Plan, revised.

the keys, florida

Lunch in the Florida Keys, Spring 2015

I was actually working diligently on something else, but decided to come here to vent. I’m not traumatized, I’m not even upset. Just, well, I guess, exasperated? I want to blow off a little steam.

Blue Eyes had therapy this morning. He called me post therapy to ask if he could bring me home some lunch. I declined his offer as I believed he needed to get back to the office, and I have food here at home to eat. On the phone, he told me he had a productive appointment with his therapist and that he is giving himself a month to complete his amends step (yep, he’s still working Step 9) and present it to me. I have no idea what this entails, and that is fine. I will learn when the time comes. The part that stopped me in my tracks, however, was when he said, “so, if I don’t complete my amends step by March 25, 2016, there will be a consequence.” He told me his consequence would be that he would have to move into a hotel.

That was what he said, if he didn’t complete his amends step on time, his “punishment” would be that HE would move into a HOTEL. This was his therapist’s idea. Like I have said, not sure The Shrink really understands Blue Eyes. So, a couple thoughts on that scenario. First off, most of Blue Eyes’ acting out behaviors happened in hotel rooms, with or without other women, so there is that. Second, Blue Eyes LOVES staying at hotels… fancy hotels with cleaning service, shoe shine service, room service. There are no household chores at a hotel, no walking the dogs, no feeding the cats and cleaning litter boxes. No taking out the garbage or doing dishes. He can even walk to many wonderful hotels (and restaurants) right from our downtown office, how convenient. Now, theoretically moving into a hotel means being separated from me and that is supposedly where the punishment comes in. Um, okay. He’s two years in to recovery now. I’m not traumatized, he’s not frantic. He has a boat load of resources at his finger tips now including a bunch of new 12 step friends, 12 step meetings (most within walking distance of said office, and theoretical hotel) and he is back to work pretty much full time, so how convenient is that? He knows that if he moves into a hotel for a couple weeks (or whatever), things are calm enough that I am not going to run to a divorce attorney. These steps are for him, as part of a prescribed recovery process he has committed to. But third, we have a set of boundary rules and if he breaks certain rules, the prescribed consequence to HIM, is that I move into a hotel. I am the one who gets to stay in a fancy hotel where someone makes my bed for me and brings me food and I don’t have to do the dishes, and I don’t have to clean up after him or anyone or anything else. I know, we both sound like spoiled brats, no?

When the trauma therapist and I sent the boundary sheet to Blue Eyes and his therapist approximately 20 months ago, I stated clearly that if Blue Eyes broke certain rules, crossed specific boundaries if you will, I would move out. My therapist questioned me at length on why I would move out and not Blue Eyes. Here is the comment I sent to her in an email at the end of June, 2014 (verbatim):

I will move out because staying in the house for me generally means continuing to carry on all the activities I have done mostly by myself for the past 25 years (i.e., responsibility for household chores, maintenance, bills, pets, kids–our younger son is still at home, etc… ) and which, at times caused me a great deal of stress and anxiety. We have already talked about this and he knows “move out” means me and he will be responsible for our rather large house, four pets, etc… Also, once our beach house is built, I will go there if the need arises.

It is funny to read back and to think that even 20 months ago I was talking about our beach house being built. They just started the framing on the house, TODAY. This beach house building process has taken an enormously long time to get under way and gain traction. It does kind of feel like a parallel journey to our healing process. We first ventured to the coast to look at available properties five days before d-day. We put an offer in on an old oceanfront fixer upper three days prior to d-day. After many counter offers, we had a signed agreement pending inspection one month post d-day. The sellers pulled out of the deal two months post d-day. We found our beachfront lot the following week, and the paperwork was finalized on my 51st birthday, four months post d-day. I started trauma therapy the next day. It has now been more than 21 months since we closed on the property and we still have months to go to realize an actual beach house. Through both of these processes, building a beach house, and healing from the trauma of finding out my husband is a sex addict, has been a sex addict our entire relationship, I am learning patience.

Back to Step 9. I revised Blue Eyes’ plan a little. If Blue Eyes does not complete and present his Step 9 amends to me before March 25, I will be jetting off to Miami, Florida and checking into a fancy hotel for an undisclosed period of time. I will be meeting up with blogger friends, soaking up some southern sunshine, sipping drinks by the pool, eating gourmet meals, lugging my swimsuit and pile of books to the gorgeous beaches, basking in the glow of numerous spa treatments, and giving not one single fucking care to what is going on back home. Plan revised. Here on this blog. In writing. There you go.

Alternate plan (in case the above doesn’t work for some reason): Blue Eyes is dropped at a flea bitten motel that is not in downtown and not near any fancy restaurants or luxurious surroundings and he is left without a car. He will be required to go everywhere by public transportation, and he will be required to spend all nights and weekends at said motel until he does complete Step 9. Now that sounds more like a legit consequence to me.

florida keys sunset

Florida Keys Sunset, March 2015

30 thoughts on “Plan, revised.

