Charting progress

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Mmm, Hollyhocks. ❀

This is year four of journaling on Valentine’s Day. For a day that I have never cared much about, it seems, I sure do like to write about it.

Journal Entry: Valentine’s Day 2014

Journal Entry: Valentine’s Day 2015

Journal Entry: Valentine’s Day 2016

I actually don’t think I like to write about it at all, I think it is just a big fat triggering day all the way around and has prompted pain since discovery, but I have left all that crap in the dust (all that crap being obsessing over how my husband took another woman with him to Asia for Valentine’s Day seven years ago and the fact that he even “had” another woman for eight years, WTF?) and am just going to enjoy the day. It goes without saying (but I am going to say it anyway, to remind myself) my husband never loved his acting out partner. He never cared about her feelings, he never wanted a life with her, she was a drug, she means nothing. She did not deserve that day with him in Tokyo, she never deserved even one minute of his time.

I, on the other hand, deserve everything that comes with having a life partner who respects and loves me. No one is perfect, people make mistakes, some people are addicts and make REALLY BIG MISTAKES, but we are past that (she says as she is still writing about it). So, what am I doing today (besides writing this)? I am packing for a glorious six week trip (five days and counting till lift off). Later, we will go to our favorite romantic Italian restaurant in downtown Portland for a lovely dinner and then jet off to the beach house for an intimate evening alone listening to the waves crash right outside our door. And I mean LITERALLY outside our door. There have been some crazy high tides this season and at one point a wave made its way all the way up onto our deck. Thankfully this only happens about once a decade… at least that is what they tell us.

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A frosty February morning at the edge of our deck with driftwood that washed up a couple days before.

I know I won’t have any break downs today. I won’t cry and I won’t be depressed and I won’t be licking my wounds. At dinner, I won’t be staring at the sidewalk outside the restaurant wondering if the whore will make an appearance. I know she won’t, and even if she does, joke’s on her. I know all this because I have been jolted into awareness over the past three years. I am intimately aware of everything going on inside me now, and I can chart my healing progress through my very own blog entries. This is where I am today. I’m a little anxious about leaving for six weeks. I am a little daunted by figuring out what to pack for the combination of Tokyo, NZ & Australia. I am excited to be sharing dinner with my partner of 33 years at one of our absolute favorite restaurants. I am beyond thrilled that we can spend the night in our very own beach house. On this February 14th, I will be enjoying a romantic night with the love of my life. I have confidence that I’m right where I should be.

❀

18 thoughts on “Charting progress

    • Thanks, MWS. We’re at the beach house now. Should I do one last post with more pics before we leave the country for six weeks? We feel so lucky to have this retreat. This house is meant to be shared. I hope you are well! 😊β™₯

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      • Yes please to more photos!!! And I’m also very excited to read about your trip and see pictures – your photos are always beautiful. I’m a little bummed that you’ll be out of country now that I’m putting my feet on US soil for a month because I was secretly hoping to somehow meet you… but maybe next time. Geez, I hope I don’t sound too, hmm, stalker-y… πŸ™‚ anyhow – have an awesome trip and keep us all posted πŸ™‚

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        • No, not stalkery at all! I enjoy meeting blogger friends. And you will be on the west coast? That IS a bummer! I definitely could have made that happen, we travel to the Bay Area a lot. Next time for sure as we won’t be back until April 3rd. πŸ˜• I hope you and your daughter have a wonderful time. There’s a lot to do there. My two year old Japanese niece was with us over the holidays and she doesn’t speak English, but she understands a lot. We had a great time with her. Travel safe! β™₯

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  1. Good for you! You deserve to be happy. This is also my first Valentine’s Day in years that wasn’t filled with tears and bad feelings. Was it a great day? No. Have I made progress? Yes.
    Have a lovely evening with BE. Your beach house sound so romantic. I love the beach at night, the waves, the stars …❀️

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  2. You have come such a long way since you first valentines blog. What’s the secret ingredient that you use to cope with all that has happened to you. My time frame is the same, but I am not coping as well. Not feeling that undying love yet. My anger tends to consume me. But yet I stay and observe that today he is the man I thought I married 40 years ago. He is honest, transparent and loving towards me. Everything I should of had. Can you give me some of your tools to make coping with my life more manageable.

