Just another love story. Part eight: questioning the engagement

STALKER NUMBER ONE

Somehow in my frantic quest to get the words out on my last entry, I completely forgot to include the story of my first stalker, also known as Blue Eyes’ first girlfriend, Michelle. After Blue Eyes and I moved into our own apartment, he was feeling better post winter break surgery, he was about to graduate, things were going so well, and then Blue Eyes received a phone call from his ex-girlfriend. This would be the girlfriend he stood me up for a year and a half before, the one he had oral sex with that night (which I didn’t know at the time), and the girlfriend–also unbeknownst to me until dday–that he had had a compulsive sexual relationship with that included public sex acts. Blue Eyes now considers this girlfriend his first acting out partner. She had been sexually abused, she was broken, she had low self esteem, and she used sex as a tool to medicate both herself and Blue Eyes. He was a virgin when he met her.

Michelle was a little older than Blue Eyes and she had returned to town for graduate school. When they met two and a half years before, she had returned home then to get an abortion and was too distraught to return to her college (and the boyfriend that got her pregnant) in the midwest. She stayed near home and attended university for a term. This is when she first met Blue Eyes and they had an approximate four month relationship. When she returned for grad school, she wanted to reconnect with Blue Eyes, thus the phone call to our apartment. Do not ask me how she got our phone number. She probably went to the fraternity house and got it from Blue Eyes’ past roommate, the one that never liked me. I don’t remember it being listed in his name. Blue Eyes seemed really uncomfortable while talking to her on the phone, mostly listening to her. I mouthed to him, “who is it?” He just stared at me and then he abruptly said that he and I were engaged and that he couldn’t talk to her anymore and he hung up on her. I thought how odd that he was so nervous and wasn’t even really civil to her. I had never met her and knew nothing about the details of their relationship. I had never cared about his past girlfriends. He told me Michelle wanted to see him and he just didn’t want to have anything to do with her anymore. It seemed so awkward, but I had no idea how they had left things when they broke up and also after their “one night stand.”

A few days later, Michelle called our apartment again and once again Blue Eyes answered the phone. Michelle asked to speak with me this time. Blue Eyes handed over the phone. Michelle introduced herself and she used her name and my name, as if I knew her. She said, hey Kat, it’s Michelle. I am an old friend of Blue Eyes. I thought it might be fun to get to know each other. I was kind of taken aback and told her I didn’t really think it was a great idea. That I was incredibly busy with work and school but that I hoped she enjoyed her classes. I hung up feeling really weirded out. Interestingly enough, as I was writing this, I realized how similar Michelle’s and Camilla’s phone calls were. At the time of the phone calls, both women knew about me, had had sex repeatedly with Blue Eyes prior to their phone call to me, knew that Blue Eyes and I were together, used a really familiar tone as if they knew me, and used my name as if I knew them. The fact that these phone calls were so similar and yet two different women and almost 30 years apart, creeps me out, even today. I told Blue Eyes I thought the call was strange and i thought she was a very odd person for making it. He agreed. A few days later I was leaving one of my classes, and a girl approached me. She was petite and blonde, very plain, not much to remember. I cannot even conjure her image in my mind actually. She said “hi Kat, I’m Michelle.” I continued walking thinking WTF. I thought I was pretty clear I had no interest in a friendship with her. She asked if I wanted to grab a coffee with her. I told her I didn’t have time, that I needed to go. I walked away wondering how in the world she knew where my class was or even what i looked like? About a week later, I was coming out of the library, and there she was again. She asked if I wanted to get lunch with her. I am not a mean or aggressive person, but come on. I told her I didn’t want to be friends with my fiancé’s old girlfriends. I just didn’t think it was appropriate. I asked her to please stop pursuing me. She didn’t even seem upset about my rebuffing her. Which I also thought was strange. She just kind of shrugged her shoulders and said, “okay.” I do not remember seeing her again, but honestly, she wasn’t much to remember. I do remember telling Blue Eyes about these encounters with his ex and asking him how she knew where I was or even what I looked like. He said he had no idea. As I was typing this out, I asked him again (over 30 years later and post disclosures that include him saying he used to fantasize about the public sex they had shared together while he was masturbating while I was away at class or working) if he had had any continuing secret relationship with her. Last night, he adamantly told me “NO!” But that she had also showed up at his classes at school and asked if they could be friends. He had told her no and not to contact him again. He had never told me this before. Not that it matters, but geez, after I had told him all those years ago about her trying to be friends with me, he could have at least been honest and told me she had pursued a friendship with him as well, but hey, you know SEX ADDICTION. It’s all about the lies. Eventually Michelle just went away. I assume she was still in the same town going to grad school, but I guess she moved on to other victims.

