I’m over it

photo credit: Justin Kauffman

Facebook reminded me that five years ago last night I found myself on a plane with my husband’s affair partner. I mean I didn’t put that on Facebook, but yesterday I was reminded that we were returning from a corporate retreat in Hawaii. I was less than a year post discovery of my husband’s secret sex life. I was still so wholly traumatized by the horrendous stories divulged about his decades-long sex addicted existence. Add that to managing every little detail discovered over the past 10ish months about what it feels like to live with an addict, and I felt ripped in two.

Part of me had organized a fun trip to a beautiful resort in paradise for our staff. Delicious tropical meals overlooking the Pacific Ocean, unlimited activities, food & alcohol, spa treatments. Honestly, especially for the ones who had never been to Hawaii, and none had been to a Four Seasons before, it was like a dream. The other part of me suffered anxiety attacks, self harm, sleepless nights, tears, and depression. No one knew both sides except Blue Eyes. Even the people who knew about the two Kats, pretty much only saw the old me, the strong me. They rarely saw that other girl. They didn’t even know she existed.

Not only does the betrayal take its toll, but just trying to act normal when your heart is bleeding from the pain, is a soul sucking task. So as I sat there in my seat, on that plane from Hawaii, I was scared. I was afraid of what this woman had planned for me. She had stalked me since the day she called my mobile phone. I was afraid of my own reactions and responses. There was a piece of me that wanted to tell this woman that I wasn’t the horrible wife she had been rationalizing all these years, and to leave me alone, but I knew I wasn’t strong enough to have any conversation with her. There was also the fact finder in me that wanted to match up her story to my husband’s.

That was where I was five years ago. Then, as the years progressed, I wanted to talk with this woman and tell her that I didn’t know anything about my husband’s sex addiction and secret life. I wanted to know why she blamed me, and what exactly did she blame me for and then I wanted her to go away, forever. I have received so much advice on this blog over the years and some really wanted me to confront her. They felt like she would tell me more truth than I was able to drag out of my husband. I’m not sure I ever believed that. I realized that there would be no sensible conversation with this person and why would I believe her any more than I believed my husband. I did always, however, want to know exactly why she called my phone. I know she had tried for months. What did she really hope to accomplish. I think she wanted to drive me away, or drive me crazy. Who knows. She had been duped, used, and summarily discarded because their relationship wasn’t real. She was an easy target. I wanted to tell her that.

And then, I didn’t want to anymore. I have had zero desire to talk with this person for a while now. The need just fell away. She’s sick and means absolutely nothing to me. Their relationship was built on sickness and lies, and negative energy. I am so over this horrible person who invaded my life.

It’s okay Facebook, that you reminded me of that night. The night the stalker whore showed up on a plane home with us from Hawaii. You can’t bring me down with you this time, Facebook. I really am over it.

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