This is year four of journaling on Valentine’s Day. For a day that I have never cared much about, it seems, I sure do like to write about it.
I actually don’t think I like to write about it at all, I think it is just a big fat triggering day all the way around and has prompted pain since discovery, but I have left all that crap in the dust (all that crap being obsessing over how my husband took another woman with him to Asia for Valentine’s Day seven years ago and the fact that he even “had” another woman for eight years, WTF?) and am just going to enjoy the day. It goes without saying (but I am going to say it anyway, to remind myself) my husband never loved his acting out partner. He never cared about her feelings, he never wanted a life with her, she was a drug, she means nothing. She did not deserve that day with him in Tokyo, she never deserved even one minute of his time.
I, on the other hand, deserve everything that comes with having a life partner who respects and loves me. No one is perfect, people make mistakes, some people are addicts and make REALLY BIG MISTAKES, but we are past that (she says as she is still writing about it). So, what am I doing today (besides writing this)? I am packing for a glorious six week trip (five days and counting till lift off). Later, we will go to our favorite romantic Italian restaurant in downtown Portland for a lovely dinner and then jet off to the beach house for an intimate evening alone listening to the waves crash right outside our door. And I mean LITERALLY outside our door. There have been some crazy high tides this season and at one point a wave made its way all the way up onto our deck. Thankfully this only happens about once a decade… at least that is what they tell us.
I know I won’t have any break downs today. I won’t cry and I won’t be depressed and I won’t be licking my wounds. At dinner, I won’t be staring at the sidewalk outside the restaurant wondering if the whore will make an appearance. I know she won’t, and even if she does, joke’s on her. I know all this because I have been jolted into awareness over the past three years. I am intimately aware of everything going on inside me now, and I can chart my healing progress through my very own blog entries. This is where I am today. I’m a little anxious about leaving for six weeks. I am a little daunted by figuring out what to pack for the combination of Tokyo, NZ & Australia. I am excited to be sharing dinner with my partner of 33 years at one of our absolute favorite restaurants. I am beyond thrilled that we can spend the night in our very own beach house. On this February 14th, I will be enjoying a romantic night with the love of my life. I have confidence that I’m right where I should be.