I was recently reading an article written by a woman who is a life coach and who has spent some time counseling victims of sex crimes. The title of her article was, literally, ‘Sex Addiction.’ That’s it. She didn’t talk about the difference between an offender and an addict. She did talk about addiction in general, how it starts, heredity as a potential factor, that the act of using sex as a drug is not about pleasure, it is about pain and sadness and wounds and long nurtured and escalating habits. Then, she basically insinuates that all sexual addiction behavior escalates into crime. That’s where I started going, wait, what? She offered her help to “victims” of sex addicts, and specifically called out wives. She wants to help us. I’m not going to link to the article because I don’t think it was well written or well informed. I’m not actually the victim of a crime (although I have said many times that infidelity feels like a crime against the non-cheating spouse) and I do not feel like I have been persecuted by a villain. Blue Eyes has never forced sex on me, ever. I know this happens to some, but it does not always happen in relationships with sex addicts.
The author did talk about sex crimes and how those in the path of the sex addict are victims of crime, and in this case she was speaking specifically to what in my case is/are the acting out partner(s). BUT, she used an example of an older man who had molested his granddaughter. Okay, the man is a sexual criminal, not JUST a sex addict. He may be a sex addict, but he is certainly a perpetrator of sex crimes. The two are not necessarily the same. Yes, there are sex addicts who commit actual crimes, but there are also sex offenders who are not sex addicts, and sex addicts who never commit a crime, lots of them. For those of us in the throes of living with a sex addict, it is not appropriate for people who are not, to generalize in such a destructive manner, in my opinion.
Strangely enough, Blue Eyes was called a sex offender by the LA sex addiction specialist he saw in Summer 2014. I believe the specialist (previously referred to as The Director) did this to “scare Blue Eyes straight” so to speak. Blue Eyes did not break the law. He didn’t hire prostitutes, he didn’t force himself on any unwilling person, ever. He did not have sex with minors, or even with someone who was younger than he is. He had sex with very willing and generally older lonely and or desperate women. Although he was the secretary’s boss, she not only knew what she was getting into, she instigated it. Again, Blue Eyes was shy pulling the trigger. These women were not shy. The secretary quickly moved on and even uses Blue Eyes’ business as a reference on her LinkedIn account. Technically he had the power to take her job away from her if she didn’t “perform,” but she willingly performed, and she didn’t deserve that job in the first place. She was a horrible secretary and should have been fired on that premise alone (and eventually she was). Just because two adults (and she was five years older) have consensual sex in an office setting doesn’t make either of them criminals. Disgusting behavior, morally corrupt in my eyes, yes, criminal behavior, no.
In my trauma I have definitely villainized both my husband and his acting out partners because their behavior hurt me deeply and I needed to vent, so I vented here. But in the reality of the bigger world, they are broken people who behaved very very badly and although I do not feel better than them, I am surely glad that I do not have the kind of wounds that would allow me to participate in such vile and hurtful behavior. I have forgiven my husband for his transgressions and I stand by his side as he works towards being that better person, something most of us work towards every day. Likewise, the other women are not villains. They are sad. No one in my story set out to hurt me or anyone else (although the stalking situation wasn’t very nice–and it was definitely a consequence of Blue Eyes’ lies and SA behavior), but in their selfish pursuits of filling empty voids, and of not understanding their own pain and wounds in the process, they did hurt many people, but Blue Eyes is not a criminal, and the women are not victims. It’s not all us against them.