Confession to make

I write about how honest I am here on my blog, so I am going to make a confession that is a little uncomfortable for me.

Sometimes, not very often and I am not sure exactly what in my mood brings this on, I log out of WordPress and I anonymously check cheater blogs. I check blogs of professed mistresses (half of the stories I think are made up just to garner readership), of married women using Ashley Madison, of a soccer mom turned prostitute, of people in adulterous relationships where either one or both of the cheaters is married to someone else. One blog I have checked in the past (but I have thankfully lost track of the name of it because the stories are increasingly heartbreaking to me) is a blog about a divorced woman’s sex life. She has six children; she and her ex-husband share custody. From reading her blog, I believe she is a sex and love addict, but I am no expert. She seeks out sex with anyone that will have her. She writes about all the men she has had sex with. She will participate in threesomes, she goes to sex parties, and in one entry, she hooked up with a guy she met in a sex chat room, but neither could or would have sex at their own house. Instead of going to a motel, they decided to seek out a Craig’s List casual encounter who would allow them to use his bedroom for the pleasure of watching them have sex in his bed. The guy stood there the whole time masturbating. Yeah, it was creepy to read. One blogger I am particularly drawn to is a woman in an unhappy marriage who has an Ashley Madison account. She periodically re-activates her account and starts a “relationship” with a married man. It is like watching a train wreck. I have never thought too deeply about why I am drawn to her blog and others. Her story repeats itself over and over. She meets a guy she is attracted to. They start a sexual relationship outside their marriages. She appears to love the sex, but she also seeks an emotional relationship since she seems to have none with her husband. Unfortunately, time and again, the affair partners tire of her because they are after the sexual encounter. They will play her game for a little while, give her what she seeks, ego stroking, you are beautiful, I “love” you for the person you are (i.e., not just the sex you provide me), but inevitably it all goes south and she is somehow hurt and surprised by this, every time.

At first I thought this was just purely destructive behavior on my part and I even kept it from Blue Eyes. I do not search out the blogs because they somehow turn me on sexually. They don’t. I don’t search them out because I am unhappy with my sex life or with my marriage in general (other than the obvious, which we are working on), I am not looking for ways to cheat–far from it. I have come to the conclusion that I read these blogs because it confirms my conclusions that although many people want to have others believe that sex is just sex… it is just a bodily function that brings pleasure (lots and lots and lots of pleasure) and doesn’t carry with it all kinds of psychological and emotional baggage, it does. The one aspect that ties together all the people on the blogs I read, and I will admit most of them are women, is that they seem really really unhappy. Sometimes it’s not even that they “seem” unhappy, a lot of times they come right out and say they are unhappy. Sometimes they write about it all the time. I think I read the blogs to confirm my conclusions that most people that have sex outside their marriage are unhappy with themselves. I think women give up sex to men because they know it works. They use it as a means to an end. They use it to manipulate the men into spending time with them. The joke is on the women. What they are getting is not real. And I don’t think the men are healthy either. Whether they hook up on websites, or meet women at work, or whatever, the extramarital sex is a sign of some serious shit wrong in the psychological department. Not something wrong with their partner or their marriage, something wrong with THEM!

So, obviously this all started while I was trying to figure out why women would have sex with my husband. I think the blogs have pretty much confirmed the reason. People are fucked up. I also watched the series on Showtime called The Affair. Sometimes it was incredibly difficult to watch, but what I loved about it was that they did not sugar coat the characters that were having the affair. Those people were seriously messed up and that is why they were having the affair. Not because their spouses were mean or abusive or because their marriages were over, but because THEY, the CHEATERS, were messed up.

The reason I check the blogs anonymously? I do not want to give anyone the satisfaction of thinking I (a betrayed spouse) am reading their blog because I think what they are doing is good, worthy, okay, acceptable, justified. I don’t want anyone to think that I am wallowing in my own self pity trying to figure out why my husband’s other women were better than me… because they weren’t. Not in any way. I do not want any woman cheating with another woman’s man to get any satisfaction from knowing she somehow sucked me in to her story. I don’t want a blogger who is doing something I despise to know that I have given them even one minute of my precious day. And for this reason, I am going to stop doing it. My experiment is done. I no longer wonder why anyone does it. I know why people do it. They are selfish and broken.

