able to successfully lie about being single. They put up with his shenanigans even though they knew he was married, they believed in his words even though his actions spoke otherwise. With what your therapist has said about your ex and his marriage, I am surprised he doesn’t embrace the addiction diagnosis, but it is still controversial. I read a lot about sex addiction in the beginning and at first, it bothered me that there were people/counselors/therapists that did not believe in the diagnosis, but then I realized it does not really matter what others think or believe, as long as my husband is getting the support he needs in order to learn to love himself and be a healthier member of society, I do not really care. My only wish is that, as a society, we embraced it more because there are so many people suffering in silence because they think they are the only ones who think or behave in the way my husband and your ex do. Sad. On that note, when you think about your ex and his career/marriage/etc.. you have to know that he is miserable. These men are not, generally, running around gloating over all the women they can keep on the line. They feel like crap. He is not happy, or content, or secure, or any of those things we all seek and he probably never will be. I am so sorry your love is a liar and a cheat, regardless of what causes it. I feel the pain. Regarding telling the wife, I have said many times that I wish I never knew, however, me knowing was the only thing that prompted my husband into recovery and if there is one thing I have learned about myself (especially through dealing with my Borderline Personality Disorder Sister) it is that I truly want people to be healthy and happy and loved. Even if I have to walk away from my marriage for my own health and safety, I still want my husband to be happy and healthy. It is who I am. I think I was born this way, but I also believe it was nurtured into me due to my childhood. My husband was ready to be in recovery. In the case of your ex, however, it does not sound like he is ready or ever will be. Focusing on you and your happiness is the only way to heal from this. I cannot say that I will not to have to make that same decision some day. I will never walk away from him as a person as we have children together, but if I have to, I can walk away from the marriage. You cannot continue to feel burdened by the fact that you were the other woman. You were not the other woman because you had no idea he was married. You were a victim and nothing more. To be honest, I am so saddened by what my husband did and said to his other women. If the last one wasn’t stalking me, I would have a lot more compassion for her and her situation. I do believe she is mentally ill and despite my rantings on my blog, I wish she would get help and I am not saying that like, oh, I am the rightful owner of my husband’s love and anyone else who wants him must be crazy. I know how manipulative the men can be. I know how she got sucked in, but it is her responsibility to take care of herself now and stop being a predator. I hope your body heals from the trauma and you eventually find a loving companion, when you are ready. ❤

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  5. One of my conditions for reconciliation is that H has to instigate a post nuptual agreement with an infidelity clause in which I get EVERYTHING. He has in the past and with his women been a bit of a tightarse ( he is from Yorkshire) Since DD this has changed dramatically and of course I took advantage of his guilt and have just finished a 3 month renovation of our house. I had been asking for new carpets and paint for ten years as he promised me this when we first bought the house. Do I feel bad. Hell no!

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  6. Does BE read your posts? You explain his grandstanding so well that I feel if he read it and thought about it he would be able to identify this practice and become mindful of maybe why it happens or why he feels the need to be like this. How does BE react these days to the irksome realities of life….like the garbage etc?
    Kyoto must be full of triggers for you. I can only imagine.
    I can’t go to Sydney with my H …annoys me coz I just love the place!

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    • Yes, CF, he does read my posts. Sometimes I read them out loud to him when I have finished them as it helps me check for readability and grammar. By the time I read them to him, I am pretty much over them (except the Bambi post, because our son is in it… that one I cry every time I read it), but he often cries. He understands what is wrong with him, but that does not mean it is easy to change those things just because he sees them. Mindfulness is the key to his changing, but it takes a lot of time. It will take years. I have to be patient and he needs to be diligent. He now does all the chores (including laundry and dishes) and is very aware of his emotions while doing it. It was one of the easier steps on this journey. Growing up, his father did not have to do any of those things because he was the successful bread winner. His parents roles were strictly delineated. In our house, I also worked, and raised our kids, and volunteered, and did almost all the chores, and have done everything else while he was off traveling, and whatever, but I did not harbor resentment. Sometimes I was lonely and frustrated. I let things get out of hand. I thought he was happy, so I enabled his workaholism. I have learned a lot about myself, my husband, and our marriage in the past year. So has he. The more we let our minds get mired up in the negative behavior (me too, with the trauma) the easier it is to validate our own destructive behavior in response. This is what I am working on, and I am a pretty quick learner. His journey will take a lifetime.

