We lost

Drive to the beach house this afternoon.

I’m writing this here because I don’t have the energy to talk about it with anyone in real life, not even Blue Eyes. But it is really weighing my heart down, so here I go. I’m hoping getting this out into the blogosphere will help release what feels like an elephant standing on my chest, cutting off my air, making it difficult to breathe. I’m at the beach house by myself. Blue Eyes is back home entertaining clients at a business dinner.

We have gone through a lot lately. It may look, from the outside, that our life is easy. It’s not. It may look glamorous. It’s not. It may look like we have gobs of money, enough to travel the world, and have two houses. We don’t have gobs of money. Most of our travel is business related, a business that supports numerous families, and we have two very large mortgages.

A beautiful November day at the beach house.

We’ve been waiting to hear back regarding the beach house litigation. Our life is complicated. So much so that two nights ago Blue Eyes sat on our bed across from me and said, “I understand why people commit suicide.” And I said, “I know.” Everything Blue Eyes is today, everything he has achieved, he did single handedly, and he did it on the back of his addiction. He was abused as a child and grew up with two significant immune related illnesses. He survived, even thrived. He knew his secret life would kill him one day, if he didn’t expose it, and eradicate it. So he instigated the explosion that obliterated my life as I knew it. He had to.

Our beach house was part of the rebuilding of our life together. It’s our sanctuary. Unfortunately, apparently, the powers that be don’t want us to have peace. They want to add to our burden. We purchased the excruciatingly expensive piece of land that our house sits on with a loan from our company. The actual house was built on a tight but ample construction budget because it was limited by the bank appraisal. So we have the company loan, and that large mortgage to pay every month, and now the judgment for the contractor’s overages has gone against us. No compromise. Completely against us. We’re in shock. I found out less than an hour ago.

It is unclear at this point just how much we will owe, but it could be $700,000+. The contractor overages plus his profit, plus his attorney fees. Add that to our attorney fees, and we now have a house that has cost us approximately $1,000,000 more than it is worth if we tried to sell it tomorrow.

I know life is unfair. I learned that lesson years ago and then nearly six years ago, was kicked in the gut with a lasting reminder of how unfair it is. And now, here we go again.

And this is where I sat when I received word, we lost.

51 thoughts on “We lost

  1. Oh my. This is not the outcome I wanted to hear about this issue. I’m so sorry.

    You are right, though, this place is your sanctuary and I hope your cup is full to the brim of peace and beauty while you are there, soaking it up.

    When I read this, I admit I stopped breathing for a moment — “…Blue Eyes sat on our bed across from me and said, “I understand why people commit suicide.” And I said, “I know.”

    My husband’s world collapsed around him. It was horrid to go through his attempt on his life (for me and for him). Sometimes, life circumstances just feel like too much to bear. We can and will persist. And thrive.

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  2. This news is so disappointing. I am sorry for the disruption in your life and the loss of trust in those who should have done better/known better. As if we didn’t have enough challenges in that area either. Your beach house is beautiful and I love that area so much. Hopefully you can fully engage your senses and enjoy your time there.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks, Marie. I think I’m still in a bit of shock. I hate not being able to trust. Our beach house is truly beautiful (pretty sure that worked against us), and we love it here. Come visit!!! We’d love to meet you and your husband in person! ❤️

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  3. I feel you more than ever now, that utterly devastating feeling of shit piling up. As someone who went through almost word by word the same sequence – sex addiction discovery, recovery rollercoaster, followed by complicated and devastating real estate transaction combined with litigation and a complete turn in financial state, I’d say this is a pretty freaking specific mix of shit – it’s horrendous and I’m so sorry you’re going through this. A few more deep breaths later it will however just be part of the painful but survivable chain of events you’re being pressed through over the past six years. If you didn’t commit suicide over the discovery of the betrayal, you’ll survive this one, too, because on the scheme of things, this is “just” money, not as much your self worth, your sanity, your innocence and your ability to trust as it was with the betrayal. I’m not at all trying to minimise this because I know just how awful this is (our number was appr $600k in the red – and while we did win our litigation we can’t collect a dime, to figure). But you’ll get through this. That beach house is so amazingly gorgeous – give yourself the gift of ignorance for the next week, and shut the world out, everything, everybody, let denial in for a period of time and enjoy it fully, completely, without a single shadow. Today, love, the house is yours and yours alone.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thanks, Shattered. ❤️ I’m sorry you’ve gone through very similar circumstances. It sucks, it really does. The beach house is our sanctuary, no matter what. We’ll figure out the money somehow. I’m taking your advice and not even thinking about it today. I’ve gotten pretty good at compartmentalizing over the past few years. Today, total beach house love. 💖 I’m currently watching 6 adults in wet suits and 1 Labrador retriever braving the cold Pacific Ocean, catching some waves while I sit inside with a hot mug of tea! Those people are Crazy! 🤗🤗

