“I never wanted you to find out the truth…”

/ CrazyKat1963

As I continued struggling with feeling unsettled after Blue Eyes’ ninth step, I decided I wanted him to do one more thing for me before he moved forward. As part of his amends step, and his reparation to me, I want him to write a letter to the other woman. The last other woman, the intermittent eight year acting out partner. This communication is something I want for me. I wish he could send it to her, but I am a sensible, rational person and I know it is not wise for him to send it. There have been no communications from her or sightings of her since she showed up on the plane with us in December, 2014 and we very much want it to stay that way. The letter in no way would be an amends to her anyway. As I have discussed, that woman was a willing partner in the deceit, she knew he was married, he never told her he was going to leave me for her, and she blackmailed him and stalked me. What Blue Eyes did over the course of his relationship with her, however, was lie about me. He told her lies about me so that she would believe he was in an unhappy, unsatisfying relationship and he needed her to fill a void. The filling the void part is true, but the void was not created by me, nor was it about me at all. The void was in him, from way before he met me.

I have asked Blue Eyes to write a letter to the other woman telling her exactly how he actually does feel about me. I want him to face the lies and attempt, with his words, to right the wrongs. He cannot take any of it back, of course, not the lying or deceit, not the gaslighting, not the neglect of me while he was communicating with or traveling with or having sex with the other woman. But what he can do is communicate to me his feelings and in doing this in a letter to the other woman, he will be addressing the lies he told about me while at the same time confirming for me how he really feels. I want him to be honest. I want him to dig deep not only to acknowledge the lies he told, but to address who and what I really am… not just his wife, or the mother of his children, or any other label, but me, Kat the human being, a woman with needs and wants and who has a deep emotional connection with him like no one else ever will.

At one point while I was still struggling late last week, Blue Eyes grabbed me into a tight embrace, as if his life depended on it, and wouldn’t let me go. I weakly tried pulling away, but he held me and whispered into my ear, broken words filled with deep emotion, “I never wanted you to find out the truth about me. I never wanted you to have to know my secrets. I never wanted to hurt you, and I didn’t want you to feel this pain.”

Of course my knee jerk Kat reaction, in my head, was… even if I didn’t know, you were still hurting me. That is how I was taught and that is how I believe and I have behaved accordingly. But I kept my thoughts to myself and I breathed in the moment of deep remorse and pain that was emanating from my husband. I know he didn’t want to hurt me. I know he didn’t enter into a relationship with me with the intent to do me any harm. I know he didn’t want to be hurting his children and robbing them of his time and energy and I know he didn’t set out to betray them too. I know he rationalized for years that I would never find out about his secret life and therefore we, me and the kids, would never have to feel this pain. He felt he could contain the pain within himself if he just had his drug to cope. And then, over time, he realized he couldn’t do it anymore. His whole dirty, nasty, rotten, selfish secret life snowballed into something he could no longer contain. And the rest, they say, is history.

I want him to heal, and I want to heal, and I will need to leave my own brokenness and resentment behind in order to do just that. It takes time. Things have been so much better after that embrace last week and those simple heartfelt words. I have felt better, more whole, less broken, less sad. We traveled earlier this week with no triggers, lots of great communication and love shared between us.

And everything was going along so well… we experienced a really cool storm here in the Pacific Northwest yesterday, bringing with it some much needed rain. I am now embracing the warmth and sunshine that has revisited us. All was starting to feel really right, and then while I was writing this post, Prince died. I am now in mourning.

I am trying to remain positive. The world has lost a ridiculously talented musician way too young, but we were lucky to have been able to experience his gifts for nearly four decades. RIP Prince Rogers Nelson.

47 thoughts on ““I never wanted you to find out the truth…””

  1. I have only just read one post, having only just found you. However, your story is so familiar, you D-Day is just a week before my own. One of the greatest betrayals I experience is the lies he told the other women to justify his cheating. I’m continuously amazed at the astounding number of us that there are. Love and hugs to you on your journey.

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    • Yes, there are a lot of us, and more coming on each week. I hope that is indicative of the fact that more people are seeking help versus more people being sex addicts, but i fear it is a combination of both. Regardless, this has been a great community for me. The lies, the lies, so heartbreaking that it seemed so easy for him to trash me to get a little mediocre sex from a horrid woman who had to blame me to justify her own behavior. I look forward to reading your story. xx

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      • Some of us (me) have found you by looking for resources to help our friends (in the same circumstances). What I’ve learned is so helpful to me as a wife in a 20 year marriage. I’ve also been able to help advise and support my friend with the logistics of going through recovery- something I wouldn’t know first hand. Any of us could be surprised – at any time and find ourselves facing trauma. . Life is no guarantee. But what I know for sure, if you respect the spouse that you married and you allow that to guide your decisions, you can’t go wrong.

