Fight for me already

look_toward_the_light_by_aiaeLook Toward The Light

I chose to marry Blue Eyes in part because he is a sweet, kind, loving, passionate, generous, vulnerable human. All of those attributes are still very much a part of him. They never left him. There were just so many hidden traits working against him, tugging at his ability to be a really great partner. I can still say, however, that things were good. I had few complaints about Blue Eyes and even fewer complaints about our marriage. Things weren’t perfect. They never are. But with marriages falling apart all around us, I never, not once, worried about my marriage even though Blue Eyes was also disorganized, a horrible procrastinator, an avoider, and a workaholic. I am neurotic, obsessive compulsive, I can be obstinate, and impatient, as well as just a tad bit confrontational. We made it work, with everything between the two of us, we had a productive and passionate and civil marriage, and we enjoyed ourselves. At the end of 2013, nearly 30 years into our relationship, we were over the hump, so to speak.

On January 11, 2014, and in the months post d-day, I was like what the fuck? Even though he was still all those wonderful things, he was also a liar and a cheat and an addict. A path was carved out early on after discovery that included me staying and seeing if we could work through the shit while I healed from the trauma and he embarked on a path to recovery, recovery from being a selfish, egocentric asshole, and a sex addict. As far as those reasons I chose to marry Blue Eyes, the kindness… well, I learned he could be pretty unkind. The loving part, he remained loving to me, but as he vomited out months of disclosure, I learned he could also pretend to be quite loving to a bunch of other women too, in the same ways he had been loving to me. Ditto that for passionate. The generous part, well, he was generous with himself and his time when it suited him and when it didn’t, he was selfish. And that vulnerable bit of him, truth is the most vulnerable parts of him were hidden deep inside and covered with a mask of lies and deceit. As I have said numerous times here, and to Blue Eyes, the scales were dangerously out of kilter, post disclosure.

I knew I would be able to heal from the trauma. As my Mom says, “Kat, you are just made of stronger stuff. You can do anything.” I cringe at the thought of her saying those words to me. I am glad she has so much faith in me, but that is a lot of pressure to put on one human being… the strength to be able to handle “anything.” I cannot handle anything, but I can handle this. By handle this, I mean I can heal. But that still leaves the question of whether it is worth it to stay in a marriage with a cheater. And in this case, with a cheater who is also an addict. I know that Blue Eyes is still lying to me. He lies to protect himself. It was a bitter blow to find out he had been lying to me for 30 years, and not those little innocent white lie type lies, but real big significant lies about who he was, what he could handle, and what he did to cope. But it is an even bigger pill to swallow knowing he may never grow into the person I need him to be. I could compromise. I have been compromising for the past two years, living on the hope that he actually does have the ability to be open and vulnerable. I could compromise by acknowledging he will never dig deep enough in there to expose the truths about who he really is and I could just accept that reality and move forward with him enjoying the things about him that do work for me, and hoping he never goes back to the darkest parts of his addiction on a really bad day. I honestly don’t think I can do that. I can live with what he has done in the past, what is done is done, but I cannot live with him continuing to hide inside himself. I know who he is, but he is still dancing around his own truth. I could just live with who he is right now, and pretend I am fine with that. I could pretend that I am fine living with someone who rationalizes his own lies (not JUST rationalizes what he has done, but rationalizes continuing to lie about it because he thinks it is easier that way), and who hoards all that “bad” stuff up in a box on a very high shelf in a little room we will call the shame closet. I honestly never know when that box will tip over from the weight of it all, and come crashing down on both of us.

As I sat last night watching a television show that was riddled with violence, it struck me, hard, how damaged this world is that we live in, where people hurt each other every day and rationalize it away. The violence of the television show seeped through into what I know about real events, truth is stranger (and in this case more disgusting) than fiction after all. I want to shut out this world that is full of rationalizations and excuses for being mean, and hateful. There is a man running for president here in the United States who is hateful and racist and misogynistic and arrogant and entitled and I don’t know if people just think this is another form of entertainment and so they watch, and they laugh, and scariest of all, they rally behind this man, and we can no longer separate what is good and positive and right in our own lives from what is pure fiction and insensitive and cruel. I looked at Blue Eyes and I said to him… “it is no wonder people are at war. It is no wonder people are killing, and belittling and bullying other human beings every day. It starts right here, with individual people like you and the women you had sex with, and the ability of so many people to lie and cheat and betray their own theoretical values and morals and abuse their families [and in the case of the other woman, abuse people they don’t even know] for their own selfish and broken desires of the moment. When did people stop thinking about the greater good? Is what I am doing right here and right now hurting someone? What happened to just being kind?”

