This post is kind of a continuation of my last only in the fact that the acting out partner played a huge role in Blue Eyes secret sex addicted life for the eight years before discovery. For those who have followed me for a while, or who have read my entire blog (whoa), you have seen this letter before. As part of my husband’s 9th step (the part where he was making amends to me) I asked him to write a letter to his acting out partner that would not be sent to her. Sending it to her would have opened up a door that neither of us wanted opened. I needed him to be honest. He didn’t want to write this letter. He didn’t want to revisit the pain. He didn’t want to give voice to those deep dark places inside him that allowed him to do hurtful things. He didn’t want to think about how what he did shattered my soul in such a profound way. But I needed this letter, and when he realized how much I needed it, he gave it to me. He really gave it to me. Although heartbreaking and painful to read, it allowed me to really believe my husband was willing to go to the deepest places inside him, and dig at the root of his pain, for me.
In trauma therapy last week, somehow Blue Eyes’ 8th & 9th steps came up. Wow was that a painful time. Not the therapy discussion, the actual 8th & 9th steps. It’s here in the recesses of my blog. I regret now bringing up the pain of it, and my utter frustration that he had during his 8th step (the list of who he needed to make amends to) put the names of two girls he lusted after 30 years ago in a law school library (and that he remembered their first and last names!!!), but I forgot to tell her about this letter. I think I’ll send it to her before our first couple’s therapy session, which I’m hoping to get scheduled for February.
I rarely revisit old entries on my blog unless someone comments on them and I need to refresh my memory. When I do run across this letter though, I read it all the way through. It brings me a level of belief that Blue Eyes understands the consequences of his addictive secret life, and that he actually is recovering. When Blue Eyes completed his steps, it was a turning point in his recovery and my healing. We still struggle with his ungroundedness and I talked about this with the therapist. Since he was diagnosed as a sex addict, Blue Eyes is a different person. He doesn’t have his drug to medicate his rough edges and so now he’s actually less grounded. He has his recovery resources, lots of them, but they just aren’t quite the same as a good hard hit. I get it. I do my best to be a good partner.
I need to set the record straight regarding the lies I told you. Lies I told you to your face, about you, and lies I told you about my wife. I need to share with you about who I really am, and how I really feel about my life, and about my wife, my partner, my best friend, and soul mate, Kat.
I lied when I said Kat was not affectionate, that Kat was not loving, that Kat had lost interest in the physical aspects of our relationship. The picture I painted of Kat not being a warm and caring and loving human being could not be further from the truth. Kat has been loving, and passionate, our entire relationship. She has been a caring, giving, and kind human being. Kat has given of herself in the most unselfish way – being there as my best friend, willing to listen and not judge.
From the start what we engaged in, me and you, was a sick relationship based on mutual misery. My relationship with you had nothing to do with you, but had to do with me trying to fix a deep hole that had existed since I was very young. When I reached out via a Craig’s List Ad I was a very sick person. I still am sick, but I am in recovery and making progress every day. At that time, all those years ago, I was looking to find someone that I could manipulate for the purposes of fulfilling my dark secret sexual desires. I wanted and needed power and control. The Ad was a total lie designed to manipulate. To find someone to feel sorry for me. Based on my pathology, I needed someone with low self esteem, that I could continually seek and obtain sexual favors from without having to pay. I was never willing to do anything illegal. I could have easily gone to prostitutes, but I thought that if I paid for it my chances of being found out were greater, and if I was arrested, my professional career could be jeopardized. I am sick in that I would seek out extramarital sex in the first place, but also that I would put a higher value on my career, than on my personal relationships. I had no idea if the Ad would produce anything. But I was hoping for a secret sexual relationship that didn’t cost me any money. Now I know I was looking for a free drug, on demand.
I was never attracted to you in the slightest. I used my mind to create and conjour up fantasies. You were just a vessel, a prop in my sickness that I could gain power over and control through manipulation. I was in fact repulsed by you and afraid to be seen with you. I knew your mere appearance was a great cover if I ever encountered anyone I knew. I knew no one sane would ever believe I was in any kind of relationship with you, particularly anything romantic or sexual. Not only was I repulsed by you, I was embarrassed to be around you. I lied and manipulated you just so I could use you to fulfill your part of my addiction. Every time I saw you I was left with great shame and hatred of myself and fear that I might be discovered. Every time, I told myself it would be the last time. Your continuous phone calls to me when I tried to stop the sexual hookups were torture. Your threats to tell my wife and even calling the home phone and Kat’s cell phone to get me to call you, took a horrific toll on me. I realize I instigated this mess, but you perpetuated torture. I honestly had no idea why I was doing what I was doing and I swore over and over that I wouldn’t ever do it again. Even now, whenever I hear a phone ring I feel great anxiety. You were an absolute monster that I was afraid of, who used the leverage of the secret to keep me on the hook. You had your part to play in this sick relationship. None of that shifts any accountability from me, but frankly, amends are owed to victims and you were anything but a victim. You know my situation, and you elected to torture and threaten me to keep getting your own hit.
