Sunshine

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A road in California somewhere

I found myself in a puddle of tears this morning, and so here I am. I could call a friend, but what would they really be able to do other than listen and try and talk me through the sadness. The sadness just is sometimes.

Every day I wake up and hope things will be just a little better than they were the day before. Most days they are the same as the day before. Life goes on, just not like before discovery. I can do my best to create a positive environment, and nurture optimism, but I can’t change the reality… some days just suck.

Nothing bad is happening. The mind movies stopped playing a long time ago. I eat, I sleep, I function. I don’t self harm, I don’t dissociate. Many of the stronger more destructive feelings of trauma are numb or gone now. There are lots and lots of loving and happy moments in my life.

I have started reading books, a lot of books, which is a nice distraction. Not self help books, or books about sex addiction, or marriage, or trauma or any of that. I like fiction, preferably with a mystery, or classics, and also auto biographies. I have for the most part put aside the blogs and social media to focus on my own little life. While pulling together docs for tax day, in my home office, I found my sketch pads and pencils, and uncovered my painting supplies once again. I have lots of inspiration for art. I think about creating art all the time.

It’s Spring. We have sunshine.

The thing about sunshine is… as much as I look forward to it, the warmth, the glow, the brightness, the much needed vitamin D, sunshine is a trigger. Blue Eyes grew up in sunny southern California. We met at college in another sunny southwest state. We were 20 years old. His addiction was quite young. It hadn’t grown into the monster it would eventually become. Although we had stress in our lives, which I have written about, we enjoyed ourselves, we enjoyed our new love. Blue Eyes spent more time focusing on “us” and less time focusing on “it” back then. Of course over the years “it” would take over his thoughts and actions and he would do things that would eat away at him, and eat away at our relationship. I know that sunny days often bring out the child in Blue Eyes… the entitled Blue Eyes that acts like the sun is out purely for his enjoyment and he has permission to do whatever he wants with it. When our love was young, there were many sunny, hot afternoons spent making love and pretty much nothing else.

I also know it was on a beautiful spring day that he went to her house for the first time. He doesn’t remember the day, or even the month, but he remembers the sunshine, the warmth, the sound of birds. It was a day very much like today. He never could remember the actual day he started the physical affair with her, but we went over the details a lot that first year after discovery. He, of course, has let the memories go. They’re in the past. He doesn’t want to be that person. It doesn’t negate the fact that HE WAS THAT PERSON, and it’s a bummer for me. Letting go of all the feelings, every single minute of every single day, is impossible. I distract myself. I remind myself things are different now. He knows what he is now. We both know that life wasn’t real… our life is real.

And so that brings me to his ninth step. He was supposed to complete it earlier this week at my therapist’s office. He’s been ready to complete it for a while. He actually never got to what he had prepared for me for his ninth step as Ms. Honey wanted to do a check in first. I could tell he was a little perturbed that he was not allowed to just do what he had come there to do. Ms. Honey hadn’t seen Blue Eyes in over two years. The check in led to a greater discussion of where we are both at and the gap that still exists between what Blue Eyes wants and what he is doing and what I want from him and our relationship and the discussion took a full 70 minutes. This, of course, is the natural order of things. Talking it out is good. The ninth step is a formality. What he does in real life, every single day, is what matters. He’s doing okay. Of course I want more immediate change. Of course a part of me thinks he should just get it, get it all. He doesn’t though. Discovery day was fifty years in the making. His habits were ingrained and so even though he could stop the acting out behaviors, and he did, he cannot easily stop how his brain functions. That takes time. I GET IT! I get it. I get it. I get it all, but some days I still feel like shit.

20 thoughts on “Sunshine

  1. So sorry those dark memories taunt at the edges of your life still. They do mine also – sometimes when I least expect it. So frustrating, sometimes, really daunting. Thank you, though, for sharing…it helps me so much to know I’m not alone in these struggles. And glad GLAD to hear it was a better day after…HUGS.

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  2. Oh Kat…my heart is aching for you. I know these kinds of days and although they are fewer for you now than they used to be, even one is just too many. You are so brave and strong to commit and to love and to keep pushing through. You can do this. Nothing worth having is easy. Much love and hugs sent your way sweet friend! XOXO

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  3. Oh gosh, I’m sorry. I feel a little stupid sending you texts of my silly dress when you were feeling this way. I had no idea.
    Yeah, some days just suck. There is no getting around it.
    It is time to create new associations. You can’t start hating sunshine LOL, not allowed dear. I am not going to let you go goth. Spend some time in the sun on your own. Get some ice cream. A big one. Eat it all by yourself. Indulge.
    You know, when Dr MW dropped me off in london, never to spend another night in my home, everything i passed reminded me of our courtship. It really was debilitating. I was horribly depressed and it was terrible. Everything made me think of him. EVERYTHING. Over time, I made some new memories. The old ones started to loose some of their power.
    Spring is a time of rebirth… think about that. You are going through a reawakening too. That is a good thing.
    Distraction is great. And by the way, I’m reading another awesome book called The Swans of Fifth Avenue which is pretty awesome. Lots of glamour and gossip, but also based on some very real events. It will transport you back to NYC, but to a more glamorous time.
    Some days will just be awful. But some days wont. Some will be awesome.
    *kisses and hugs*

    Liked by 1 person

    • Oh my gosh, never apologize for sending pics of beautiful dresses. You always brighten my day! 👗

      Thankfully I don’t hate sunshine, just a bit of a trigger on a particularly ick day. No goth for me, but I do wear a lot of black, it’s slimming you know. 😉

      Yay, another book recommend. I read Dietland and The Girl on the Train last weekend. The awful day is gone. Today was beautiful!! Thanks for the xoxo’s. Right back at you. 😘

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      • Did you like Dietland? I’d love to know what you think about it. Tell me when u read something u really liked. I challenged myself to read 20 books this year. I just finished #13, and I’m always looking for the next good one.
        I wear a lot of black too. It makes me feel confident 😉

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        • I did like Dietland… I have a lot of thoughts about it… also about The Girl on the Train. It was an interesting pair of books to read back to back. We will have to have a longer conversation about it off WP. I have this wicked habit of reading Amazon reviews usually before I read a book, or during, or sometimes even after. It is a bit like Yelp reviews, they have to be taken with a grain of salt, but sometimes I find the reviews as interesting as the book. For example, I never read Fifty Shades of Grey, but the funniest review I have ever read was for that book on Amazon. Anyway, yay for reading books. I’ll let you know if I come across one worth reading. BE and I are reading together a book about the Whitehouse Staff over the years (a birthday present last year). Not page turning by any means, but very very interesting about the back workings of that “house” and also of the different first families… it is called The Residence. ❤

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  4. I saw your title -and thought, wow! I’m on the Sunshine ship right now-but reading this- it’s not what I imagined… I’m so sorry. Surely the sunshine at the new beach house will be a sense of renewal. You deserve the sun and all of the benefits it brings. Thinking of you …A

    Liked by 1 person

    • Ooh, the sunshine ship? That sounds fun! We actually visited the beach property today and it was lovely. Clear blue skies, roof is on. It won’t be long now. 😊 Thank you for your sweet words. As things usually go, I am doing much better today. I hope you are having a blast! 🍾

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