Post d-day Blue Eyes had a saying… he stopped saying it a while ago, but it was WWKD… ‘what would Kat do?’ Obviously a play on what would Jesus do? He wasn’t actually being sarcastic or facetious (he actually isn’t like that at all), he was being a bit playful, but there was some truth in what he was playing at. And, obviously I am not Jesus, or God, or anyone’s higher power, but honestly, if Blue Eyes had gone through his days since meeting me asking himself that question, what would Kat do, or better yet, how would Kat feel about this?, he couldn’t possibly have done the things he did. But the truth is, as a very broken and fallible human being, he completely blocked me and my feelings out. I am still struggling with understanding how it is possible to do this, block out the person you claim to love the most. And, if a person has the ability to do this, how do they also have the ability to turn it around and miraculously start thinking about how their actions affect their loved ones? How does that happen? I question the reality of whether it actually can.

As we are healing our minds, our bodies, our souls, from the wrongs perpetrated on us by those who claim to love us (Blue Eyes and his parents, me and Blue Eyes, etc… ) we still need to remember to be kind and loving and generous and open and honest and trusting of the people in our life. I am incredibly understanding of Blue Eyes’ situation. I am compassionate about his recovery from addiction. I am forgiving (NOT forgetting) of his bad acts of the past. I am learning to trust again. I actually do think what I have been able to do by staying and believing in him is a pretty stellar feat. I believe it is okay to pat myself on the back on this one. For fuck’s sake, Blue Eyes treated me like an employee, a doormat, an insignificant acquaintance instead of his loving loyal life partner. He ignored every single one of my needs in order to garner sick secret sex from a broken down alcoholic hoarding whore (wow, I haven’t said that in a while… I must be in a real snit here because I really don’t… honestly and truly… give a flying fuck about that awful woman). We have chosen no contact with Blue Eyes’ parents because they were hurting Blue Eyes, and me, and it was counterproductive to healing. On that same line of thinking, why do I still have contact with Blue Eyes? I can answer that question, thankfully, otherwise I would think I would need to be checked into a mental institution. I stay because I believe that Blue Eyes can and does want to change, but my patience is running thin. I have become much stronger as a result of everything that Blue Eyes is and everything he has done. I believe he does not want to be an addict. I believe he does want to be kind and thoughtful and loving and open and vulnerable and most of all honest. I believe he WANTS those things, but I am just not convinced he is willing to work hard enough to achieve them.

I am squarely at the point now where not only do I want all those things from Blue Eyes (you know… the kindness, the love, the passion, the honesty, the integrity, the vulnerability, all that), but I want him to fucking stand up like a man and grow a pair. I want him to shout from the rooftops how much he does not want to lose me. Blue Eyes doesn’t scream. He doesn’t argue. He doesn’t fight. Well, fuck him. I want him to start fighting for me. I want him to scream how much he cares about me and my happiness, and I want him to prove to me that my life matters. I am overtly passionate about a lot of things, especially my husband. In this respect, I DO want him to be like me. I want him to embrace the ideal that my life, my needs, my cares, my wants… that they matter at least as much as his own. Instead of crawling inside himself and rationalizing this big fucking pity party, I want him to get mad, to get mean. I want him to fight with the demons inside himself and show them that he doesn’t want to end up alone and lonely, like so many sex addicts do, and are, and that I am fucking worth the battle.

Obviously anyone regularly reading my blog can clearly see that me not being thrilled with how Blue Eyes is behaving as a husband/life partner has been a running theme. I have dealt with the agony of finding out my marriage just was not at all what I thought it was. I have dealt with the burden of realizing the person I trusted most failed me miserably. I have dealt with coming to terms with sex addiction being so fucking real that it stares me in the face daily. I have dealt with sharing my husband’s humiliating secrets with friends and family. I have dealt with feeling not good enough just because my husband chose to have sex with broken down women–now how fucked up is that?!?! And Blue Eyes has acknowledged that everything he did in the name of his addiction was totally of his doing. That he is responsible for every decision he has ever made. He actively participates in a well established recovery process. I do believe he wants to be a better man.