BLUE EYES MOVES TO JAPAN

As I said in my last post, I was really distraught when Blue Eyes finally left that summer to head home before his big move to Japan. We spoke on the phone almost non-stop for the week prior to his getting on a plane for Osaka that August 1986. Once he was actually in Japan, his time was sucked up with making new friends at the company dorm, studying Japanese, working long hours and then going to after-work drinking parties with his co-workers. He didn’t drink, but socializing and hanging out after work was part of the corporate culture. On weekends, he slept in and then went sightseeing with friends from the dorm. When you live in Kyoto, Japan, there is a lot to see. Even though he says he thought about me all the time, my guess is, he was very distracted. We talked on the phone as often as we could, but the phone bills were astronomically expensive, and the time difference is monstrous. At this point, I had decided to move back in with Colleen. Shortly before Blue Eyes left for home, Colleen had called in one of her woeful moods saying she was living with a friend but having troubles paying her bills. That a new living situation had opened up where she could share a condo with two other girls, but they wanted her to take the master suite and pay more and she really wanted to, but didn’t think she could afford it and if I shared the master with her (like old times, since she knew Blue Eyes was moving away) it would only cost each of us $175 a month. This was actually quite appealing to me as our apartment was nearly $600 a month (and I was on the hook for the whole thing), so even with a roommate (that I still needed to replace), I was paying $300 + utilities. Colleen and I agreed to move back in together. It made things significantly less lonely, but almost immediately I realized I had matured a lot in the past couple years, and Colleen had not. I would come home between classes and work and find Colleen and our other roommates plus friends watching daytime soaps on MY television, spilling their drinks all over MY sofa. No one went to class anymore and they barely worked. They mostly just partied. I wanted to be done with college. I was tired of working 40 hours a week and taking 5-6 classes at a time on top of that and living with a bunch of lazy losers. When they headed out to football games or bars, I would clean up the apartment because I just couldn’t study in the mess they all made. They thought I was crazy. Perhaps I was. I am the best roommate and the worst roommate all at the same time. I will clean up your shit, and make you food, and provide furniture for you to sit on, but all that comes at a cost. Namely, I will ride your ass like your fucking mother. I wanted out. I wanted out so bad.

The only thing that took my mind off of everything shitty going on in my life, was a boy. And that boy did not have blue eyes. He had amazing brown eyes and he was pretty darn attractive and very sweet and he had a gorgeous smile, and yeah, I noticed, he had an amazing body too. Blue Eyes had left me home, alone and vulnerable, with a ring on my finger that I rarely wore. When Blue Eyes left for Japan, without really taking me and my needs into consideration, it left a big hole in my heart. It took a toll on me as a human being. From the moment Blue Eyes walked away from me and got on that plane (with his suits, and ties, and belts, and shoes), I felt a deep sadness, but I also started questioning the strength of the partnership if my needs and wants were not even being considered in his life decisions. I knew he wasn’t ready for the commitment and we weren’t planning on getting married any time soon, but was he even ready for the relationship? And that got me questioning the engagement. I mean, I really started questioning it.

I had decided to take an intensive Japanese course that would give me much needed language credits (I had only completed a year of German and the Japanese course would give me a year’s credit in one term) and hopefully prepare me just a little bit if I decided to go visit Blue Eyes in Japan… the boy’s name was Rob. On the first day of Japanese class, I noticed him right away, standing in the doorway. Of course I was early and quietly seated long before class would begin. I am punctual like that. He stood there perusing the seating options and as soon as he caught sight of me, he strode confidently right over and sat down next to me. I said, “well, it looks like that seat has your name written all over it.” He smiled and said he could tell from my kind eyes and great smile that he was going to like sitting next to me. He also said I looked studious and he was pretty worried about this intensive class. He was a Freshman. Not only was I a Junior at this point, but I also had started school two years late. I realized right away, it was likely I was four years older than this boy, and I didn’t care. I was mesmerized by him. We got along famously. We hung out, we studied. He turned out to be a very mediocre student. He loved my study ethic, he said I kept him on track. He was rushing a fraternity and I went to a couple events with him. He knew I was engaged and I knew it was really fun to hang out with him and he made me less lonely. I remember during pledge week, the fraternity wouldn’t let him and the other pledges take a shower. They made them wear silly things all day. I never understood fraternities. Blue Eyes had been heavily involved in his fraternity and I really hated it. Even now sometimes I get the same weird vibe from his 12 step group. A bunch of boys getting together to do god knows what. Anyway, Rob smelled so bad at one point I told him I didn’t think the fraternity was worth it. He said he went to the guys at the fraternity and told them that his girlfriend was going to dump him if they didn’t let him take a shower. Coincidence or not, they got their showers the next day. I figured he was joking about the girlfriend remark, but I decided it was time to make sure he knew that our relationship wasn’t going there. He knew I had a fiancé who was living and working in Japan. He had been especially excited about that the first time we talked as he also wanted to eventually work in Japan. We continued to hang out and study together the rest of the term. I got my A, he got his B and he was thrilled. It really was an intensive class.