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  4. I’m so sorry. I had hoped you would prevail. I know the feeling of taking hit after hit. I also know the feeling of being betrayed, most recently in a work situation. I don’t want to become a person who never trusts anyone. That just isn’t me, but I can see how people get that way. I’m also weary of being strong. Right now, self-care is your priority, as it is mine this long weekend. ❤️

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thanks, Maggie. I hope you have a peaceful and serene weekend and are able to do some fun things to take the mind off. Yeah, I’m struggling to trust people (now even our attorney—long story), but I hate that. I want to trust people. And I want my kindness to come back to me in kindness. This is one of those times when I want to move to a deserted island and live off the grid. Instead, I’m enjoying my beach house and reading and writing! 📚 ✍🏻 💜

      Liked by 1 person

  5. It’s interesting that people see what they want to see with regards to people’s lives. People have said to me how well H and I are doing with regard to moving to a new country, how we have everything!😳 They don’t see the cess pit overflowing, or the well running dry, or nearly having our electric disconnected because someone didn’t pay H in the winter, a really difficult time. All they see is that we laugh, and are happy. Perhaps then we do have everything? It doesn’t matter what you have or don’t have, it’s all relative, pressure is pressure in whatever form. Add to that the unfairness that life seems to leverage. I am sorry this had happened, yes you are strong, but that doesn’t make it any easier. Sending hugs and just remember that it will be resolved, this too shall,pass. ❤️❤️

    Liked by 2 people

  6. I wish that you and BE could catch a break. I’m really sorry that something intended to be a refuge turned into such a nightmarish process. It’s one thing to voluntarily overpay or splurge because you want to. It’s quite another to have someone cheat you into doing so. It doesn’t matter if it’s a $100,000 house or a million dollar house. Paying more than what you should have because someone else gamed the system is a crappy outcome. At least that view of yours is priceless. I hope it helps bring you some peace. xo

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    • The beach house will always be a sanctuary and no one can take that away from us. Sitting here looking out to that view right now. I was really hoping for a more fair outcome, but as our son said (he’s very intuitive), the arbitrators look the easy path. Their statement was so short. After 2+ years of the builder pushing the dates off (he now lives in California, so it was inconvenient for him), and all those depositions and testimony, the anxiety and stress, they merely decided our architect had made verbal authorization for the overages on our behalf and that the money was spent, and we have a gorgeous beach house. They completely set aside the law. They ignored all the facts in the case. They made it simple for themselves. Our attorney’s comment to us… there was always that slim chance they would ignore the contract and the law. Sad. ❤️

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  7. This was just in the Times, apropos of how people perceive spending and wealth of others.

    I just came back from a very much needed trip to Spain and Portugal. I haven’t worked full time in a year and a half (NOT my choice) and I managed this using a lot of points and credits. I felt self conscious about it because of my “situation” (I am doing some consulting that pays well but the hours are inconsistent) but then I thought, I really don’t give a fuck what others think. When I die it won’t matter. I am trying to live the best life I can under my circumstances, and I hope you can too,

    And yes to what BE says about suicide. Some people just don’t see a way out and it is a tragic thing to witness, speaking first hand.

    Chazak v’amatz: be strong and resolute❤️

    Liked by 4 people

    • Hi B! I hope your trip was everything you wanted it to be, and more! Interesting article. Having spent a bit of time on the east coast, and with what I would call “trust fund babies” on the east coast, I come from a very different place, and perspective. Portland is a small city with far less wealth than bigger cities. I grew up without money. I started working at 14 years old so I could afford a pair of brand name trainers. Keeping up with the Joneses isn’t at the same level here as it is elsewhere. There are a few (couple) gated communities where every house costs over a million dollars, but very very few. We live in a nice neighborhood, but the best thing about it is that we are less than 3 miles from our office. We purchased our house dirt cheap because it was boarded up, neglected, abandoned and basically rotting from the inside out. Our neighbors were thrilled we brought it back to life. I don’t think people in our neighborhood wonder where our money comes from. They know we work our asses off. I know they’re not envious of our travel, they know we’re working. Yeah, I have a car I love, which just happens to be a Porsche… a 6 year old diesel that gets 35 miles to the gallon. I’m gonna drive it forever. The neighbors are partial to BMW’s and Mercedes, but there are just as many Volvos and Subarus.