So why this post, today, you might ask? I won’t go into great detail as this is already long enough, but suffice it to say, Blue Eyes still thinks it is okay to gloss over the truth with old long worn out lies in order to protect himself. He also seems to think that thirty years of lying, and 15 years of cheating, and everything he did to destroy a relationship between two human beings who swore to love and cherish each other, is somehow going to be miraculously fixed by his theoretical recovery. Um, nope. His recovery is for him. So he can be the man he wants to be. As far as repairing our marriage, that will always be about what he does, himself (without the help of therapists and 12 step buddies) in the privacy of our relationship as a couple to allow me to feel safe, loved, respected, and cherished. I don’t care what else he is doing to fix himself. To fix Blue Eyes, the husband, will always be about how he makes me feel. If I don’t feel right, he will still be Blue Eyes the man seeking recovery from addiction, Blue Eyes the man trying to be a better human, but he will not be Blue Eyes the successful husband of Kat.

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So seriously guys, WWKD. What would Kat do if she wasn’t feeling it? If she just didn’t feel like she was getting enough. If she didn’t feel loved enough, cherished enough, adored enough, appreciated enough… what would she do?

photocredit: http://aiae.deviantart.com/art/Look-Toward-The-Light-126222942

55 thoughts on “Fight for me already

  1. Your journey. I don’t know if I just don’t have the heart or if I feel like 13 years isn’t the same as 30 with kids. I fucking love my husband; but he’s not a real person. So all I can tell myself is to leave. Leave leave leave. I don’t know how you manage to stay.

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    • I get it, CR. Our journeys are indeed unique. We must use our best instincts. I have no idea what I would have done 20 years ago, or before kids. I have thought about it. It is difficult enough facing what is in front of me. All I know is I want happy back.

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        • OMG, no! You need to use your own instincts with what you are facing right now. Don’t second guess yourself because of anything I have said or anything I do with my silly life. I have had many comments on here, both young and old, who have stayed, but also many who have moved on from lying, cheating partners and are quite happy. You need to take care of you. I just wish you didn’t have to wait so long to be free. I am not sure what your husband’s story is, but even once the truth comes out, there is years and years of healing from what they have done. We all get to choose… no regrets. I’m wishing you continued strength on this tumultuous journey you are on. ❤

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  2. I am crying. Your words say exactly what I often feel. My husband is a fighter and he is working hard on his recovery, but the lies . . . I have been wondering if addicts really understand what truth is. Last night, I realized that staying with my husband means heartbreak and leaving my husband means heartbreak. I just don’t know that my heart can take much more.

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    • 💔 I feel for your breaking heart. I totally get it. What a disheartening journey on so many days. I think addicts know what truth is, but they are desperately afraid of it. Afraid for the world to know the “real” them. It seems no matter what I do, I will never convince my husband that I am a safe place. xx

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  3. Hi Kat, I find myself hooked on your blog, checking for new posts every few days. This latest post just spoke to me . I am almost two yrs out from discovery, from a similar situation. We’ve been married twelve yrs. My husband, I discovered was cheating with up to 60 different partners over the entire marriage. He has sworn now he is finished with it all. We had a wonderful, full life rich with friends, family, holidays, plans.

    I feel the same way you describe, I’m left cold. He doesn’t seem to be able to consistently express the empathy I need in order to move on from the trauma I experienced. He’s apologized, said he will do anything to keep our marriage. But I noticed over the last two yrs, that when I appear to be ok for a while, he begins to act as if nothing happened, even snap at me over ordinary things. I feel he doesn’t have that right to snap at me, ever again!

    I guess this is what makes me wonder if it’s just too much brokenness. What I need from him is a lot. A lot of care, a lot of explaining, a lot of kindness, a lot of time and understanding. Something is leaving me cold. And afraid to just carry on. I’ve been unable to heal. And to me, this would be a good time for a grand gesture, a passionate display, something big enough, a sacrifice of some kind. I can’t even explain what I need. I feel a lack of anything that would begin to help me. A fight, for me.

