I found myself in a puddle of tears this morning, and so here I am. I could call a friend, but what would they really be able to do other than listen and try and talk me through the sadness. The sadness just is sometimes.
Every day I wake up and hope things will be just a little better than they were the day before. Most days they are the same as the day before. Life goes on, just not like before discovery. I can do my best to create a positive environment, and nurture optimism, but I can’t change the reality… some days just suck.
Nothing bad is happening. The mind movies stopped playing a long time ago. I eat, I sleep, I function. I don’t self harm, I don’t dissociate. Many of the stronger more destructive feelings of trauma are numb or gone now. There are lots and lots of loving and happy moments in my life.
I have started reading books, a lot of books, which is a nice distraction. Not self help books, or books about sex addiction, or marriage, or trauma or any of that. I like fiction, preferably with a mystery, or classics, and also auto biographies. I have for the most part put aside the blogs and social media to focus on my own little life. While pulling together docs for tax day, in my home office, I found my sketch pads and pencils, and uncovered my painting supplies once again. I have lots of inspiration for art. I think about creating art all the time.
It’s Spring. We have sunshine.
The thing about sunshine is… as much as I look forward to it, the warmth, the glow, the brightness, the much needed vitamin D, sunshine is a trigger. Blue Eyes grew up in sunny southern California. We met at college in another sunny southwest state. We were 20 years old. His addiction was quite young. It hadn’t grown into the monster it would eventually become. Although we had stress in our lives, which I have written about, we enjoyed ourselves, we enjoyed our new love. Blue Eyes spent more time focusing on “us” and less time focusing on “it” back then. Of course over the years “it” would take over his thoughts and actions and he would do things that would eat away at him, and eat away at our relationship. I know that sunny days often bring out the child in Blue Eyes… the entitled Blue Eyes that acts like the sun is out purely for his enjoyment and he has permission to do whatever he wants with it. When our love was young, there were many sunny, hot afternoons spent making love and pretty much nothing else.
I also know it was on a beautiful spring day that he went to her house for the first time. He doesn’t remember the day, or even the month, but he remembers the sunshine, the warmth, the sound of birds. It was a day very much like today. He never could remember the actual day he started the physical affair with her, but we went over the details a lot that first year after discovery. He, of course, has let the memories go. They’re in the past. He doesn’t want to be that person. It doesn’t negate the fact that HE WAS THAT PERSON, and it’s a bummer for me. Letting go of all the feelings, every single minute of every single day, is impossible. I distract myself. I remind myself things are different now. He knows what he is now. We both know that life wasn’t real… our life is real.
And so that brings me to his ninth step. He was supposed to complete it earlier this week at my therapist’s office. He’s been ready to complete it for a while. He actually never got to what he had prepared for me for his ninth step as Ms. Honey wanted to do a check in first. I could tell he was a little perturbed that he was not allowed to just do what he had come there to do. Ms. Honey hadn’t seen Blue Eyes in over two years. The check in led to a greater discussion of where we are both at and the gap that still exists between what Blue Eyes wants and what he is doing and what I want from him and our relationship and the discussion took a full 70 minutes. This, of course, is the natural order of things. Talking it out is good. The ninth step is a formality. What he does in real life, every single day, is what matters. He’s doing okay. Of course I want more immediate change. Of course a part of me thinks he should just get it, get it all. He doesn’t though. Discovery day was fifty years in the making. His habits were ingrained and so even though he could stop the acting out behaviors, and he did, he cannot easily stop how his brain functions. That takes time. I GET IT! I get it. I get it. I get it all, but some days I still feel like shit.