Another reason viewing these cheater blogs is destructive to me… it makes me want to scream from the rooftops that the woman who tried to break apart my marriage is delusional. It makes me want to run to wherever she is right now and just scream out all the reasons why she is broken and why she is a monster. I have read so much bullshit about how this is all the wife’s fault. That men wouldn’t run to other women if their wives were more accommodating, took better care of themselves, were more attuned to their husband’s needs, less focused on the children, or their own careers, or whatever. I want to scream, because it is all complete and utter bullshit. People cheat because they are broken. Fucking fix yourself or get out. If everyone could just stop making excuses and blaming the innocent, or giving themselves a fucking pass. And relationships that do grow out of cheating… don’t get me started. The detailed story of my parents’ marriages, my supposed role models, is one for another day, but suffice it to say, I will never truly respect the woman who fell in love with my father while he was still married to my mother. Sorry, but even at six years old I knew right from wrong. I want to just scream.

Some days I want to scream all fucking day long, but I can’t do that, it doesn’t really fit with the rest of my lifestyle. I have this blog… and that is just going to have be good enough.

36 thoughts on “Confession to make

  1. You know my situation, and I’m sure some of the things you’ve read have bothered you from time to time. I long for some things to be better in how I handle myself, but I recognize it is a process, and I am chipping away at change. In the meantime, I can identify with your behavior. I still check to see if my ex husband is continuing his risky sexual behavior online, and he still is, and even after 4 years of separation and a decent co-parenting relationship, I STILL have nightmares about him. I know why I still look: It’s hard as hell to let go of the anger and resentment I have. Subconsciously, it’s easier to keep reliving the disappointment and hurt. If I let go of it and work to forgive him for damage already long done, what do I have left to do but deal with myself? We’re all on some sort of journey out here. I continue to wish you strength and serenity on yours 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks A_Female. You are in a very unique situation and have what I can only imagine is a very painful perspective. I thought about you, but of course I was not referencing your blog, at all. As you know, I follow you legitimately, not anonymously. It breaks my heart how much you struggle. The things that bother me about your blog are how wise and intelligent you are and how much you know about yourself and yet how desperately you fight those things about yourself that you want to be different, but just aren’t. If that makes any sense? The process just seems so painful. My husband has a completely different approach to his recovery, as I am sure everyone does. He is married, so for the most part, the sex is still there for him to use in any number of positive or destructive ways. Sometimes I know he is self medicating. We talk about it. He needs to learn that sex is not a proper coping mechanism. He aches for it the same way you do. Thankfully he no longer aches for the secret sex life he had before… and he no longer uses any of his old acting out patterns that ultimately would end in a sexual hookup. He also loves his SA group. It is made up of middle aged professionals, just like him. At first I thought oh great, he is just going to go to a place where there are a bunch of guys who are talking about how to be better sex addicts. But it is actually a place where he sees guys struggling and it helps him to see those same characteristics in himself and not rationalize or compartmentalize it away. I cannot imagine how lonely the process is if you don’t have a loving and (mostly) understanding partner by your side. The comments of yours that get me the most are when you see the guy (Joe?) in your neighborhood and he doesn’t acknowledge you or look at you. It is about a relationship you nurtured with him that wasn’t healthy and now, he has moved on. And so have you. You are so much better than letting some guy make you feel bad about yourself, but I know it is part of that process you talk about. I know it is fleeting and I know your blog is just a little teeny part of who you are and what your life is all about and you write for a fairly singular purpose, as do I (although I am trying to branch out) and so I try not to get too wrapped up on the blogs I actually do legitimately follow. I find reading your blog and hearing how you express your pain and frustration to be very enlightening. I don’t often comment anymore because I do not think my comments are helpful to you, but know that you have helped me understand how challenging the addiction world can be. I am still hoping for that guy for you who can give you what you deserve, all of it, and whenever you want it, but as you say, it is a process, and such a difficult one at that. Thanks for encouraging me as I know you know how I feel. I also wish you much strength!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. My nosiness has sent me all over the blogs. The OW are still convinced that their lovers are just about to leave their wives. They have been sure of this for years. You would think at least one brain cell would wake up enough to recognize a con job. If the guy was going to leave he would have.

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    • Sorry for not responding sooner, your comments for some strange reason went to spam. Yeah, You’d think they would get a clue, but I guess their brokenness gets in the way of reality. Sometimes I know the feeling.