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    • Thank you, Maureen, for following and for commenting. I hope your husband is able to make some kind of grand gesture that makes you feel secure in your choice to stay. I know the recovery journey is a long and tumultuous one and it seems they should be able to understand what they have done and somehow work harder at making it right. I also often times feel cold, and empty. It is a disheartening feeling coming to terms with the fact that in many ways I was married to a stranger. The man I knew couldn’t have done it. It’s true, the more things go back to “normal,” the more I appear to be healing, the less effort he gives to making amends. It’s scary. Every day for the rest of their lives needs to be about living honestly, recovering, and making amends. Hugs of understanding, because I know how you feel. xx

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    • I know you do get it. If only it were a linear journey. Unfortunately the path just isn’t straight. If it was, I guess it would make more sense. If BE made it look easy, I would know it wasn’t real. I put faith in believing the work I put into myself and my relationship will reap benefits. ♥️

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  4. Maybe he is fighting for you Kat but not in the way you’d prefer? H, even though he has not put a step wrong since d-day, manages to disappoint me. There is no crystal ball for the future but if you can see that he is doing the work then maybe you can stay in the ring. Sometimes it can be overwhelming and you need the bell to ring – sit in the corner and rest awhile – before you return to the fight!

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    • I love this analogy, MR. I am a fighter and BE is… well, I’m not going to go all Michael Jackson on this. I agree that as long as we both stay in the ring, I should take a few minutes to rest and just sit it out a round. I am constantly in overdrive, thus my high blood pressure. Perhaps I don’t need a therapist, but someone to make me just stop and breathe for a change. ❤

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  5. Oh Kat, this post really spoke to me. My heart hurts for you, for me, for all of us who are in this situation… and there seem to be so many of us. 3.5 years out and my husband has done a lot, but just not enough, he lacks the drive, the passion, the… hunger… to fight for me, for us, for our family and for our marriage. I can see that he WANTS our marriage to heal, he wants to be with me, he wants to fix this, but he hasn’t got the balls to actually DO all the things that need to be done if we are going to get close to the really GOOD marriage that I had hoped we could achieve after DDay. For now our 27 years of marriage, the history we share and our close-knit family are enough to keep me here. But, I don’t know, there are days I feel the way you feel in this post. My heart can surely only keep on hoping for so long, eventually I think the tide will turn.

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    • It hurts knowing there are others who have these same feelings. Many many days are very good around here. We are at 27 years marriage this summer (32 years together). That is a long time to be with someone as a partner building a life and a family and then just feel like we are throwing it away. I get that, but I think our instincts are good. We need to keep striving for what makes us truly happy. We have but one life and even though we are the master of our own happiness, there are changes that can be made to fuel our fires. I hope our husbands rise to the occasion, but if they don’t, we have choices. Many women have walked these steps before us and not only survived, but thrived. ❤

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  6. I keep being amazed by how similar feelings / issues / challenges we are all facing, even though each individual and each couple is so vastly different. I was so very sad reading that your husband, after two years in recovery and seemingly working hard on it, is still lying. That was the only thing I asked my husband to do: to be honest with me, and I’d stand by him and help him through recovery. He simply cannot be honest. And, like yours, he also just rationalises his continuous lying even after discovery. There’s always something, right now it’s his SA sponsor who tells him it’s ‘normal’ in the early stages of recovery. But when do the ‘early stages’ end, if not even in two years?! Well, we are now separated since he crossed this single boundary I set, and seeing that your husband, with your help and in good recovery is still lying years later… does not give me any confidence. I’m asking myself the same questions you are, and frankly, it might just be healthier (for me) to leave, to exit while I sanely can. Would be good to hear from someone who has been through this, stayed, and found it a satisfying joyful happy experience… not just surviving…

