I recently received a Liebster Award nomination from Eve at Eve’s Strange Applesauce. She states the following reasons for nominating me: “for being so honest about the highs and the lows of her experience and sharing good recipes. Also because she manages to irritate me on some level and feel respect for her at the same time.”
Thank you, Eve.
Please remember that I do state numerous times on my blog how honest I am, and I will not hide my feelings now. Here are my thoughts regarding this nomination. First, I do honestly tell my own truth. It is mine alone. Blue Eyes also has his own truth and I am sure he takes issue with things I say and do, but now he is afraid of voicing some of those feelings because he thinks he has hurt me enough. The truth is, I want his honesty more than I want him to try and spare my feelings. I hope he can get past his fear. Second, I need to share more recipes. Third, as I stated to Eve in her comment to me informing me of the nomination, I don’t think she is the only person I annoy and guess what? I am totally NOT surprised. Fourth, I appreciate the fact that Eve can feel respect for me even though I irritate her. I think many of my friends and much of my family feel the same way. Overall, I think people understand I know we are all fallible human beings and we do the best we can. Do I understand some of the things other people do?… no. But I try. I also absolutely despise the situation I have been tossed into and the trauma and sheer torment I have experienced in the past 17 months (17 months TODAY!!!–Blue Eyes gets his 18 month chip tomorrow!) and that trauma is really the reason why I have this particular blog in the first place. I am trying desperately to move away from the dark clouds of the trauma and into the sunshine of my happy place. Fifth, these awards feel a lot like chain letters to me and I hesitate to carry them forward, but I ultimately do because I want to respect the person who nominated me and hopefully give them some recognition, and if I nominate someone it is most likely because I really want to hear what they have to say about themselves through the questions that have to be answered to fulfill the rules of the award? At this point I am not really sure what the rules are or that the rules are all that strictly enforced (by whom? where? is there a blogging award committee that polices this type of thing?). And finally, Sixth, there is a chance Eve is testing me. Technically, Eve’s is a blog I would not follow due to previous self-imposed rules regarding women who cheat with other women’s husbands. I think she wants to see if I will keep my rules in tact. Well, I thought about that. However, I decided a while back that I do not like to lump people into this all consuming category of mistress or cheater. I do use the terms when venting, but I endeavor to treat people as individuals, not as labels. Eve makes some really thought provoking comments on my blog, and I appreciate that. I want to respect her for the time she puts into reading and commenting on my blog. When I find a blog that gives me that horrible pit in my stomach feeling (mostly from lack of remorse or brutal attacks on betrayed spouses by the blog owner), I stop following. Otherwise, I’m learning and growing in this process.
The nomination includes ten questions to answer about myself (and boy do I love to talk about myself 😉 ):
1. What did you want to be or do when you were a small kid?
From the beginning, I wanted to be a teacher. I loved school and I loved my teachers and I actually got along better with teachers than I did with my peers. I changed my mind while I was working that first full-time job post high school at the printing company. I was surrounded by bookkeepers and accountants and I decided that accounting was a viable, practical career. I eventually changed my major to general business and found my niche in helping manage operations of companies. In hindsight, for years now I have thought that I should have been a teacher or a psychologist. I think those careers would have ultimately allowed me to be happier in the work I do, but the business world has been lucrative, especially with a highly intelligent, educated workaholic husband by my side.
2. If you had the choice knowing what you know now and could erase one thing (but only one) from your life at will: would it be the experience of adultery you had, or not? And if you want to explain: why?
Wow, this is a very difficult question because I am not sure I really understand it. I did not commit adultery, but I definitely experienced adultery since it was perpetrated on me and my marriage. If I say I would like to erase the phone call from the other woman, I would be lying. If I could erase the fact that my husband is an adulterer, well, again I am not sure I would do that either. Stay with me here… my husband is a sex addict and adultery is only one aspect of his pathology. Without the adultery and the eventual phone call, I think he would have lived out his entire life hiding his secret shame. So, no. I guess in the end I would have to say I would not erase the adultery from my life. I love my husband and I love the two human beings we created. I hate that I have to live with the pain, but I will not say I would erase it. I don’t think I could have said this a year ago. For this question alone, and the process I just went through in my mind answering it, I think this award is worth it.
3. What does music mean to you? How do you experience it?
I heard this saying somewhere, music is what feelings sound like. I have an incredibly eclectic music library that includes almost all genres. Music, to me, means joy, and pain, and inspiration, and sadness, and happiness, and expression, and movement, and rhythm, and memories, and love. I experience it through listening, and feeling, and dancing, and exercise, and sharing with others. Playing the piano helped me gain an even deeper respect for the artists who create it. Whereas The Peacemaker had his sports, The Pragmatist embraced the arts, and music was no exception. He played the piano for 10 years, the violin for 5 and he taught himself guitar and banjo and we were blessed with the sound of his music for many years. Music allows me to feel deeply, to be introspective, and quiet, and loud, and active, and peaceful. Music is an incredible form of art, a vehicle for expressing emotions, and I wouldn’t want to have to live without it.