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        • I do agree that respect is key to relationships in general, and marital ones especially. I am so glad you found me, A, because you have been helpful to me as well. I know some partners must move forward from the broken relationship for whatever reason, and I do believe in this process we must respect ourselves and our needs while at the same time embracing the human spirit and realizing we are all human. I really do adore my husband and of course wish from the bottom of my heart that he had never been harmed and then had never harmed me. However, you are so right, life does not offer guarantees. Our job is to handle with grace and dignity what comes our way. ❤

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  2. Kat, I don’t really have anything to add what everyone above has said, except I continue to be in awe of the strength and constraint you’ve shown to BE. I hope you get the letter you’ve asked for, and that it helps bring peace to you.
    ☀️

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  4. Oh, Kat…I just don’t know what I think about this. I understand your wanting him to write her a letter. I also understand the idea of actually sending it to her…but what will it really accomplish? It may anger her but does it matter?
    Elizabeth says “she lost.” But, did she really? Do they ever really feel like they’ve lost? They were the ones who got our miserable pig-shit cheaters to cheat…so in a way….they won.
    Our men are forever tarnished….whether or not we chose to stay with them. The tramps won…temporarily or permanently….they won.

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    • I understand what you are saying, but I think of it in a different way. We have unique situations, of course. My husband is with me and it is important that he keep giving me what I think I need. He is in recovery and his amends step is very important to him. He has a few people to make amends to, but none quite as substantial as the reparations he must make to me.

      The other woman did not pursue him necessarily. He put in the Craig’s List Ad, she answered it. He kept going back to her. I am not making excuses for her at all, she knew he was married and she continued using him to fill her own voids, just as he did with her. She needed to hear bad things about me in order to continue the charade that she was helping him in his unhappy life. She scared the shit out of me when she was stalking me because I had no idea what she was capable of. I knew she would never hurt my husband, remember, he was the “poor victim” in her mind. However, I had no idea what she was willing to do to me. She did ask him “if anything happened to Kat, could we be together?” I’m convinced she has a personality disorder (as does my sister and my sister is capable of some pretty scary stuff). The OW has not contacted either me or my husband for many months and that is a good thing. I would never have my husband send the letter to her. She would think he was reaching out to her. I’m sure she wouldn’t even see the words that were actually on the page, but in fact would see whatever she wants to see. Two broken people. I do not care about her… I care about what my husband said about me, it just happened to be to her. He didn’t need to make up anything for the two others because they didn’t require it. They also weren’t trying to justify the time my husband spent with them. The first two were very short term sexual situations where he was dipping his feet in the water, if you will. He was a methodical sex addict going deeper and deeper down that addiction hole escalating his behavior along the way until it all blew up.

      This woman does not have my husband in her life anymore. No more texting, sexting, phone calls, visits to her house, or trips. She never should have had any of that and she no longer does. So she did lose something that she treasured and that she spent a lot of sexual energy procuring and a lot of mental energy rationalizing. In the case of her and my husband, I don’t actually consider having sex with a sex addict “winning.” It was all sick.

      As part of his amends, however, I do want him to write this letter. Many letters that addicts write for their amends steps never are sent. It is a process of taking responsibility for past behavior. He only lied about me to this one woman, so that is why the context of writing it to her. I want him to put it all out there, admit it all, then say how he really feels about me. He has done this a little bit over the past two years, in bits and pieces, verbally, but as part of this step, I want it all in one place and I want it all encompassing. So yeah, she won’t be involved at all. Just me and him, still working things out…

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      • Kat…that question she asked about “if something happens to Kat, will we be together” gave me chills.
        I do have to now and then, remember that sex addiction is different than just being an adulterer. It took me years and years to finally understand that alcoholism was a disease. My response was always “nobody puts that glass of booze in their hand.” I’ve come a long way with that, especially since the only alcoholic I have left in my life is my son.
        I probably shouldn’t speak about sex addiction because I didn’t experience it with Loser (I don’t think.)
        What you are doing is admirable. I just can’t tell you how much I admire you. I hope some day, your husband truly understands the gem he has. And, I don’t know if you forgive “her” or not…but I don’t. I hate her….maybe you can let me hate her for you. LOL

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        • You should always feel welcome here to speak your mind and speak about your own experiences. I totally understand. I do get the differences between the different kinds of cheaters and realize everyone is unique, and at this point I know and understand my husband pretty well. I also know what I need in our process. If he wasn’t here with me working on himself, I would be living a whole different story.