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    • Sadly enough, I am not sure there are a lot of incidences where the wives stay and it is a wholly satisfying, joyful, happy experience… a lot of damage has been done and the recovery process is long. I think marriage is always a compromise, but truth and honesty are paramount to healthy relationships. My husband does not lie about things that are happening now. He was excruciatingly honest about the incident a couple weeks ago with his feeling shame and disgust with himself and then his thoughts of one of the women he had been grooming pre d-day. I am pretty realistic with my expectations of my husband and our marriage. It still does very much infuriate me though when I go back to questions about his relationship with his last and longest acting out partner and I feel like I still have to beat the truth out of him. The problem is, the longer away from the bad behavior they get, the more they rationalize it is in the past, dead and buried, and why would they change their story now. We had a long conversation about something sexual… something that had been eating at me because I just instinctively knew during all our discussions the first year he had not been completely honest. His reason, possibly I would never want to do “that” –in bed– again if I knew they had done it together. No matter how many times I tell him it is just about honesty, not the acts, he refuses to get it because he feels ashamed of himself and he has been hiding his bad acts for decades. So, yesterday morning when I approached the subject one more time (many many years after the actual events, probably close to 10 years now)… he instinctively went back to his old pat answers, he skipped right on by the truth, but I demanded more. I BEAT A DEAD HORSE… YES I DID. And he finally told the truth. So ridiculous. So lame. So insane. It still infuriates me. Just tell the damn truth already. If you believe what you read, they never do actually tell the whole truth, ever, for numerous reasons. BUT, when I actually ask for the truth, I expect to receive it and I don’t want to have to manipulate, coerce, beg, yell, whatever, to get it. So, in the end, what was divulged was VERY old news about an old long dead relationship. But that did not matter to me. What I want is for him to be as disgusted with himself as I am… not hide it inside disgust, but yell and scream and get pissed off at himself not only for doing it, but for lying about it for a year. But all he thinks about is protecting himself. I want him to climb into my shoes and feel how I feel… then maybe he would understand why the truth is important. I don’t really give a shit about the stupid sex act, it was sick secret dirty sex. WHATEVER. I just want the truth. So yeah, it is disheartening that it takes this long, but we are married to addicts, so it will be about surviving for a while. I have been blogging for a while now and the reason I stay is because I still need to yell it out, but I also want women to continue to hear a real story about our real lives, in YEAR THREE. Not sure if I will still be blogging in year five, at least not sure if it will be about this, but I don’t let my husband off the hook. I still require things from him. I do have expectations. There is still a chance for me to start over at this point. I am constantly weighing my alternatives, for me. He knows what he needs to do… I am a doer and he is an avoider. He is going to have to change that behavior if he wants to stay married to me. But one thing I do want you to know is that he is not lying about his current behavior, which is great, especially for him because he knows now that he can be honest about who he is and what he does and he can actually like who he is and he is sober for 26+ months now. Solidly sober. He has made great progress. It is not all bad… But it is year three now for us. I still want more. Big hugs to you. xx

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      • Thank you Kat. Yes, it is super helpful to read a story that spans over years of recovery because (even though we are all different) there is a clear pattern and thus at least some (sad) predictability in the behaviours (both active addictive and in recovery) of sex addicts. I’m pretty new to this, but surprisingly level-headed already (meaning I’m aware of my trauma and working on my own healing), and I’m on the opinion that they will only be in true recovery when the lying stops. I know it’s hard for them, I know it’s a habit of decades, sometimes a lifetime. But still. It is a decision, let us not forget that. A decision made at the same place where his acting out decisions were made. Lying has to stop for real change of heart, for real recovery. Staying sober is the easy part of recovery, even experts say that – and obviously the husbands wouldn’t act out while we are watching closely anyway. Whether it regards past, present, future, small, big, whatever, lying is the door to their dark sides. It is like cockroaches: for every one you see there is a thousand others you don’t, and they multiply with incredible intensity. Until all the hidden truths from the past (present, future…) come out, they won’t be able to shake (or at least work on) the shame, and thus they will – in my opinion – not be able to get free from their addictive behaviours and compulsive urges.

        And, regardless of their recovery, and in line with what you also clearly state, them getting to truthfulness is equally important for us partners to happen. Trust is the absolute foundation of any relationship, and that can not exist without honesty – complete and consistent honesty.

        Does this make any sense from where you are on the path? Or am I too idealistic?

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        • I agree with you, shattered, on everything except them not acting out while we watch them closely… unfortunately, there are more stories in my husband’s 12 step group of successfully recovered sex addicts of them continuing to act out after discovery and diagnosis, than not. My husband’s sponsor is one of those men. That is why so many spouses have 2nd and even 3rd d-days. It is totally about the lying… in my mind it is mostly about the lying they do to themselves! They somehow rationalize their behavior over and over. I have diligently held my ground since discovery that until telling the truth becomes instinctual, he is still protecting his addiction. He has put a wall of protection up around his bad acts because he doesn’t want to feel the feelings that real truth and honesty expose. He is still very much unrecovered, but he does keep plugging along. He hasn’t given up on himself. I try to be patient and understanding. I’m not always successful. xx

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          • No one can blame you for not always being patient and understanding. In fact, staying in itself means you are already super patient. Sad re: continued acting out, and especially that those guys can and do still take on sponsoring newbies. My husband’s sponsor said to him that lying in the early stages of recovery is normal – so he is now using this as his rationalisation. Maybe if his sponsor tells him that acting out a little during recovery is also normal than he’d believe that it was completely fine, too. It’s like a blind man is leading another blind man through a mind field.

