I am the wife

Painted in Waterlogue

I am heading off to a painting workshop in Southern California. I am a little anxious as I will be painting outside (plein air) and I will be working with acrylics. I have never painted in acrylics before, only oils and watercolors. I am reaching outside my comfort zone and I am also very excited. I was going to attend this workshop last April, but due to my trauma, I cancelled. I could not imagine standing around trying to focus, trying to paint, while a dozen other people stood around enjoying themselves, immersed in the beautiful landscape, and in their art. I have not picked up a paint brush since dday.

In preparation of leaving tomorrow morning, I am packing up all my supplies for the road trip/painting workshop. I have my paints, my brushes, my canvases, and my outdoor portable easel among many many other things. I went searching for my sketch pad and pencils. I found my sketch pad in the bottom of a bag I had taken on one of our trips last year. I often take a sketchbook in hopes I will feel a burst of artistic energy. Last year I barely opened the pad. Apparently once last year, in my trauma, I had opened my sketch pad and instead had used it to jot down my feelings after reading a few mistress blogs and “articles” on the internet. I kind of go on and on in my ramblings about these particular articles and what the mistresses say to rationalize their behavior. One British woman had the nerve to write that when our husbands are with her, we are the other woman. Oh yeah, okay, sure we are… the other woman who holds every single aspect of our marital relationship in tact except the few minutes he spent fucking you, bitch. It still blows my mind, even today, how many women think sex alone makes for a meaningful relationship. I’ve written about this, so I won’t go on and on about it again, but it still frustrates me, and I am guessing it always will. Sex is sex ladies. They can do it for themselves, but if you are going to offer up your body to them, like a whore, many of them will take it, many more than I ever would have thought before dday. There are a lot of messed up people out there. And of course it goes the other way too, but you just hardly ever read similar self congratulatory articles by men glorifying themselves for helping a wife betray her husband. At least I haven’t seen many. So reading a couple of those articles including one entitled “I am the mistress” prompted me to jot this down in my sketchbook:

To: The Mistress

You are the woman who mistook meaningless sex for love. You are the woman who took something that didn’t belong to you. You are the woman who rationalized that you could steal a man from his family. You are the woman who tried to destroy multiple lives. I was NEVER the other woman. YOU, on the other hand, are the woman who meant nothing to my husband.

I am the wife

I am the woman who loves my husband. I am the woman who gladly lies down in bed next to my husband every night whether it is to listen to his woes, have passionate sex, laugh with him about something our kids said or did that day, or to just fall asleep in his arms. I am the woman who said “I do” over 25 years ago, and really, really meant it. I am the woman who respects my husband so much I would never cheat on him. I am the woman who has solid boundaries and does not have emotional relationships with other men, especially not married men, because I would never disrespect my husband (or any human being) in such a hurtful manner. I am the woman who spent hours in hospitals with the man of my dreams while he received test after test, and I worried. I am the woman who waited patiently during surgery after surgery, and again, I worried. I worried myself sick. I am the woman who never stopped believing in my husband, and I am the woman who cherishes his drive, his intelligence, his charisma, his charm, his brilliance. I am the woman who gave birth to his babies. I am the woman who ran his business, his house, and parented his children while he was away. I am the woman who held him and kissed him good-bye and welcomed him home with loving arms, every single time he was away. I am the woman who missed him every day he was gone from us. I am the woman who adores sex with my husband and never felt like it was my duty, because I wanted it too. I am the woman who worried over my husband’s inability to cope when in the presence of his parents. I am the woman who encouraged my husband to seek out therapy after his brother’s suicide. I am the woman who ran interference with “the in-laws” for more than 30 years. I am the woman who also has a life of her own and was happy and I am the woman who never took her marriage for granted. I am the woman who trusted my husband to never lie about me and to never betray me. I am the woman who was blindsided by your phone call. I am the woman who now fears for her own safety. I am the woman who is standing by my husband, and I am the woman who will never stop loving him. I am the woman who has forgiven her husband and who continues to walk with him on his road to recovery. I was NEVER the other woman.

