I’m here

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Since my arrival back east, a few things have happened. I have not looked back. I have not been bored or homesick or sad. I love it here, but I know my time here will come to an end and so I prepare to head back home eventually and enlist a new mindset. I’ll embrace it with positive energy and an arsenal of tools I am receiving here. The first week in the program they bombard you with activities, wellness classes, therapy, nutrition, exercise, classes on facing triggers (yeah this works in all facets of life), classes on journaling. I think I could teach the class on journaling, but that is because I am obsessive compulsive. I am a list keeper. Some things are easy for me… like counting calories and keeping track of and eating a proper balance of food groups. Other aspects of the program are a little more difficult, like coming to terms with why I overeat and learning to love my body, no matter what it looks like, and learning to embrace exercise because it is what my body needs. I can do this, I’m just not that great at it. My health has improved in quantifiable ways in the five days I have been here so far. One big noticeable change… sodium. I am eating very little, food still tastes good, and I am off one of my meds and have cut another in half. Reducing meds four days in may sound premature, but I have never wanted to take the medications, so if I can not take them and still thrive, I’m doing it!

I am blessed with an amazing array of six women in my “group,” seven including me. We all arrived this past Sunday and although we all live in difference places, are different ages, different ethnicities, and different weights and each of our health journey’s is unique, we all share a bond and that is, we are not happy with the way we are and we really want to change. Many of us have shed a tear or two or a hundred during the group support meetings and in classes revolving around how we nurtured our relationships with food and how we let our health suffer. Many of us are caretakers of others, completely forgetting or neglecting to take care of ourselves. Many struggle with the same kind of childhood wounds as Blue Eyes and food was their drug of choice. In one of our classes earlier this week, the instructor threw out this message that he picked up somewhere along the way:

Food/eating is not the addiction. Food is being used for non-food related needs.

This would be the same for all addictions, I think. Blue Eyes wasn’t looking for more sex, he was looking to fill a gaping hole inside. Many many many people do the very same with alcohol, drugs, shopping, gambling, and food.

The following is kind of the mantra around here. I read it through twice while waiting for my first blood draw as it was posted on the wall outside the nurse’s office.

MANHOLES

Chapter One

I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I fall in. I am lost… I am helpless. It isn’t my fault. It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter Two

I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I pretend I don’t see it. I fall in again. I can’t believe I am in the same place. But, it isn’t my fault. It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter Three

I walk down the same street. There is a deep hold in the sidewalk. I see it is there. I still fall in… it’s a habit… but my eyes are open. I know where I am. It is my fault. I get out immediately.

Chapter Four

I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I walk around it.

Chapter Five

I walk down another street.


Right now I am really evaluating all the streets at my disposal. I have fallen into the hole too many times. I know I will choose the very best street for me.

17 thoughts on “I’m here

  1. This is an amazing post Kat!! I’m so glad you’re enjoying it in the way that you’re meant too.
    You’re so brave taking yourself out of your home to take this time for yourself, it’s so easy to let your own mental and physical health slide in the face of a myriad of other things.
    Enjoy every second Kat!! (Well done on the meds, brilliant news 😘)
    X

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  2. You are an amazing woman, and I am so proud of you. I also really relate to using food for non food needs. Most of the time I avoid the manholes… But not always. I think that u are exactly where u are supposed to be at exactly the right time. Continue to make the most of it, and a super big congrats for getting off any horrible meds. You don’t need that shit. So much stuff is over prescribed because the doctors CAN. Medicine is business, not always about helping people. You are going to leave there so new and improved, and I’m always here when u come back if u still want someone to send your food diary too.
    P.s. We will need to go on a clothes shopping trip to NYC now. I will eat the fatty food for u– don’t worry
    ❤️❤️❤️

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    • I had a rough day yesterday. I was up sick during the night and woke with a severely strained right bicep. Couldn’t move my arm much without great pain. Today is much better. So many lessons I need to learn, like not pushing myself too far, not expecting too much too soon. Throughout my life I have strived for perfection and people expect things to come easy to me. I don’t think many people understand how difficult this is for me. Now I have a number of friends here that I know understand. It’s good to be in a place with people who really understand. I talk about how my blog was that for me when I needed it most. xoxo

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    • Slow and steady, PW. I am so happy for you and your success in this very important aspect of your life. It doesn’t make us different people, but there is nothing like feeling really good about ourselves, sort of regardless of what anyone else does or thinks. Big hugs your way. You are an inspiration! ❤

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      • Ah thanks Kat! I do feel so much better about myself both mentally and physically! I’m still not comfortable with the attention I now get from the opposite sex most of whom I assume are married! Thankfully I’m not that kind of woman but we all know there are plenty out there!! Good luck on your journey, you’ll feel amazing ❤️

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  3. I am so excited for you Kat! You are in my thoughts and prayers and I am rooting for you to grab onto every bit of good you can squeeze out of this experience. I love the manhole story. I have leaned on that a time or two since my time away…it is a perfect metaphor for so many things in life that we need to overcome and can conquer. You got this Kat! **hugs**

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  4. Kat, I’m so glad you are having such a wonderful experience. Amazing that you are seeing positive results so quickly. I find it astonishing the way the energy shifts for the better when I focus on myself. Carry on!❤️

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    • Absolutely! An energy shift is a good way to describe it. It is also a very nurturing environment. The group I checked in with is amazing and we immediately clicked. So much joy and laughter and compassion amongst us even when we are sharing pain. So far this has been a truly beautiful experience. xx

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