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      • I agree with you that the journey from DD has been a huge learning experience and will continue to be one for the rest of our lives. I think for the husbands it is quite confronting because they have had to face their horridness. There they were stuck in this life, knowing it was wrong, knowing it will hurt their partners yet at times unable to stop it. Though kudos to BE because he did manage to stop the A with C. ( Seeing her on the plane must have been terrible.) It is there and it is in their faces and will be a part of their life forever.
        I live in hope that the thought of the damage that their addictions have caused to others will be enough to stop and make them realise that is not the path to venture down anymore.
        Negative behaviour on the part of the betrayed spouse is really quite destructive for everyone healing but some days it is just so hard to see that sense. I am hoping every day it will get better.

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  7. Interesting post.

    After reading this and several other posts, one thing that struck me was how much wealth and power give people opportunities to fuck up. I mean when you travel all over the world for business (alone many times), have loads of money at your fingertips, multiple properties to go to, etc, how could one resist the urge to taste every forbidden fruit? Life must seem like an endless platter to sample from. In my life my hubs and I wouldn’t have any opportunity to cheat without the other knowing, because there’s no opportunity to sneak away. We know where each other is every second of the day even if we’re not together, and it would be easily verifiable.

    I guess some people can handle the freedom of the wealthy lifestyle and remain loyal (like you Kat), but other people (like a sex addict) would find that level of temptation impossible to handle.

    I know what you mean when you say you can see all the different sides of him clearly. I was a psych nurse for many years and can easily spot narcissistic traits (which a lot of addicts have), as well as many other kind of personality disorders. It’s an interesting thing to watch, but a painful thing to live.

    I guess the ultimate question is can he change a lifetime addiction after it has so embedded itself in his lifestyle and personality, and can he do it long-term? It’s a lot of risk Kat, and you must go into this with eyes wide open about the risk of relapse. I do however understand your urge to salvage a 30+ year relationship with a man you love…that’s a lot of history. I wish you only the best, and the strength to make it through this in a way that is best for YOU.

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    • Violet, we are not super wealthy, amd we had a close and very connected twenty one years before he cheated. We worked shoulder to shoulder for the vast majoriry of those years. Yes. I do believe what you wrote about wealth and power does have a lot of validity, but you never know where someone is every second. I thought so, I thought I knew where he was, who he was with/talking to. But turns out he waz also fitting in times during all of that madness – not often – but nonetheless still managing it, to fuck a lifetime “friend ” of mine. She would usually drive the six hour round trip. But sometimes (maybe four?) he drove to her. I thought he was out the back of the farm, or driving to a nearby town to pick up farm supplies/tractor parts/horse feed. More fool me, the “routine” of a busy farming life provided opportunity. One of the first things I said was, “but where did you find the time?” I was incredulous. And not a soul knew.

      So whilst your observation has some truth, IMHO, please don’t be fooled into thinking you know where your partner is every second ♡.

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      • I’m so terribly sorry that happened to you, horses. 😦 That’s just awful.

        Of course I never meant to imply that an affair couldn’t happen to me, or couldn’t happen to non-wealthy people. You are correct that affairs can and do happen to all kinds of people…while I haven’t lived through one yet I’d never be so bold as to say I’m immune to such a situation. Believe me I’ve already had my comeuppance in life with the bad shit that can happen to all of us (I’m seriously disabled and so is my kid).

        I’m just saying if you’re wealthy and have multiple houses and travel alone a lot, it’s a little easier to stray, and easier to feed the machine of sexual addiction. Not that it’s any excuse, mind you. Betrayal is betrayal and it all hurts, and I feel for anyone who has had to taste it.

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        • No offense taken, Violet :-). I tend to agree with your observation about travel, multiple properties/the financial means to pay for hotels, etc. But “where there’s a way.” Mine was a cheapskate and never paid for a hotel room, tending to use our property. Makes for fantastic triggers! But they never think they’ll be caught. After he was he was horrified at his selfishness and plain stupidity at using my familiar places. He understood the triggers he created. Just going out to buy a new couch – all these years later, I can finally afford to replace it. Woohoo! The fucking couch ( the stuffing is now exposed) will be disposed of ceremonially, lol (ritual burning anyone?) It was my elderly chocolate labrador’s favourite. We put her down just before Christmas, so have no need for it any longer.