I am the woman who now gets to pick up the pieces of her marriage because women like you were willing to trade their bodies for a few hours of attention from a man who doesn’t belong to them. It is true that my husband is culpable, but if not for women like you, there wouldn’t be such a thing as extramarital sex.

I was NEVER the other woman. I am the wife.

18 thoughts on “I am the wife

  1. Congratulations on taking back pieces of yourself one step at a time and reattempting your passions. I hope you will post some of your works, I would love to see them.
    Also, I want to say that you are not just “the woman who…. ” You ARE a woman. The mistress is not. Women do not do that to each other.
    Lots of love,
    C

    Liked by 1 person

    • I totally agree. Women do not do that to each other. It’s just wrong.

      When I complete a painting, I will post about it with pictures. This is so far out of my comfort zone, it’s a little crazy. I walked into the art store here in Santa Barbara and there was a Frida poster/flyer (not sure what it was for I was in such a hurry) and I immediately thought of you. Today we were at the botanical gardens painting outside, of course, it’s a plein air workshop, and a big wind came up and blew my palette paper right onto my painting, paint everywhere. There were ants crawling all over and a gecko climbed into my purse. I am not sure this painting outside thing is for me, ha. 🙂 Seriously though, it has been a lot of fun. Tomorrow we head to the beach… sunshine, wind, sand, new adventures!

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    • Just packed up all my supplies in the “art bin” I have had since I was 18! Figured out how to use my plein air easel and everything starts tomorrow morning. I am very very excited! 🙂

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  2. Well said! I am still (almost three years post D-day) shocked, disappointed and angry that so many women try to steal other women’s husbands. Firstly, I can’t understand, once the initial euphoria of having a man has worn off, how the crumbs of a relationship can be enough for anyone. Why would anyone be prepared to offer their bodies whenever it’s convenient for the man only to then be reduced to the bottom of the heap in terms of his personal priorities? How can you feel in a loving relationship with someone KNOWING that they are sharing someone else’s bed? What type of pathology is this. And then to make up stupid stories to themselves to rationalise their behaviour – how can it possibly be worth the effort. The husband they are with is a liar so why do they assume that they are NOT being lied to? They prostitute themselves for terms of endearment and a promise of taking over the wife’s life. There is something so very wrong about this. I agree, I don’t think men shagging someone else’s wife are quite so naïve or spiteful.

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    • Yes, it’s mind boggling how low self esteem can work its weasly way into a woman’s core so she can rationalize such destructive and humiliating behavior. And for the ones that gloat and go on saying they don’t really want our husbands, just the sex, they are morally corrupt and sociopathic. What is going on with society and our women that we teach women, train them even, to be dependent on men’s approval for their self worth? So much so that they would steal from another woman then throw it in her face. Obviously I know the men are culpable and somehow they become emotionally bankrupt and do something selfish knowing it will wound their life partner… or worse yet, they have culled the skills to block us out completely. It’s always about the betrayal, not the sex act. The AP’s are delusional and potentially mentally ill. Some actually don’t want our marriage, just some male attention on their own terms and schedule because they don’t want all that goes with the 24/7 relationship, like kids, marriage, all those nasty habits our husbands have (like cheating), so they take what they want and leave the rest. Selfish and spoiled? Or flat out liars knowing our husbands want them for one thing only, so they rationalize. They are not wife material, so they settle for something temporary and far less satisfying. I think deep down they know they are being lied to, it’s part of the sickness of it. No matter how you slice it, they need psychological counseling. What a mess!