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  3. I have made a bug huge mess in the ow’s life. Contacted her workplace, her family her friends and her congregation.
    I have shamed her and I also know that KARMA is getting her.
    I am also very sad to say that I made a bad choice ….
    I know is wrong and I know there are consequences.
    I am not a horrible human being…I just don’t recognising myself.

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    • I’ll have to read your blog to find out more. We all make mistakes, the trauma is overwhelming. I hope with time you will recognize yourself again. The OW in my life has done nothing but harass me and she has not paid any consequences for her horrible choices except that she did not break up my marriage and she did not end up with my husband. Not sure how she thought either of those things would happen. I try not to think about her anymore because she means absolutely nothing to my husband, so why should I give her any more time than she has already stolen. It sure does help to vent sometimes though.

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      • The ow harassed me , however you mess with my family you’re on a world of pain.
        I don’t think of her no more…but the pain that my husband caused by cheating has changed me.
        He really had no intention of leaving home , and she was a homewrecker and a whore , she was seeing so many other men and she was trying to make a new life with any of them that would take her.
        I am so thankful if how things worked out for her… she really could not take that my husband dumped her. She supposedly tho js is prettier,skinnier and better in bed.
        She might be better in bed…but my husband called her a whore to many…anyhow.
        I still hurt and that pain changed me…I am trully trying to find me again…the me before he killed me.
        I am not sure that me still exist.
        I want to be a better me…and right now I am not.
        I am selfish ,rebelious and in the wrong.
        But I am human and I am not perfect.

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        • I am sure many have said this before me, but this is not about you. This is about him and the things he needs to repair in himself. We are all imperfect and just doing the best we can. Know that this blogging world is a good place to vent and speak your mind. For the most part, we totally understand you. Trauma will propel you to do a whole lot of crazy things. Keep moving forward on this difficult journey and you will get yourself back. Be kind to yourself. ❤

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      • I think the ones in the mental institution are drugged.

        I really mean it more in a positive way – you are not defined by this, it is a part of your life but not the whole of your life and who you are. And I think since you started blogging you have progressed tremendously; it seems to be less and less a part of your life. You should be proud of yourself. xo

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        • Thanks for the words of kindness and encouragement. It is too difficult to go back and read where I was, but I do get quite a few comments saying I seem to be getting stronger. That is the goal. I do believe I am doing a lot better. I really did love my life and most of that life is actually still quite in tact.

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  4. This is a really honest post Kat, bravo on the bravery. I would attempt to Google stalk the OW in my marriage, even though I quickly found there was no trace of her online I still did it. I think I was desperately searching for something, some kind of insight into who she was, so I could therefore better understand how this affair happened. Perhaps you’re were doing the same thing? Knowledge is power, understanding the enemy in your marriage takes away their power to surprise or hurt you anymore? Who knows. The crux of the problem is I would think the more knowledge you have the less you understand in this situation because you’re not like them.

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    • Yes, the more I see of the reality of the situation, the more confusing the whole thing becomes. Likewise, the OW does not have an online presence other than one old picture on a real estate website… nothing else. At least she has nothing under her actual name. I know she does a whole lot of online and real life stalking herself, so even though she is older, she is not ignorant to the ways of the modern world. My guess is she keeps herself hidden because of her personality and the things she has done… those who have something to hide, do, hide. The thing I dread most is seeing all those pictures she took of my husband and also the pictures of them together. That would hurt. Hopefully I never have to see them.

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    • Definitely searching for something, anything to show me either that I’m right in that the OW is a crazy person and/or that nothing else is going on. Just trying to wrap my brain around the whole situation is what I’m trying to do because it makes no sense in my mind.

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      • She may not be crazy, just broken and self absorbed. I hope your husband is able to get some of that trust back from you. I know how difficult it is constantly wondering if they are still lying. It makes no sense at all. Hopefully time and more of that good communication will help.

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          • Yes, the crazy person has no idea they are crazy and is not capable of seeing themself from any point of view no even their own. She doesn’t even know she is so messed up. She has advanced Wilson’s Disease. It is truly saddening.

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  5. I sometimes look at my ex’s girlfriend’s facebook page… that’s my confession. She knew all about me when we were married but decided to cheat with my husband anyway. Its destructive behavior on my part. I do a lot of destructive things. It still hurts. I totally understand what you are going through.