    • Yeah, rotten tomatoes at the therapist sounds like a very good idea. I am picturing it right now, fun!!! I want to go to the next therapy appointment just so I can describe in detail the flea bitten motel BE will be staying in if he doesn’t complete his step on time. Really hammer in my point, you know?

      The Ritz London, Four Seasons Hawaii, Mandarin Oriental Tokyo, The Plaza NYC… I’m not picky, any of those will do. 😉

      Liked by 1 person

  1. A consequence that actually causes him some discomfort and is easier on you- now that sounds like an actual consequence. After D day I would have loved to check in to a nice hotel and order room service and be taken care of. Instead I stayed with our kids, caring for them while he went to stay with his parents who gave him his space and fed him . Good for you Kat! You show BE and his therapist what real recovery and consequences should look like!

    Liked by 1 person

    • I wrote a journal entry exactly seven months post d-day and posted it about 10 months post d-day called ‘I want to go home.’ All the pain and agony that I felt even months later was overwhelming. I knew I couldn’t go back to my parent’s home and let them take care of me. They raised me to be independent and at 50 years old, I had even convinced myself that I was too strong to go back to childhood. I didn’t even want to go there in therapy, which I had to do numerous times. How ironic that I couldn’t wait to leave my childhood behind and yet BE never left childhood. What a mess. Our kids were grown at d-day, so I did have the choice to leave without guilt, but I chose to stay, and he stayed, and it was hell. Two years in obviously we are still working at it, but it so much better. So much less painful. I can see the light, now.

      And yes, real consequences for BE. I have this distinct feeling he will finish his Step 9 on time because, hey, I have a whole month to think of even better consequences than a flea bitten motel!!! 🙂 xx

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    • Ha, TL. He claims he and the therapist were merely thinking about the punishment of him having to be away from me. Well, I am not buying that. A little break from being reminded of his slow progress and numerous, shall we say, inadequacies probably sounds like heaven to him right about now. I am being somewhat facetious, because I know he does appreciate the fact that I am still with him, but BE LOVES hotels, with or without me, I have documented confirmation of that. I think he is sufficiently incentivized by not wanting to spend time in a flea bitten motel though… 😉

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    • Yeah, I do this quite often actually. I am pretty assertive to be honest. I mean of course I am vulnerable too, but I am becoming wiser at the ways in which to deal with my husband. I am still wondering if he thought him going to a hotel of his choosing was going to fly. He claims he was just thinking of the punishment of having to be away from me… well, that I am not buying. 🙂 xx

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    • I know right??? The image cracks me up a bit too only because, HOW DARE HE. Yeah, he’s not going to a fancy hotel to luxuriate in peace and quiet while supposedly working on something he was supposed to already have done. If I had been in that therapy appointment with him, I would have BLASTED The Shrink too!!! BE and The Shrink would be holed up together in a flea bitten motel if I had my way. Okay, there… got that off my chest. 🙂 Moving right along…

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  2. YES!!!!! This is what I’ve been talking about. I feel exactly this way! Whenever Will has a consequence, I seem to be left with the short end of the stick while he basks in his so-called misery of no responsibility, no errands, no chores, etc, etc…. You are right! Exasperating! And if you go to Miami, I’m booking a flight too! ❤️

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    • I’ll keep you posted on the Miami plans… I am doing it regardless of BE and his steps and whatnot. I’ve had it on my wish list for a while. I do totally understand how this journey seems so incredibly unfair. As you heal though, Leigh, it will light a fire under his ass like you have never seen. When the words, “I will no longer feel guilt for what I have done in the past” came out of BE’s mouth after a particularly grueling trauma episode on my part I honestly felt like I never wanted to see him again. There is a huge difference between feeling “guilt” and actually doing things that help repair the damage that has been done by their deplorable behavior. As you can see, BE is still on his amends step two years later, so this is a long process. As you heal though and realize you really can do this without him, I think you will change. The trauma will dissipate. And by that time, you may just want to say good-bye for good. But for now, you don’t have to contemplate those thoughts. Just working on you and taking care of you is important. In that respect, you don’t need him. He loves you, but he is ill-equipped to show it properly right now. I hope the in-patient treatment works out for you because I think it will be the place for you to work solely on you with people around to take care of you until you can do that for yourself. I really am thinking about you all the time. Much love, ❤

      Liked by 2 people

        • We will meet. You need as many people to buoy you up as possible right now. This is all about you now. You are the farthest thing from a waste of time as exists. You are not representative of the weak person who raised you, or your broken husband. You are unique and strong and unfortunately there comes a time in some of our lives where we must rely on that strength inside us to get out the other side and into the light and the sunshine. It feels nearly impossible and the “why me” becomes so loud in our head that it threatens to overwhelm everything else, but it must be replaced with words like “I am worthy of happiness, peace, and joy in my life and I have the power to live a life of purpose.” You will get to that place. It takes time, and patience (ooh, I lack that) and perseverance and belief. Believe in you Leigh. ♥️♥️♥️

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