We have had a string of really nice days together, me and Blue Eyes. Sweden was tough, so many triggers, but I do believe I have taken the country back. She no longer owns it.
New York and seeing our older son was pretty amazing although it was so bleeping cold, geez with the windchill it felt like 25 degrees… at least that cold. We took a couple of taxis when we should have walked because we were just too cold. I will be happy to get back home and back into the swing of things.
I am writing this literally while we are on the plane home. I cannot believe I have been gone 20 days! I just finished my 2nd Paris post, but need to wait until I get to real internet to add the photos as the bandwidth on the plane internet won’t let me load a photo on WP. Honestly, everything has been going so well (other than the fact that we threw many of our healthy eating habits out the window over the past two weeks and need to get back on plan tomorrow). No crying on my part since Paris, well, maybe just a couple of tears of anger and frustration in Stockholm, but hardly worth the mention. New York was great as we have been there so many times as a couple and as a family since he was there with her that it holds absolutely no triggers for me now.
We arrived at JFK this afternoon and made it through security without incident. Usually JFK gives us a run for our money, but thankfully, today, smooth sailing. We got on our crappy old plane to head the many hours home and we plop ourselves down in Row 2. Interestingly, after a good 10 minutes, half the seats in first class were still empty but we figured people were just running late. I am on high alert as this type of a flight would be one that Camilla would most likely show up on if given the opportunity. Like the flight in December from Hawaii, she could have easily flown to NY and back home in one day. She probably could have purchased this flight for a reasonable amount, and it is a Thursday, same day of the week as the Hawaii flight, her day off. Thankfully she is not on this flight. Weirdly though, we have seen two women since yesterday that have looked enough like her to make both me and Blue Eyes do a double take. Yesterday we were in a restaurant in Hell’s Kitchen near our hotel, and there was a woman at a table across from us that bore an uncanny resemblance to Camilla. She was slightly younger and thinner and her hair was a little shorter and she was wearing glasses, but seriously. I was obsessed with her the entire meal. I even took a photo when she got up to leave. I would post it here, but the crappy airplane internet… you know. There was also a lady that got on this plane that looked a bit like Camilla. Really, I wish I could forget what she looks like altogether.
Just as everyone is loaded on the plane and they are about to shut the doors, two women rush on board. One is a quiet heavyset brunette who causes no drama. Her friend is a 30 something platinum (dyed) blonde with a tight sleeveless dress on (great body) and pretty face. She literally acts like she owns the plane. She is frantically looking for a place in the upper compartments to house her large roller suitcase. At this point everyone is seated nicely and all our bags are securely stowed above our seats. There appears to be no room for her bag. She starts asking the flight attendants to find place for it “in their closet.” When they say it is too heavy by FAA standards to go in the closet and wouldn’t fit anyway, both the blonde and the flight attendant start shifting things around above us. A guy behind us quickly jumps out of his seat to help the “ladies.” He graciously moves his much smaller bag to a different compartment leaving some room above our seat. Out comes Blue Eyes coat, then his computer bag in order to accommodate this woman’s humungous bag. Blue Eyes ends up with his belongings under the seat in front of him. Platinum blonde does not thank him or anyone. She just sits in her bulkhead row in front of me with a flourish and asks for a drink. As soon as the flight attendant is gone, she reclines her seat back into my lap… these 737’s are notoriously awful planes and even in first class, there is no leg room and with her seat reclined, my tray table and laptop are shoved against my belly. Oh well, I guess that’s not her fault but she could have at least waited until we were at 10,000 feet.
