These are the words that send me to that place. That place where my insides feel like a big festering ulcer, where my head starts to ache and I feel an uneasy clamminess, like I need to purge.
“It will never happen again.”
I was having a great day yesterday. I planned a romantic little lunch time rendezvous, if you will, for me and Blue Eyes. I was very productive in the afternoon, booking a bunch of work travel for us. For a while scheduling travel was a no-go, too traumatizing. As soon as I started looking at air options or hotels, I would find myself back in the past, scouring old calendar dates they were together, or obsessively reading back through old emails from me that Blue Eyes never responded to. Booking travel doesn’t bother me at all anymore. We travel together now. Even if we didn’t, travel together, I have thankfully crossed that hurdle.
One particular upcoming trip is very exciting… Paris and London over my birthday week next month. After Blue Eyes had been so sick last month, we had decided to postpone Europe and combine it with a speaking engagement in Turkey in September, but well, Turkey. Turkey is probably not going to happen this year. So, the birthday trip is back on. Paris for four days, London for five. Very exciting! Blue Eyes will have a few business meetings, but no other salespeople will be along on this trip. I am in control of the schedule this time. Happy Birthday to me!
Anyway, my good mood carried over into early evening as Blue Eyes and I scoured hotel options for Paris and London. We had a late dinner and I was watching some old episodes of The Americans that I have recorded. Blue Eyes finds this show “too intense.” I offered to switch to something else, which I did. He seemed upset, but was unwilling to share his thoughts. Most often when Blue Eyes looks or acts perturbed, he is upset with himself for not completing some task or another during the day. He is the ultimate procrastinator. He considers television to be frivolous most of the time, and triggering for him other times. Okay. So, Blue Eyes, you go do what you need to do. I will watch my show. Everyone is happy, right? Nope. I get the sourpuss Blue Eyes who stays, but is not happy about it. He refuses to share what is on his mind and I am tired of dragging things out of him. He fights with wanting to be with me while still doing what he wants to do. What he really wants, is for me to go with him to his home office while he does whatever work he needs to do and I can just sit there, read or drink a cup of tea, or whatever. Not going to happen. This reminds me of what the other woman did on all their trips together. He worked most of the time when they weren’t having sex. She just sat there and waited until it was time to have sex, or she went off to drink at a bar, until it was time to have sex. I am sure her being so malleable to Blue Eyes’ needs was quite intoxicating to him. I don’t want any part of it.
When it was time to turn in for the night, my good mood crumbled. I could feel the negative thoughts starting to take hold. Anger and resentment reared their ugly heads. I did what I do sometimes, because I am still broken, and I asked him how in the hell he could do the things he did. How he could leave me at the curb at the airport, kiss me good-bye, then meet her at the gate. How he could be hospitalized at the end of January, within hours of major surgery, and refuse to cancel a trip to Asia, yell at me that he HAD to go… on this trip, to Asia, for 10 days, over Valentine’s Day. My questions are all rhetorical, of course. There is no good answer. What’s done is done. I said something last night like, they deserved each other. Something I am quite fond of saying, “your punishment is that you should be forced to live with that awful woman.” I have said it many times before. Last night, he chuckled, said she was a huge mistake and that he would “never do it again.” And right then, at that moment, deja vu to 11 years ago. Almost exactly 11 years ago. I had found the email from her on his laptop. He told me he had put in the Craig’s list ad as a diversion. He was hating on life, and just made a mistake. He had no idea what would come of it. He hadn’t intended to do anything. He had met her for coffee. There was nothing between them. He gave me her full name. I googled her. She was older, unattractive and incredibly mean looking. He had chuckled then too, he had said of course there had been nothing between them, and that “he would never do it again.” HE LIED. He lied right to my face using the same exact words he used last night.
I hate this feeling. I really really do.
try not to cry on my rainbow 
It will never happen again, I never want to hurt you ever again…..
After lengthy debates and conversations 2 years ago about the porn factor in Game of Thrones, my husband agreed it was in the no watch list ( like most other R rated ridiculous movies he would watch… Now I know why)!
Today, during a random ‘CIA’ check of his phone history, I see he has been into the ITunes shows he’s bought and is trying to download E1S1 of , you got it, Game of Thrones! Maybe he’s cured of his second addiction- been in Recovery for a year, or more likely he just doesn’t remember our discussion around my boundaries which include Not wanting to be near him if he’s watching anything that specializes women….. Game of Thrones isn’t even close to being acceptable…. Most sex scenes are of women being raped, lots of prostitution etc!
I haven’t confronted him yet….. Any suggestions… I need help!!!!’