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  3. So beautifully articulated and so correct and true and just so right. So very true. I am going to re blog this because I don’t want to lose this piece and I gunk I will need to read it from time to time. Thank you Kat!
    Having not picked up a paintbrush for so long are you a bit worried you still have the passion? Maybe withe the motivation of a class and the scenery it will all be good.
    My hobby wAs making quilts by hand. I had a room in the house full of fabrics and projects and inspirations. I now have all that packed up in boxes with no desire to return to that creativity. Even with friends having babies I would usually make them a quilt. My niece is having a baby in oct so I am wondering if I will be able to make her anything.
    I have been playing with mandalas. I find then relaxing and mindless but I just love colors and combinations so maybe this is the first step to regain my hobby.
    I love watercolors and love the wash look. I hope you enjoy the classes and look forward to hearing about them.
    Have a great road trip. I have driven the coastal road and it still lives as one of the most scenic trips of my life. Enjoy that beauty and enjoy your time together. Hugs xxxxx

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    • Well, CF, I haven’t had the passion to paint since dday. I have been painting since I was a teen. In the 70’s I used to tole paint (a type of American Folk Art painting usually on wood or metal). My mother still has all my old pieces. I love my family, they think my art is really great. They are easily impressed! Ha! Then I painted in watercolor in college and while we were in Kyoto I also took Sumi-e painting classes, Sumi-e is Japanese ink wash painting. I took up oil painting about eight years ago. I know as soon as I pick up the brush, I will be back in the game, but I am a little worried about painting in a new medium with a group of people and a professional painter. The instructor is so so sweet. She suggested I just set up right next to her and she will guide me through everything. I am so used to oils, which mix well and take a long time to dry. I work for many months on one painting and it takes forever to dry and you can easily work over and over an area. Apparently acrylics dry very fast and the colors are brighter than I normally work with. The instructor also paints in the Fauvist style and I have always been sort of a neurotic realist. I am excited to step way outside my comfort zone not to mention we will be outside in Santa Barbara painting in the open air at the botanical gardens, the beach, and one other location I’m not sure of. I am getting really excited. I really want to push myself. It will be good for me and although Blue Eyes is traveling with me, he won’t be around while I am painting, so it will be time for myself and to hopefully meet some new friends.

      I hope you re-gain your passion for quilting. Three years ago my mother & father, and my husband went in on my birthday gift and got me a really nice sewing machine with the intention that I would start quilting. I have taken a couple quilting classes over my life. My mother does a lot of machine quilting. I have only done hand quilting. I have yet to read the manual on my machine and/or use it. Some day… on my Get Crafty Pinterest board, I have some beautiful quilts pinned for future reference. Honestly, pinning on those boards gets me excited about so many things, that is why I love Pinterest.

      If I can get up the nerve, I will probably post some pictures of my adventure sometime soon! Tomorrow we have another long day of driving. Long days of driving always prompt some long (and sometimes painful) conversations. So far so good! I am determined to keep up my good attitude. Hugs!

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  4. You’re also the woman strong enough to keep your footing amidst a threat intent on doing you harm. A woman who honors her commitment even when every one around her would understand if she decided to run. You are a woman to be cherished because you are made of incredible character,

    Liked by 3 people

    • Thank you so much for your incredibly kind words. Even though most of the above post was written months ago, on some trip or another, I am happy to report I am doing much better and hardly ever think about the other woman. I have gotten over my fear and anxiety for the most part and feel like I have re-gained my life. Blue Eyes and I still struggle with his recovery, but it is just us now and he is completely changing how he copes with life. I gain more perspective every day. I think of you often and wish you peace and strength. It sounds like you are doing well. I hope that great job abroad happens soon!

      Liked by 2 people

  5. Really good post. Is that one of your paintings??? It’s beautiful. I would love to take some art classes at our university. My grandmother painted so maybe I have a wee bit of talent if I give it some nourishing?

    I’ve gone on mistress blogs before. I get a kick out of the arrogance and desperation. I NEVER post. Which ones have you read? LOL actually I can’t remember the names of the ones I read but they are crazy out there. I swear some are lovesick teenagers postings.

    Have a great time on your travels and your class. Is Blue Eyes going? You are a very good writer.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks for your nice compliments!!! Painting is great fun! Blue Eyes is with me and I am getting more and more excited for my workshop to begin on Saturday. I cannot even remember what blogs I read way back when… I’ve given them up. So far so good on this road trip… we have had some doozies since dday. I’m hoping for all good days and no tears this time around.

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