Crazy making

I have been sick for the past few days. Not horrible sick, mainly worn down, not sleeping enough, mild fever, sinus headache that won’t go away… There’s a lot going on at our house. We have recently repaired a major leak on our lower level (aka, the basement), which created a ton of dust (I am severely allergic to dust, and mold). New carpet is being installed today, and we are in the middle of a much needed full re-do of the irrigation in our yard. I can’t park my car in the garage because they have to cut carpet in there. The cats must be locked up (which they HATE) because I don’t want them underfoot. Contractors don’t like having to deal with pets. I want all these people to just go away. Definitely a lingering side effect of the trauma. I don’t like people in my house anymore. This November will mark the 20th anniversary of our owning this old fixer upper. It was boarded up when we purchased it. We watched the movie Money Pit the night before we moved in here. Very appropriate. We swore if a raccoon ever jumped out of the laundry chute, we would move. We have been remodeling it ever since. No raccoon, so far although there have been lots of raccoons in the yard, they usually keep their distance. Dozens and dozens of contractors have been in and out of this house over the years. I am ready for it to be over.

Now that Wimbledon is complete (my go-to TV for two weeks) for another year, I was flipping through television channels yesterday, hoping some rest and mindless TV would help with the headache, and I ran across the old Disney movie, Snow White. I have mentioned before that Blue Eyes sometimes calls me Snow White. My hair is dark, my skin is pale, I love animals. I do not, however, have one of those Disney princess voices. I was in a weird mood. As I watched Snow White sing to the animals and dance around with the dwarves, I know why Blue Eyes likens me to Snow White. I get it.

snow white 2

The part I don’t get, is how he could leave the sweet, innocent Snow White sleeping in her comfy warm bed, to go have sex with this…

Ursula

Yeah, I KNOW, it’s fucking crazy. He was fucking crazy. It doesn’t make any fucking sense. I just have to shake my head (smh? finally figured that one out… I am SO old!). How could I not have wanted him to go off to an inpatient program? He needed a fucking mental ward.

Okay, got that out of my system.

Back to your regularly scheduled programming.

24 thoughts on “Crazy making

  1. I’m feeling such relief today to have found and read so many of your entries. Married 33 years, confronted my husband in 2010 and of course he cried and admitted to 3% of what I later found out in our Disclosure last January. Today, of all of the crazy lies and the gas lighting and the weak and lame things he has done and said (e.g. that he didn’t want to tell his DR that he was a sex addict and get tested cause he was so ashamed….as I was getting all my testing done 😦 )…but today I feel such sadness for a young women who I have never met, she is a 20 year old escort who my husband got caught with by family friends one night when he said she was hungry, so because he’s such a great guys he took her out to a nice restaurant … my husband insisted on having unprotected v and a sex with her and threesomes, he admitted to drawing in work colleagues of his and had her bring in some of her friends who were also ‘escorts’….to this day, he continues to refer to her as “Lindsay….who was a really sloppy drunk”. I have tried without much reaction from him to explain that if our beautiful daughter and her friends had to meet a bunch of disgusting 55-60 year old entitled, narcissistic men knowing what was to come…I’m sure they would have to get wasted to actually even sit in a room with such a bunch of PIGS! The beautiful memories that I had of my marriage have been decimated and my heart breaks for those young women who also feel that making pretty good money selling their souls to these sick addicts … On a positive note, now that I’ve vented, it means a lot to me to read stories that resemble in some way the nightmare I have found myself in…strength in numbers as it really breaks the isolation! Xx

    Liked by 2 people

    • Welcome, Sue. I am so sorry you are trudging this horrible journey with us. I totally get your compassion for the young sex worker(s). It is such a destructive industry for many many people. I was sick enough that my husband was using women who were so desperate that they would give free sex to a man just to get a little attention. I was dumb struck when I found out this man that I love and trusted so much was using women. On the other hand, one of those women is a really angry and abusive person. She is older, not well kept, a hoarder, an alcoholic, and she stalked me (“Ursula”). I just frankly don’t think much about her anymore because I cannot feel sorry for people who would willingly and knowingly put themselves into a situation where they would gratuitously hurt another person to fill their own voids, and then try to exact some kind of revenge on that innocent person who had no idea what was going on behind her back. The fact that my husband had sex with her makes no sense, and the fact that she would try to hurt me makes no sense. I have let go of all the pity, the anger, everything. I have no feelings about her anymore. I am slowly, but surely, making my way out of this mess and yes, I am so appreciative of this community! ❤

      Liked by 1 person

    • Sue, I am so sorry. Yes. I think we all feel some early empathy for these really damaged (especially young – hey, we’re parents) young women. But honestly? You can’t. You really can’t. This is trauma. We can’t fix the world. Sadly, there will always be damaged people. At the moment you cannot save them. You are unlikely to ever be able to save even one. You need to worry about you. This is a long and challenging journey. No addiction in my story, but I have seen enough to know that your husband needs to be treated. 12 step appears to be the best option. Is he receiving treatment? Are you? As betrayed, we are often incredibly loyal and empathetic people. We all need to learn to look after us first now. And it is so counter-intuitive. But we can’t fix them. Or their APs. Sending strength xxx.