4. If you knew you had only one week left to live, what would you do with it?
I would spend it at the coast surrounded by my entire family, as many as I could get there in time just cooking my favorite food, and playing games, and talking and laughing and enjoying every person I love including the littlest nephew (now four months old) and the littlest niece (now seven months old), listening to the dreams of all my siblings and all their children, and embracing my parents, my own children, and my husband. I have been lucky enough already to travel a lot and read what I want to read and watch what I want to watch and although I would love to see Machu Picchu, and the Australian coastline, and the Galapagos Islands, and all the other wonders of the world, I’m not sure anything but being surrounded by my loved ones would matter at that point.
5. What do you really like about yourself?
I love my feet, ha. The one part of my body I have always loved shopping for. Seriously though, I love that deep inside, I am compassionate and nurturing to the human spirit. I love that I can forgive myself for not being perfect. I love that I want to get up and face every day and do the best I can.
6. And what do you find difficult to accept about yourself? Is there something in that feature that might still serve a purpose?
Sometimes I give more to others than I give to myself. Yes, absolutely there is a lesson to be learned. Loving and treating myself with respect first helps me be a better partner, friend, parent, child, and a healthier happier person.
7. What last made you laugh out loud?
This one is easy. I was sitting on my bed putting my shoes on to take our dogs for a walk and our mini Aussie, Bernie, was so excited, he flew onto our bed and knocked me flat on my back and licked my face. That dog makes me laugh out loud every day.
8. When did you do something really crazy for the last time and what was it?
Well, crazy is a relative term. I do a lot of things others might consider crazy, but they are normal to me… remember my blogger name. 🙂 Possibly it was the time I tried to get our grey tabby cat to wear a doll dress. She was terribly upset and she backed up at a high speed all around the house until she was actually eventually able to back right out of the dress. I know it sounds cruel, but it was very humorous. Out of respect for her dignity, I did not videotape it. I put the same dress on our Persian and she just sat there like, yeah, I’m a beautiful princess with a dress on, so what! I did not ride naked on a bicycle in a parade. I did not enter an eating contest. I did not jump out of a plane or bungee jump. I know, I am a really boring person.
Amended 2/8/16. I just re-read this post and I would like to say I now think the craziest thing I have ever done was drive to the other woman’s place of work and wait in the parking lot for her to exit from her swing shift job (basically in the middle of the night). I think I was trying to verify that she was real and that she was really as awful as I thought she was, which still doesn’t make sense to me. She turned out to be even more awful in multiple ways.
9. Name a family member or friend you really like and describe what it is about them you find so nice?
I love my friend, Dee. No matter what life throws at her, she gets up every day with a smile, and deals with it! She was the very first person I told about my husband and our situation and she has handled the situation with compassion and grace and humor and that kind of friendship, in my experience, is rare.
10. If you had a chance to sit down with your 10 year old self to say something to you, what would it be?
Don’t take life so seriously, and don’t ever think you can absorb another person’s burden as your own or fix anyone else, and eventually, about 10 years down the road, remember… always use birth control, unless you want to get pregnant.
Now, on to my nominations and the questions I would like them to answer. This is the most difficult part for me. I do not want anyone to feel obligated to do something they don’t want to do, for whatever reason and I totally respect if they decide not to participate. I have actually seen blogs where the owner states right on their main page that they do not participate in “award nominations” as some people would be doing nothing but answering questions and writing these kinds of posts and the awards do not fit with their own personal needs or wants for their blog. I totally get it, but sometimes I want a little reprieve and this provided one for me today. That all being said, I am nominating these three ladies because I enjoy their blogs immensely and want to hear the answers to these questions. First, Paula at Tearing at the Fabric, second, Cheater Fantasy and third, Totally Caroline. All three have been through hell and back and and they all have their own unique story to tell. Their spirits are strong and they are survivors and I respect them all. Below are the 10 questions I would love them to answer. I did, for the most part, make up these questions off the top of my head with these particular ladies in mind. I wanted to keep the questions light and fun. We have enough dark clouds in our lives.
What is the last best meal you ate?
Where is your favorite place to relax, and what is your favorite relaxation activity?
What is your favorite all time love story (can be a novel, a movie, a real life story, whatever) and why?
List all the places in the world you have lived and which you enjoyed the most, and why.
What are your three greatest joys?
What is the most interesting place you have ever visited?
What are your three greatest fears?
Name something about yourself that most people don’t know.
What last made you laugh out loud?
What is the one thing you would purchase right now if money was no object?