          I guess regarding the other woman, I don’t think about her enough to really contemplate whether I forgive her or not. I don’t intend to have any kind of relationship with her ever, so I don’t think forgiving her is necessary for me moving forward and healing. It is totally irritating though that she, in her sick mind, was able to blame me for her bad behavior and then stalk me and try to punish me. That I find incredibly hard to understand, so I just have to chalk it up to mental illness. I know she is a broken down woman, alcoholic herself, smoker, hoarder… lots of childhood wounds based on what she told my husband, but I don’t really care about her at all. I was just glad she stopped having me followed, stopped calling and has not shown up anywhere near us (that we know of). At first in his recovery, my husband was emotionally and physically afraid of running into her (addiction is a beast). Now I know if she showed up, he would just say, “back off, bitch, I have nothing to say to you.” That is what he needs to do. Anything else and she will just interpret it as her having power over him, or him still wanting or needing her. That is all over.

          So, yeah, please do hate her for me. Are you into voodoo dolls? I wish those things worked. 😉

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  5. When I read blogs by betrayed spouses I “hear” people asking, demanding, yelling about lies. To love and honor someone you don’t lie to, or about, them. Yet, all of you were lied to, and often times about. I have no idea if this phrase is still used in the African-American community….”dissed”…..but I understand it. To feel disrespected, dishonored, dismissed is to feel diminished. Trying to let go of those feelings must be the hardest thing you will ever do. The letter makes him put into words exactly how he belittled you by lying. His affairs are the worst of them but I assume he had more. He has to type out every. single. thing. he told her. Sometimes a smack on the face is just a smack on the face and sometimes it is a wakeup call. “This is what you did, over, and over, and over.” Empathy is a small fragile thing. It must be nurtured. The day BE gets “it” without outside reminders is the day he grows up. His hug sure sounds like he is doing it. Way to go BE.

    People use technology for horrible reasons but for all of you a worldwide community has formed just through blogs. Thank goodness you found each other.

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    • He is making progress. If he only truly understood how comforting and healing just a few simple heartfelt words can be. How letting go of some of that pain of his in order to fulfill my needs won’t cause him more pain, that he can stop hiding now, the secrets have been revealed and nobody abandoned him, he is worthy of love and respect… but it takes them so long to change the ingrained habits created by so many years and so many childhood wounds. Time and consistency in his recovery is helping.

      I have this strange fascination with the show Criminal Minds. Although I don’t enjoy the serial killing and violence, I do enjoy the main characters, and much of the writing. They also incorporate a number of wonderful famous and some not so famous quotes at the beginning and end of the show. When I watched this week’s episode, the criminal at one point said something to the effect of, “we as humans are not seeking love, we are seeking respect.” It just rang so true to me. Being disrespected by lies and betrayal is a horrible mental mind game and very difficult to heal from. No matter how strong we are inside, when the person we trust, the person we have devoted our adult life to lies to us and about us, it is quite traumatizing. It is unfair to expect us to heal quickly and easily (just like it is unfair to expect the addict to heal quickly and easily). We must go through the entire confusing process of grieving for what we have lost, and learning how to live in our new reality.

      Any yes, this cyber blogging world can be very comforting and healing.

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  6. Paula- I think that’s the only way they can deal with themselves. They know they are lacking- it is their TRUTH. They are the ones choosing to behave in the most selfish ways, while minimizing and justifying to themselves the depth of their betrayal.

    How else can they justify the fact that they are so effed, unless they decide the ones they’re screwing over are lacking!!! Their actions hurts us and shocks us to our core because it’s the actions of a person who is morally void and corrupt. Of course we all hurt people we love. Not one of us are saints but to repeatedly lie, betray and justify those actions towards someone who trusts you is disturbing , cowardly and so fucking selfish! To decide you want another woman’s husband for yourself without caring about her loss or her children’s loss is cold, calculated and disgusting!

