It’s been 10 years….

/ CrazyKat1963
January Camellias in Ojai

Ten years since the phone call. Ten years of recovery and sobriety for Blue Eyes. Ten years of pain for me.

The ten year anniversary of the phone call (8 days ago) was spent hiking to a snowy waterfall in Dunsmuir, CA and eating smash burgers with The Peacemaker, my forever companion.

Winter path
The waterfall
The smash-burger.

I never cry anymore. I don’t go to therapy. I don’t think about the other women or Facebook stalk anyone. I don’t google their names. I don’t ask Blue Eyes questions anymore to try and recreate the past. I don’t beg for the truth, anymore.

It took so much time for me to learn to live in this new reality. I didn’t want to have to. I wanted it all to go away like some horrible nightmare. I wanted my partner, my family, my life, but I didn’t want to even know the person my husband really was. I wanted back the man I had selflessly given myself to. The one who would never hurt me. We all know now that person didn’t exist.

I met Blue Eyes 40 years ago today at a University Fraternity Super Bowl Party. We both turned 60 last year. Part of me doesn’t feel 60, the part that loves life, spent my birthday in South Beach, New Orleans, and Disney-world, that part feels about 25. Then again, the part of me that slogged through years of therapy with my sex addict husband, cried herself to sleep night after night, self harmed, dissociated, checked out from most of the things she used to love, that part feels about 100. Tired, lonely, and beaten up.

So where to from here? A whole bunch happened in the past 10 years. I went from 50 to 60. I finally went completely through menopause while battling C-PTSD. I lost weight and had a tummy tuck. I got a TATTOO! We built a beach house and I purchased a house in Ojai, CA. I’m now a property manager, of sorts. I split my time between three houses, that’s crazy. I’ve traveled a bunch. I love traveling. After five vaccinations, I finally got covid. My dad died. I miss him. There’s a lot of happiness in there, but a lot of sadness too.

I know Blue Eyes can never feel what I feel and I don’t want to drag out the melancholy, but things will never be like they were, and that makes me sad. Things are not better than they were. My marriage isn’t stronger because of Blue Eyes’ addiction/cheating. I will never fully trust another human being again. I will never fully trust Blue Eyes again. I love him, and always will, but love and trust are two very different things. I go through life jaded now, more anxious. I don’t want it to be this way, but it is. I think 10 years is enough time to know how it will now be. That I will never go back to being as happy and carefree as before. I think Blue Eyes would say that I was never carefree, but that is because he has always relied on the mature, responsible part of my nature to fill his voids. He is broken and he used me as a sort of human glue. It’s hard to explain really, but he is most definitely a product of his upbringing. It took him decades to realize his childhood was faulty… not just challenging, we all have challenges, but really fucked up. His coping mechanisms were broken, and his addictive behaviors, downright cruel.

I don’t long for a different life. I don’t want to run away. What I want is to be strong enough to do what is best for me, to prioritize my wants and needs in this last chapter of my life, to be happy, and that’s what I’m going to do. That’s my resolution.

A windy day on the Oregon Coast

16 thoughts on “It’s been 10 years….”

  1. March 15 was my ten years. And I’m still with him. I now love him as a friend and surely not as a husband. He truly destroyed that love and can’t ever regain. I do have some days that I’m so depressed and no one to reach out to. How do you ever tell family or close friends this shi.. without them say leave now. Any assets/money we have are mine and I have health issues so really not in my best interests to divorce. Plus at this age I can’t be bothered with anyone else. We are a good team and any friends or family that see us together thinks we’re strong as anything. Ha. Anything but actually. I do actually rue the day I said my vows but can’t go back and change that. 

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    • I totally understand. We told some family and friends and the only person to say, leave, now, ironically, was his own sister. My family knows I am a caretaker and my husband is damaged. When I mentioned potentially needing to divorce him all those years ago my mother and step father (both who had divorced their first spouses) said you can’t leave him now, when he needs you the most. 😮 honestly, people think I’m impenetrable. It doesn’t make me feel strong, just stupid. It makes me sad that I gave so much, just to be treated so disrespectfully. It still hurts. I stayed because that’s who I am. Loyal and forgiving, but things are not the same, and definitely not better, but I do appreciate what I have. Even if we divorced, I would have the same lifestyle, but I would miss my friend. I made my decision quite some time ago. It’s weird to try and imagine if we never did say those vows. xo

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  2. Hi Kat. I can relate so much to what you are saying. 8 years for me. Acceptance. Find joy and create the best life I can are my goals for me, and I am in charge to f that. No longer any major swings.

    My husband has become a much better man, and truly seems at peace (which helps bc I’m around him, so peace is good). Is it perfect? No. Better than ever like the “industry” feeds us (lies). No. But is it “enough”? Yes. Do we have a decent partnership and mutual respect? Yes.

