These are the words that send me to that place. That place where my insides feel like a big festering ulcer, where my head starts to ache and I feel an uneasy clamminess, like I need to purge.
“It will never happen again.”
I was having a great day yesterday. I planned a romantic little lunch time rendezvous, if you will, for me and Blue Eyes. I was very productive in the afternoon, booking a bunch of work travel for us. For a while scheduling travel was a no-go, too traumatizing. As soon as I started looking at air options or hotels, I would find myself back in the past, scouring old calendar dates they were together, or obsessively reading back through old emails from me that Blue Eyes never responded to. Booking travel doesn’t bother me at all anymore. We travel together now. Even if we didn’t, travel together, I have thankfully crossed that hurdle.
One particular upcoming trip is very exciting… Paris and London over my birthday week next month. After Blue Eyes had been so sick last month, we had decided to postpone Europe and combine it with a speaking engagement in Turkey in September, but well, Turkey. Turkey is probably not going to happen this year. So, the birthday trip is back on. Paris for four days, London for five. Very exciting! Blue Eyes will have a few business meetings, but no other salespeople will be along on this trip. I am in control of the schedule this time. Happy Birthday to me!
Anyway, my good mood carried over into early evening as Blue Eyes and I scoured hotel options for Paris and London. We had a late dinner and I was watching some old episodes of The Americans that I have recorded. Blue Eyes finds this show “too intense.” I offered to switch to something else, which I did. He seemed upset, but was unwilling to share his thoughts. Most often when Blue Eyes looks or acts perturbed, he is upset with himself for not completing some task or another during the day. He is the ultimate procrastinator. He considers television to be frivolous most of the time, and triggering for him other times. Okay. So, Blue Eyes, you go do what you need to do. I will watch my show. Everyone is happy, right? Nope. I get the sourpuss Blue Eyes who stays, but is not happy about it. He refuses to share what is on his mind and I am tired of dragging things out of him. He fights with wanting to be with me while still doing what he wants to do. What he really wants, is for me to go with him to his home office while he does whatever work he needs to do and I can just sit there, read or drink a cup of tea, or whatever. Not going to happen. This reminds me of what the other woman did on all their trips together. He worked most of the time when they weren’t having sex. She just sat there and waited until it was time to have sex, or she went off to drink at a bar, until it was time to have sex. I am sure her being so malleable to Blue Eyes’ needs was quite intoxicating to him. I don’t want any part of it.
When it was time to turn in for the night, my good mood crumbled. I could feel the negative thoughts starting to take hold. Anger and resentment reared their ugly heads. I did what I do sometimes, because I am still broken, and I asked him how in the hell he could do the things he did. How he could leave me at the curb at the airport, kiss me good-bye, then meet her at the gate. How he could be hospitalized at the end of January, within hours of major surgery, and refuse to cancel a trip to Asia, yell at me that he HAD to go… on this trip, to Asia, for 10 days, over Valentine’s Day. My questions are all rhetorical, of course. There is no good answer. What’s done is done. I said something last night like, they deserved each other. Something I am quite fond of saying, “your punishment is that you should be forced to live with that awful woman.” I have said it many times before. Last night, he chuckled, said she was a huge mistake and that he would “never do it again.” And right then, at that moment, deja vu to 11 years ago. Almost exactly 11 years ago. I had found the email from her on his laptop. He told me he had put in the Craig’s list ad as a diversion. He was hating on life, and just made a mistake. He had no idea what would come of it. He hadn’t intended to do anything. He had met her for coffee. There was nothing between them. He gave me her full name. I googled her. She was older, unattractive and incredibly mean looking. He had chuckled then too, he had said of course there had been nothing between them, and that “he would never do it again.” HE LIED. He lied right to my face using the same exact words he used last night.
I hate this feeling. I really really do.