    I know it’s hard but I ask myself, does what these two people think I’m lacking, matter to me? It does not! And whatever they thought I lacked, I know it’s a lie. I know at my absolute worst i am a better woman than the OW can ever hope to be! As far as my husband- he knows I’m a good woman so he needed to nitpick and focus on where he believed I was letting him down. If he ever just talked to me like a man instead of acting like a child – we could have worked through those issues!

    You’re a good woman- and people fucked up to their very core will never be able to see anything good in its natural state. Until it’s tainted and distorted nothing becomes “good” for them! You should take it as a high compliment that they thought you were lacking!

    Kat – your grace and ability to see your husband’s hurt as greater than yours is one of the things I admire most about you! You are such an exceptional woman in your ability to truly love. I read this post and I see love- laying aside your pain and hurt to help heal your husband’s- that is love! Thank you for once again inspiring me with your words!

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    • Thank you, Kaye. You are so kind to say such sweet words about me. I try, I really really do try to understand the source of others’ pain. I chose to stay and I believe I have a responsibility to myself and my husband to be kind and loving as often as I possibly can. I do have needs too though and he is desperately trying to meet and exceed them. I know time and patience and understanding is the key. ❤

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  7. Your story is so similar to mine. The hardest thing for me to come to terms with is the fact he lied about me. He made me look like a monster when in fact I couldn’t be less of one if I tried. How can they say they love us and tell the OW the same? I wish my husband would write a letter but I know there is no point in even suggesting it. Not having closure is so difficult. He is too frightened to face her. I am married to a coward. I hope you get your letter Kat your journey has been so long and hard and you deserve at least that. Thinking of you x

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    • I know, I thought of that myself when proofing this post… how similar our cowardly men are. Your husband shouldn’t face that awful woman anymore anyway. She is toxic. No communication is the only way to go. These type of women will never believe the truth anyway. The only thing that has helped my husband is serious counseling and of course his diagnosis and treatment for sex addiction. Even if a man doesn’t associate with being a sex addict, your husband is still medicating wounds and filling voids with really really destructive and out of control behavior. I hope he is able to get help. And you, my dear, deserve so much more. Thank you for taking the time to comment. I know you have so much going on right now. Hugs of love to you. xx

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    • I believe you can love more than one at a time. But it almost always ends badly. And very few of these guys really loved someone else. They ‘loved’ the feelings they briefly got. That is the addiction speaking. In my case he never used the ‘L’ word. Buy there were definitely high feelings in the anticipation and no doubt the sex. I think what Kat means, and what I also craved was to put the wrong somehow right. To let these maggots know. But they are disordered types and have no capacity for understanding or empathising. The OW thought I needed to just get over it. OK. Good idea. Especially after her destructive behaviour after he ended it. I longed for her to understand for a long time. Even long after I realised she was incapable. Or worth one bit of my mental real estate. To be thought of as somehow lacking by anyone is hard to let go of.

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      • Your reply has really helped me. I had never thought about him loving the feelings. You have given me a crumb of comfort at this awful time. I, like Kat, need husband to face up to the lies. He is never going to face up to the dreadful creature he got involved with but I am sick of being the one he chooses to hurt. I don’t think adultery is something we will ever really get over.

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        • You never ‘get over it’ – as Kat said. Learning to live with it has been the hardest thing I have faced yet in my life. That is the entire basis of ACT – Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. Roger isn’t an addict, but there were elements of his mental and emotional meltdown that have parallels with addiction. He admitted, very early on – long before I met any other betrayed spouses or victims of SA – that he felt addicted to the high of anticipation of being with her, talking/texting with her. And that he ALWAYS felt terribly low after the sexual encounters with her. So low he considered driving under a truck several times on his long drives home from her house while I was at work. The soaring highs followed by disappointment at both the lack of intensity of the actual sex and her – and especially in himself, followed by crashing lows. And then rinse, repeat. I felt sick visualising this previously lovely, bright, loving, kind, clever, strong man, the man I thought was ‘the love of my life,’ struggling with his growing feelings of anticipation, like a little kid and Christmas, and then being somehow ‘ unable’ – and I use the term loosely – to stop the roller coaster. Him driving to meet her, I won’t describe how I visualise THAT – the way his body is – and then the letdown. Not her. But him. And returning home in time to greet me with a big kiss a day hug at the end of every day. Just disgusts me, but I actually have always had a huge amount of empathy for that fucked up version of him. The confused and sad guy. The one who was acting in a manner that was not in line with his true self, and he knew it. So over life that he just didn’t care about consequences anymore. So fucking sad. But he has learned to live with his choices. He hates that he was that guy for about two years of his 52. But he has accepted this. I have to. But not to the point where I can live with what he is capable of. The ache is still hard to bear.