    We’re actually in the midst of our 1st snow-bird months-long escape of the cold weather and it’s been really nice. We have our Golden with us. One month in, near Charleston. Beach walks. Park walks. Some sites. Some dining out. I survived getting sick from black mold at our 1st rental (sham) and now we’re in a beautiful space.

    One thing I’ve realized is how much he reverts to me for taking the lead and making decisions. I’m just that more mature than he is and that’s ok. I accept it.

    I’m happy I’ve been able to make new (female) friends. That took a lot of time. Take care of you.

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    • Yes, not better but manageable. I adore Charleston! My mother’s paternal side has traced their ancestors back many generations. They arrived from England to Charleston in the 1600’s. 😳 Last name Ashley. Of course you have your Golden boy with you! Goldens are good travelers! Sorry you were sick. Black mold is no joke. I got sick at an airbnb in Santa Barbara from mold and had to move to a hotel. That’s my one bad experience. The owners were in denial.

      Same regarding taking lead and making decisions in our personal life. The business is a whole other story. I’ve spent the past few years separating myself from the business and doing my own thing, property manager 😊. Enjoy your snowbird time! ❤️

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      • Wow! 1600s! There were many houses down by the battery built in 1670. They’ve been standing a long time. Ashley makes sense bc many things are named Ashley here – river, West Ashley, Ashleyville, etc. I think it’s awesome you are managing properties now. The weather has been nice as it’s so much warmer than WNY. We’re going to a plantation tomorrow and there are women speaking about the Gullah culture. Lots going on there – black history month.

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  3. Long time lurker here but first time commenter.

    I am fairly new in my husband’s addiction which broke me to my very core. The second year of my dday will come up in a couple months. Your blog has helped so much during the last couple of years as I couldn’t find much out there other than typical affairs. My husband’s vice was strippers that escalated to hookers. I was totally blindsided and didn’t know he was going to strip clubs most of our time together (16 years on dday). He did this as a coping mechanism to numb his self inefficiencies he created in his mind. Our marriage wasn’t perfect we were in the throes of raising two small children. We were growing apart. COVID was the straw that broke the camels back and he went deeper into an addiction. I never thought he was this person or anyone even close. He is my best friend. We joked we laughed we were intimate often. Then BAM it all surfaced. Over the course of our marriage there were 4 hookers and many other strippers willing to make an extra buck when I was away on work trips or he was in Vegas with his friend. He has changed, we communicate now, we argue, we share feeling but will it ever be enough?

    I thought I could get through this, be stronger, stronger together…

    Then I read this post. I am shook that you seem so unhappy. You were my lifeline and now I’m devastated to think this is something I will never be able to recover from.

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    • Hi Hurting. Thank you for your comment. I’m so sorry for your pain and suffering. I am not unhappy, just forever changed. I turned 60 last year. My age affects my decisions. I love my husband, but being married to him is a compromise. He is sober, and always recovering, but that doesn’t change the fact that he broke my heart. Whatever the circumstances. I have so much joy and happiness in my life, but this space is here for me to write out my brutal truth. My husband knows exactly how I feel. I’m a sharer. He tries, but he is a broken person and not the best partner in many ways, and yet in other ways, he’s amazing. Although we have overlapping stories, you and I, our lives are different and our decisions will be unique. I know it’s depressing, but you are early days. The roller coaster will continue for some time, is my guess. All I can say, is listen to your heart. Although mine is battered, it has led me to where I am today, living in my own reality, which now 10 years on, is mostly very good, but I will never forget. As I’ve said many times here, he can never hurt me again in this way, but the hurt changed me. Most people in our life have zero idea of what has transpired in our marriage. That’s a blessing and a curse. On most days it keeps me out of the muck, and others I still feel very alone.

      Listen to your heart! Be true to yourself. You will most definitely recover. How that happens is up to you. Much love and understanding to you! xo

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      • Thank you for such a poignant and prompt response. Your response and explanation of where you are helped calm me immensely. Thank you for your words through all of your pain and growth…they have helped so many of us!

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    • Hi SW. Thank you for the love and admiration and the same back to you. 10 years is a fucking long time to be in pain, I know. None of it is fair, but it’s time to stop wishing for a better life, and make it so—whatever that takes. It’s not as simple as, he cheated. I know, It’s so much more complicated. So many things to factor in on which road we take… on what really makes us happy, or at least content in what we choose to do. Every single day since discovery, I’ve thought about his betrayal, and it still hurts, just not as much. I made a bad choice when choosing him, and now I live with it. Some passion was lost in the betrayal and I absolutely despise the fact that so much of my time was wasted the past 10 years healing from his brokenness and bad acts, I fucking HATE it, and I don’t want to throw any more time away, so I do what I do. I know we write out our anger and pain here and in reality life goes on, but I hope you choose a better, happier place for you going forward. You deserve it! ❤️

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  6. The 11th came and went and I wondered. I wondered how you really were. As always, I appreciate your honest and poignant posts.
    Your intention was to help yourself process the devastation (not even strong enough) left by the nuclear bomb of your husband’s (life partner, best friend, lover) sex addiction and betrayal. Ultimately, you gave a lifeline to every betrayed partner who had the gift of finding your blog.