      The beach house is an anomaly. The only reason it exists today is because Blue Eyes was trying desperately to create a clean sanctuary that wasn’t tainted by his secret life. The budget for the house was a HUGE stretch for us as it was… now it’s just ridiculously over built, BUT, it is our sanctuary and we won’t let anyone ruin it. We learned a huge lesson. Trust MUST be earned, not freely given. I have now been beaten over the head with that life lesson. Pretty sure I get it now.

      I remember the suicide story of your friend. Likewise with BE’s brother. Suicide is a complicated matter, tragic and devastating. But I do understand why people want to stop living. Often times it’s less selfishness than they honestly feel they are a burden to people around them. It’s all sad.

      We have so much to live for. We are standing strong together, waiting for word of how much we are going to have to pay to the bullies and thieves of the world.

      xoxo

      Liked by 1 person

      • The trip was perfect, thank you! Weather was great, really summery, and a couple I met in South Africa when we saw Bruce there 6 years ago surprised me and came from England to Sevilla. I saw some unbelievable things including the Alhambra in Granada, the Mezquita in Cordoba, the Real Alcazar in Sevilla, and the magical town of Sintra, along with some spectacular cathedrals (though the wealth trapped inside them is very disturbing).
        I went to Shabbat services in Madrid and Lisboa and it was like boarding an El Al flight just to get in the door. It is actually mind bending to think there are any Jews at all there, having been expelled (or those who remained burned) more than 500 years ago.
        Now onto the next travel dreams!

        Liked by 1 person

  8. I hope the court ruling will be reversed somehow anyway, preferably with anyone investigating that guy (or the decision makers), must be others being badly affected by his stupidity now or later or he had contacts stepping up for him behind the scenes so to speak. Hope it all gets solved in your favor somehow❤️

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  9. I must admit, I always thought you were exceedingly wealthy based on your extensive worldwide travel, your husband being an attorney, and of course, the purchase of the beach house.
    But unfair shit happens to all of us, regardless of wealth, status, education etc.
    You certainly did deserve to win and you were treated very poorly by the system.
    There are probably avenues of appeal but these would only prolong litigation, and up being even more costly – with no guarantee of a win.
    I’m sorry this sucks so much. It’s an awful position to be in. Hugs to you. SWxo

    Liked by 3 people

    • Wealth is relative, but I would never ever describe us as exceedingly wealthy. We’re still trying to put together retirement accounts so we can retire in 12-14 years or so, hopefully. My husband is educated as an attorney, but has never worked as an attorney, per se. Our business was in the red for many years, as start up businesses can be. We took very little investor financing (and very small salaries for years) and eventually purchased back the investment stock. We support numerous families, which is stressful and exhausting. We finally were consistently in the black, and that is when all hell broke loose and then the decision to build a beach house sanctuary. Our city house is decent, but not extravagant, and Portland is no Sydney. 🙂 About 80% of our travel is for business, a necessary part of our sales process… I fit in leisure where I can. The house is heavily leveraged already and there is no equity in it in order to take out a second mortgage to pay the builder (never was) the additional monies. We’ve restructured our business of late and so there is no cash lying around. I’m actually not sure where the money will come from, but we will have to come up with it. Some kind of payment plan, no doubt, meaning even longer work days. You are correct, we could appeal, but apparently it’s rare that the courts overturn arbitrator decisions and it will cost us more money that we don’t have. The biggest issue is that they rewarded a lazy, dishonest contractor who is not even in the business anymore because during our project he decided he didn’t want to do it anymore. It’s so very unjust and I’m so tired of paying the price for other people’s negligence and dishonesty. But I have no choice. Thanks for the hugs, much appreciated!!! xo

      Liked by 1 person

      • The law is so unpredictable. You never really know how things are going to go, even if you are in the right. But, yes. It is so important to remind ourselves of the things we have to be thankful for. That’s a great attitude to have.

        Liked by 1 person

        • Well, our attorney (a specialist in this area) is astonished. He wouldn’t have taken the case if he didn’t think we deserved to win. The other side refused to settle, so it is what it is. It’s arbitration and they simply decided that the payments the contractor made were legitimate (which most of them were) and neglected to take into account that he never received permission to over spend. He never gave us the option to cut costs even though he knew we only had the construction loan monies. It’s simply not fair, but it is after all just money. It’s stressful, but we have each other and lots of wonderful things and a gorgeous beach house, even if we will never recoup what was spent. We’re never selling it, so…. we’re going to enjoy it regardless. 🙂

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