            So, what is your baseline? How long are you willing to do this and wait for his walls to come down and get to truthfulness and complete honesty? No pressure, just curious if you have an internal boundary for yourself. I know I’ll need one if I decide to stay for a while, so I don’t feel trapped. I’m 36 now and want more children and a happy life, so for me giving up the possibility of a big family and true happiness for a slight chance that my husband ‘maybe’ recovers and becomes a human being with real emotions in 3-5 years, well, sounds a bit of a sh*tshow (sorry for the language).

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            • I honestly think those guys, that didn’t get it right the first time, make great sponsors. They have been completely 100% sober for, some of them, over a decade. They were not sponsors when they were still acting out. Recovering from sex addiction is such a long process. They know first hand how difficult it was to really give up the addiction. One of the reasons I continue to blog is because it is a long process. It doesn’t just end… or if it does, we are no where near that point in the journey. I doubt there will ever be a day for me where everything he has done is just gone from my brain. I mean he was actually a completely different person than I thought he was. That is mind blowing. So, regarding the addicts continuing to lie… it is a reality. If he is taking it as a rationalization to keep doing it, well then he has a long way to go. I doubt any sponsor would tell their sponsee that acting out a little along the way is normal. They know better. Once they are clean, they don’t ever want to go back and they spend a great deal of time making sure they have the tools necessary not to go back to that life.

              I have never had a baseline or a timeline for healing and recovery. For me it has always been are we both moving forward. Is BE moving forward with his therapy and recovery, or is he stagnating and behaving badly and rationalizing. Am I miserable more than I am happy. Those are my guidelines. Unfortunately, I use this blog mostly to write out my frustrations. We just went through a really rough time with BE having surgery and all the old childhood wounds coming back to haunt him. We are coming out of the storm now. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. We must all make decisions for ourselves based on our own needs. I am 52 with two grown boys. My family is complete. I made the decision long ago that two was exactly what I wanted and what I could handle. I actually made that decision independently of my husband because he traveled so much. I knew I would be raising them a lot on my own. They are raised, and we are financially secure now. I adore most things about the husband I knew for 30 years. I am learning to accept the fact that my husband (along with everything I adored) is a recovering addict. But, I am also constantly gauging my happiness and contentment factor. We all must do that in our lives. I was not unhappy pre d-day. I never felt like I was compromising. I am striving to get to a place post d-day where I truly feel all in and like I am not compromising now. I don’t feel trapped, just some days a little bit unsure of whether this journey is the right one for me. I hope you don’t feel trapped either. I know this is a shitty decision to make. xx

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  7. I asked my ex once why he was willing to exercise to the point of puking…as a badge of honor (he started crossfit before it was even a common household name around here) yet wouldn’t fight for the family (and me) that he had pledged himself to…it makes no sense. Obviously, he’s my ex, so he never did fight for me, he just found another woman who could make him feel like it was okay that he didn’t.

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  8. I think the addicts do not know what love is. They can not give love that we deserve because they are empty. My soon to be ex (i am going to file soon- just cannot gather the logistics yet) is recovering addict and what i am seeing is he is feeling so sorry for himself- it is always him! He says sorry for what he did for me but i don’t think it reaches to his hearth which leaves me empty.

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    • I totally understand, lost. I agree, I think they are stunted and do not really understand love because it was not shown to them when they were vulnerable children. I am not sure how much they can learn as adults once they let their addictive coping mechanisms go. I guess time will tell.

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  9. My former BFF (ha!) has a twice married and divorced older sister whom I adore, flaws and all -after all, we all have them – who tells me that her first husband, the father of her four lovely young adults, never fought with her. She is an intelligent, beautiful, passionate, outgoing personality, and she just wanted to see and feel some PASSION dammit. She knew he loved her. But she felt he would never fight FOR her if he didn’t fight WITH her. I wasn’t completely convinced at first. But she left him over the empty space she felt without that fierceness between them. Now, I am not suggesting this is the case with you and BE. Just to agree that yes, fight FOR Kat, BE. I also wonder if passion in that form is even learnable? Maybe his coping mechanisms from childhood have snuffed that spark out? Maybe his way of fighting for you is so subtle that you can’t feel it? But I argue that it is there. He wants this. He just needs to fan those fighting flames pretty rigorously.

