I’m feeling sad and out of sorts and in trying to figure out exactly what is going on, I’ve come to a few conclusions. First, with my current shoulder situation, things aren’t bouncing off me as easily as they usually do. I’ve had two x-rays and an MRI. I have a large area of calcific tendinitis in my left shoulder and the surgeon suspects there may be a rotator cuff tear underneath, which doesn’t show because the tendinitis is blocking it. I had a steroid shot about a month ago, which seems to also be messing with my mood. Steroid shots are not a long term solution and physical therapy seems to be making things worse. Surgery is tentatively scheduled for February. People ask, how did this happen? I don’t really know, but I can guess. I’ve fallen twice in the past 12 months, both times crashing into my left shoulder as I’m very dominantly right handed and I always have something in my right hand that I’m trying to protect. The first fall was on a very steep and slippery trail in Hawaii last December (mobile phone in right hand). The second fall was on a miserable June day at the beach house moving sand toys from under the house (because my highly paid cleaner was too busy). All this pain to protect a mobile phone and some plastic toys. Stupid. So there’s that.

We’re currently in Los Angeles for a number of reasons including a hair appointment in Ojai with my favorite stylist (our house is currently rented), a funeral (Blue Eyes’ uncle), and the father in law’s 91st birthday. Plus business meetings of course, always business meetings. So we’re just a handful of miles from where Rob & Michele Reiner were brutally murdered. Now the circumstances themselves are so dreadfully sad that that in and of itself is enough to cause a blue day, but add to that the absolutely horrific, thoughtless, cruel words of the president of our country and, well, I just don’t know what to say anymore. The whole situation leaves me with a gaping hole of sickness deep inside.

Anyone who has dealt directly with a narcissist will tell you that the message about Rob Reiner by that awful man who theoretically runs our country is textbook. An ego maniacal rant spewing hate with a completely self centered message that is pure evil.

The way I know I have PTSD from dealing with my narcissistic mother in law is when I see the person who shall remain nameless spewing lies and calling out ABC news as being terrible reporters spewing terrible lies, when the proof of their truth is on video for all to see, reminds me so blatantly of my now deceased mother in law. When we were on Skype calls with her, she would blatantly lie right in front of us without realizing we could literally see her… she would deny things she had said in emails and even though you could literally show her proof of her hypocrisy, she would just ignore us, as if we we didn’t exist and therefore neither did our proof.

She’s dead now, but seeing similar narcissistic behavior brings it all back to me. It brings back the horrible feelings of injustice and abuse. It further makes me sick that we have such a self-absorbed narcissist at the highest job in our country. I still don’t understand how such a horrific thing has happened. This isn’t a republican vs democrat thing. This isn’t a competition. I’m not bummed out because my “party” lost. In the 62 years I’ve been alive (and been a born democrat), the presidential split has been roughly 50-50. I get it. Me and my views don’t represent everyone, obviously. But what’s going on here in America, now, is pure evil.

So I’m here in Southern California with a scheduled dinner with the remaining “in laws” for tomorrow and I’m not in the mood to deal with small minded people who have exerted their abusive behavior on me. I’m so over it and looking for ways to escape this “paradise.”

“You are not the darkness you endured. You are the light that refused to surrender.” — John Mark Green

Happy December!