As I continued struggling with feeling unsettled after Blue Eyes’ ninth step, I decided I wanted him to do one more thing for me before he moved forward. As part of his amends step, and his reparation to me, I want him to write a letter to the other woman. The last other woman, the intermittent eight year acting out partner. This communication is something I want for me. I wish he could send it to her, but I am a sensible, rational person and I know it is not wise for him to send it. There have been no communications from her or sightings of her since she showed up on the plane with us in December, 2014 and we very much want it to stay that way. The letter in no way would be an amends to her anyway. As I have discussed, that woman was a willing partner in the deceit, she knew he was married, he never told her he was going to leave me for her, and she blackmailed him and stalked me. What Blue Eyes did over the course of his relationship with her, however, was lie about me. He told her lies about me so that she would believe he was in an unhappy, unsatisfying relationship and he needed her to fill a void. The filling the void part is true, but the void was not created by me, nor was it about me at all. The void was in him, from way before he met me.
I have asked Blue Eyes to write a letter to the other woman telling her exactly how he actually does feel about me. I want him to face the lies and attempt, with his words, to right the wrongs. He cannot take any of it back, of course, not the lying or deceit, not the gas lighting, not the neglect of me while he was communicating with or traveling with or having sex with the other woman. But what he can do is communicate to me his feelings and in doing this in a letter to the other woman, he will be addressing the lies he told about me while at the same time confirming for me how he really feels. I want him to be honest. I want him to dig deep not only to acknowledge the lies he told, but to address who and what I really am… not just his wife, or the mother of his children, or any other label, but me, Kat the human being, a woman with needs and wants and who has a deep emotional connection with him like no one else ever will.
At one point while I was still struggling late last week, Blue Eyes grabbed me into a tight embrace, as if his life depended on it, and wouldn’t let me go. I weakly tried pulling away, but he held me and whispered into my ear, broken words filled with deep emotion, “I never wanted you to find out the truth about me. I never wanted you to have to know my secrets. I never wanted to hurt you, and I didn’t want you to feel this pain.”
Of course my knee jerk Kat reaction, in my head, was… even if I didn’t know, you were still hurting me. That is how I was taught and that is how I believe and I have behaved accordingly. But I kept my thoughts to myself and I breathed in the moment of deep remorse and pain that was emanating from my husband. I know he didn’t want to hurt me. I know he didn’t enter into a relationship with me with the intent to do me any harm. I know he didn’t want to be hurting his children and robbing them of his time and energy and I know he didn’t set out to betray them too. I know he rationalized for years that I would never find out about his secret life and therefore we, me and the kids, would never have to feel this pain. He felt he could contain the pain within himself if he just had his drug to cope. And then, over time, he realized he couldn’t do it anymore. His whole dirty, nasty, rotten, selfish secret life snowballed into something he could no longer contain. And the rest, they say, is history.
I want him to heal, and I want to heal, and I will need to leave my own brokenness and resentment behind in order to do just that. It takes time. Things have been so much better after that embrace last week and those simple heartfelt words. I have felt better, more whole, less broken, less sad. We traveled earlier this week with no triggers, lots of great communication and love shared between us.
And everything was going along so well… we experienced a really cool storm here in the Pacific Northwest yesterday, bringing with it some much needed rain. I am now embracing the warmth and sunshine that has revisited us. All was starting to feel really right, and then while I was writing this post, Prince died. I am now in mourning.
I am trying to remain positive. The world has lost a ridiculously talented musician way too young, but we were lucky to have been able to experience his gifts for nearly four decades. RIP Prince Rogers Nelson.