Love was never a part of our relationship. While I said I loved you and other compliments, they were all said with the intention of keeping you calm and at bay so that you would continue to act out with me and also not harm me physically. I did not actually mean any of the compliments I said, it was all in the pursuit of the drug and preservation of the addiction and my secret life. I had an on demand morphine drip. I am an addict. I was never addicted to you, I was addicted to the pathology, the high that the control and manipulation–the secret–brought. You, the person, you were never in my fantasies nor did I think about you when we were sexting, ever. If in fact an image of you, the reality of you, popped into my head, that would have nauseated and stopped me dead in my tracks.
There was one time when I came over to your house and you were raving mad in your front yard, apparently yelling at a contractor and he looked at me and said, “your MOTHER is really sick and needs some help.” His words hit me like a sickening wave, coming up from my subconscious and I became very nauseous, and I realized that in some sick way this was related to my mother and that in fact YOU were a caricature of my mother, emotionally abusive, creating fear and anxiety in my life. I had recreated in some context the sick, abusive environment from my home life. It was only my sickness that kept me going back.
On numerous occasions reality would hit me and I would feel like I was letting someone drain my soul. Not only was I losing it, I was giving away what belonged to Kat and me. A sacred gift we should only have shared with each other. You were taking something that was not yours. You were stealing with knowledge. While I was giving it away and taking from my angel, transferring the harm from my bad acts to an innocent, you were doing the same and using blackmail to extort from me. Your relationship with me was based on misery and elements of extortion and addiction. It was based on lies and behind the addiction was a subconscious pathology emanating from abuse. It was all based on deception and dishonesty.
Sometimes when we were having sex, I would see you for what you really were and I prayed that God would take me and I would not end up in Hell. I literally saw the devil incarnate in you. This image still haunts me to this day and makes me sick. I do not believe in the devil. But what I saw was a true reflection of my shadow side. I hated myself so much I was willing to destroy it all and give in to the abyss, the darkness. And yet, I kept going back and now I understand my addiction.
I was a sick child that never developed and I needed to feed my entitlement, the bad and spoiled child, the child that never got his way. The preceding makes me nauseous as it brings me to the reality of how insane I was to jeopardize everything that matters, to throw aside all that is good and pure to just get the fix. Now I have replaced the self hatred and the self loathing I had for myself with love for me. I can be kind to myself and have started to discover my true nature.
I have learned, since I have been in recovery, that I reached out to you because of some deep-seated subconscious belief that I could master or tame my mother, a mentally ill person that suffers from narcissistic personality disorder, who is erratic, evil, and incapable of empathy. This acting out of mine from a subconscious need was totally insane and sick. What I found in you was an unwell, erratic, mean and evil personality that knowingly participated in a covert relationship, and preyed on and stalked my best friend.
You were able to rationalize the relationship in some way even though you knew I had a wife and children. Our relationship was based on lies, the lies I told you, which you had to know were untrue. Based on my actions towards you, my complete neglect of anything real between us, my chronic desire for quick sex and nothing else, I know you know I was lying to you. I tried so many times to stop. I told you what we were doing was wrong and that I felt bad every time. I told you that I could not stop. You were just so desperate to be loved and you equated sex with love and you were so desperate for human contact that even when you knew that it wasn’t love, for either of us, and that we should stop, you let it continue and when I tried to stop for any length of time you harassed me with phone calls and threats and the cycle started all over again.
When you told me that you would only continue seeing me if we went on trips together, I’m not sure how that changed anything in your mind? I guess you really knew that you were an unpaid whore, and you had resolved yourself to that? I guess looking back on it, I was your free whore as well. I do remember you offering to pay ME to spend more time with you and I told you that you could not afford me. I was worried that I would be discovered as I would be walking around with this extra money and that also I now would literally if not technically be a whore. I was your whore. This is all so unbelievable as I write this out to you. Again it was so obviously not real. You paid a lot of your own money to travel with me even though I gave you no time, other than sex. How could any of it be real? I hid from you at the airport until boarding, keeping my distance afraid to be seen with you. I constantly scanned the boarding passengers to make sure no one was there that recognized me. You knew I did not want to be seen with you in public places. When we arrived at hotels and I would have you stay outside instructing you to stay in the lobby, or elsewhere, only giving you the room number after I was safely inside, so we would not be seen together even in cities thousands of miles from home, you had to have known how desperate I was not to be associated with you. When I left the hotel room, I implored you to never follow me out. I was horrified and you knew it when I found out you would follow me and take photos. This was not a real relationship. I simply was embarrassed and ashamed and did not want to be seen with you or identified with you. Is this how someone would treat someone they loved and cherished? No this is how you treat someone you do not want to actually be associated with in any way. After we had sex, I felt deep shame and regret. My strategy always shifted to how do I manage this crazy person and focus on my business… what the fuck have I got myself into, what have I done…. swearing never to do this again. My mind was bombarded with thoughts of how to manage this horrible situation and keep harm from coming to me. How to exit and get away from it. The anxiety would become disabling when the trip would get closer to its end as there had already been several episodes with you acting irrational and crazy. I was afraid of your behavior. I was scared of you and just wanted to get away. I was a coward in that I never did the right thing and walk away from you for good.