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    • All I can say is happiness is a choice. I know that sounds trite and I don’t mean to be. I spent a long time fighting happiness. Trauma does that. I was scared and confused and sad. Eventually the pain and most of the anger subsided and I realized I want to be happy and only I have the power to make it so. I know that sounds like bullshit inspirational speak, but I realized my fear was stifling my nature, which is forgiving and does not harbor fear and anger. I had to make a choice without being scared that my husband was going to screw me over again. If I really felt like he could or would hurt me again so deeply, I needed to leave. But, I realized I would never let him steal my happiness. I took away his power. Big hugs! Your timeline is your own so try not compare yourself to others. If you want happiness but can’t find it, try to get to the bottom of what is holding you back. β™₯

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      • That’s exactly what my therapist told me last night. Thank you.
        You are very wise. Hope you have the trip of a lifetime. Can’t wait to see the pictures.

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      • This! Trauma and ‘nature’. I still haven’t been able to choose happiness in nearly 8 years. I desperately want to. I chase it. But it IS in my ‘nature’ to harbour some fear and anger. And I have worked prodigiously to try to conquer that ‘nature’. To little avail. And so I rage further. Stupidly! I ask why I can’t beat this beast. Why my mind resets to hurt and then cycles through indignation that someone (two someones) would repay my love and care with betrayal and trauma. It just is, Paula. It just fucking well is. Such is the way of the world. It was never personal. Logically, I know this. My heart, however, can’t seem to absorb the facts.

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  3. I just love this post! ❀ Have a wonderful evening. PS- pack your beautiful scarves and comfy shoes and clothes that can be easily laundered while away. And don’t forget us! Xoxo

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    • Oh, I will not forget you, A, you will not believe how many pictures I will post while away. And, I will do blog posts as well. Still don’t have my act together with the travel blog, but this old blog will suffice. Sometimes I hold back thinking… who cares about what I’m doing, but not this time!!! I am all about the comfy shoes & comfy clothes too! And, we have self serve laundry on the cruise ship. That is a first for us. So excited! ❀

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      • Hi Kat. I am coming late to the party on this one but I just had to thank you for posting the links to your previous Valentine’s Day posts. Very helpful to me who is just finishing Year 1. Last yr Valentine’s Day was 10 days after d-day. Incredibly we went out to a fancy restaurant. The reservations had been made weeks in advance. I’m sure it’s no surprise that the evening was a disaster. Somehow I kept it together in the restaurant but had a meltdown on the way home. I remember being so miserable during that dinner. This year we went out for my birthday which is near Valentine’s Day. That went fine. Valentine’s Day was still difficult for me this yr but better than last yr. This first yr of recovery has been a. Roller coaster. Enjoy your amazing trip.

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        • Good Valentine’s Day reservations are so hard to come by… definitely can’t waste em. Oh, I remember how incredibly difficult those first couple Valentine’s Days were. Even beyond what I wrote, the staring at all the couples and thinking, what a joke. The looking at every single man thinking he was probably a cheater. Sad. At post dday Valentine’s Day #2, it felt like I was stuck in the middle of somebody else’s life. I am still surprised at myself for all the meals I did get through without losing it, but I am more shocked by the meals where I lost it in the middle of a restaurant. So very unlike me. The first year is insane, the second year can be better, but it was still quite scary for me. Year three was worlds apart, and now, year four… I can say is quite nice. Even less stressful than before dday possibly, as nothing goes unsaid now.

          Reading back through this thread, I realize I didn’t keep my promise of posting blog entries. Ah well. I have a lot to catch up on! ❀

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