Meanwhile, my conversations with Blue Eyes were getting more and more frantic. I didn’t want to stay at school without him, at least not if we were engaged. He would need to let me go. I told him numerous times that I felt like calling off the engagement and going our separate ways might be the best thing for both of us. He begged me not to. I was miserable with my living arrangements. I was tired of my job. I was burnt out taking so many classes. I wanted a break and I thought if I didn’t get one, I would break. Blue Eyes decided I should come to Japan. One of his good friends, that he had met in Japanese class, taught English at a foreign language school there in Kyoto. He could get me a job. Blue Eyes’ Japanese mentor could help me with a work visa. By the time Blue Eyes brought it up to me, he had already started everything in motion. Blue Eyes had been sending me money for the phone bills, so he didn’t have much left over to help me with plane fare or to get settled. I would need to come up with that money and a passport. I had never had a passport before. I applied for an expedited passport, and was surprised at how quickly that came together. I called my dad and step mom and they gave me the money I needed to purchase the plane ticket, plus some extra. My mother and step father would help me with the rest, it would be my Christmas present. I was apprehensive and excited all at the same time. And then, all of the sudden, Blue Eyes’ mother started calling. She would call our phone at all times of the day trying to get ahold of me. She had no idea I was planning to go off to Japan (that I knew of), but it was certainly strange that she, all of the sudden, had this burning desire to speak with me. Blue Eyes assured me he had said nothing to her. I avoided her phone calls the last couple months before i was due to leave town. I packed up everything and took it out to my dad’s house and then left for home to celebrate Christmas with my mother. I would fly from my home town to Osaka, Japan. While I was at my mother’s for Christmas, my Dad called and said Blue Eyes’ mother was trying to get ahold of me and when she had tried to ring me at the condo, the phone had been disconnected. He said he told her I was home with my mother for the holiday, but he told her nothing else. I didn’t want her to know I was moving to Japan. I knew she would put every effort into ruining it for me. She started calling my mother’s house, but no one answered the phone. I forbid my mother from telling her anything until I was actually in Japan, not just on a plane to Japan, actually IN Japan. My mother understood. No mother wants to see her daughter treated like that woman was treating me. My family really liked Blue Eyes, otherwise, I am sure they would have suggested I just do myself a big favor and call the whole thing off.

When I got off the plane in Osaka, I was thrilled to see Blue Eyes after four long months apart. He had a message for me… “she knows. My mother knows you have moved to Japan.”

4 thoughts on “Just another love story. Part eight: questioning the engagement

    • You know, C. I almost changed the last word about her from victims, but I couldn’t think of anything else to put, so I left it. I could write really sympathetic stories about these girls, and eventually women, that Blue Eyes had sexual relationships with. They were all broken. Not actually sure the whole story on the slutty secretary, she just seemed to be having fun taking what didn’t belong to her, but the rest, terribly broken. It does make me very very sad that so many get sucked in by so little. I know it is incredibly difficult to keep a firm grasp on the self esteem after having been sexually abused, but the first step in getting help is realizing sex is not a good way to get or keep a man. This girl had been in therapy for years. I guess it wasn’t working. No matter how much we love sex, if that’s all there is, it’s not worth it, unless that is truly all you want. Also, I still wonder why she would want to be friends with me… to stay close to Blue Eyes? Who knows. The rest of the story, that I eventually found out, was that when Blue Eyes left for the summer two years before, she broke things off with him (running theme in his life there for a while). Then when he returned, she wanted to see him again before she left town. Turns out she just wanted to have sex with him in her car, nothing else. Miraculously, he said no. Most likely keeping touch with her would have resulted in the two of them having sex behind my back.

      Like

    • Ha, it actually wasn’t Blue Eyes that told her… she never would say (she always has to protect her informants, you know) but we’re pretty sure it was Blue Eyes’ mentor. A father figure to Blue Eyes (almost like a grandfather actually), but a very good friend of BE’s actual father. This man’s name is Asa and he is still alive, he is 90+ and he had no idea of the destructive nature of BE’s mother until years later.

      Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s