Anyway, the plane leaves and Camilla is not on the flight and I am not anxious at all. Then, there is a rush on the bathroom once we reach cursing altitude and Blue Eyes is getting perturbed. He really wants to use the facilities. I suggest he get up and stand at the front and just wait until the bathroom is vacant and he will surely be the next one in. He does do this and I am sure he had every intention of looking back at me and smiling while he was waiting for the restroom. But instead, his eyes go directly to the platinum blonde in front of me and he flashes her a flirty smile and THEN he realizes I am behind her and he smiles at me. I look at him with an incredulous look and he quickly comes back to the seat and says… “I was smiling at you, not at her.” Really? REALLY? Then why are you explaining yourself? Why would you even need to say anything at all. I tell him quietly that lying is unnecessary. I am just extremely disappointed that he 1) flirted with another woman right in front of me, and 2) lied about it.
He used the restroom and then sat back down at his seat and wrote out a note to me telling me he was sorry if my perception was that he had smiled at another woman. That he didn’t and that he was actually looking at me. But that he realizes that my “perception” is all that matters and he is terribly sorry that I have that perception. OMG. It was not my perception, it was the reality of the situation. It is not difficult to tell when someone is looking at you, or looking at the woman in front of you. Not to mention, that look that he gave her is reserved for women who are not his wife. In the lingo of the sex addicts, it is called grooming. It happens without them even thinking about it or possibly not even realizing it. Geez. Thanks Blue Eyes, nice way to ruin my great mood and to send your recovery back 10 steps. It also does not help that he was giving the sexy eye to the horrid self absorbed, self entitled platinum blonde in front of me who seems to think her chair should recline into a flat sleeping position IN MY LAP!!!
I can’t wait to be home.
try not to cry on my rainbow 
Fucker… I’m a curser too altho it was pointed out by another (cheater) blogger that it made me look dumb?? And being a cheating asshole doesn’t?? LOL!! Glad you’re home. Glad your husband at least had the ability to know that he had pissed you off even if he wasn’t man enough to admit what he’d done. Why are men reduced to 14 year old boys when they see a pair of tits?? I have no fucking idea!!
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Wow. You have had your share of negative comments. Fuck ’em, ha! I do not curse a lot in real life except at my husband, so this is it. If I sound dumb, I don’t really give a fuck! 🙂 . I loved reading your blog all those months ago. It was so refreshing. I hope it helped you get out some of the shit feelings, because it sure helped reading it! Yeah, it has been so long since he pulled this kind of thing. He does not really realize he is doing it and that is what bothers me most. I realize boys will be boys and all that (and I might even be caught taking a quick second glance at a hot bod, but I never smile and flirt, never). Unfortunately, with the sex addiction, my husband doesn’t get to do this kind of thing… it can propel him into his addiction. I really don’t think things would have gone farther even if I hadn’t been there, but it still pisses me off. Not to mention the woman, geez, they are like vultures!
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I do not curse (much) in real life either unless I’m REALLY pissed off LOL! I think the cursing did help me. Glad it helped you too 🙂 Finding out my husband was a cheating asshole was by far the worst thing that had ever happened to me and I saw no reason to sugar coat it. Yes he did fuck her, he was an asshole and I needed to use those kind of words to describe what he had done and how I felt. It made me feel so much fucking better LOL! My husband does not necessarily flirt but he has always checked women out. It never used to really bother me but now it really pisses me off. I guess for your husband its like wafting cocaine under the nose of a recovering drug addict…
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And……it can so easily happen……a conversation strikes up …….
I bet he learnt his lesson but what happens when we are not there? This is what I keep saying to H!!!! He says he has boundaries in place but it starts with a smile and an acknowledgment and a stupid woman.
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Yep, this is where the lack of trust becomes most apparent for me. I don’t think BE would let it get very far as he has committed to his new life, but the fact that he starts anything at all is bothersome. The awareness must overpower the ego. Only time will tell…
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Selfish blonde bitch!!!!! Sorry I just love cursing and I hate that some people just don’t give a damn about others. I can curse at all altitudes and I have always had a great vocabulary in that area. H used to tell off daughters when in their late teens they expressed themselves in what I consider quite appropriately in dire circumstances. He would say it is not lady like …blah blah. Mr holier than thou was doing far worse. Grrrrr
Sorry about the smile you caught at her. I feel for you and I know what it does. I now find myself watching him whenever we are out and about and a good looking girl or woman walk past. He knows I watch him too so he behaves.