I remember our last conversations and how I told you that I was sick and that I needed help. I had said this before but I felt that this time was truly different. That I could not continue the relationship and I must stop or the stress would surely kill me. I had started to become more self aware. I asked you not to contact me. I remember you started to call Kat’s mobile phone all the time, always blocking your number and never leaving a message. I would delete the incoming messages before Kat could see them. You were desperate to start the cycle using your emotional blackmail, but I wanted no part of it. You continued your obsessive and destructive behavior 5 more months. I was exhausted. I was waiting for you to just STOP! On that day in January 2014, I went downstairs when you started another barrage of phone calls, first to my phone. I did not pick up your calls because I wanted it all to end. I did not answer, I did not beg. I did not start the cycle over again. For the first time in my life, I said NO. No to the addiction. No to you. No to the madness. I could just not do it anymore and when you spoke to Kat and she asked if it was true… it was the beginning of not only indescribable torture for my best friend and soul mate, but the same for my children, my precious sons. The nightmare, the wreckage continues to this day. There are always reminders of what I did. There is no statute of limitations to the devastation.
I do believe I was in the process of change when I called off our sick relationship. I had finally started to talk with my therapist about sex addiction. We were getting there. I was on the start of a journey. While discovery and multiple disclosures have immeasurably harmed my family, and my Kat, they are my wreckage and I own them. But your continuous stalking and harassment of Kat revealed your true evil nature and that you would hurt another human being and multiple human beings in pursuit of whatever sick path you were on, is a special type of insanity. How could I have feelings about someone that I was repulsed by, that I did not want to be seen with, that was evil incarnate, that was a proxy in some way for an abusive family system, someone that tortured me and did the same to my family? I don’t know what I would do if I actually saw you again. I have a protocol to tell you to get away from me and to tell you never to contact or seek me or my family out. I will call the police and I will seek a restraining order and I will make your life miserable. But I also will protect my family, my best friend and I would not think twice to use deadly force to protect my family from you, at risk of my own life. To give my life to protect Kat and my children from the wreckage that I have caused in some ways is the only other redemption I can avail myself of besides my recovery work, which is putting me in touch with all that is good and pure in me. I am not in danger of relapse. I have no feelings for you or any other woman other than Kat. You are a product of self loathing and hate that I was never able to extricate myself from. You were the embodiment of self hatred. Nothing that lasts can be manufactured from hatred and misery. The universe does hear. There are no secrets, I was killing myself and I was taking from my Kat and my family what belonged to them. I betrayed the most sacred trust. In my mind I kept you a secret because I did not want to lose what mattered most, my family, and I wanted to keep my addiction. Well, what matters most is my loved ones stayed by my side and every day there is gratitude and awareness and recovery.
The truth about Kat? She has been there for me in sickness and health, in self-doubt, and crisis. I lost and found myself in those loving brown eyes from the first day I met her. I have been safe with Kat. Kat is my sanctuary without judgment. She has endless compassion and understanding. Kat has given of herself with her primary concern being my well-being and happiness in mind. Her generosity, her loving kindness, have enabled to me to hold on to that which is good in me and not give up on myself.
From the first day Kat met me, I was sickly and needy. My family emotionally abused her and yet she decided to stay with me. When my parent’s withdrew their financial support of me, it was Kat who came through for me, supporting my dreams even when it meant I would be far away from her. It was Kat who put her entire life on hold so she could be with me. Kat is the mother of my children. She proceeded to raise and nurture and unconditionally love our children. She made sure that I spent time with them and to this day we continue to build great and joyous family memories. She put the children and my interests before hers, making sacrifices large and small on a daily basis so the children could have the best life and I could pursue my dreams. She turned my business around and righted the ship when it was floundering. My children’s lives, my professional success, even the house we live in would not have been possible with out her unselfish love, dedication, and kindness. Kat is my guardian angel, my best friend, my wife, she is my everything!!!! I will never do anything again to jeopardize my union with Kat.
Kat has chosen to not run, whether it was from the abusive environment that was connected to me from my family of origin or from my own abuse of her. Even at great jeopardy to herself, when it would be easiest and rational to run, Kat has chosen the more difficult and painful pathway. Her love and faith in me, despite all the lies I told about her and the misery I inflicted, has been the light in my darkness. She has been the source of constant gratitude and amazement for me! It has been the closest thing to a miracle for me.
You see, I love and cherish Kat for who she is and every day I thank the universe for this gift. This is what I am fighting for…this is why I will never give up…this is why I am learning to love myself and to embrace all of myself. Kat’s actions have never been about herself, they have always been about something much larger. Before my recovery Kat was my other half, she balanced me out, she completed what I wanted to be, she represented my ideal self. Now I am transforming so that I can finally meet her. Kat has given me the greatest gift of all, a path to completing myself.