“D,

I’ve decided that in order to continue having a relationship with you, I need to be able to say my piece without any interruption. I realize, of course, that you have your own stories, feelings, trauma, etc… and me speaking my mind is in no way minimizing your story or your feelings.

Our story goes WAY back. When I first met your parents, Thanksgiving 1984, you were not speaking to them and yet I have been accused many times over the years of trying to sabotage your relationship with your mother. I have never done that. In October 1987, when you were married, I had been in a relationship with your brother for 3 years, and had been engaged to him for nearly 2 years. I was in the United States, having returned from Japan in July 1987. Ironically, I was actually in Los Angeles that October weekend with friends. I had no idea you were getting married that weekend. I was not invited to your wedding. That hurt. A lot. I’ve seen the photos of your youngest brother and his then girlfriend at your wedding, many times. It was never spoken of even though it was a huge insult to me. It was your wedding. You had control over who was invited. Every year on your anniversary, I am reminded.

We have now rehashed many times the situation with the Bat/Bar Mitzvahs of the kids. I was unable to attend your daughter’s due to being in bed with bronchial pneumonia. My boys still remember you hysterically yelling at Blues Eyes after the party. I can’t even remember what that was about, and Blue Eyes is used to being yelled at and put down by your mother, but this was new, coming from you and in front of the boys. The Pragmatist’s Bar Mitzvah as it relates to your family, was a fiasco. I have explained what happened many many times. I bent over backwards to try and please all of you and I was punished for years, YEARS, for doing so. Neither of your daughters attended The Peacemaker’s Bar Mitzvah just two years later. That definitely sent a message to him.

At your older daughter’s wedding we were treated like strangers. We tried to sit with family at the wedding, but were told those seats were saved for your youngest brother and other family. No one talked to us. It was clear we had some kind of negative reputation with your friends. At the barbecue the next day, your mom spent a good 30 minutes berating Blue Eyes for this, that, and the other… I pulled him away and we left. Blue Eyes was regularly cornered and belittled.

You invited us to your daughter’s college graduation, but then uninvited us so your friends could go, but then when The Pragmatist graduated and you didn’t want go, you asked me to lie to your mother and tell her there wasn’t space for you even though there was unlimited space. These things all add up.

As you know, Blue Eyes spent years as an addict not dealing with all his abuse and trauma. It was the only way he knew to survive. I’m proud of him for eventually getting help, but I went through absolute hell, and all that after years of being mistreated by your family. I hope you can see why I don’t want anymore lies or negativity in my life. I’m just so tired.

The Peacemaker was not invited to your younger daughter’s wedding. I understand me and Blues Eyes as Blue Eyes had requested no contact, but The Peacemaker? I’m sure it hurt his feelings that his brother and girlfriend were there, but not him. Never has anyone in my family invited one of my children and not the other, to anything. It’s cruel. Even if your mother had requested it (and what Grandma does that anyway), i thought either you or your daughter would have fought for him. Just because The Pragmatist is more socially inclined does not make him better or more worthy. You have 2 children, I know you understand this.

I just can’t have people in my life who don’t respect me or my children. I was absolutely reeling when I realized you and your husband still harbor bitter feelings towards ME for the bad behavior of your parents and your youngest brother. I honestly never did anything to deserve it. Your brother spent time with me, just the two of us, a couple months before he passed. He apologized for all the horrible things he said behind mine and Blue Eyes’ backs over the years, that we didn’t deserve it, and that he would always regret it. I merely asked him to try to do better in the future. I had no idea the magnitude of his betrayal. Blue Eyes adored his brother and misses him terribly despite all the problems he created for us. Your brother tried to make amends. I knew he tried to paint Blue Eyes as the bad son to your parents as he was losing a grip on his own sanity, but after meeting his friends, I realized he had talked badly about us to them as well. I think they were surprised that I was actually a decent person. I believe you have done the same, speaking badly about us to your friends and family. It has to stop.

When we were discussing things at your parents’ house, you stated that your daughters were concerned regarding mine and Blue Eyes motives for wanting you to take your pre-planned camping trip shortly after your mother’s passing. I told you multiple times that our only goal was for you to get some much needed down time as Blue Eyes would not be able to stay with your father indefinitely and the lion’s share of the burden would eventually fall on you as you live close. There was no devious ulterior motive. You have to address your issues regarding Blue Eyes. He wants nothing more than to have a relationship with his father that had previously been sabotaged by your mother.

There is a lot of baggage and I’m unloading it. I won’t tolerate manipulation of me or my family. I hope you understand that I need to protect myself from further pain. I understand that you grew up in a very dysfunctional environment, however, I will no longer be a scapegoat. I hope you decide to speak with a therapist. I know from experience, it really can help.

Kat”