      Liked by 1 person

    • Yes, feeling more myself but the constant pounding from the carpet installers is not helping with the headache. Pretty sure it is a sinus infection now… if it’s not one infection, it’s another. Once that immune system goes wacky, all bets are off. I’m a little less prickly, but still sleep deprived. Don’t ask BE’s opinion, I am sure he would say I am still very prickly. 😉

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  2. I look at it as the ultimate proof that addiction is truly insanity! No one,and I mean NO ONE p, in their right mind would have sanely pursued Skank, or the Ho or any of the other sluts Will was with. One of his prostitutes was “in her sixties, looked like she was in her eighties, and smelled like she has already died” according to Will. There is no explaining the crazy, lunatic, insane, sick and totally fucking unhinged behavior of the sex addict. They will literally screw ANYTHING that is willing. Gross.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Gross and a testament to the insanity of it. I remember when pics of all of Tiger Wood’s “girlfriends” showed up online. I mean seriously people… take a gander at that array and tell me it is not insanity when you have a gorgeous wife and two adorable kiddos at home. And of course it is not about looks, but the whole package really. Of course a sane person would leave their mansion in their fancy car and drive to a dive bar and pick up the waitress and have sex with her in her pick up truck in the parking lot, because you know… he has “entitlement” issues. Entitled to what? A skanky quick piece of ass? Who wants that??? That totally makes sense. And of course she would think it is a “relationship.” Because she’s totally “normal” too. Normal people do that every day… {sarcasm}. Not sure why everything has to be so titillating to keep the public’s attention. We had to have been doing something horribly terribly wrong for our husband’s to “do” THAT?!? Right??? Why can’t people just accept what is in front of them, a sick addicted mind doing crazy shit. While I was still trying to heal from the trauma of it all, I just “loved” it when people came on my blog and told me my husband was in love with the OW, or what they had was a real relationship, because you know, it went on intermittently for eight years… as if I cannot see the fucking sick truth staring me right in the face. Two messed up people doing really messed up things. Why try and cause me more pain? Eventually we learn to put it all into perspective, but it takes a while, because, you know, as they say… “what the actual fuck?” I hope things are getting better in your neck of the woods. ❤

      Liked by 2 people

    • Absolutely, it makes absolutely no fucking sense. I have screamed, “what the actual fuckety fuck fuck fuck fuck” at him, but he has no answers that make sense to a “normal” person! So when people deny sex addiction, without living with this shit, I say “fuck em!” This whole thing has most certainly changed me! But life does go on… xx

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  3. Kat, this post made me laugh aloud. I agree that SA filter must be some kind of powerful. Seeing a few of my husband’s acting out partners, all I can say is OMG. But eventually I’ve been able to see the level of fantasy and delusion that this MENTAL disease has. I didn’t understand at first. I was looking at it from my own perspective, after all, I fantasize. But I pick someone who is actually attractive to begin with. And the fantasy does not turn into obsession that hijacks my life and leads to stupid acting out behavior. I, too, have taken the SA shit to heart and felt
    unattractive. I’m pulling out of that as I see just how truly crazy SA is.

    Liked by 2 people

    • It is crazy, but then we think… how could I be married to a crazy person for all those years and not know it! But that is part of the crazy THEY make, the lying, the gas lighting, knowing we are trusting, kind, and compassionate humans. It’s part of the pathology. In a sense I think they think if they keep us in the dark, keep their secrets, they have control and they can keep both lives going. It never works out because it is delusional thinking. Sex addiction is no joke, despite what unaware people try to make of it! And yeah, the acting out partners… shows how flipping crazy they are. My husband could have done so much better, looks-wise, personality-wise, sophistication-wise, but as he says, he wasn’t looking to replace me. He wasn’t looking for someone he actually wanted a relationship with. I still don’t understand the putting our lives in danger part, but that would be the very unstable part of the disease, which absolutely is totally mental!!! xx

      Liked by 1 person

  4. This brings me to my… Main sad right now. Why am I enough… Now. Why do I measure up today when I didn’t fucking matter for 10 years. I’m pretty enough and desirable enough and smart enough and gentle enough.. Now. If I had been enough before you wouldn’t have done it? His response is that it’s never been like that. It’s not a measure of us vs them.

    But it is. In my mind it can’t stop doing the math.

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    • The mind games we play with ourselves, so destructive. How could they think this was going to end any other way. Well, they weren’t thinking. Or more accurately they weren’t thinking sanely or rationally. They are so messed up and in their heads that they are split in two. One part living a life with us, the person we thought we knew, and the other part living that addicted fantasy life in their head. The other women literally could have been anyone, and they often were. Porn stars on a screen, prostitutes, anonymous women in chat rooms… just a way to get a hit. They were never looking for a relationship, they already had that, that’s their real life. Of course the sources for their drug are shallow caricatures of real life, they are secret and shame inducing. This truly is not about us versus them. We represent the only good. I am just dumbfounded still at how low my husband stooped. It’s mind boggling really, and crazy! Believe him when he says it wasn’t like that. It wasn’t! Hang in there. Big hugs! xx

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  5. I know that even though it doesn’t make sense, and we shouldn’t try to make sense of it….I do all the time. Mine manifests itself now when someone pays me a compliment. If someone says I’m pretty, I disagree because surely if I were pretty he would have chosen me. If someone observes my wit, I doubt that I’m that funny. Funny people are married. On and On. Idiots. The whole lot of them. And also, Snow White is pretty much everyone’s favorite.

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    • It is just incredible what this kind of betrayal does to the self esteem. I hope you realize you are pretty, and funny and all those things. They truly are the broken ones. My husband was wrapped up in some sick fantasy inside his head. Pretty sure he thought she was more like one of the wicked step mothers, yeah that was a sick twist, but I’ve seen her. She is definitely Ursula! He walked by one of the women he was grooming and told me later about it… said he thought she had gained a lot of weight. Um, no. She was always large. That must be some kind of really powerful SA filter they use because it sure ain’t reality. It still makes me feel like this is all a bad dream somehow. xx

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