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  6. I read blogs by betrayed spouses to encourage them to visit Chump Lady blog. She is a very articulate woman who has over 2 million hits. The number of bs is so heartbreaking. Most of them are divorced or separated. Altho she does not put down people who try reconciling she believes most of the time it just delays the inevitable. I so hope your marriage makes it but if you ever need a strong support system she and her Chump Nation have your back.
    The most maddening bloggers are OW who are still hanging on for years. They go on and on about the great love affair that MIGHT happen once he leaves his horrible wife….the one he just had another baby with.
    There are a few blogs by cheating husbands. I think all these people suffer from low grade depression and affairs are used just like meth or heroin to make the pain go away.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yes, I do agree to a certain degree that the relationships are like a drug numbing a pain that the cheaters refuse to acknowledge (that has very little or nothing to do with their spouse). I have read a few Chump Lady blog entries and yes, if you just read her blog, you would think there is no hope for reconciliation. I appreciate she provides support to women who don’t want to reconcile or reconciliation is not an option. If we didn’t have success stories in our own life and in my husband’s recovery groups, I might have a less optimistic view of continuing in a relationship I have spent 30+ years nurturing. I believe my husband wants to recover from his sex addiction, so I stay as long as he is working towards recovery. I can say with certainty, it ain’t easy no matter how you look at it.

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  7. I do the same thing and for the same reasons. I don’t log out though…… I am intrigued and sickened by what I read. It is like a really bad movie when I’m reading about people knowingly having affairs. I also wonder if it’s a bit of an ego boost to me since I never had an affair or desire to even have one. Why can’t people realize that no one else can make them happy? You can only make yourself happy. Not at the expense of others though, it has to be for yourself only. Frustrating to say the least!

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    • I kind of knew I wasn’t alone in this. 🙂 . Why do so many women not get the “if he cheated with you, he WILL cheat on you,” saying. Somehow they think they are better than the woman/women before them or they believe they just need him more. It is not so much an ego boost for me as it is frustrating. I used to think I was part of a majority by never even thinking about cheating, ever, but now I am not so sure?

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      • See, I have two firsthand marriages in my immediate family where they cheated on their first spouse and married the affair partner. Both couples have been doing extraordinarily well and no more cheating has taken place – it’s been 18 years for one couple and almost eleven years for the other. So far they are good and the affair partners are now welcome in our family functions etc…., they are good people. Just sucks how they were obtained from my family members lack of respect to their former spouses. I can say I’ve thought about cheating only once, I never did though and I had the opportunity. I could never live with myself if I had.

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        • Unfortunately the marrying of the affair partner happens all the time. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. My dad and step mom have been married for 46 years and have seven children together. I would say, however, that I wouldn’t be so sure people aren’t cheating or that the marriages are as happy as they appear… we all know how easy it is to fool people. Hopefully everyone is happy (including the betrayed spouses) and they can all live happily ever after. In my case, my dad cheated on my mother and the interesting thing is although my step mom is a very nice person, I can tell she always resented the fact that she fell in love with a married man with two children. To be honest, my sister and I have never felt completely accepted by her (thank goodness we had our own loving mother and step father, and that we knew our dad loved us, plus I always knew it was about her and her own hangups, not me). Again, I want people to be happy, just not at the cost of others’ happiness. A commitment is a commitment. If a person is unhappy in their marriage, they should get out, but most don’t. They find someone else then dump the first spouse. Human nature, I guess, but being a child of all of that… I knew what was real and what wasn’t. What was lies and what was the truth. Somehow I still got totally blindsided by my husband. It hurts. I’m glad you didn’t cheat. For a self aware person, it must be incredibly difficult to live with that kind of choice, but many people do.

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          • Oh yes. My husband has said he is so sorry that he should have had the decency to leave and divorce me first over ever having had an affair. Took me awhile to understand what he meant but I get it now. I’m glad for everyone’s happiness as well!

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            • Since you guys are still together, it seems odd he doesn’t just acknowledge that he needed to get help for his unhappiness, not that he needed a divorce? Obviously the affair didn’t truly make him happy. If it did, why is he not with that other woman? Sometimes I get so confused by the things people do and say, my husband being the most confusing of all!!! Hugs to you on this incredibly painful journey.

