And so I cry sometimes when I’m lying in bed
Just to get it all out what’s in my head
And I, I am feeling a little peculiar

And so I wake in the morning and I step outside

And I take a deep breath and I get real high

And I scream from the top of my lungs

“What’s going on?”

I love this song and I love to sing it loud! Written by Linda Perry, such a talent, check out some of the songs she’s written for other artists. What’s Up came out the year my second child was born. It’s still one of my faves.

I literally, and often, want to scream at the top of my lungs, WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON! I’ve felt this way ever since my reality was shattered. I’m not in trauma anymore, but I still wake up sometimes and think, was I dreaming? Was all that shit real? And then of course I realize it was, real, and really mind blowing.

Most of the shock has worn off, but the crack in my heart is still there. I’m still sad that someone I loved so wholly, hurt me so badly but I have figured out how to move forward in a way that works for me.

My favorite hotel was BOOKED solid on my birthday. After metabolizing this horrible news (kidding, there are lots of glorious hotels in Los Angeles), I sat and thought about what I really wanted for my birthday. I thought about booking a fun Airbnb, with a pool and bringing the kid and the dog, and Blue Eyes of course. But then I realized it would just be like home, but in someone else’s house. I would still clean up after everyone in order to satisfy my OCD nature. Meals would need to be dealt with, most likely by me. It just didn’t feel right.

I opted instead for a luxurious two night stay at a beautiful spa hotel on the beach in Santa Monica. Then I thought about whether I wanted Blue Eyes to be with me. I knew it wasn’t fair of me to ask him to give up work completely for two full week days. This is the way it is in our world. Also, I didn’t want a sulking man child following me around for two days. I decided I did want him with me, especially for meals. After I asked him whether he wanted to go, which he did, I asked him to commit to taking the afternoon and dinner of my birthday off, and dinner the day after my birthday. Just me and him, no work, no phones. I will spend the day after my birthday at the spa relaxing with back to back treatments. Then a nap by the pool, facing the Santa Monica Pier and the beautiful Pacific Ocean. Blue Eyes can spend his day working his heart out from our oceanfront room. Not a bad deal at all. I think my expectations are in line. I’ve made the hotel and dinner reservations. This is my reality, remembering I don’t live in fantasy land where my American Gigolo era Richard Gere look a like husband plans everything for me because he knows exactly what I like and has no fear of choosing the wrong thing. Yeah, that’s not my life.