I’m sick, again. I have the worst immune system. It’s not covid, but a head cold that moved into my chest with a little bit of pneumonia thrown in. My boys are all down in Los Angeles with Grandpa. He’ll be on his own soon enough as we leave for our annual trip to Hawaii on Tuesday.
I feel like crap and am alone, so TV is my friend. Scrolling through what to watch on Hulu I came across Betrayal: Perfect Husband. Of course a title like that is going to catch my eye. It’s a 3-part true crime miniseries about a man who is convicted of having sexual relations with one of his students. This man’s secret life is filled with lying, grooming, cheating, manipulation, and abuse. The IMDB rating isn’t great, so I checked out the reviews.
Precisely because of the reviews, I decided to watch. Any time “people” want to trash the unknowing wife when a man does bad things, I want to know how they rationalize those thoughts. In this case, the wife is in TV production, so basically they’re insinuating or flat out saying she’s capitalizing on her situation. That the miniseries focuses too much on her. Even that she’s a narcissist for sharing her story. Well, guess what? This is her story, her show, she can do what she wants, but wanting to share her story is not narcissism.
I will say that a lot of time is spent with the wife sharing their love story, going back to college. How everybody thought he was the perfect guy. What a great and loving husband he was. She was convinced he was the perfect husband. I’m glad they set it up this way because it kind of slammed it in your face in the end how NOT perfect this guy was. Some things are definitely too good to be true.
In the end, this man is a criminal. An out of control sex offender who is in prison. His wife’s story is all too familiar. The guy is a predator, but the fact is, that was his secret life. In his other life, he was an apparently attentive and loving husband. During the program the wife’s behavior is just scarily familiar to me. Staying up all night trying to recreate a reality that simply didn’t exist. Thinking somehow we weren’t enough. Trying to figure out how this man we thought we knew had a secret sex life. Realizing we didn’t know our partner at all. And also, how did a married man find SO MANY willing partners. Some of the reviews mention how cheating husbands are commonplace and she should just get over it already. The high school student that was eventually his undoing, was victim blamed. The guy is reasonably handsome. A well liked teacher. People could not believe the allegations were true, the victim is lying, or she asked for it. We live in a crazy fucked up society.
In the final scene the wife is reading the last correspondence with her ex husband, which he wrote her from prison, in which he says he never pursued his victim. She had a crush. She wanted him. Wow, okay. It’s a sick, sad story, but I agree with the wife… telling her story, first in a podcast, and now in this program, helps to make other victims not feel so alone or unheard, whether it be the teenage student, or the wife. Their trauma is real and they’re strong for being able to share.
One of the really disturbing parts of the story to me is just how many women he was able to convince to have sex with him. Believed they were the only one. That he was in a loveless marriage, that he loved them. It’s shocking how many women participated even when they considered his behavior, proclivities, whatever, unhealthy. Even when they knew what they were doing was wrong. They did it anyway. The guy definitely knew who to target, and how to groom. One guy manipulating so many people and it took a 16 year old girl with chlamydia to bring it all out into the light. Sad.
try not to cry on my rainbow 
It’s so pervasive re: blame the rape victim, blame the wife, etc. I’m glad the guy is in prison. There were a few pedophiles in groups my husband attended. Why? That’s a completely different issue than infidelity. One previously was a pediatrician. He wasn’t in prison.
I’ve really struggled with the issue of just how much of this behavior is going on in our world. I think I blogged about how men on our HOA Board were viewing porn and live sex hook-ups on the HOA site (not their personal Google site). Those men have serious integrity issues, too. Blame-shifting, calling female residents the “C word” — you name it. That discovery, which had nothing to do with my husband, was very triggering.
On my way to volunteer work, I pass an “adult store” and there are always work trucks parked outside, mid-day. Utility companies, construction companies, plumbing, etc. I doubt women are on the clock and spending time there. It frustrates me. I talked about it with my therapist and she said I shouldn’t “just accept it” b/c it is wrong. We talked of society’s decline in morality, loss of integrity, etc., and male entitlement. It’s even more wide-spread in some other countries.
All I really have control over, though, is “doing good” myself and having integrity with others I interact with.
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Agreed, beleeme! All we have control over is ourselves. It takes a lot of work to really understand and believe that. Having pedophiles and sex offenders in the SA groups (there were also some in BE’s group) must be frustrating, but hopefully a wake up call to some. I personally don’t believe all SA’s have the propensity for illegal sexual activity, but others do believe that escalation is inevitable. Happy Holidays! ❤️
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Yeah, there are too many of these stories. It shows how sick our society has become.
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So true. I’m glad people are brave enough to tell these painful stories. I’m not a huge fan of true crime TV, but this one caught my eye. The community victim blaming of the shy 16 year old student because the perpetrator was a handsome well liked charismatic person, was sick. He chose her for exactly the reasons she was blamed. It’s crazy what we put value on. Lots of sick people masquerading as leaders.
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Yes. Corruption I’m afraid pervades every aspect of our lives.
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She told her story. Telling people the truth is not narcissism. It’s openness. 🙄. Manipulating people. Masking your motives. That’s narcissistic.
I also hope you have an amazing time in Hawaii, and that you feel better soon!
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I totally agree, CR. The husband is a scary sociopath. I’m glad the wife, the teenage victim, and others told their stories in the true crime miniseries. Hearing the stories of the other women just goes to show how broken they are and how opportunistic and manipulative he is. The guy has absolutely no remorse. I’m glad he’s in prison.
Hawaii is definitely one of my happy places. Three days and counting… are you living abroad now? xo
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I agree. She is not a narcissist for telling her story. Why shouldn’t she tell her story? If her story was about building a career in science and making some amazing discovery we wouldn’t say that telling her story was narcissistic.
In addition, there is a place for telling the whole truth. This man was pretending he was someone very different from who he actually was. Correcting that picture is a reasonable thing to do.
Hope you feel better soon and have a relaxing time in Hawaii, Kat.
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Thanks, DLH. It never ceases to amaze me how many people don’t understand trauma. I don’t wish it on anyone, but denying or minimizing it is wrong. I’m glad people are bold enough to tell their stories. In this particular true crime story, the teenage victim was also incredibly strong and inspirational.
This cold is really hanging on. I plan to relax in Hawaii. I’m learning to let go of feeling like I need to schedule everything for everyone. A sunny beach sound very appealing right now.
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