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        • I just wanted to chime in here and say, we don’t have multiple houses YET. We hope to start building on our beach house in a couple months and IF my husband ever takes ANY WOMAN to that house other than me, I will kill him. That house is to be our retreat, our sanctuary, together. He is not getting any second chances!

          Seriously though, I have often told him that he will have to watch me go there with my new husband if he steps out of line again, and that vision is nearly enough to kill him. In a divorce, I will get EVERYTHING! 🙂 . Peace ladies!!!

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          • Oh yeah, absolutely. We do have a holiday home at a lake, one that I pushed for an architect for, and although our budget was minute, I’m so glad I did, as it takes it from a box to a gorgeous wee, workable, interesting, useful and cleverly spacious space. Unfortunately, OW was there with both of us together, with him alone, and with me alone – sigh. I have thought about selling, but I REFUSE to let her whore-shit stink take this previously serene and peaceful spot, that I painted, he dug footings for, from me. It’s far too good for her to ruin! (That said, the affair started there, and it is a hard place to face at times, but attitude is everything, and I LOVE that wee bach!)

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    • Lord, I just re-read my comment and feel like an arrogant ass. Of course I can’t know where my husband is every minute of the day. I think I was trying to say that we’re in the same house every night so it would be more difficult to cheat than if we had multiple properties, but of course one can cheat anywhere at anytime. What a disaster of a reply.

      I apologize to everyone for my poor wording. Horses, I can see why this might have brushed against you the wrong way.

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      • I read your original comment right before going to bed, so knew I would respond to it this morning. It was fun reading the dialogue once I came back to it this morning. I rarely get offended by anything on the blogs, because I know we are all living in our own lives and have very different perspectives. Thought provoking comments either make me want to write another post explaining myself and my situation, or they make me think about my situation and whether I am actually seeing things clearly or wearing those old “rose colored glasses” again. Your comment made me wish I was back in that place over a year ago where I had no idea my husband was cheating. I knew he had plenty of opportunity, I just never thought he would want or need to do it. Ignorance sometimes is bliss. Cheating is not necessarily about opportunity or money, but sometimes about being weak and broken at just the right time that someone comes along to exploit it. You are not living in the same reality with other betrayed spouses (thankfully you don’t have that along with everything else you have to deal with), so therefore you have not had to contemplate how he pulled it off. I will say, however, that with my husband’s addiction, it is like any other addiction. Money has nothing to do with him finding his drug, HOWEVER, money and power DO have a lot to do with his feelings of entitlement and desire for control. Sex addiction is not just about sex. It is about coping with emotions you never learned to deal with and also about control. Controlling a part of your life because your life feels out of control. It is a twisted way to go about fixing wounds, and it never works. My husband’s workaholism and sexaholism went hand in hand. They fed off of each other. The more successful he became, the more his addiction escalated. Power can be a very evil motivator.

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        • Yes, I cannot truly understand the pain of being betrayed in such an agonizing way, being that I have not walked in a betrayed women’s shoes. My original comment was very inappropriate…what I was thinking in my head (which was actually supportive thoughts!) did not at all translate into my writing. I can imagine how much any betrayed woman wants to go back to the day when she didn’t think cheating was possible. I do recognize how I’m very lucky (at least as of yet) not to have to face a harsher reality. I feel great empathy for all women who have had to taste such pain.

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      • Violet, I wasn’t offended at all. This is a safe space :-). I think I know what you were getting at. It seemed absolutely mind-bogglingly ridiculous at first, I mean, we loved each other, I totally ADORED him, he HATED the people we knew who had cheated and blown up marriages, he was “one of the good guys,” right? In fact the night I was texted the details by his by then ex-AP, I teetered between disbelief and belief – always knowing really that it was true.Why else would my “friend” do that to me? I had a few hours to process the shock – we were at a friend’s young wife’s 40th birthday party. I’m so glad you are not dealing with infidelity on top of some other challenges you face 🙂

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    • All I’ve got on this one is, I do hope he can change. He wants to and is working towards it, but changing life long behaviors is very difficult. Baby steps. I try to be patient, but glad I have my journal and this blog so I can get my frustrating feelings out of me.

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