    I’ve read through most of your posts, but I don’t think all. I return to them time and again, especially lately as I process recollections and piece information together 4&1/2 years later.

    I wonder, will i ever get over the heartache of knowing what I know? You’re right, I don’t think I’ll ever fully trust anyone, again. In a way, I think that’s a good idea. People are flawed and as a result, untrustworthy-they will inevitably let you down. I will extend grace, as grace has been given to me more times than I can imagine. But I will also have boundaries, firm boundaries.

    Sometimes, I feel trapped. My husband is not the man he was. He’s gotten the therapy to know why he chose to cope with life the way he did. Daily, he strives to be a better human. He’s come a long way, but I don’t know if he will ever truly be able to show up in the open vulnerable way he needs to. So, I wonder….can I just live with that?

    Sometimes, I feel jealous that he spent so much energy on pursuing his addiction but has not spent that same amount of energy (and more) into learning how to be open, authentic and vulnerable. He is an intelligent, sensitive person, but he seems incapable of truly letting his guard down with me. I’ve expressed my expectations, but time and again I don’t see him doing the necessary work. (A lot of the work does not require a therapist, though has seen 3 over these past four and a half years.) But he doesn’t read the books, listen to the podcasts, search out the information to learn. So I feel trapped and torn. Stay and live with unmet expectations because he’s not an anxious, selfish, gaslighting emotionally abusive man anymore? He works his program and meets regularly with other men struggling with life and healing (or not healing) from past trauma. I do see wonderfully, positive changes in him. I can see he puts my desires first (more times than not), but can I be with someone and live with what I know? I not only know what he did, but knowing he won’t (can’t?) fully show up? Or do I go and live on my own? Remarriage isn’t an option. I’d prefer not to take on another person’s baggage and family at 66. I’ve been married to him for almost 40 years.

    Interestingly, i look back and realize he was never able to fully communicate he wants, needs and desires. In the daily grind of life he managed his life. He came more fully to his addiction later in life via readily available internet porn and a career crisis. As I had no idea about the porn use I thought he was depressed and suggested therapy more than once. He self-medicated in multiple ways. That’s when his outward behavior changed, too. You can’t lead a horse to water, but you can protect yourself and as I used to say, “be happy inspite of the other person.” I didn’t leave then. I’m certain many would’ve, so I wonder….why leave now?

    I can relate to your thoughts, Kat. I guess staying means knowing what I know, accepting the facets of this man I’d prefer weren’t there and creating and maintaining happiness in the blessings our Creator has lovingly and generously given me. Forgive, as I’ve been forgiven, extend grace as I’ve been afforded, give loving kindness even to the unlovable and know God saw it all and allowed me to pass through the fiery furnace wiser and finer than I was before, so now I can help others.

    Thank you Kat, more than I have words to adequately express. Thank you for helping me walk through this inferno and come out the other side. Ten years is a long time. I wonder what I’ll feel like and think after 10 years. I hope you continue posting. I want to know…what are your thoughts, your experiences, your joys and sorrows as you journey, knowing.

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    • Thanks, Centered. You leave amazingly thought out comments and I appreciate them. I know the feeling of wanting to get out all those thoughts and feelings and know there’s someone out there that knows, and understands, it all. It’s not why I started my blog. I just started writing because I knew if I had to keep it all bottled up inside, I would explode. And I did explode at times. Screaming, cutting myself on mother’s day/my birthday weekend that first year, wanting to drive off the road into oblivion, so many times. The community that grew out of all this pain is invaluable to me and my healing. I was where you are. I still contemplated leaving. I don’t anymore. I’ve decided I can live within the parameters of where I have landed. So many years I felt desperate to leave, then resigned to stay. Now, it seems, life just is.
      Am I 100% happy? No. But I realize now, that I’m good with where things are, and I’ll build from that. If I am any indicator, the pain never goes away, but it becomes manageable. The trust never fully returns, the relationship with my husband will never be as strong. Taking care of myself first has never been my nature, but I now need that to feel more connected to my world. I’ve let go of a lot of things I thought I needed.

      I did remember as I was hiking to the waterfall with my son, that it was the 11th. I thought about writing a post that day, but instead, my son and I watched a movie after our hike/dinner. And I let the thought go. The chapter of remembering dates, times, places, and actions that threatened to destroy me and my life, is over.

      As far as my husband goes, he has his sobriety and his more healthy behaviors, but he’s the same messed up guy. I just care less now. I do me, he him, and sometimes we do stuff together. A lot of times we don’t. It’s working okay for now.

      I do have writing more on my list of things that make me happy, so I’ll do that more in 2024. Thanks for sharing your amazing comment. xo

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