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    • I so get where the sister was at, but I dare say I would not have done the same, before. Blue Eyes always had passion, it was all entangled with his addiction, but knowing he showed that kind of passion to other women really muddies the waters. A lot of his “passion” is gone or dormant at this point. Not sure he has it without the addiction. I guess time will tell. My guess is he knows deep down inside what his feelings for me are and he cannot imagine living without me, but that does not translate into action that shows me how deep those feelings go. Perhaps you are correct, his childhood snuffed out his desire or ability to express those deep emotions because of the way he was treated by his parents. Sad. He used to be a very hyper, eccentric, high energy guy. We don’t see a lot of that anymore. Maybe it is dying with the addiction and I need to learn to really accept the new Blue Eyes. I think there is compromise here. Talking it out is good. ❤

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  10. Kat. You are so worth fighting for, and should be fought for. You, your care, your devotion, your loyalty. That self-protection is a thick layer between you, and until that is gone, it is still really all about him. The choices you make now can be a choice for now. The future is not yet there, it unfolds. Consider for you what is the next right thing. Wish I could be there and let you know how courageous you are. HUGS.

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    • Thank you, SS.I really appreciate the words of support. I am in a funk and I know my expectations are high and his wounds are still deeply imbedded. This whole thing sucks. I am glad he is not pretending everything is okay, that he has it all under control, that would be scarier I guess. I need more distractions I think… and some time away. xoxo

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  11. Hi Kat, You have an amazing way with words. That’s exactly how I felt at therapy yesterday. Damn it, fight for me! Instead, my husband is waiting for his higher power to give him a sign since he knows he can’t make a good decision. Mine appears to be doing really well with his individual recovery but the marriage and I need a lot more attention. Great blog post today!

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    • I need to go read your most recent posts. Since we never separated, I have seen the good, the bad, and the ugly first hand day in day out. I cannot say this is the healthier path, but I can say that I have never let him forget that repairing the marriage is equally as important as his recovery from sex addiction. They are definitely not mutually exclusive in my mind. At first I thought perhaps he would have worked harder and or more diligently on his recovery if there had been a separation, but I’m pretty sure as long as he thought he would get me back eventually, there wouldn’t have been. Who knows, but I was never willing to let other people dictate how my marriage would play out (not saying that is a good thing). Since we hopped around therapists quite a bit and we each had individual therapists for many many months before we tried couple’s therapy there was no prescribed way to do this by anyone. I expected him to rise to the occasion. He certainly has not met my expectations fully, but he is working on it and even though he struggles with being who I want him to be, we never lost our connection. I was really afraid that once he was gone, I would move forward and away from that connection with him. I could feel it in myself. Despite what I write on my blog (which is mostly the bad and ugly) there is still lots of good in our lives. I definitely go through hills and valleys and I watch his emotions do the same. Recovering from something like this trauma, addiction, chronic marital infidelity, I just don’t think there is any good timeline for it. Each couple needs to use their own best instincts. Hugs on this day. I hope you are having a good one! ❤

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  12. As I tell W… I believe that you think you really love me now. I believe that you think you’re doing your best. But you don’t… and you aren’t. And I deserve to have someone love me without having to point out why I am love-able and worthy of it… and HOW to love me. I shouldn’t have to explain to the man who already vowed to do those things, how to love and protect and cherish and honor the woman he loves. And maybe you remember for a while and do well for a while because it’s fresh in your memory… but then it slides. I shouldn’t have to remind you how to LOVE me. That’s bullshit. If you TRULY DID, you just WOULD DO it.

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          • I understand. I’ve been in such a deep depression for more than ten years, I don’t think I’ll ever get out. If you have family and friends, it helps. I don’t have either, so I go it alone…but it’s actually okay. People don’t know how to handle other people with depression….causes a lot of bitterness and hard feelings when they accuse you of being “dramatic.”

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            • I totally understand. Since I grew up with a sister with borderline personality disorder with bi-polar tendencies, I have been acutely aware of depression symptoms and the power they wield. Most people do not “get it.” I think being forced to go it alone builds a unique strength and understanding that relying on others is always a tenuous place to be anyway. ❤

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              • It is but you would think the children you raised and took care of would be there for you…at least I thought they would. I was sure there for them…oh well. They just couldn’t handle the mom they referred to as a “steel magnolia” falling into a ditch and never getting back out.

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