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      • Funny story? As you know H had quite a few females on his list. Whilst he was having one of his more serious long term affairs with Betty he was seeing approximately 15 other women for coffee, lunch, drinks and hope (💝)but he was also sleeping with lizard whenever possible. So the funny story is this…..Betty emails me one day and says she would like to have an explanation from H regarding his behaviour over the course of their what she thought exclusive ( except for wife ) relationship. I kid you not. Hilarious!!!!! I did not reply because I just could not think of anything to say that was nice. It made me feel really quite sad for her. My daughter had planned to put a banner up on her house when we first found out. Thankfully I can’t remember what she wanted it to say but I do remember it was not nice. Poor woman to find out she had also been cheated on!!!!!

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        • That is quite funny. Again, delusional is the word that comes to mind. Not sure if the OW in our case realized how little she meant or what she really was, but BE was always grooming other women. I really believed ultimately that he dumped her because he wanted to focus his attention on the flower lady. I know “Camilla” asked him if he had ever cheated before and he told her yes, but she never asked if he was cheating on her, ha. They think they are so special. Blech. Somehow it was okay for BE to be cheating on me, but when he broke things off, somehow it was my fault? I did not even know about them. Geez. I truly wish she knew the truth. The consensus is people feel like she must know at this point, but these women are crazy nuts, so who knows.

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          • Course it is your fault. You are in her way to having BE all to herself. Seriously with the way that she was treated on their trips. So stupid. Deranged. Sick. Delusional. Sad. Lonely. Too many brain cells rotted away from alcohol. I can’t help but feel really sorry for these women.
            Hmmm…flower lady, she was a step up from Camilla was she not? ( flight of stairs perhaps?) . I like what you term grooming. H was in constant grooming mode. Some women he was still seeing had right out told him that nothing was happening but he still continued to be friends with them. He liked the adoration and attention whilst adding on new women in the hope they may turn out to be desperate enough to be deluded by a married man.
            Bad bad bad husband!!!!!!

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            • Oh, the flower lady would have been a HUGE flight of stairs up if he had stayed in the addiction long enough to nail that one. Thank goodness Camilla thwarted that. Crazy how there are all these women in my life (yours too) that we didn’t even know about. It is strange to think about. Keeping all that straight and secret must have taken a huge toll. No wonder my husband was always sick!!!

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              • Has his health improved since DDay? Less episodes? I hope the whole30 helps him.
                Their life of deceit will affect them all very differently. Mine was in a constant state of stress. Mostly unhappy, grumpy, drank too much, frustrated,short tempered, in pain from needing a new hip …….not only at home but at work as well. What a crap life? For what? Silly H.

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                • Well… he has battled with his health since dday due to the stress of his recovery and not having his addiction. Everything stresses him out and his intestines are his vulnerable spot. He seems to be doing well on the Whole30 and losing weight. He is always hungry though. It’s not like he has a lot of weight to lose. I think he wants to be at 165 lbs., so he probably has 10 pounds to lose. Funny thing, before dday, he rarely seemed grumpy or unhappy and he doesn’t drink, but the only reason he didn’t show his true emotions was because he was medicating. As long as he had the drug, i.e., fantasizing about women/sex, he could handle anything including the stress of running multiple companies. It is extremely frustrating living with this new person because the old “Blue Eyes” was managing companies, and had a bazillion friends and seemed high on life. Now we know the truth.

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  8. It is VERY hard to not go to the first OW's workplace (very near us) and tell her employer what a stupid, immoral, unethical piece of shit she is. To not message her family with her lies. To not outsmart her (easy to do! lol) and tell everyone she knows that she's a whore with no integrity and no regret.

    But they must know that, deep down, already. Because she works constantly… 2-4 jobs at once, because she has so much "free time." No one else wants her either. One job of 50 hours/week AND 2-3 part-time jobs, at any given time. She lives in her grandma's house and drives her car. She has no degree and no student loans. She's 40-plus, now. She doesn't need the money.

    And really? I [tothemotherfuckingHIGHESTdegree] ENJOY that she is THAT miserable without my interjections. People don't like her because of HER. I like that, in her saddest, most self-pitiful moments -with the pedicurist she PAYS to endure her presence – she fucking WALLOWS in the fact that no one – not even her own family – wants to enjoy a few hours with her.

    May she marinate in her own filth FOREVER.

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    • My friend suggested we all go to her workplace, me, my friends, my family, and tell her off in front of her coworkers. Tell her to stay away from our family. Expose her blackmailing and stalking ways. I would have plenty of witnesses and no way she could ever turn it around on me, but we all deemed her unworthy of that much of our time. I would still like her to hear from my mouth how pathetically she was duped by my husband. Maybe some day.

      Liked by 2 people

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