I spent all day Tuesday (7/20) running around picking up things for my sister who was still safely at the crisis center here in Portland at that point. Again, I didn’t want her spending the night out of a secure facility. I arrived at the crisis center Wednesday morning at about 10:30am. By 11:30am my … Continue reading Tired of pretending, Part Four
Top of the Falls. Yosemite. This post is kind of a continuation of my last only in the fact that the acting out partner played a huge role in Blue Eyes secret sex addicted life for the eight years before discovery. For those who have followed me for a while, or who have read my … Continue reading The letter
In a comment Blue Eyes made on the My identity post a few days ago, he wrote "I am not a two stepper." I had no idea what a "two stepper" was in relation to addiction. So I asked him what it meant to him, then I looked it up (to see what it meant to others). … Continue reading Two stepping
Whenever I read, in a story, an article or a blog entry or wherever, that a person has self-diagnosed as a sex addict after being caught cheating, because theoretically it's a good excuse for bad behavior, I sigh. Whenever I hear someone call someone else a sex addict because the target of hate and disdain … Continue reading Sex Addict
Sometimes talking things out is the best way through, and I'm always grateful for this blog. This entry has been sitting here for a while because I started this post and then abandoned it. Some days, weeks, months, I don't feel like putting my thoughts into words. I guess I would call it a slump. … Continue reading Beyond sobriety
I remember the day I found out my sister was a cutter. She always did the cutting in private, she hid the wounds and the scars. Her pain was hers and cutting was an outlet to release the pain. I knew she didn't do it for attention. I knew she was suffering an agony I … Continue reading Survival
Speaking of amends
While I was searching around for my old post about the other woman stalking us on an airplane, I somehow came across this post regarding Blue Eyes' 8th & 9th steps and making amends. And, because Blue Eyes brought up amends in a comment on my last post (we're not together right now, I'm at … Continue reading Speaking of amends
Did I forget to say how great my husband is?
It seems to me that ever since I wrote the post about Control and the photo of the other woman, I have felt a weird vibe here on the old blog. First let me get this off my chest. My husband has his own path. He is a recovering sex addict. His recovery includes counseling, … Continue reading Did I forget to say how great my husband is?
I won’t give up
I hopped on the elliptical this afternoon and turned my exercise play list to shuffle mode. 'I Won't Give Up' by Jason Mraz was the first song to play. A good warm-up song for me. Actually, listening to this song has brought me through some tough moments over the past four years. It's kind of … Continue reading I won’t give up
Dear Addiction, This is Goodbye
I’m sharing here a blog post written by an addict. The words, Vanessa’s adaptation of them, all of them, mesmerized me and will resonate with me for a very long time. Addiction is a powerful beast. But I have to be totally honest. As I was reading the words, I was picturing Blue Eyes’ last other woman. I was definitely picturing her as the monster who stole my husband’s time, who colluded and conspired against me, who stole something that belonged to me, who talked badly about me, stalked me, demonized ME. I pictured being able to stand in front of her and read the words written here and tell her, she is the devil.
Ah, the last vestiges of trauma have me in their grip today. I know this woman, as horrible as it was for her to use me as her excuse for behaving really badly with my husband, drawing Blue Eyes into her web over and over, and then mercilessly stalking and blaming me, is not responsible for my husband’s addiction. She was merely a prop. She was bad, but she doesn’t hold that kind of power. Addiction holds that power, but I know Blue Eyes is stronger than his addiction. I know Blue Eyes is stronger than the past that shaped him.
I am writing to inform you that I have found another way. I have built a new life, one much different than I have ever known before. A life that brings me the most honest joy and love; a life I don’t need to escape from.
What I am trying to say is…our relationship has run it’s course. This is the end.
I know what you are thinking. That by writing this letter I have found myself in a moment of weakness, but it is actually quite the opposite. You see, I am strong today. Much stronger than I ever thought I could be. Strong enough to recognize that it was you who took everything away from me. It was you who encouraged me to put my substance first and my family last.
I used to spend so much time thinking about you, and I am not so sure that…
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