Just fucking sucks!!!!!
He finally gets it now too. He has said many times that he now understands how demoralising it must have been for me to have him do this in front of me. Why why why could he not understand it at the time. Why did he have to feel he was entitled to ‘ be friendly’!!!!! It wasn’t being friendly…it was fucking flirting!!!!!
Welcome home Kat!!!!!!!!!!!
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Thanks for the welcome home. Yes, ladies like the one on the plane are a dime a dozen. She means nothing to me, however, the fact that my husband’s instinct is to smile at her just because she is a pretty woman on the outside (even though he saw how self absorbed and rude she was) is discouraging. Old habits die hard, but he needs to work harder at being self aware and stopping this behavior before it starts. All these years I made excuses for him… he loves to flirt with women because he loves people, he loves women. Nope. But I did not know the truth. I was an ignorant fool. Anyone that treats women the way my husband does is a predator driven by addiction. When we went to leave the plane and she needed to get her bag from above our seats, she was standing so close to BE. I honestly think she thought he was going to get her bag down for her. When she asked him to move out of her way, she kept trying to make eye contact with him, but he avoided her like the plague (he learned his lesson quick that time). When we went into the airport, she was hanging back and I honestly believe she was going to try to strike up a conversation with him. I don’t think she even knew we were together. Sick, sick people.
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Well, at least Camilla missed that plane…
So sorry that you had to be witness to that, but probably good for BE to be called out and put on the spot. I cannot imagine trying to be part of his recovery and your own is an easy path. I hope you know I’ve cried with and for you.
My husband only suffers from wayward assholitis…(self-righteous, entitled, insensitive) The ability carry on after an affair (aka “nothing”,) as though everything is the same; ability to patronize his betrayed, to make himself appear less guilty, ability to talk about “affair partner” as though he believes I give a shit. (And when reminded that I really don’t, acts offended as if I’ve insulted his friend, and proceeds to pout.) Inability to comprehend enormity of destruction they recklessly and carelessly inflict on their spouse because of their selfish actions. Ability to minimize an affair, believes and equates cheating as such as one does in a card or board game.
I’m almost 6 months since Dday. I don’t believe my husband and I have started reconciliation, let alone recovery. Today it feels like it just happened.
(Ok sorry to be a downer… Don’t mean to hijack your post❤️)
I’ve read your husbands’ blog. I hope that he is truly as introspective as he writes and that you are able to find something of comfort in them.
Home should feel good after 20 days!
xo
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I cannot believe it has been six months since dday for you. It seems like yesterday I was reading your first post! I do believe my husband is as introspective as he writes, although I wish he would just figure out his shit beforehand so that he didn’t have to put me through it, but he does not want to talk about his affair partners at all as he is horrified by them, especially the last one. For that I am grateful.
I am SO happy to be home!!! ❤
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Don’t you find a warped sense of time since Dday? I know I do. Days and weeks have morphed together months even. Just weird…
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Yes, some days it feels like minutes since her phone call, other days it seems like years. Some days I just sit for what seems like forever, thinking…. why am I still here?
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Fuck! I hope I have got that at cursing altitude (sorry, that typo was so on the money I couldn’t help myself, Kat xxx)
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Very funny, you! Ha, I had to read back through to see the typo. I am going to leave it so your comment always makes sense. 🙂 .
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By the way, cursing altitude for me is always ground level, and above, and frankly anything below too.
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Now a days for me, cursing is allowed anywhere I am occupying space. I’m 46 and I can promise you my dad (a very religious man) has heard me curse more in the past 5 months than the past 46 years!
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Me too Kat! Potty mouthed. And worse since cheating in my life. I thought it was a fantastic faux pas!
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