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          • I always fight with myself for “liking” a comment or post that makes me feel sad, so I will just comment back and say, Paula, thank you for sticking with this community and sharing your story. It is real and you hold so many nuggets of clarity and guidance for those of us in the earlier stages. Our stories are all unique, of course, but there are overlapping feelings and it is important to hear the stories and the emotions and the results. It is important for all of us to face our own truths. xx ❤

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          • You could be describing my husband. I don’t recognise him as the man I married. I don’t know if that man even exists now. He keeps telling me that he wants me not her, that he loves me and doesn’t love her. All I can think about is that after 18 months of no contact, she clicked her fingers and he went running. He told me when I caught them together that he loves her now he expects me to believe that 4 weeks later he doesn’t. They were back together for 11 weeks before I found out. Like you I think of the journey he took to see her and I wonder why I never entered his mind. Where was the guilt? I don’t think I can ever trust him again and without trust how can any relationship survive? I never thought he was capable of inflicting this level of pain on anyone let alone his wife of 28 years. That he inflicted it twice is difficult to bare.

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  8. I like this idea. It seems like the letter should include the word “I” in it, quite a bit. I screwed up. I didn’t face reality. I knew something was wrong. I didn’t seek help. I put me before you/you all. I love you enough to seek the truth. Your love story is special. Your strength and love for him is a great example to any couple. Xoxo

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      • For some strange reason, I had a thought regarding EMDR therapy. I’ve read where this technique was used to address PTSD in many of the spouses. I wondered, has it been used or could it be used to address the deep seated trauma that the addicts have buried from early in life? It’s just a thought- not in place of the 12 step but an adjunct. It seems it wouldn’t hurt and it seems very helpful for the spouses. Would it (EMDR) release anything deeper that is blocking that ability to dig deep? Not sure but thought I would ask.

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        • Yes, A, EMDR therapy has been suggested for Blue Eyes. I guess the hope would be that it would help to go back to those painful moments in his childhood, devalue them, release some of the feelings of shame and worthlessness that seem to hold him back from being truly open with his feelings. In my opinion, a lot of the holding back is habit. They learned to hide so long ago and they have honed the skill, believing it is the only way to protect themselves from pain. Unfortunately, it is delusional thinking as their addict behaviors cause them more shame and pain and it is a vicious cycle. I also think for BE, there are some feelings of entitlement there. He is working on these as well because the feelings of entitlement seem to ignite the theoretically need for power and control. A misconceived thought that he needs secrets in order to maintain control of his life.

          I think regarding what I have asked him to do with the letter, nothing is really holding him back from sharing those thoughts other than it is incredibly uncomfortable to admit the depths he would go in order to keep his drug available to him. And absolutely, “I” needs to be all over that thing. It will cause him shame and pain and humiliation, but I think it is necessary for him to get out all those poisonous things he did and said. Regardless of what the letter says, I am not going to leave him… there will be no exterior consequences, only healing. Nothing in his sex addict history is as destructive or damaging to me or him as the relationship he had with this woman. I want the truth about me out on paper, for him, and for me. I think it will help us both. xx

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          • I do hope that he is able to complete this task. It’s a great idea, given the fact that there wasn’t a closure letter initially and no need for one (to be delivered) now. And yes, there is no right or wrong response, nor consequences for the details of the letter. He knows this- you’ve been by his side with consistency- that is really where the letter should begin!
            I think in my mind…. I’m trying to strategize the reflection that this will require of him. He will need to reflect and like you say- break habits and release the need to control. He needs to drop the entitlement and know he isn’t worthy- of anything. Not one of us is.
            I am learning more about the twelve steps as you describe each one, and I do think the the fraternal aspect of the gatherings is necessary-it just seems so isolating from the spouse- which is an underlying problem. This idea binds his recovery path with you- and I don’t think it’s too much for you to ask of him. Thanks for your reply to my thought. Xoxo

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            • I agree about the 12 steps being isolating to the spouse. They very much can be and I felt that way at the beginning, while he was finding his footing and still looking for excuses for having to share his shame with me or anyone else. As most know, the 12 step process was designed for alcoholics and it was very much about healing themselves with very little concern for those affected because conquering addiction is overwhelming by itself. Even the amends process was developed mostly for the addict from what I have read, thus the writing of some letters but not sending. With sex addiction, so much harm has been done to the spouse and it is difficult to stay married without effort being put towards the partnership as well. It is a complicated process for the SA to heal and recovery, the spouse to heal and recover, and all at the same time, attempt to repair what has been broken in the marriage. It has certainly been a lot of trial and error for us.