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Hmmm. Watching provocative programming, whether classified as “porn” or not should definitely still be a no in my book. A year in recovery is not very long. Do you really think he forgot? For me, everything was open for “discussion.” I never held back. I voiced my concerns about EVERYTHING! BE stopped watching most TV and deleted all social media. These are his boundaries as part of his recovery. At first it was critical that he not partake in any behavior that might have given him a hit in the past. Plus, I was easily triggered in the first year. He was way too vulnerable as well. Now he shuts things down himself if it makes him uncomfortable. None of it triggers me anymore, although rape scenes have always made me nauseas. Porn was a huge problem for BE and 30+ months out he is still really careful with all images both on screen and irl. I would definitely have a conversation with your husband that his behavior is triggering you. Don’t let things eat you up inside. Get it out! xx
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The feelings that come with memories tied to acting out are especially hurtful and almost mock at the work we’ve done to be out of the trauma.
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Yep. And just when you think you have tackled the lion’s share, something comes out of left field and knocks you flat again. Thankfully there is much time and space between these destructive moments… I can see the light, somewhere way down there in the tunnel. xx
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His punishment is that he has to live with what he did, which was lying to you and betraying you. His punishment is also seeing you being hurt.
His punishment is his restlessness and your resulting change in mood.
The change is that you are not waiting for him, you will not put your life on hold, and I hear that in what you are writing.
You can travel now and with him…you over won that trigger…That is major…claim it, it is yours!
Never again…its true as it will never be like it was, ever again.
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Honestly, you are correct, winning out over the travel trigger is HUGE for me. For about 18 months it was devastating, the booking travel, the traveling part, the airport, the airplanes, the hotels. I am so glad to be able to travel without being triggered or frightened. Regarding the punishment part, the reasonable part of me, the sane & sensible old Kat knows this to be true, but the broken betrayed cheated on and lied about part of me doesn’t feel him feeling the pain and devastation anywhere near what I do. I know he has trained himself to block this out. It is part of the wounds, the brokenness, the addiction. I don’t really want to see him punished any further, but when I am in such devastating pain, I forget what I really want and just roll with the pain. I know I will heal from this too. Unfortunately, he caused this, so if he wants this relationship, he will need to stay and ride through this part with me too. It’s called consequences.
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Thank you…and healing together…
(I have been there…)
E
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Even when we forgive, we never forget.
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So true!
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I’m sorry this is still so very hard. It must be such an awful trigger to hear the same words, with the same chuckles, from the same man. Kat, you’ve been such a brave woman on this journey, keep yourself in your own focus because, sadly, nobody else does. I hope you won’t get hurt again and the pain will sooth further.
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Sometimes we chuckle together, because a lot of what he did is just so ridiculous… you know, that’s funny (insane) not funny ha ha. Living with a sex addict is flippin’ crazy. Triggers, triggers, everywhere. Sometimes he doesn’t realize when a chuckle is completely inappropriate and I’m sure he didn’t realize I would have a traumatizing deja vu moment as he said those same words so many years later. I keep writing because as I like to say, “this shit is real.” It doesn’t just go away. There is no fantasy land, there is no magic. It all takes time, the healing, the recovering. I will never be hurt in the same way, but I can still feel the pain. What comes to pass, is that the sexual acting out fades way into the background. The scariest part is how deeply imbedded their brokenness and bad habits go. He’s changing. I am too. In ways I couldn’t have imagined.
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Oh Kat, that’s scary and empowering at the same time. Living with a sex addict is flipping’ crazy like you say, and I have a hard time preparing for that moment (if it ever comes in my life) when I will live with him again. If I can really live the ‘no magic’ way… And that their brokenness and personal flaws and personality disorders are hard (if at all possible) to change, to lay off. I have come to accept that the pain will never go away, but I don’t think I want to be jaded and never be truly happy again. Sigh. Hugs to you – you are a shining light to many of us out here.
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I will say, that with my husband there is no magic pill to heal what is broken, just long hard work, but there is magic in our marriage. I do love him to pieces and he definitely cherishes me. Last night he hugged me and held me and said, “I never ever ever wanted you to find out. I never wanted you to be hurt.” Well, in my world that always brings up the statement… what you were doing was hurting me whether I found out or not. That is how I was raised. That is what I was taught. But, I kept my mouth shut and thanked him for his honesty and I hugged him tightly back. He visibly relaxes when I hug him. He just never received loving hugs as a child. He has a lot to heal from. We both do.
I hope you don’t stay jaded, and together or not, you will be truly happy again. I can feel it in you. Thank you for your kind words. They really do make me feel good. xx
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Maybe a compromise. He brings his laptop to you. Plugs in some earphones(I hate ear buds) and keeps YOU company while you watch tv.
“You’ve got to give a little, take a little, let your poor heart break a little….”
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Ha, yes that would seem to make sense, right? He claims it is very uncomfortable to work with his “lap”top on his lap. Compromise is the name of the game at this point, I agree, and I have done a lot of it! I am actually fine with him being productive in his office. Resentment is one of those things he’s very much still working on. Ironic!
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