We have watched episodes of ‘Finding Your Roots’ before. The PBS Television Series in which they do extensive genealogical research, including DNA analysis, on prominent Americans and then share it with the person in a sort of interview format. We haven’t watched very many. I know we watched the episode with Martha Stewart (because I flippin’ love Martha) and we watched the episode with Adrian Grenier and Linda Chavez, super interesting, and also one with John Legend. I had heard about Bernie Sanders (love him) and Larry David (meh) and how they are… spoiler alert: very distant cousins. This is funny/interesting because Larry David impersonated Bernie Sanders on Saturday Night Live last season during the U.S. Presidential Election, and Bernie even appeared on an episode alongside Larry.
We decided to sit down and watch this particular installment of the show. I have never before been triggered by ‘Finding Your Roots.’ On this episode, Bernie actually gets pretty emotional when talking about a relative who died defying the Nazis during World War II. He talked about how shocking it is that people participate in such hateful and destructive acts and how hard we need to work to create a world where people love each other. It just made me sad because here I was sitting next to a person who had hurt me so badly. No, he didn’t murder me or a member of my family, but the pain he caused with his betrayal truly felt like he killed a part of my soul. To find out the person you love and trust most could so blatantly cause such irrevocable pain, for whatever reason, is heartbreaking. So no, my Uncle wasn’t assassinated by nazis, but my husband brought so much pain down upon me that I felt like I was dying, and he was holding the gun.
I know there are people who can’t understand these feelings. I know some might believe I am blowing this all out of proportion, but honestly, it is really how I feel. I know marriages end every day. People fall out of love. It wasn’t a good match. Whatever. This did not happen to me or my marriage. There honestly wasn’t anything wrong with my marriage other than (hindsight 2020) I gave too much and asked for too little and my husband took advantage of that, but there is just no way the person that you trust with your life, should so carelessly inflict so much pain, for any reason. Why can’t we all just be nice, honest, and respectful to each other? We can’t understand why countries are fighting each other over religion, or oil, or whatever, but frankly, I cannot understand this infidelity epidemic. It doesn’t make any fucking sense to me. WHY? Why do it? Even if you hate your spouse so much that you don’t want to be with them anymore, why cheat as a solution? Why not just leave, or separate? And if you don’t hate your spouse, why cheat? And if you hate yourself, why hurt your spouse?
I’ve read a story here in blog-land of a man who cheats on his wife. She has a health problem which inhibits her from participating in regular sexual activity, so he goes to prostitutes. Um, what the actual fuck. This man’s wife does not know that her husband is having sex outside their marriage. He doesn’t tell her because… it would hurt her. And he blogs about how hot the sex is. BARF!!! Is sex with another person so important that it is worth breaking the heart of your life mate? I just don’t get it. One thing my husband has learned on this journey of recovery is that sex is optional. SEX IS OPTIONAL. You don’t need sex to survive and you certainly don’t NEED extramarital sex to survive. It’s selfish and doesn’t make any sense to me.
There I go, trying to make sense of the senseless again. But why shouldn’t I try to make sense of my life and what has transpired with the people I love and who supposedly love me? And if someone was going to hurt me, do something bad to me, why did it have to be the person I loved the most? Why?