              We are both incredibly thankful that he found a great group of guys. Amongst those guys, he also found a wonderful sponsor who is in his 60’s, 10 years sober, and who has remained with and married to his wife of more than three decades. There are other men in the group who also have successful marriages through all this torment. It is important that there is openness, honesty and communication and giving the wife what she needs in her healing and these men understand that. They have been great at having my back. Last week I actually asked Blue Eyes to write a post about the impact his 12 step group has had on his healing. He doesn’t have any assignments from his therapist right now, but he is technically still working on his ninth step with others. I hope he is able to write the blog post at some point because I think it is a really important piece of our healing… there are a lot of different types of groups and a lot of misinformation out there about what goes on in the 12 step process. At least a lot of accounts and assumptions differ drastically from what we have experienced over the past two years. Anyway, thanks for following along and being so thoughtful. xx

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  9. You want him to send it?
    I totally see your desire to have confirmed that he loves you and that all with the OW was a lie…
    What do you think sending of the letter will do? The OW will just rip it apart, I assume. Your husband already has confirmed his love to you….so, the letter is for you as you want the OW to know that she lost….
    I understand if you want to go ahead with it…but SHE LOST!!! big time. She has nothing. She fucked a married man…nothing to be proud of….
    She actually wins a bit if she knows that you suffer and that time and energy is spent on her…she does not deserve that…she is nothing….

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    • I know my husband loves me, and I know he always has. Everything with the other woman wasn’t a lie though. It was his secret addicted life. She did fill a sick empty void. This letter would not be a confirmation of the fact that my husband loves me, loved me all along. Even the other woman knew my husband loved me. He told her so. He also told her that he loved her. This is less about love and more about respect, I think. He disrespected me by lying about me. The other woman knows she lost, pretty sure she knew all along that there was nothing to win. She knew my husband was never going to leave me. I suffer because of the lies and deceit from my husband. I no longer suffer from the fear she caused me by stalking me. I do not want him to send the letter, that would only re-instigate communication with a sick and potentially dangerous woman. In a perfect world, I would feel vindicated if she actually knew and believed the TRUTH, but that won’t happen, so no point sending it. The letter is for my husband. This is his amends step and instead of what he gave me (a general accounting of a lot of things he did during the first 30 years of our relationship while he was an active and undiagnosed sex addict, with the disclaimer that it was all on him), I would like him to go over the lies he told about me and then state the truth about me and how he feels about me. I would like it done, ostensibly, in a letter to the other woman because that is how I would like it framed in his mind. I know he still feels shame (which he keeps inside) when he thinks about the things he said about me to the other woman. I want him to write it out, revisit the truth about how he feels about me, and then let the shame go. It may or may not happen, but that is what I am asking for. I agree with you… she is nothing… to me.

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  10. I hope the letter helps. I can’t ask that. He says he never told her lies about me, that he told her he loved me and that we had something very special. Obviously she heard this (sarcasm) as he kept texting, fucking and giving her “the best orgasms she’s ever had.” Yep. He loves me alright. That much.

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    • I know part of my wanting this is because there has been no closure with the other woman. She actually didn’t know me at all and only knew me through the lies Blue Eyes told (well, and whatever she read on my old blog). It still drives me crazy sometimes. Like so many of the things I ask of him, I feel this is more a task for BE, to show me he can and is willing to go there, than it is for me… but maybe it will help me too. I have discussed with myself, at length 😉 how much I mean to him and how great I am. I want to hear it from him in what I hope is a lengthy letter. I get bits and pieces from him and I know it is painful to go back and visit that place of lies and deceit and acknowledge what he said to get what he wanted. I am still thinking it is necessary to both our healing for him to do this. I want BE to go to that evil place and release me from the lies and the burden, in writing. I know, I ask for a lot. As far as love, yeah, it seems we have very different definitions of love over here too.

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