I was actually working diligently on something else, but decided to come here to vent. I’m not traumatized, I’m not even upset. Just, well, I guess, exasperated? I want to blow off a little steam.
Blue Eyes had therapy this morning. He called me post therapy to ask if he could bring me home some lunch. I declined his offer as I believed he needed to get back to the office, and I have food here at home to eat. On the phone, he told me he had a productive appointment with his therapist and that he is giving himself a month to complete his amends step (yep, he’s still working Step 9) and present it to me. I have no idea what this entails, and that is fine. I will learn when the time comes. The part that stopped me in my tracks, however, was when he said, “so, if I don’t complete my amends step by March 25, 2016, there will be a consequence.” He told me his consequence would be that he would have to move into a hotel.
That was what he said, if he didn’t complete his amends step on time, his “punishment” would be that HE would move into a HOTEL. This was his therapist’s idea. Like I have said, not sure The Shrink really understands Blue Eyes. So, a couple thoughts on that scenario. First off, most of Blue Eyes’ acting out behaviors happened in hotel rooms, with or without other women, so there is that. Second, Blue Eyes LOVES staying at hotels… fancy hotels with cleaning service, shoe shine service, room service. There are no household chores at a hotel, no walking the dogs, no feeding the cats and cleaning litter boxes. No taking out the garbage or doing dishes. He can even walk to many wonderful hotels (and restaurants) right from our downtown office, how convenient. Now, theoretically moving into a hotel means being separated from me and that is supposedly where the punishment comes in. Um, okay. He’s two years in to recovery now. I’m not traumatized, he’s not frantic. He has a boat load of resources at his finger tips now including a bunch of new 12 step friends, 12 step meetings (most within walking distance of said office, and theoretical hotel) and he is back to work pretty much full time, so how convenient is that? He knows that if he moves into a hotel for a couple weeks (or whatever), things are calm enough that I am not going to run to a divorce attorney. These steps are for him, as part of a prescribed recovery process he has committed to. But third, we have a set of boundary rules and if he breaks certain rules, the prescribed consequence to HIM, is that I move into a hotel. I am the one who gets to stay in a fancy hotel where someone makes my bed for me and brings me food and I don’t have to do the dishes, and I don’t have to clean up after him or anyone or anything else. I know, we both sound like spoiled brats, no?
When the trauma therapist and I sent the boundary sheet to Blue Eyes and his therapist approximately 20 months ago, I stated clearly that if Blue Eyes broke certain rules, crossed specific boundaries if you will, I would move out. My therapist questioned me at length on why I would move out and not Blue Eyes. Here is the comment I sent to her in an email at the end of June, 2014 (verbatim):
I will move out because staying in the house for me generally means continuing to carry on all the activities I have done mostly by myself for the past 25 years (i.e., responsibility for household chores, maintenance, bills, pets, kids–our younger son is still at home, etc… ) and which, at times caused me a great deal of stress and anxiety. We have already talked about this and he knows “move out” means me and he will be responsible for our rather large house, four pets, etc… Also, once our beach house is built, I will go there if the need arises.
It is funny to read back and to think that even 20 months ago I was talking about our beach house being built. They just started the framing on the house, TODAY. This beach house building process has taken an enormously long time to get under way and gain traction. It does kind of feel like a parallel journey to our healing process. We first ventured to the coast to look at available properties five days before d-day. We put an offer in on an old oceanfront fixer upper three days prior to d-day. After many counter offers, we had a signed agreement pending inspection one month post d-day. The sellers pulled out of the deal two months post d-day. We found our beachfront lot the following week, and the paperwork was finalized on my 51st birthday, four months post d-day. I started trauma therapy the next day. It has now been more than 21 months since we closed on the property and we still have months to go to realize an actual beach house. Through both of these processes, building a beach house, and healing from the trauma of finding out my husband is a sex addict, has been a sex addict our entire relationship, I am learning patience.
Back to Step 9. I revised Blue Eyes’ plan a little. If Blue Eyes does not complete and present his Step 9 amends to me before March 25, I will be jetting off to Miami, Florida and checking into a fancy hotel for an undisclosed period of time. I will be meeting up with blogger friends, soaking up some southern sunshine, sipping drinks by the pool, eating gourmet meals, lugging my swimsuit and pile of books to the gorgeous beaches, basking in the glow of numerous spa treatments, and giving not one single fucking care to what is going on back home. Plan revised. Here on this blog. In writing. There you go.
Alternate plan (in case the above doesn’t work for some reason): Blue Eyes is dropped at a flea bitten motel that is not in downtown and not near any fancy restaurants or luxurious surroundings and he is left without a car. He will be required to go everywhere by public transportation, and he will be required to spend all nights and weekends at said motel until he does complete Step 9. Now that sounds more like a legit consequence to me.