It’s been a few days since I posted. Not because I have nothing to write about, or even that I haven’t had time to be on WP as I have continued reading blogs and thinking about my blog. I have been working on another post for about a week, but I have put that aside for this moment.
I am honestly having some worries over my impending out of town travel. I will be traveling alone for the first five days of my upcoming 20 day trip. Me going out of town is a good thing. Me and Blue Eyes being apart for a few days is actually really, really important for us, both individually, and as a couple. I will be with family, with the baby brother who knows the whole story. Blue Eyes will be home with our son and our pets and in his regular routine. The only difference is I will not be home with him. Some of the symptoms Blue Eyes suffers from as he goes through his recovery and detoxification are separation anxiety, general anxiety, and fear.
For the past year, we have hardly been separated for more than a few hours. It was really starting to wear on me. Last summer, Blue Eyes was in his nine day intensive program for sex addicts, but I was also in intense trauma therapy sessions pretty near where he was. We were separated for a time, and it was difficult for both of us. In October, I went to the betrayed spouse seminar and we were apart for three days. Also difficult. It really is a situation of the double edged sword. I want to be with him, but it can be a burden. I used to have so much time to myself, to pursue my own hobbies, to be me. Since October, we have not been apart for more than 12 hours. We have not spent any nights apart since October. To some this may not seem like a big deal as some married couples (like my parents) have rarely ever spent a night apart, but for me and Blue Eyes, for the bulk of our relationship, functioning in a long distance relationship has been the norm. By functioning, I nurtured my independent side, my creative side (writing, painting) and also eventually my single parenting skills. Blue Eyes nurtured his addiction. When we were first engaged, he moved to Japan and I was back in the states. We lived apart during his Japan time for a total of 10 months. Then there was law school. He left for California while I was still finishing my undergraduate degree. We were apart for four months. After we were married and our children were very young, Blue Eyes started traveling for business. At one point early on he was gone for 14 days. Right after he left, I contracted a nasty case of pneumonia, but I wasn’t diagnosed (because I didn’t go to the doctor) for about a week. My entire family worked and I didn’t want to bother any of my friends who also had their own small children, and I didn’t want to potentially infect anyone. Taking care of my own children was extremely difficult, it felt like an elephant was sitting on my chest and the pain and coughing fits were nearly unbearable, but I soldiered on, because that is what I do. I still suffer from bouts of pneumonia. At one point, Blue Eyes lived in another city during the week and returned home on the weekends. He was gone an average of 21 days per month. Later he traveled extensively, especially internationally. Me and the boys were regularly home by ourselves for days and even up to two weeks at a time. This was all part of building a successful business. Now that the business is built, so to speak, there is still lots of domestic and international travel. Up until a couple years ago, when our second boy went off to college, my husband traveled with sales guys, or from what I knew, alone. As it turns out, from 2008-2012, he was not alone on 10 of those business trips. This “not being alone,” was a manifestation of the sex addiction he suffers from, and that he kept secret. Post high school graduation of The Peacemaker, I traveled with my husband and he rarely ever saw his acting out partner. Breaking it off with her in 2013 had somehow become a viable option for Blue Eyes. At that point, he only traveled with me and/or the sales guys.
So now, as I prepare to leave town, and leave Blue Eyes here alone, I want to believe he is far enough along in his healing to not want to “act out” sexually, but there is that little nagging voice in my head warning me to not get my hopes up. Addiction recovery is a long and stressful process. He is not perfect. I know he says he will be fine and that he IS strong enough and he has lots of resources, but I have my doubts. This little nagging fear won’t stop me from going, but the seeds are planted. One way or the other, going away for a few days without him will be good for me. If I didn’t have some worries, I don’t think I would be facing the reality of the situation. Blind trust is not appropriate at this point in my relationship with my husband. I gave him that, and he failed me. I am an incredibly trusting person, probably because I am trustworthy. I am not jealous and nosy, probably because I have nothing to hide. There seems to be an overwhelming feeling amongst friends, family, support groups, and even bloggers, that my husband is lucky to have me by his side. I tend to agree, but at the same time, it is glaringly obvious to me that I do not have the same quality of partner that he has in me, at least not yet. I am here for him, but who is really here for me?
I know, I know, I am here for me. I’m not talking about me. I will always be here for me. In my partnership, I don’t want it to be one-sided. The expectations are there that my partner will be loyal, faithful, loving, kind, and present. Otherwise, why stay? My impression of the current situation is that Blue Eyes is still not the partner I seek. It is too early. He has a lot more work to do. I still possess the faith in me that he will, one day, be that partner.
Me going away is another little challenging step on this long journey. For Blue Eyes, it is a chance to prove to himself that he is becoming the man he always wanted to be. For me, it is the chance to get that little break I need, for my own good, and it is one little chance for Blue Eyes to prove to me that he is the partner I seek.