Running away

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I never thought about running away from home as a child. Ever.

Why can’t people just say what they mean, and do what they say they are going to do? Why does the world have to be so complicated? Why are there so many liars and cheaters? Why can’t there be one single day of my adult life that feels easy? Did I do this to myself? Do I expect too much? That is a question I ask myself often.

If I am good, and kind, and loving, and honest, and faithful, why are there people in my life that aren’t like that? That aren’t like me. Quite a few people. A lot of people, actually. Do I excise them all? Is it really that difficult to keep promises? Is it really that difficult to follow through? Is it really that difficult to be kind?

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I know these are all rhetorical questions, but there are days when I literally want to go away. It has been suggested that I take a break. That I do go away. This sounds like a very good idea to me but I don’t often do it. I think the reason I don’t, is because I am afraid I will never want to return. The coming home becomes the hard part.

54 thoughts on “Running away

  1. I ran away a lot as a kid. I recall my (normally very kind) mother locking me out one night! Growing up on a farm, with ponies, I would jump on one and gallop to the back of the farm or to our tree house. Coming home is the worst. Or the best!

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  2. What happens if you don’t go Kat? I understand why you would be afraid of not coming back, but are you afraid of what happens if you stay? Everyone has their limit maybe you’re approaching yours. Why don’t you think about doing something fun just for you? You will go back, hopefully rejuvenated, with fresh eyes and most importantly a space for yourself within yourself. X

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    • Absolutely great advice, Owlie. I don’t exactly know what I am afraid of… but I do think deep down in there I may be afraid I will like it better away, but won’t be able to sustain it. I really believe that when we have our beach house, it will be a great equalizer. For now, I think a simple break is in order and being rejuvenated sounds like the best thing ever right now. ❤

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  3. Please forgive this. I am not part of your unhappy group. I do, however, have a lot of work experience dealing with chaotic families. People forget that we are warm-blooded animals who, when we are in danger, get fight, flight or freeze reactions. The reason you want to run is what any animal in danger does. Inside your homes lurks danger. I would suggest you look at what happens to the human body when it is constantly on guard. It is flooded with very powerful hormones to get you out of danger. Those hormones are extremely toxic and take hours to come out of the system. If you are constantly on alert you are never free of them. Running away gives you the freedom to get away from what your body knows is dangerous. Right now, inside your homes feels dangerous. I assume none of you let your guard down ever. If you get together you might be able to relax enough to let all that tension and grief leave for a few days. Good luck. You are such eloquence writers, all of you.

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    • Yeah, it’s time to get those hormones out of our system. An escape from what causes them seems to be a good plan. I know that when I went to the seminar for betrayed wives 10 months out from my husband’s diagnosis, it was magical! Unfortunately, it was a one shot deal and really difficult to conjure those good vibes without a similar environment. Maybe it is time to recreate those feelings, of being understood, of being respected, of being treated with loving kindness without question or guilt or requirement of payback or promises. I do let my guard down all the time, unfortunately it doesn’t really change anything since those old habits of an addict die really hard. No matter how vulnerable I am, he will always feel like he is somehow the one being neglected. They built those feelings and habits so long ago, not sure they can be reversed. I mean he can stop feeding his addiction with a sick drug, but not sure he can change the underlying feelings. Not sure learning to live with it sounds like so much fun to me right now. I think I really do need a break.

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  4. I’ve gone on long drives… Hundreds of miles.. Walked beaches and spent hours in a cemetery. Thinking now of getting snow shoes!

    I’m afraid if I ran away I’d never want to come home. ❤️

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    • Snow shoeing is great exercise. I remember when we dropped our son in Lewiston for college in August and there were guys walking around with what looked like skis and poles, I think? I asked what they were doing… they were training for winter, of course. I had never seen anything like that. We don’t get a lot of snow here.

      I am afraid of the same thing, Rac… xoxo

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  5. Oh yes…that flight is strong in this girl. Although I did not run like Leight (but always wish I had the guts to!), I did disappear on long drives, ignore my phone…end up sitting on the beach a time or two…
    Ok runners…head to Florida? Actually, I have the PERFECT PLACE if you guys are really game…Let me know!

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  6. Oh Kat…this speaks right to my heart. I made running away an art. I would run to a nice hotel for a weekend. Room service, massages, nice dinners, whole days by the pool….No one knew where I was..I refused to turn on my phone. I admit, it was nice..but oh…the coming home! The questions, the scolding, the guilt..not to mention the expense and the fact that it never solved anything. I still have the urge to run away..all the time. Instead, I blog, or sketch, or read. Not nearly as luxurious as the Marriott but I’m told it’s a lot healthier. I get you sister! If you ever want to run away for a vacation, let me know 😊

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    • Wow, I never did that. I never did run away… once I went to a movie and shut off my phone and then was chastised by my therapist for “scaring” Blue Eyes. I went to a seminar for betrayed spouses about 10 months out from d-day and although it was great, I was homesick and desperate to be back home. I also visited my brother a year ago and was miserable. I am a big wuss. I think I have made a lot of progress since then though.

      It would be exciting to coordinate a time and a place for betrayed spouses to meet up and spend a weekend together, seeing each other face to face versus through a computer screen. That would be so much fun! Name the time and the place and I’ll meet you there. I don’t know where you are, I’m west coast, but I will be in New York, New Jersey, and Atlanta end of February/beginning of March. ❤

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  7. I love that saying! So ready to run away. I did it a lot from inside in my addiction. Now I want to run away and try to start clean where I don’t have reminders and old triggers everywhere. Or just take a vacation. 😛

    I think you deserve a good time away for yourself. And consider this: Along with the obvious possibility that you might not want to come home, you might find that coming home feels great 🙂

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    • I cannot wait until our beach house is built. I feel like that will be my place to go and it will be an amazing place to be with just me, and the waves, and the sunsets, and a cup of tea. In the meantime, I kind of do just feel like driving and driving and driving until I am too tired to drive anymore and then just stop there for a bit. Being out west, the place would probably be very desolate and boring and home would look pretty good at that point. 😉

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