I'm still counting down the days to trauma therapy... four more. One of the things the trauma therapist asked for was a document explaining what I hoped for our time together. What I want to accomplish. Here's what I sent her. I honestly didn't know what to say. It was difficult to write out how … Continue reading What do I want
anxiety
Anxiety abroad
I am currently in Japan. Blue Eyes is super busy with work while I get to enjoy some leisure and family time. We're celebrating my Mom's 75th and my niece's (The Princess) 4th birthday here in Tokyo. My baby brother (GQ) has lived in Tokyo for 24+ years now and I'm glad we have business … Continue reading Anxiety abroad
A Woman Under the Influence
My younger son, The Peacemaker, is really into classic films. He is a budding filmmaker himself. He has subscribed to a website by which he can access old movies that aren't readily available on other sources. We've watched numerous films from all over the world and of varying genres and spanning decades. We recently watched … Continue reading A Woman Under the Influence
Turbulence on re-entry
At this point, I feel like readers are pretty aware that with all the fun of travel and beach houses, and all that jazz going on in my life, inevitably struggles will sneak their way in because, you know, living with a sex addict ain't easy. Frankly, after 33 years, I'm not sure living with … Continue reading Turbulence on re-entry
I’ve made a lot of excuses
As much as I would love to say I am just pleasantly plump, or a little chubby, I have a lot of fat on my body. I teeter between overweight and obese, per all those handy BMI calculators. For me to give this diabetes control situation a chance, I need to get into the normal … Continue reading I’ve made a lot of excuses
On being an addict
Below is an old blog post Blue Eyes wrote while he was working on his fourth step. I thought I had read everything on his blog, but somehow I missed this. Honestly, I think this post speaks so very clearly to his struggle with being an addict. It was extremely difficult for me to read because as he said the same things over and over, the same concepts, the same fears, I could literally feel his emotions rising up in my own chest. I could feel the tenseness and anxiety. I could feel the fear. In my opinion he has made great strides since he wrote this post. I can see the progress. As two flawed people, we continue to work this path together.
Incoherent Thoughts on Fear
My therapist thought it would be a good idea for me to journal about Fear and specifically as it relates to Women, my mother, the last acting out partner, and my soulmate. Of course I have been in fear about writing this and naturally put it off until I could not take it anymore…
Women in General – because of the relationship with my mom I definitely was uncomfortable and feared woman. I did not know how to have a normal relationship with a woman. I was always latching on, moving to quickly, sexually tilted craving relationships, I would scare woman away. I think I did this because I did not feel worthy and was trying to put a bandage on this huge wound of abandonment. I can remember rejecting girls and later women that had interest in me because I just was afraid and scared…
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Lost identity
In the shower this morning I realized I am having an identity crisis. I have written so much here on my blog. I have spilled out who I am, what has happened to me both before and after I found out about my husband's secret life, how I feel about addiction, how I feel about … Continue reading Lost identity
The new normal
Well, it's been a while. We returned a couple days ago from an 11-day trip to New York, New Jersey, and Atlanta, mostly for business. If not for the fact that Blue Eyes caught a bad cold and was sick as a dog the entire trip, and I mean he came down with it ON the … Continue reading The new normal
Here we go again
Anger is often called a secondary emotion because we tend to resort to anger in order to protect ourselves from or cover up other vulnerable feelings. A primary feeling is what is felt immediately before we feel anger. We almost always feel something else first before we get angry. We might first feel afraid, attacked, offended, disrespected, … Continue reading Here we go again
I did it
I made it through that fucking colonoscopy like a champion. Ha, I am patting myself on the back, obviously, for something thousands of people do every single day without complaining. A routine procedure, if you will. The thing is though, I never realized before how toxic trauma can really be. I never realized simple fears could … Continue reading I did it
try not to cry on my rainbow 