I write about how honest I am here on my blog, so I am going to make a confession that is a little uncomfortable for me.
Sometimes, not very often and I am not sure exactly what in my mood brings this on, I log out of WordPress and I anonymously check cheater blogs. I check blogs of professed mistresses (half of the stories I think are made up just to garner readership), of married women using Ashley Madison, of a soccer mom turned prostitute, of people in adulterous relationships where either one or both of the cheaters is married to someone else. One blog I have checked in the past (but I have thankfully lost track of the name of it because the stories are increasingly heartbreaking to me) is a blog about a divorced woman’s sex life. She has six children; she and her ex-husband share custody. From reading her blog, I believe she is a sex and love addict, but I am no expert. She seeks out sex with anyone that will have her. She writes about all the men she has had sex with. She will participate in threesomes, she goes to sex parties, and in one entry, she hooked up with a guy she met in a sex chat room, but neither could or would have sex at their own house. Instead of going to a motel, they decided to seek out a Craig’s List casual encounter who would allow them to use his bedroom for the pleasure of watching them have sex in his bed. The guy stood there the whole time masturbating. Yeah, it was creepy to read. One blogger I am particularly drawn to is a woman in an unhappy marriage who has an Ashley Madison account. She periodically re-activates her account and starts a “relationship” with a married man. It is like watching a train wreck. I have never thought too deeply about why I am drawn to her blog and others. Her story repeats itself over and over. She meets a guy she is attracted to. They start a sexual relationship outside their marriages. She appears to love the sex, but she also seeks an emotional relationship since she seems to have none with her husband. Unfortunately, time and again, the affair partners tire of her because they are after the sexual encounter. They will play her game for a little while, give her what she seeks, ego stroking, you are beautiful, I “love” you for the person you are (i.e., not just the sex you provide me), but inevitably it all goes south and she is somehow hurt and surprised by this, every time.
At first I thought this was just purely destructive behavior on my part and I even kept it from Blue Eyes. I do not search out the blogs because they somehow turn me on sexually. They don’t. I don’t search them out because I am unhappy with my sex life or with my marriage in general (other than the obvious, which we are working on), I am not looking for ways to cheat–far from it. I have come to the conclusion that I read these blogs because it confirms my conclusions that although many people want to have others believe that sex is just sex… it is just a bodily function that brings pleasure (lots and lots and lots of pleasure) and doesn’t carry with it all kinds of psychological and emotional baggage, it does. The one aspect that ties together all the people on the blogs I read, and I will admit most of them are women, is that they seem really really unhappy. Sometimes it’s not even that they “seem” unhappy, a lot of times they come right out and say they are unhappy. Sometimes they write about it all the time. I think I read the blogs to confirm my conclusions that most people that have sex outside their marriage are unhappy with themselves. I think women give up sex to men because they know it works. They use it as a means to an end. They use it to manipulate the men into spending time with them. The joke is on the women. What they are getting is not real. And I don’t think the men are healthy either. Whether they hook up on websites, or meet women at work, or whatever, the extramarital sex is a sign of some serious shit wrong in the psychological department. Not something wrong with their partner or their marriage, something wrong with THEM!
So, obviously this all started while I was trying to figure out why women would have sex with my husband. I think the blogs have pretty much confirmed the reason. People are fucked up. I also watched the series on Showtime called The Affair. Sometimes it was incredibly difficult to watch, but what I loved about it was that they did not sugar coat the characters that were having the affair. Those people were seriously messed up and that is why they were having the affair. Not because their spouses were mean or abusive or because their marriages were over, but because THEY, the CHEATERS, were messed up.
The reason I check the blogs anonymously? I do not want to give anyone the satisfaction of thinking I (a betrayed spouse) am reading their blog because I think what they are doing is good, worthy, okay, acceptable, justified. I don’t want anyone to think that I am wallowing in my own self pity trying to figure out why my husband’s other women were better than me… because they weren’t. Not in any way. I do not want any woman cheating with another woman’s man to get any satisfaction from knowing she somehow sucked me in to her story. I don’t want a blogger who is doing something I despise to know that I have given them even one minute of my precious day. And for this reason, I am going to stop doing it. My experiment is done. I no longer wonder why anyone does it. I know why people do it. They are selfish and broken.
Another reason viewing these cheater blogs is destructive to me… it makes me want to scream from the rooftops that the woman who tried to break apart my marriage is delusional. It makes me want to run to wherever she is right now and just scream out all the reasons why she is broken and why she is a monster. I have read so much bullshit about how this is all the wife’s fault. That men wouldn’t run to other women if their wives were more accommodating, took better care of themselves, were more attuned to their husband’s needs, less focused on the children, or their own careers, or whatever. I want to scream, because it is all complete and utter bullshit. People cheat because they are broken. Fucking fix yourself or get out. If everyone could just stop making excuses and blaming the innocent, or giving themselves a fucking pass. And relationships that do grow out of cheating… don’t get me started. The detailed story of my parents’ marriages, my supposed role models, is one for another day, but suffice it to say, I will never truly respect the woman who fell in love with my father while he was still married to my mother. Sorry, but even at six years old I knew right from wrong. I want to just scream.
Some days I want to scream all fucking day long, but I can’t do that, it doesn’t really fit with the rest of my lifestyle. I have this blog… and that is just going to have be good enough.